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Helping Kids Deal with Fear Through Emotional Intelligence

Thu, 06 Feb 2025 09:41:05 GMT

Fear is a natural and universal emotion that everyone experiences at some point. For children, fear can stem from a variety of sources—whether it’s the fear of the dark, separation from parents, new social situations, or fears of failure. While fear is a protective emotion designed to keep us safe, when it becomes overwhelming or persistent, it can hinder a child’s emotional growth and daily functioning. Teaching children how to manage and cope with fear through emotional intelligence (EQ) can help them face challenges confidently and build resilience in the process.

In this article, we’ll explore how emotional intelligence can be used as a tool to help children understand and manage fear, empowering them to face their anxieties with a sense of control.

Understanding Fear in Children

For young children, fear is often a response to the unknown or something that feels outside of their control. Their fears can feel very real to them, even if the source of the fear seems trivial or irrational to adults. Common childhood fears include:

Separation Anxiety: Fear of being away from parents or caregivers.
Social Fears: Fear of making mistakes, being judged, or interacting with peers.
Physical Fears: Fear of the dark, animals, loud noises, or even new experiences.
Performance Anxiety: Fear of failing or not measuring up in school or other activities.

These fears can affect a child’s behaviour, school performance, and social interactions. By using emotional intelligence, parents can help children navigate their fears in healthy ways.

How Emotional Intelligence Helps Children Deal with Fear

Emotional intelligence consists of key components such as self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills. These skills are crucial in helping children manage fear. Here’s how each aspect of EQ can help children cope with and overcome fear:

Self-Awareness: Recognizing and Understanding Emotions
Self-awareness is the foundation of emotional intelligence. It helps children identify what they’re feeling and why. When a child is able to recognize that they’re feeling scared, they are better equipped to deal with that fear constructively.

Example: A child might say, “I feel scared because it’s my first day at school, and I don’t know anyone.” Acknowledging their fear is the first step in helping them process and manage it.
Self-Regulation: Managing Fear and Calming Down
Once children recognize their emotions, they can practice self-regulation, which involves managing their emotional responses. Teaching children how to calm themselves down when they feel fear—whether through deep breathing, visualization, or mindfulness—empowers them to control their emotional reactions rather than be overwhelmed by them.

Example: If a child is scared of the dark, they could be taught to use a calming strategy, such as taking deep breaths or imagining a peaceful scene, like a favourite place or a calming colour.
Empathy: Understanding and Validating Feelings
Empathy helps children understand not only their own emotions but also the feelings of others. When a child feels heard and understood, they are more likely to open up about their fears. Parents can validate their child’s feelings by showing empathy and reassurance.

Example: A child who fears speaking in front of the class might be reassured by a parent saying, “I know it feels scary to talk in front of a lot of people. It’s okay to feel nervous, but you can do it.”
Social Skills: Seeking Support and Building Confidence
Good social skills help children communicate their fears and seek support from others. Whether it’s asking for help from a teacher, talking to a friend, or approaching a parent, teaching children to express their needs is an essential part of emotional intelligence. As they practice these skills, their confidence in social situations grows, which in turn helps reduce their fears.

Example: A child who is nervous about starting a new school might be encouraged to introduce themselves to a friendly classmate, fostering a sense of connection and reducing their anxiety.

Practical Tips for Helping Kids Deal with Fear Using EQ

Normalize the Emotion of Fear
Teach your child that fear is a normal and healthy emotion that everyone experiences, even adults. By normalizing their fear, they are less likely to feel embarrassed or ashamed of it. Help them see that fear is not something to avoid but something to understand and manage.

Example: “It’s okay to be scared sometimes. Even I feel nervous before a big meeting. It’s part of being human, and we can learn how to handle it.”
Label and Validate Their Fear
Encourage your child to put a name to their fear. This makes the emotion less abstract and more manageable. Validating their feelings shows them that their fear is real and understood, rather than dismissed.

Example: “I see that you’re scared of going to the doctor. It’s normal to feel that way. We’ll go together, and I’ll be there the whole time.”
Teach Coping Strategies
Teach your child specific coping strategies to manage their fear. Simple techniques like deep breathing, counting to ten, or visualizing a safe space can help a child feel more in control of their fear.

Example: When a child is anxious about taking a test, you can teach them to pause and take three deep breaths before beginning. This simple action can calm the nervous system and refocus the mind.
Create a Fear-Reduction Plan
For more persistent or specific fears, work with your child to create a fear-reduction plan. This might include gradually exposing them to their fear in a safe and controlled manner, building their confidence over time. This process is called desensitization.

Example: If a child is afraid of dogs, start by looking at pictures of dogs together, then watch videos of calm dogs, and eventually, visit a friend who owns a gentle dog. With each step, reassure them and celebrate their progress.
Use Positive Reinforcement
Praise your child when they face their fear, even if it’s in small steps. Positive reinforcement builds their confidence and encourages them to continue working through their anxieties.

Example: “I’m so proud of you for trying to speak in front of the class today! It was a big step, and you did great. We can keep practicing together.”

The Long-Term Benefits of Teaching EQ to Manage Fear

Teaching emotional intelligence not only helps children deal with fear in the moment but also equips them with lifelong skills to manage their emotions in various situations. Children who can regulate their emotions, empathize with others, and approach challenges with confidence are better prepared to navigate the complexities of adulthood.

Emotional intelligence also strengthens resilience, allowing children to bounce back from setbacks and face future fears with greater ease. As they grow older, children with strong EQ are better able to handle stress, form healthy relationships, and pursue their goals with determination.

Support Your Child’s Emotional Growth with EQ4Kids

If you’re looking for a structured way to help your child build emotional intelligence and manage fear, consider enrolling them in the EQ4Kids Programme. This program offers engaging, age-appropriate activities that teach kids how to recognize and regulate their emotions, including fear. Give your child the tools they need to face their fears with confidence and build a strong emotional foundation for the future. Start today!

Managing Aggressiveness in Kids: Building Emotional Intelligence for a Healthier Response

Thu, 06 Feb 2025 09:36:52 GMT

Aggression in children is a common challenge faced by parents, teachers, and caregivers. Whether it’s hitting, biting, yelling, or even verbal outbursts, aggressive behaviours can be concerning and difficult to address. However, behind every aggressive action is an emotion—frustration, anger, or feeling misunderstood—that needs to be processed and managed. Helping children develop emotional intelligence (EQ) is one of the most effective ways to address aggressiveness and foster healthier ways of expressing emotions.

In this article, we’ll explore how emotional intelligence influences aggressive behaviour in children and provide practical strategies for parents to help their children build EQ and manage aggression effectively.

What Drives Aggression in Children?

Aggression often stems from an inability to regulate or express emotions in a constructive way. When children experience overwhelming emotions, they may resort to aggressive behaviour because they don’t yet have the emotional tools to cope or communicate effectively. Common causes of aggression in children include:

Frustration: When things don’t go their way, kids may act out in anger.
Lack of Communication Skills: Children may not yet have the language skills to express their feelings and needs.
Stress or Anxiety: Environmental stressors, such as changes in routine, school challenges, or conflicts with peers, can trigger emotional outbursts.
Attention-Seeking: Sometimes, children use aggressive behaviour to gain attention or manipulate situations.

Recognizing the underlying cause of aggression is key to finding an effective way to respond and teach emotional regulation.

How Emotional Intelligence Can Help Manage Aggression

Emotional intelligence consists of several key components: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills. Each of these elements plays a role in helping children manage their aggression.

Self-Awareness: Understanding Emotions
Children with high EQ are better at identifying and naming their emotions. Self-awareness helps them recognize when they’re starting to feel angry, frustrated, or upset, before these feelings escalate into aggressive actions.

Example: A child who recognizes that they’re getting frustrated with a game can take a moment to step away and calm down, rather than lashing out in anger.
Self-Regulation: Managing Emotions
Self-regulation is the ability to control one’s emotions and behaviours in different situations. Teaching children how to self-regulate helps them respond to emotional triggers in healthier ways. This includes strategies like deep breathing, counting to ten, or using calming words when feeling upset.

Example: Instead of hitting another child when angry, a child with strong self-regulation might take a few deep breaths or use words like, “I’m really mad right now, but I need a moment to calm down.”
Empathy: Understanding Others’ Emotions
Empathy is the ability to recognize and understand the emotions of others. When children learn to empathize with others, they are less likely to engage in aggressive behaviours because they can see the emotional impact of their actions.

Example: A child who empathizes with a friend might stop and think, “I wouldn’t like it if someone pushed me, so I won’t push my friend.”
Social Skills: Healthy Interactions with Peers
Strong social skills help children navigate relationships and resolve conflicts in peaceful ways. When children are equipped with the ability to communicate their needs clearly and respectfully, they are less likely to resort to aggression to get attention or solve problems.

Example: Instead of grabbing a toy from another child, an emotionally intelligent child might say, “Can I have a turn with that toy when you’re finished?”

Practical Strategies to Build Emotional Intelligence and Reduce Aggression

Teach Emotional Awareness and Vocabulary
Encourage your child to name and express their emotions. Use books, games, or conversations to help them identify different feelings, such as anger, sadness, frustration, or happiness. The more a child understands their emotions, the better they can regulate them.

Example: Use simple language like, “I can see you’re feeling frustrated. What happened?” This validates the emotion and opens the door for healthy communication.
Model Calm Behaviour
Children learn by watching adults. Show your child how you handle your own emotions and stress. By modelling calmness, problem-solving, and respectful communication, you teach your child how to manage their feelings without aggression.

Example: If you get angry while driving, instead of yelling or becoming upset, calmly say, “I feel frustrated, but I’m going to take a deep breath and continue driving safely.”
Set Clear Expectations and Boundaries
Establish clear rules about aggressive behaviour, and be consistent in your response. Let your child know that while it’s okay to feel angry or upset, hurting others or acting out is never acceptable.

Example: “It’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to hit. When you feel angry, you can use words or ask for help.”
Use Positive Reinforcement
Reward positive behaviour with praise and encouragement. When your child manages their emotions effectively and chooses a peaceful solution, acknowledge their efforts. Positive reinforcement builds their confidence in handling emotions.

Example: “I’m so proud of you for telling your friend you were upset instead of pushing them. You did a great job using your words!”
Teach Coping Strategies
Introduce calming techniques, such as deep breathing, counting to ten, or taking a break in a quiet space. Practice these strategies with your child regularly so they become second nature when emotions run high.

Example: “Let’s practice taking three deep breaths together. Breathe in, hold, and breathe out. How do you feel now?”
Promote Empathy and Conflict Resolution
Help your child understand how their actions affect others. Role-playing with dolls or stuffed animals can help illustrate the impact of aggressive behaviour and provide opportunities to practice empathy and conflict resolution.

Example: “How would you feel if someone took your toy without asking? How can we make sure everyone is happy when playing?”

Building a Strong Foundation for Emotional Intelligence

By fostering emotional intelligence in your child, you’re not only helping them manage aggression but also giving them the tools to navigate all of life’s challenges. Children with high EQ are more likely to form positive relationships, handle stress, and succeed in various aspects of their lives.

Support Your Child’s Emotional Growth with the EQ4Kids Programme

If you’re looking for additional support to help your child build emotional intelligence, consider enrolling them in the EQ4Kids Programme . Through interactive lessons and activities, your child will develop key emotional skills that will help them navigate their emotions, reduce aggressive behaviours, and improve social interactions. Help your child learn the skills they need to thrive—enrol today!

Being Careful with the Feeling of Shame: A Guide for Parents

Thu, 06 Feb 2025 09:32:12 GMT

As parents, we play a pivotal role in shaping our children’s emotional experiences. While feelings like joy, excitement, and pride are often celebrated, emotions like shame are more difficult to navigate. However, understanding and managing shame in a healthy way is crucial for emotional well-being and growth. Shame is a powerful emotion, and if handled poorly, it can have lasting negative effects on a child’s self-esteem and sense of worth.

This article explores the feeling of shame, why it’s important to approach it with care, and how parents can help their children navigate it in a healthy, supportive way.

What is Shame?

Shame is an emotion that occurs when a person feels that they are fundamentally flawed, inadequate, or unworthy. Unlike guilt, which is about feeling bad for a specific behaviour, shame targets the individual, making them feel bad about who they are as a person.

For children, shame can arise in various situations—failing at a task, being compared to others, not meeting expectations, or feeling rejected by peers. While shame is a normal part of human experience, when children are overwhelmed by it or experience it too frequently, it can lead to issues such as low self-esteem, social withdrawal, or anxiety.

Why Parents Should Be Careful with Shame

Shame Can Undermine a Child’s Self-Worth
Children are highly impressionable, and their sense of self is often built on how they are treated by others, especially their parents. If a child is made to feel ashamed for mistakes or flaws, they may internalize the belief that they are not “good enough.” This can have long-term effects on their confidence and emotional resilience.

Example: Telling a child, “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?” or “You should be ashamed of yourself” can lead the child to feel inadequate and unloved, affecting their ability to trust their own abilities and navigate future challenges.
Chronic Shame Can Affect Emotional Development
Excessive shame can stifle emotional growth. Children who often feel shamed may struggle to express their feelings, avoid social interactions, or develop negative coping mechanisms such as aggression, withdrawal, or perfectionism.
Shame Can Lead to Behavioural Issues
Children who are frequently shamed may act out in an attempt to protect themselves from further emotional pain. This can manifest as defiance, aggression, or withdrawal from social activities.

Example: A child who is shamed for not finishing their homework might respond by avoiding schoolwork altogether or displaying disruptive behaviours, thinking they are not capable of succeeding.

How Can Parents Help Children Navigate Shame in a Healthy Way?

As parents, it’s crucial to create a safe and supportive environment where children feel valued and loved, even when they make mistakes. Here are several strategies to help your child manage and overcome shame in a positive manner:

Separate the Behaviour from the Child
Rather than shaming the child as a person, focus on the behaviour that needs to change. Reinforce that making mistakes is part of learning and that everyone, including adults, experiences setbacks.

Example: Instead of saying, “You’re so careless, I’m ashamed of you,” try, “I understand you’re upset about your mistake, but mistakes help us learn. Let’s figure out how to fix this.” This shift helps the child understand that it’s okay to make mistakes—they are not defined by them.
Model Healthy Emotional Expression
Children learn by observing their parents. Show your child how to express emotions, including shame, in a healthy way. Acknowledge your own mistakes, express how you feel, and show how you move forward.

Example: “I feel frustrated because I made an error at work today, but I’m going to take a deep breath, learn from it, and keep going.” This models resilience and self-compassion.
Encourage Self-Compassion
Teach your child to be kind to themselves, especially when they feel ashamed. Self-compassion helps children move past feelings of shame without letting them define their identity.

Example: Teach phrases like, “I made a mistake, but that doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. I can try again tomorrow.” Encourage them to treat themselves with the same kindness they would offer a friend in the same situation.
Validate Their Emotions
Acknowledge and validate your child’s feelings of shame without making them feel wrong for having those emotions. Let them know that feeling ashamed is a natural human experience but that it doesn’t have to define their sense of self.

Example: “I can see you’re feeling embarrassed, and that’s okay. It’s tough when we feel like we’ve let ourselves down. But remember, you are always loved and valuable, no matter what.”
Focus on Solutions, Not Blame
Rather than dwelling on the mistake that led to the feeling of shame, help your child focus on how they can improve or move forward. This helps shift the focus from their perceived flaws to their ability to take positive action.

Example: If a child feels ashamed for not finishing their chores, instead of saying, “You never do your chores properly,” try saying, “I see that you got busy and forgot. Let’s come up with a plan to help you remember next time.”
Reinforce the Power of Growth and Effort
Help your child see that mistakes are opportunities for growth. Praise their effort, problem-solving, and perseverance, rather than just the outcome. This encourages a growth mindset and reduces the likelihood of children internalizing shame.

Example: “You worked really hard on this, and even though it didn’t go perfectly, I’m proud of the effort you put in. You’re learning and growing.”

The Lasting Impact of Healthy Shame Management

By helping children navigate shame in a healthy way, parents can foster a sense of self-worth, resilience, and emotional maturity. When children understand that mistakes are part of the learning process and that they are loved unconditionally, they can approach life with greater confidence and compassion.

Support Your Child’s Emotional Growth with EQ4Kids

To help your child develop emotional intelligence and learn how to manage challenging emotions like shame, consider enrolling them in the EQ4Kids Programme. Through engaging activities and expert guidance, the program helps children build self-awareness, self-regulation, and empathy—skills that empower them to manage emotions healthily and thrive in life. Don’t let shame hold your child back—help them embrace their emotional journey today!

How Emotional Intelligence Develops Effective Social Skills and Essential Life Skills

Thu, 06 Feb 2025 09:27:32 GMT

In today’s fast-paced, interconnected world, emotional intelligence (EQ) is more important than ever. It’s the ability to recognize, understand, and manage our own emotions, while also empathizing with others. High EQ is not just about being "nice"—it’s a skill set that helps people build meaningful relationships, collaborate effectively, and navigate life’s challenges. For children, developing emotional intelligence can be a game-changer, laying the foundation for not only strong social skills but also essential life skills that will benefit them for years to come.

The Link Between Emotional Intelligence and Social Skills

Social skills are the abilities that allow us to interact harmoniously with others. These skills are crucial for success in school, work, and personal relationships. Emotional intelligence plays a significant role in developing these skills, as it enables individuals to communicate, empathize, and cooperate effectively. Here’s how emotional intelligence directly influences social abilities:

Effective Communication:
Children with high EQ are better at expressing their feelings and thoughts in a clear, respectful way. They are also better listeners, allowing them to understand others' perspectives and respond appropriately.

Example: A child with strong emotional intelligence might say, “I feel frustrated when you take my toys without asking. I’d like you to ask first next time.” Instead of yelling or acting out, they use words to express their feelings, fostering respectful communication.
Empathy and Understanding:
Empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, is a core component of emotional intelligence. Children who can empathize with others are more likely to form positive, supportive relationships and resolve conflicts peacefully.

Example: If a friend is upset because they didn’t do well on a test, a child with high EQ might say, “I know that feels disappointing. Do you want to talk about it or practice together next time?” This shows that the child understands the friend’s feelings and is offering support.
Conflict Resolution:
Children with emotional intelligence are more equipped to handle conflicts without resorting to aggression or withdrawal. They are able to remain calm, assess the situation, and find peaceful resolutions.

Example: When two children argue over a game, a child with high EQ might suggest, “Let’s take turns playing, so everyone gets a chance.” They don’t react impulsively but instead approach the situation with patience and problem-solving skills.
Cooperation and Teamwork:
High EQ enables children to collaborate effectively, contributing to group projects or team activities. They are able to consider others’ feelings, communicate clearly, and work together toward common goals.

Example: In a group project, a child with high EQ will actively listen to teammates, provide constructive feedback, and encourage others to share their ideas. Their ability to cooperate creates a positive and productive group dynamic.

How Emotional Intelligence Develops Other Essential Life Skills

Beyond social skills, emotional intelligence plays a critical role in developing essential life skills that children need to thrive. These include:

Self-Regulation:
Children with high EQ can manage their emotions effectively, particularly in stressful situations. This self-regulation allows them to remain focused, make thoughtful decisions, and avoid rash reactions.

Example: If a child becomes upset over a difficult homework assignment, they may take a short break, breathe deeply, and return to the task with a clearer mindset rather than giving up or becoming frustrated.
Resilience:
Emotional intelligence helps children build resilience by encouraging them to view challenges as opportunities for growth. Resilient children are more likely to bounce back from setbacks, try again after failure, and maintain a positive attitude.

Example: If a child doesn't do well on a test, they might think, “I didn’t do well this time, but I can study more and do better next time.” Their emotional intelligence helps them manage disappointment and remain motivated.
Self-Motivation and Initiative:
Children with high EQ are more likely to set goals and stay motivated to achieve them. They can assess their emotions to stay driven, even when faced with obstacles.

Example: A child who wants to improve in a sport may work extra hours on their skills, even if they’re tired or frustrated. Their emotional intelligence helps them stay focused on long-term goals, despite short-term challenges.
Decision-Making and Accountability:
Emotional intelligence also improves decision-making skills by helping children recognize the emotional consequences of their choices. They are more likely to make decisions that align with their values and take responsibility for the outcomes.

Example: If a child decides not to participate in a negative behavior (like gossiping about a classmate), their emotional intelligence helps them understand the emotional harm it could cause and choose a more constructive path.

How Parents Can Foster Emotional Intelligence in Children

Model Emotional Awareness:
Parents can model emotional intelligence by expressing their feelings in healthy ways, discussing how they manage emotions, and acknowledging their mistakes when necessary.
Encourage Emotional Expression:
Create an open, non-judgmental space where children can talk about their feelings. This allows them to practice recognizing and expressing emotions healthily.
Promote Problem-Solving:
Instead of solving every problem for your child, encourage them to think through solutions. This helps them develop critical thinking and emotional regulation.
Reinforce Empathy:
Teach children to recognize and validate others’ feelings. Encourage them to consider others’ perspectives and respond with kindness and understanding.
Foster a Growth Mindset:
Encourage children to view challenges as opportunities to grow, which helps them build resilience and self-motivation.

Investing in Emotional Intelligence for Lifelong Success

By teaching emotional intelligence, parents are not just helping their children become better at socializing—they’re setting them up for success in all areas of life. From building healthy relationships to managing stress, problem-solving, and making responsible decisions, emotional intelligence is the key to thriving in an increasingly complex world.

Give Your Child the Gift of Emotional Intelligence

Enroll your child in the EQ4Kids Programme to help them develop the emotional intelligence they need to excel in social situations and life challenges. This program offers engaging and interactive tools for nurturing EQ skills that will empower your child throughout their life. Start today—help your child develop the essential life skills they need for tomorrow!

How Parental Emotional Intelligence Shapes The Emotional Intelligence Of Children

Thu, 09 Jan 2025 10:18:09 GMT

Children learn more from what their parents do than from what they say. This principle is especially true when it comes to emotional intelligence (EQ). As children observe and interact with their parents, they develop the foundations for understanding, expressing, and managing their own emotions. A parent’s level of emotional intelligence can profoundly shape their child’s emotional development, influencing how they navigate relationships, handle challenges, and express themselves.

Here’s how parental EQ plays a critical role in nurturing emotionally intelligent children, supported by practical examples.

What is Parental Emotional Intelligence?

Parental emotional intelligence refers to a parent’s ability to:

Recognize and understand their own emotions.
Manage their emotional responses effectively.
Empathize with their children’s feelings.
Model appropriate emotional and social behaviors.

When parents demonstrate these skills, they create a nurturing environment where emotional intelligence can flourish in their children.

The Connection Between Parental EQ and Children’s EQ

1. Modeling Emotional Regulation:
Children often mirror their parents’ behavior. When parents remain calm during stressful situations, children learn that they, too, can handle challenges without becoming overwhelmed.

Example: A parent stuck in traffic who says, “I feel frustrated right now, but I’ll take deep breaths to stay calm,” teaches their child how to regulate emotions. The child learns that frustration is natural but manageable.

2. Teaching Empathy:
Parents with high EQ actively empathize with their children’s feelings, helping them understand and process their emotions.

Example: When a child is upset after losing a game, a parent might say, “I know it’s disappointing to lose. I’ve felt that way too. It’s okay to feel sad for a little while, and then we can try again next time.” This response validates the child’s emotions and encourages resilience.

3. Encouraging Open Communication:
Emotionally intelligent parents create a safe space for children to express their feelings without fear of judgment or dismissal.

Example: Instead of saying, “Stop crying; it’s not a big deal,” a parent might ask, “What’s making you feel upset? Let’s talk about it.” This approach encourages children to articulate their emotions and seek constructive solutions.

4. Guiding Problem-Solving:
High-EQ parents’ guide children in finding solutions to emotional and social challenges, fostering independence and confidence.

Example: If a child is upset because a friend didn’t share a toy, the parent might ask, “How do you think you could tell your friend how you feel?” This helps the child develop communication and conflict-resolution skills.

5. Setting Emotional Boundaries:
Parents with strong EQ teach their children that all emotions are valid, but certain actions are not acceptable.

Example: If a child lashes out in anger, an emotionally intelligent parent might say, “It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to hit. Let’s find another way to show how you’re feeling.”

How Parental EQ Impacts Long-Term Outcomes

Stronger Parent-Child Bonds: Children feel secure and valued when parents respond empathetically, strengthening trust and communication.
Improved Social Skills: Children exposed to emotionally intelligent parenting are more likely to navigate friendships and group settings successfully.
Higher Resilience: By observing how their parents manage setbacks, children learn to cope with challenges in healthy ways.
Better Academic and Career Success: Emotional intelligence lays the groundwork for focus, collaboration, and perseverance—all critical skills for long-term success.

Steps to Enhance Parental Emotional Intelligence

Practice Self-Awareness:
Take time to recognize and label your own emotions. This helps you respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.
Manage Stress Effectively:
Use strategies like deep breathing, mindfulness, or exercise to handle stress and model calm behavior for your children.
Seek to Understand Your Child’s Emotions:
Pay attention to your child’s verbal and non-verbal cues, and make an effort to empathize with their experiences.
Be Open About Your Feelings:
Share your emotions with your children in age-appropriate ways. This normalizes discussing feelings and encourages them to do the same.
Invest in EQ Development Resources:
Programs and workshops focused on emotional intelligence can benefit both parents and children by providing tools to navigate emotions effectively.

The Legacy of Parental EQ

Parental emotional intelligence is a gift that keeps giving. By modeling empathy, resilience, and self-regulation, parents set their children up for emotional, social, and academic success. In a world that increasingly values EQ, the skills parents impart today will equip their children to thrive tomorrow.

Empower Your Family with the EQ4Kids Programme

Want to give your child the best start in developing emotional intelligence? The EQ4Kids Programme provides a supportive and engaging environment where children and parents alike can learn the skills to manage emotions, improve relationships, and build resilience. Start shaping your child’s emotional future—enroll today!

How Emotional Intelligence Can Boost Academic Performance

Thu, 09 Jan 2025 10:13:59 GMT

Academic success is often associated with intellect and hard work, but there’s another vital ingredient that’s often overlooked: emotional intelligence (EQ). EQ refers to the ability to recognize, understand, and manage one’s emotions, as well as empathize with others. It plays a significant role in shaping how students approach learning, handle challenges, and interact in academic settings.

Teaching children emotional intelligence not only helps them navigate their emotions but also gives them the tools to excel academically. Here’s how EQ directly impacts academic performance and why it’s a skill every student should develop.

The Connection Between EQ and Academic Success

Better Focus and Concentration:
Children with high emotional intelligence are better at regulating their emotions, which helps them manage stress and stay focused during lessons and exams. Instead of being overwhelmed by frustration or anxiety, they can redirect their energy toward their studies.
Improved Problem-Solving Skills:
Emotionally intelligent students are more self-aware and adaptable, enabling them to think critically and approach problems from different perspectives. These skills are invaluable in subjects like math, science, and reading comprehension.
Enhanced Classroom Behaviour:
Students with strong EQ can manage impulses, cooperate with peers, and follow instructions effectively. This positive behaviour creates a conducive learning environment, both for them and their classmates.
Greater Motivation and Resilience:
EQ fosters a growth mindset, where students see challenges as opportunities to learn rather than as failures. Resilient students are more likely to persevere through difficult tasks and seek help when needed, leading to better academic outcomes.
Stronger Relationships with Teachers and Peers:
Empathy and effective communication allow students to build positive relationships with teachers and classmates. A supportive social network enhances their overall school experience and encourages active participation in group projects and discussions.
Reduced Test Anxiety:
Emotionally intelligent children are equipped with strategies to calm themselves and manage stress, reducing test anxiety and enabling them to perform at their best during assessments.

EQ Skills That Drive Academic Excellence

Self-Awareness:
Understanding their strengths and areas for improvement helps children set realistic academic goals and strive to achieve them.
Emotional Regulation:
Managing emotions like frustration, disappointment, and excitement ensures children can maintain focus and composure in the classroom.
Empathy:
Understanding others’ feelings fosters teamwork and collaboration, essential for group projects and peer learning.
Social Skills:
Strong communication and conflict-resolution skills enable children to work effectively in teams and resolve disagreements constructively.
Self-Motivation:
Internal drive helps children stay committed to their studies, even in the face of challenges or distractions.

How Parents Can Foster EQ for Academic Success

Teach Emotional Vocabulary:
Encourage children to express their feelings using words. For example, ask, “Are you feeling frustrated with this math problem?”
Model Emotional Regulation:
Demonstrate how to stay calm under pressure, such as when solving a challenging task, and share strategies like deep breathing or taking a break.
Encourage Problem-Solving:
Guide children to think critically about solutions instead of immediately providing answers. This builds resilience and confidence.
Support Social Development:
Encourage teamwork through playdates, group activities, and collaborative games, teaching children to navigate social dynamics effectively.
Celebrate Effort, Not Just Results:
Praise persistence and hard work rather than focusing solely on grades. This reinforces the value of effort and learning from mistakes.

The Long-Term Benefits of EQ in Education

Emotional intelligence doesn’t just improve academic performance—it also prepares students for success beyond the classroom. EQ skills are linked to better leadership, adaptability, and decision-making, qualities that are essential for thriving in higher education, careers, and personal life.

By integrating emotional intelligence into a child’s education, parents and educators equip them with the tools to navigate both academic and life challenges with confidence and competence.

Empower Academic and Emotional Growth with EQ4Kids

Help your child reach their full potential by enrolling them in the EQ4Kids Programme. This program combines engaging activities and expert guidance to strengthen emotional intelligence, enabling your child to excel academically and build a brighter future. Invest in your child’s success today—enrol now!

Why Parents Can’t Afford Not to Develop Emotional Intelligence in Their Kids

Thu, 09 Jan 2025 10:11:38 GMT

In a world increasingly driven by connection, collaboration, and empathy, emotional intelligence (EQ) is no longer an optional skill—it’s a necessity. EQ encompasses the ability to understand, manage, and express emotions while recognizing and respecting the feelings of others. For children, these abilities are foundational to success not just in relationships but in academics, careers, and personal well-being.

Parents play a pivotal role in nurturing this skill, and overlooking it can leave children unequipped to handle life’s emotional and social challenges. Here’s why teaching emotional intelligence to kids is one of the most important investments parents can make.

The Benefits of Emotional Intelligence for Kids

Stronger Relationships:
Children with high EQ are better equipped to communicate their feelings, resolve conflicts, and empathize with others. These skills help them build lasting friendships and navigate social dynamics with confidence.
Improved Academic Performance:
Emotionally intelligent children are better at managing stress, staying focused, and working collaboratively with peers—qualities that enhance learning and performance in school.
Resilience in Challenges:
EQ equips children with tools to manage frustration, adapt to change, and bounce back from setbacks. This resilience is crucial in an ever-changing and often demanding world.
Better Mental Health:
When children understand their emotions and know how to express them, they are less likely to experience anxiety, depression, or behavioral issues. Emotional intelligence promotes emotional regulation and self-awareness.
Preparation for Adulthood:
The ability to navigate complex emotions, understand others’ perspectives, and handle interpersonal challenges is a lifelong asset. Adults with high EQ are more likely to succeed in careers, relationships, and leadership roles.

The Role of Parents in Developing EQ

Emotional intelligence isn’t an innate trait—it’s a skill that must be taught and nurtured. Parents have the unique opportunity to lay the foundation for EQ in their children through everyday interactions.

Model Emotional Awareness:
Children learn by observing their parents. Demonstrating healthy emotional responses, such as calmly handling frustration or apologizing after a mistake, shows children how to manage their own emotions.
Encourage Open Communication:
Create a safe space where children feel comfortable expressing their feelings without fear of judgment. Listening and validating their emotions helps them feel understood and valued.
Teach Empathy:
Help children understand how their actions affect others. For example, ask questions like, “How do you think your friend felt when that happened?”
Provide Problem-Solving Opportunities:
Instead of fixing every problem, guide children in brainstorming solutions. This fosters independence and emotional resilience.
Praise Emotional Efforts:
Recognize when your child shows empathy, patience, or self-control. Positive reinforcement encourages them to repeat these behaviors.

The Risks of Neglecting Emotional Intelligence

Without a focus on EQ, children may struggle to navigate their emotions, leading to difficulties in relationships, school, and self-esteem. They may become overwhelmed by stress, unable to cope with challenges, or prone to conflicts due to a lack of empathy and emotional awareness.

In today’s competitive and interconnected world, a lack of EQ can be a significant disadvantage, making it harder for children to thrive socially, academically, and professionally.

Start Early, Reap Lifelong Rewards

The earlier parents begin teaching emotional intelligence, the greater the benefits. EQ is a skill that grows with practice, and the lessons children learn in their early years form the foundation for a lifetime of emotional and social success.

Empower Your Child with EQ4Kids

Give your child the gift of emotional intelligence by enrolling them in the EQ4Kids Programme. Designed to nurture empathy, resilience, and self-awareness, this program provides the tools your child needs to navigate their emotions and thrive in every aspect of life. Don’t miss the chance to equip your child with one of the most critical skills for their future—enroll today!

Teaching Young Kids Emotional Responsibility: Building a Foundation for Accountability

Thu, 09 Jan 2025 10:07:08 GMT

Helping young children take emotional responsibility for their actions is one of the most meaningful lessons parents and caregivers can teach. Emotional responsibility involves recognizing one’s feelings, understanding how those feelings impact behaviour, and taking ownership of actions and their consequences. For young children, this can be challenging, but with patience and the right strategies, they can learn to navigate their emotions while developing empathy and accountability.

Why Emotional Responsibility Matter

Promotes Emotional Growth:
Understanding their emotions helps children regulate them, reducing impulsive behaviours and fostering self-awareness.
Builds Stronger Relationships:
When children take responsibility for their actions, they learn to empathize with others and repair relationships after conflicts.
Encourages Resilience:
Taking ownership of mistakes teaches children that errors are part of growth and helps them develop the confidence to face challenges.
Lays the Groundwork for Lifelong Skills:
Accountability learned in childhood translates into responsible behaviour in school, friendships, and later in the workplace.

Strategies to Teach Emotional Responsibility

Model Accountability:
Children learn best by observing adults. Show them how you take responsibility for your own actions. For example: “I’m sorry I raised my voice earlier. I was frustrated, but I shouldn’t have spoken that way.”
Teach Emotional Vocabulary:
Help children identify and name their emotions. Instead of saying, “Stop being upset,” try asking, “Are you feeling sad, mad, or frustrated?” This helps them understand and express their feelings constructively.
Link Emotions to Actions:
Explain how emotions can lead to certain behaviours. For instance, “I see you were angry when you knocked over your brother’s blocks. Let’s talk about what you can do next time you feel this way.”
Encourage Reflection:
After an incident, ask open-ended questions like:
“What happened?”
“How were you feeling when you did that?”
“How do you think it made the other person feel?”
Reflection fosters self-awareness and empathy.
Guide Problem-Solving:
Work with your child to identify ways to make amends and handle similar situations better in the future. For example, “How can you show your friend you’re sorry? What could you do next time to avoid getting so upset?”
Set Clear and Fair Boundaries:
Help children understand that actions have consequences. For example, if they break a rule, calmly explain why the behaviour is unacceptable and what they can do to make things right.
Praise Efforts, Not Just Outcomes:
Celebrate when your child takes responsibility, even if the situation wasn’t perfect. For example: “I’m proud of you for saying sorry to your sister. That was a kind thing to do.”
Use Stories and Play:
Read books or create scenarios in playtime that involve characters making mistakes and learning from them. This helps children practice taking responsibility in a safe and engaging way.

Overcoming Challenges

Young children may initially struggle to take responsibility, as their impulse control and empathy are still developing. Avoid shaming or harsh punishments, as these can make children defensive and less likely to reflect on their behaviour. Instead, focus on teaching and guiding with patience, offering consistent support and encouragement.

The Bigger Picture

Teaching children emotional responsibility isn’t about expecting perfection; it’s about nurturing self-awareness, empathy, and accountability over time. When children learn to take ownership of their emotions and actions, they develop the tools to manage conflicts, build meaningful relationships, and approach life with integrity.

Enrolling your child in the EQ4Kids Programme can provide them with expert guidance and practical strategies to develop emotional responsibility. Through fun, interactive activities, your child will learn to manage their emotions, take ownership of their actions, and build the skills they need for lifelong emotional intelligence. Empower your child to grow into their best self—start today!

Handling Biting in Preschool: Practical Tips for Parents

Tue, 10 Dec 2024 12:54:22 GMT

Biting is a common yet challenging behavior among preschool-aged children. While it can be distressing for parents, caregivers, and other children, it’s important to understand that biting is often a developmental phase. For young children who are still learning to express themselves verbally, biting can be a way of communicating frustration, seeking attention, or exploring their environment.

With patience, understanding, and consistent strategies, parents can help their child move past this behavior while fostering emotional growth and social skills.

Why Do Preschoolers Bite?

Limited Communication Skills:
Children who are not yet proficient in verbal expression may resort to biting to convey feelings like frustration, excitement, or anger.
Emotional Overload:
Big emotions can be overwhelming for young children, and biting can be an impulsive response to feeling out of control.
Exploration and Sensory Seeking:
Some children bite out of curiosity or to explore textures with their mouths, especially during the teething phase.
Attention-Seeking Behavior:
If a child feels overlooked, biting may become a way to draw attention, even if it results in negative reactions.

Tips for Dealing with Biting

Stay Calm:
Reacting with anger or panic can escalate the situation. Instead, stay composed and address the behavior firmly but calmly.
Set Clear Boundaries:
Teach children that biting hurts others and is unacceptable. Use simple language like, “Biting is not okay. It hurts people.”
Identify Triggers:
Observe when and why the biting happens. Is it during transitions, when the child is tired, or in response to conflict? Understanding the cause can help you address the root issue.
Teach Alternatives:
Offer children better ways to express themselves. For instance:
Encourage them to use words like “I’m mad” or “I need help.”
Provide safe objects like chewable toys if they need sensory input.
Reward Positive Behavior:
Reinforce non-aggressive ways of communicating with praise. For example, say, “I’m so proud of you for using your words when you were upset.”
Monitor and Redirect:
If you notice signs that a child is about to bite, intervene quickly. Redirect their attention to a toy, activity, or calming strategy.
Foster Empathy:
Help children understand how biting affects others. For example, “Look, your friend is sad because biting hurt them.”
Involve Caregivers and Teachers:
Work collaboratively with teachers or daycare providers to ensure consistent responses to biting. Consistency across environments reinforces the message.

Preventative Measures

Provide Structure: Predictable routines and clear expectations help children feel secure, reducing stress-related behaviors like biting.
Encourage Communication: Teach preschoolers to name their feelings and ask for help when they’re overwhelmed.
Offer Choices: Giving children options in everyday decisions (e.g., “Do you want to play blocks or color?”) can reduce frustration.

The Bigger Picture: Emotional Development

Biting is often a sign that a child is navigating big emotions or unmet needs. By addressing the behavior with empathy and consistency, parents can turn this challenging phase into an opportunity to teach emotional intelligence and problem-solving skills.

If you’re looking for additional tools and expert guidance, consider enrolling your child in the EQ4Kids Programme. This program provides valuable resources to help children develop emotional intelligence, improve communication, and manage challenging behaviors like biting. Equip your child with the skills they need to thrive socially and emotionally—starting today!

The First 7 Years: Building the Foundation for Emotional Intelligence

Tue, 10 Dec 2024 12:46:43 GMT

The first seven years of a child’s life are a period of remarkable growth and development. During this time, children are not only learning to walk, talk, and explore the world, but they are also laying the groundwork for their emotional and social well-being. Emotional intelligence (EQ)—the ability to understand, manage, and express emotions effectively—begins to take shape in these formative years.

By prioritizing the development of EQ early on, parents and caregivers can empower children with skills that will serve them throughout their lives, from forming healthy relationships to making thoughtful decisions.

Why the First Seven Years Matter

Brain Development:
The human brain undergoes rapid growth in the first seven years, particularly in areas related to emotional regulation and social interaction. This is when neural pathways associated with empathy, self-control, and emotional awareness are formed, making it an ideal time to nurture these skills.
Learning Through Imitation:
Children learn primarily through observing and mimicking adults in their early years. Parents and caregivers who model healthy emotional responses and empathy provide a template for children to emulate in their own lives.
The Foundation for Relationships:
The ability to communicate feelings and understand others’ emotions is crucial for forming meaningful relationships. Teaching these skills early helps children build strong connections with family, peers, and teachers, fostering a sense of belonging and confidence.
Resilience Development:
Children who are taught to navigate emotions like frustration, disappointment, and anger early are more likely to develop resilience. This equips them to face challenges with a positive mindset as they grow.

Practical Ways to Nurture Emotional Intelligence Early

Label Emotions:
Help children identify their feelings by naming them. For example, “I see you’re feeling frustrated because you can’t reach that toy.” This helps them understand and articulate their emotions.
Encourage Empathy:
Teach children to consider others’ feelings by asking questions like, “How do you think your friend felt when you shared your toy?”
Practice Active Listening:
When children express their emotions, listen without interrupting or dismissing. Validate their feelings by acknowledging their perspective.
Model Healthy Behaviour:
Demonstrate calm responses to stress and show how to resolve conflicts constructively. Children often replicate the behaviours they observe.
Provide Safe Boundaries:
Teach children that all emotions are valid, but not all actions are. Setting boundaries helps them understand how to express themselves respectfully and effectively.
Encourage Problem-Solving:
Instead of solving every problem for them, guide children to think of solutions. This not only boosts confidence but also strengthens emotional resilience.

The Lifelong Impact of Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence isn’t just about managing feelings; it’s about fostering self-awareness, empathy, and interpersonal skills that are vital for success in all areas of life. Children who develop strong EQ early on are more likely to excel academically, handle stress effectively, and build fulfilling relationships.

Investing in emotional intelligence during the first seven years creates a ripple effect, shaping the kind of adults they will become and the positive impact they will have on the world.

Empower Your Child’s Emotional Growth

Give your child the best start by enrolling them in the EQ4Kids Programme. This engaging and supportive program is designed to nurture emotional intelligence during the critical early years, helping your child build a strong foundation for a lifetime of emotional and social success.

Helping Kids Navigate Anger: A Guide for Parents

Tue, 10 Dec 2024 12:44:35 GMT

Anger is a natural and healthy emotion, but for children, it can often feel overwhelming and difficult to manage. Teaching kids how to handle anger constructively is one of the most valuable life skills a parent can provide. When children learn to recognize, understand, and manage their anger, they become better equipped to face challenges and build positive relationships.

Understanding Anger in Kids

Anger in children often arises from feelings of frustration, fear, or a sense of unfairness. It might stem from unmet expectations, difficulty expressing emotions, or changes in routine. While some children may lash out physically or verbally, others may internalize their anger, becoming withdrawn or anxious.

As caregivers, it’s essential to view anger not as a problem to be suppressed but as a signal to be understood. Helping children decode this emotion can transform anger from a destructive force into an opportunity for emotional growth.

Strategies to Help Kids Manage Anger Effectively

Validate Their Feelings: Let children know it’s okay to feel angry. Say things like, "It’s normal to feel upset when something doesn’t go the way you want." Validation helps them feel heard and understood.
Teach Emotional Awareness: Encourage kids to name their feelings. For example, ask, “Are you feeling mad, frustrated, or disappointed?” Naming emotions helps children gain control over them.
Model Calmness: Children often mirror adult behaviour. When you stay calm during tense moments, you demonstrate how to handle anger constructively.
Offer Healthy Outlets: Physical activities like running, jumping, or dancing can help release pent-up energy. Creative outlets like drawing, writing, or playing music can also channel emotions productively.
Introduce Relaxation Techniques: Teach children simple calming techniques like deep breathing, counting to ten, or visualization exercises to help them pause before reacting.
Set Boundaries: While it’s important to accept anger as a valid emotion, it’s equally important to set limits on harmful behaviour. Explain that feelings are okay, but actions like hitting or yelling are not.
Problem-Solve Together: Once the child has calmed down, discuss what caused their anger and brainstorm solutions. This approach helps them feel empowered and teaches valuable problem-solving skills.

Creating a Safe Emotional Environment

Children thrive in environments where their emotions are acknowledged and supported. Foster open communication, ensuring they know they can talk about their feelings without fear of judgment or punishment. Encourage empathy by helping them understand how their actions affect others.

Building these skills doesn’t happen overnight, but with consistent guidance, children can learn to regulate their anger and respond to challenges with resilience and self-control.

Teaching children to manage anger and other challenging emotions is not always easy, but you don’t have to do it alone. The EQ4Kids Programme offers expert support and practical tools to help kids develop emotional intelligence and self-regulation skills. Equip your child with the ability to navigate their emotions confidently and create a brighter, calmer future for them.

Fostering Resilience in Children Through Co-Regulation

Tue, 10 Dec 2024 12:38:28 GMT

Raising resilient, emotionally healthy children in today’s fast-paced, unpredictable world requires a delicate balance of nurturing guidance and empowering independence. Co-regulation, the process where adults provide the emotional and behavioural support children need to regulate themselves, is a foundational tool for this journey. Here’s why co-regulation is so critical, how it supports resilience, and how parents and caregivers can strike a balance between helping and letting go.

What is Co-Regulation?

Co-regulation refers to the responsive interaction between an adult and a child, where the adult helps the child manage their emotions, behaviour, and reactions to challenges. It’s a collaborative process that lays the groundwork for self-regulation, which children develop as they mature.

Imagine a toddler throwing a tantrum because they can’t have a toy. An adult practicing co-regulation might respond by acknowledging the child’s feelings ("I see you're upset because you really wanted that toy"), modelling calm behaviour, and offering alternatives. This teaches the child to identify and process their emotions rather than being overwhelmed by them.

Why Co-Regulation Matters

Emotional Safety: Co-regulation creates a sense of safety and connection, helping children feel understood and supported. This foundation is essential for healthy emotional development.
Learning by Example: Children learn how to manage stress and respond to challenges by observing the adults around them. When adults regulate their own emotions, they model essential coping mechanisms.
Building Resilience: Resilience—the ability to recover from setbacks and adapt to challenges—is nurtured when children feel equipped to navigate their emotions. Co-regulation provides a scaffold that gradually helps children take ownership of their emotional responses.

Resilience and the Role of Independence

Resilience isn’t about shielding children from difficulties but about equipping them to face challenges with confidence. Co-regulation fosters resilience by:

Teaching children to recognize and name their emotions.
Helping them develop strategies to calm themselves (e.g., deep breathing, pausing before reacting).
Encouraging problem-solving rather than avoidance.

As children grow, the balance shifts from co-regulation to self-regulation. For instance, a preschooler may need more direct guidance to manage frustration, while a teenager may only require gentle reminders or a safe space to process their feelings.

Striking the Balance: Support vs. Independence

The balance between providing support and encouraging independence is nuanced but critical. Here’s how caregivers can maintain equilibrium:

Be Present Without Overbearing: Offer support when children are struggling, but step back as they show signs of self-regulation. Let them try before stepping in.
Validate Emotions: Avoid dismissing or minimizing a child’s feelings. Validation ("It’s okay to feel disappointed") helps children accept and process their emotions.
Encourage Problem-Solving: Instead of fixing every problem, guide children to come up with solutions. Ask questions like, "What do you think we could do about this?"
Foster Growth Through Challenges: Allow children to face age-appropriate challenges. Whether it’s learning to tie their shoes or handling a disagreement with a friend, these experiences build resilience.
Model Self-Regulation: Children mirror adult behaviour. Show them how you handle stress, frustration, or disappointment with grace and patience.

Practical Strategies for Co-Regulation

Connection Before Correction: Before addressing behaviour, connect emotionally. A simple hug or reassuring word can calm heightened emotions.
Use Calming Tools: Teach children to use tools like breathing exercises, counting to ten, or sensory objects to self-soothe.
Maintain Consistency: Predictable routines and responses provide stability, helping children feel secure.
Focus on Strengths: Highlighting what a child did well, even during a challenging moment, reinforces positive behaviours.

Final Thoughts

Building resilience in children is a gradual process that thrives on a foundation of co-regulation. When caregivers balance emotional support with opportunities for independence, they create an environment where children can thrive.

The ultimate goal is not to eliminate challenges but to equip children with the tools, confidence, and resilience to face them head-on. In this shared journey of growth, both children and adults emerge stronger, more compassionate, and better equipped to navigate life’s inevitable ups and downs.

By practicing mindful co-regulation and fostering resilience, caregivers lay the groundwork for a generation of emotionally intelligent, capable, and confident individuals ready to take on the world.

By enrolling your child in the EQ4Kids Programme , you give them a unique opportunity to develop co-regulation and self-regulation skills essential for emotional growth and resilience. Through engaging activities and expert guidance, the program helps children learn to manage their emotions and build a strong foundation for lifelong emotional well-being.

The Role of Calm Environment in Managing Childhood Anxiety

Fri, 15 Mar 2024 07:06:53 GMT

Childhood anxiety is a real theme that affects many households today. This is because parents' busy lives and hectic schedules can easily trickle down to children. Children also have access to social media and technology. On one hand, it can be a powerful tool; on the other, it can be disruptive.

Creating an environment that is free of these triggers and feelings is important for children. But where does one start? Well, by understanding childhood anxiety.

What Is Childhood Anxiety?

Anxiety in children can look both similar and different in children. They may display behaviors that are erratic and have difficulty concentrating. Or a child may start to shut down and self-isolate. Some of these patterns are developed and learned from adults, while others are reactionary.

Childhood anxiety can stem from many different factors. It may be their environment at home or school. Because children don’t have fully developed brains, adults have to help manage these emotions for them. Starting with their environment is key.

Why is a Calm Environment Important?

A child’s environment likely is one of the factors that causes anxiety in the first place. Adults don’t always have control over every environment their child is in. But helping create a safe space at home can be very impactful.

There are a lot of different ways to do this. These are general ideas that can be applied in a more concentrated version that is specific and unique to your child.

Minimizes Stress

Minimizing stress between adults, which a child can observe, is great. But even if adults aren’t causing stress, other things may cause nerves or anxiety in a child. When children feel like they have to impress or perform for approval, this can cause anxiety.

It is helpful to avoid achievement appraisal or create an environment where achievement can be put aside. This applies to sports, academics, or any extracurricular activities. Asking your child if they know what their stressors are can be a helpful and direct way of trying to solve part of the issue.

Promotes Overall Relaxation

Providing a calm environment that is free of stressors promotes ultimate relaxation. This can alleviate any physical symptoms or emotional symptoms that cause a child to feel wound up. When children are relaxed, they can ultimately feel free to be themselves without stress or worry.

Creates Routine and Safety

When the environment feels like a safe space, the body registers that. This creates a routine feeling and response to coming into this environment. Our bodies have internal clocks and signals.

Routines can offer children the idea that they know what to expect. The element of surprise can sometimes cause anxiousness or nerves. This is why organization and planning involving children can also positively impact their day to day.

How To Create A Calming Environment

Knowing that there is a huge benefit to creating a conducive environment for your child to help manage their anxiety is one thing. It’s important to figure out the how part. This could mean addressing more specific anxieties or even general hardships. Start with these tips.

Offer a Clean Space

Even if a child doesn’t necessarily exude cleanliness, a clean space is important. A dirty environment can cause inadvertent anxiety in a child. This is especially true for kids who have OCD behaviors. Without a clean environment, eventually, the child will notice they are dirty and may not feel safe in their space.

Something parents may mistake is clean versus sterile. Children’s play areas are meant to be played in. This means toys can be scattered and cleaned up later. Finding the balance between the two is important.

Minimalism Can Be Effective

A cluttered space can often feel overwhelming, especially for kids who struggle with many choices. Children should have toys without feeling like they don’t know where to put them. Overstimulation can be a cause of anxiety.

Consider toys that stray away from screen time, as video games, phones, and social media can continue to worsen anxiety . Toys that force children to use their imagination can help with cognitive function.

It’s important to consider giving alone time for children to have self-discovery. Combining this with quality parent time can find an effective balance during play.

All Of Our Favorite Things

A child should be comforted by their environment. We know how it feels to have your favorite stuffed animal or blanket by your side in times of comfort. A child should also have theirs. Consider taking extra steps to make their bedroom more comfortable so they can get a good night’s sleep to ease anxiety symptoms.

This may be painting the room their favorite color or having comfortable furniture and a bed. Pillows and blankets that are comforting, as well as any sound machines that may help a child fall asleep.

One of the more common avenues today is providing a pillow sleep aid . Weighted pillows and weighted blankets can provide comfort in many different ways.

Keeping Them Involved in the Conversation

Keeping your children a part of the conversation is important for so many reasons. It allows you to get feedback on what’s working and what’s not. It also gives them a sense of control and belonging. When children have anxiety, providing them with some control over the problem can lessen symptoms.

Children and parents can work together to manage anxiety by sharing responsibility for the conversation. Remembering that the environment is sometimes the most important factor.

The Link Between Physical Appearance and Self-Perception in Children

Wed, 28 Feb 2024 11:53:24 GMT

If there’s one thing we can all agree on is that children grow up too fast. Unless we keep close tabs, years pass quicker than we can track, and we can miss out on many experiences our little ones go through in their early life. Children are like sponges – they absorb and identify with their circumstances. Relationships in their home and school affect every aspect of their life, and creating safe, open, and welcoming surroundings for them to grow up in is essential.

As your child develops self-perception and tries to find their place in the world, a process that follows naturally is that they tie it to their physical appearance. This is almost inevitable, seeing that we live in a world founded on impossible beauty standards where fitting in is celebrated over acceptance. That’s why the link between physical appearance and self-perception in children becomes so deep-seated – it’s a big part of human nature.

How Self-Perception and Appearance Are Connected in Children

Children lean on their parents and their environment to teach them about life, and self-perception is one of the building blocks of their mental health. Physical appearance is almost constantly commented on, and if a child stands out, chances are, people around it will point it out sooner rather than later.

A child can easily internalize someone else’s comments and attitudes and accept them as their own, which directly affects how they see themselves. This, in turn, can influence every aspect of their life and, in some cases, cause a trauma response that shows itself through their behavior.

These are some of the areas of their life that are most significantly impacted.

Interacting with Their Friends and Family

Feeling accepted at a most basic physical level is something all humans crave, children most of all. If a child doesn’t fit the norm of beauty and physical appearance, they quickly recognize it by comparing themselves to their peers. If they’re teased or bullied for being different, children have a tendency to retreat and become more closed off toward the world. That’s why there are still so many schools that insist on the benefits of uniforms , the judgment on physical appearance lessens when everyone looks similar.

This behavior can make it difficult for them to form meaningful relationships with family and other children. If the commentary on their appearance is constant within their family circle, the trauma of rejection becomes even deeper and more painful, making it hard for young kids to feel like they’re a part of a community. The voice of being judged for who you are and what you look like almost always becomes their internal voice that can only further compromise their feelings of worth and self-love.

Low Levels of Self-Esteem

The importance of self-esteem can’t be overstated, both in children and grownups. It’s a characteristic that needs to be honed your whole life, and if you didn’t fit in when you were younger, the need to build and nurture a healthy relationship with yourself is all the more important.

How kids perceive their physical appearance is heavily impacted by how their environment perceives it. Negative comments, seclusion, and bullying based on their physical appearance can have long-term consequences on children’s self-esteem that echo well into their adult life. On the other hand, little ones praised for their appearance naturally have higher self-esteem, which later transforms into stronger confidence, which is positively reflected in their achievements.

Mental Health Struggles

A child’s emotions are pliable, which is why an imposed negative self-image can severely affect their mental health in a variety of ways. When kids are younger, the internalized self-image creates a set of mechanisms that can either help them grow into well-rounded individuals or struggle in adolescence and adult life.

Child’s negative perception of their physical appearance can be connected with increased levels of stress, social anxiety, as well as feelings of shame and insecurity. These can later turn into mental health issues that can vary anywhere from social anxiety to eating disorders and depression.

Encouraging Positive Self-Perception in Children

The way kids develop their self-perception is a complex and multifaceted process, so it’s not always easy to keep tabs on it, but it’s the primary job of parents and educators to do just that.

Thankfully, there’s more and more awareness around this important topic, and there are also powerful ways to support your young ones as they learn to navigate the world and all its challenges. Here’s what you can do to foster the feeling of trust, security, and encouragement for your children.

It All Starts with You

The good old saying “Do as I say, not as I do” means nothing to children. They absorb not only your words and behaviors but also your underlying emotions and intentions. If you want them to have strong self-esteem and confidence, that practice must start with you. It’s vital that you show them how it’s done, always coming forth with a healthy and positive attitude towards physical appearance, because that will help them adopt that same behavior.

Building Healthy Habits

“Health comes first” is a wisdom every human should live by and a way of life that should be prioritized and discussed. A healthy attitude towards food paired with plenty of movement and exercise could set the right foundations for how your kids see themselves and the world. Create an environment where your young ones have the freedom of self-expression and their unique qualities are valued and celebrated. It will help them feel competent and good in their own skin, and that invaluable feeling will further nudge them toward positive self-perception and self-image.

Keep the Conversation Going

As your kid’s self-perception develops, they go through different stages of their life, and giving them the room to openly talk about their struggles will make it much easier for you to help them. This doesn’t mean you need to have all the answers, but rather, your child should feel that they can trust you , knowing you will listen and try to understand their struggles to the best of your ability. Nurturing positive body talk and creating an atmosphere of support, love, and radical acceptance all go a long way in giving your kid a leg-up in building their self-esteem block by block.

Conclusion

The link between physical appearance and self-perception in children is an intrinsic one, the one that will follow them throughout their lives. This doesn’t mean that you should protect them from the world and its negative parts at all costs. Instead, help them develop a strong sense of self that isn’t easily swayed or hurt by someone’s comments and opinions. Resilience and strong self-esteem come hand in hand, and it all sprouts from the roots of positive self-perception.

Planner Power: How Kids Can Organize Their Day and Have Fun

Mon, 19 Feb 2024 08:54:21 GMT

It seems like today’s kids have a lot going on. Between sports, school, and other recreational activities, kids can have a hard time keeping up. Having a say in their schedule can be a powerful tool, and that’s why having a planner can make such a positive impact.

But most think that planners are just for adults. A child using a planner the right way can lead to creativity, helpful expression, and a sense of calmness when schedules get hectic. Let’s talk about all the different benefits and how kids can use planners

Having Fun With It

It’s important for kids to know that a planner should be fun for them. It is as much a way to express themselves as it is a tool. It doesn't have to be taken as seriously as an adult planner, which will keep it fun for kids. Here are a few ways to have fun with it.

A Good Outline

Having a good base or good outline is important for a child to understand the structure of a planner. We will get into the benefits of why structure is important and why without it it can cause more chaos.

Setting up a planner that has a calendar and prompts that spark creativity is the perfect way for kids to get involved without feeling overwhelmed.

Space for Scribbles

Too much structure can lead to a planner feeling bored, so be sure to let kids know they can make their own rules as well. Having tons of space for free drawing and brain mapping leads to ultimate creativity. If you need some inspiration, you can google topics just like adults do. In fact, gym diary ideas is one of many trending searches.

Making It Personal

Making the plan personal to a child is something special and will keep them engaged. This could be including their favorite superhero on the cover or putting personal quotes on the pages for motivation.

Think about what the planner is for. Is it because the child plays lots of sports or enjoys school? This will allow the child to connect with the planner in a more intentional way. Consider buying a few arts and crafts options and giving them a glue stick. This is the first step for a child to feel connected to their journal.

Benefits of Planning For Kids

As parents, understanding the benefits for kids and using a planner is amazing. Often these are overlooked as planning can feel like a chore, but not when you do it the right way.

Provides Calmness

Journaling for kids can provide a sense of calmness just like it can for adults. It allows kids to get everything that’s inside their brains out on paper and provides a lot more clarity. When children are able to see their schedule clearly laid out in front of them, it’s easier to comprehend. When it’s all in their head, it can often feel overwhelming.

A great way to lay out a schedule is to use color-coded pens or sticky notes. Color code different types of events so that children can see much more clearly when they have sports or school on certain days and times.

Inspiring Creativity

Having a planner is a wonderful way for a child to express their creativity . This is especially true when you give them options like color coating as they may be able to arrange their schedule in a way a parent wasn’t able to do. Amazing Connor is intuitive, but children Actually have great intuition about their needs.

It’s also great to dedicate space where they can brain map. This is where they can create goals for themselves or just let out some steam by doodling. Having blank pages is important for a kid's journal.

Necessary Structure

Providing structure and organization to kids' lives is critical to create calmness. The busier a child's schedule gets, the more structure they need being responsible for their own structure can give them a sense of autonomy over what they are doing. This can help with their responsibility and routine.

A Safe Space

In an ideal world, children would go to their parents with all their fears, thoughts, and ideas. But as we know from being kids ourselves, having a safe space is super important privacy as a child gets older is key to feeling safe and respected.

Start Small

With the new task is important to start small. Journaling and planning can feel like more schoolwork to kids if not done correctly. This means overdoing it or doing it too long. It can be great to start with a prompt today or a set time to think about the week ahead.

trying out different methods and prompts will be a great way to explore planning for the first time. Not all journals or planners are a one-size-fits-all which is why making it personal is key.

7 Positive Parenting Resources You’ll Want to Check Out

Thu, 30 Jun 2022 09:46:45 GMT

People always say it takes a village to raise a kid, but I’m convinced it takes a village to raise parents, too.

Once those sweet cherubs arrive, it’s really the PARENTS who need the help–the encouragement, the guidance, and the wisdom to become the parents they’ve always wanted to be.

While I’ve dedicated my life to teaching Positive Parenting strategies to thousands of families , I’m also the first to seek out experts on topics outside my wheelhouse. I love sharing resources I know will bring measurable, easy-to-implement relief and long-term support to families in our Positive Parenting Solutions community.

Lucky for all of us, there are a plethora of people and companies who’ve dedicated their time to creating tools, programs, and resources that seamlessly support parents who are trying to implement Positive Parenting strategies in their home.

Here are a few of my favorite resources that complement our Positive Parenting Solutions course . I’ve divided the list into “Parent-Focused Resources” (you know the drill…put YOUR oxygen mask on first!) and “Kid-Focused Resources.”

Parent-Focused Resources

Comedian Jim Gaffigan once said, “You know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”

Whether you have one kid or 10, I think every parent can relate to Gaffigan’s sentiment–we feel forever-behind, overwhelmed, and exhausted on the daily.

Yes, I know you’d do anything for your children, but here’s what YOUR kids need most: a healthy, content, in-control, and capable YOU!

I know that notion may feel like a pipe-dream, but it’s exactly why I want you to check out a few of my all-time favorite parent-centered resources that will help YOU get your life organized and on track.

1. The Step Program

Family Organization Solution

Why I love it: I’m obsessed with The STEP Program from Learn Do Become because you’ll learn how to stop drowning in piles of paper, clutter, emails, and to-do lists!

The STEP Program , from my good friends April and Eric Perry, will give you a step-by-step roadmap (along with ongoing support) to organize your home, office, and life while building a strong family!

How does it support Positive Parenting? Let’s be honest, it can be difficult to get your parenting life in order when your home life feels like constant chaos.

Instead of daily disorder and chaos, imagine having a well-organized “Command Central”– a place where everything is organized and you know exactly what needs to be done and when.

Imagine freeing up your mental and physical “clutter” so you have the time and energy to be the best positive parent you can be for your kids. That’s exactly what you’ll learn to do in The STEP program .

As someone who struggles in the organization department (ask my teammates or my husband !)–I can’t recommend this program highly enough!

2. The Balanced Life

Online Fitness and Health Solution

Why I love it: I love this program because it removes the obstacles for moms who are short on time—and actually equips them to lead a healthy balanced lifestyle. My sweet friend, Robin Long created a perfectly doable, comprehensive online wellness solution that fits YOUR schedule–with an incredibly supportive online member community called the “Sisterhood.”

In the “Sisterhood,” Robin offers monthly pilates workouts for ALL SKILL LEVELS (ranging from 10-30 minutes), healthy and family-friendly recipes, and an entire library of searchable pilates workouts. (Plus! A portion of every purchase goes to support children in need.)

The other reason I’m obsessed with this program is because Robin is just SO REAL. She is a mom of four (including newborn twins!) and she gets us! She understands busy moms and she’s tailored the program to work with our lives, not compete with them.

How does it support Positive Parenting? Let’s be honest, even though you KNOW your health is important–family life happens. And on queue, your health needs get sent to the sideline while you give every bit of mental and physical energy to take care of everyone else. You wait for a “less busy season” so you can “get back on track”–but that time never comes.

Even in the busiest seasons of your life, The Balanced Life is the perfect safe-zone to get back on track so YOU can be the healthiest, happiest version of yourself–and be the loving, patient, positive parent to the people you love most!

Kid-Focused Resources

Now that parents have the resources to become the best versions of themselves, here are a few of my favorite kid-focused resources. These courses and programs are designed to address specific parenting struggles and I look to these instructors for wisdom in each of these areas!

3. Kids Cook Real Food

Kids’ Cooking Solution

Why I love it: While the entire Kitchen Stewardship website is a goldmine when it comes to healthy living, let me draw your attention to their Kids Cook Real Food Online Course . This, my friends, is for any parent who’s ever wondered, “Is it worth letting them ‘help’ if they leave eggshells in the bowl and splatter spaghetti sauce all over the walls when they are manning the whisk?”

I get it. It often feels MORE difficult to invite kiddos into the kitchen when you’re just trying to get dinner on the table. But have no fear, Katie Kimball leads you step-by-step through a comprehensive cooking course that will teach your child (and YOURSELF) how to cook safely in the kitchen. With suggestions for kids of all ages–toddlers to teens–you’ll give your children life-long culinary skills that will benefit them (and any future spouse) for years to come!

How does it support Positive Parenting? Equipping children to do tasks around the house will have life-long benefits as your kids grow into adults. With each new skill they learn in the kitchen, they’ll feel more confident and independent–which is what Positive Parenting is all about!

Kids of all ages love to help around the kitchen–I mean, what kid DOESN’T want to wield a knife? Unfortunately, parents often turn away the help from younger children, but then get upset when their teenager no longer wants to help.

If the long-term goal is to have a teenager who helps around the house and in the kitchen, we need to steward and encourage the “help” from our littles–even if it does take a little training and a few tries to get it right!

4. Oh Crap! Potty Training Course

Potty Training Solution

Why I love it: It’s simple and specific. My friend, Jamie Glowacki, is my absolute favorite person to potty talk with. She is truly an expert in the potty training arena and has helped THOUSANDS of parents tackle this potentially treacherous season.

The Oh Crap! Potty Training Course is filled with action-packed strategies and step-by-step instructions to guide parents through the dreaded potty training days.

How does it support Positive Parenting? Jamie’s method is fast, effective and gentle. She equips parents with the tools they need so potty training doesn’t turn into a power struggle. Her method isn’t punitive or rewards-based making it the PERFECT complement for any Positive Parenting Journey.

Positive Parenting Solutions members will recognize Jamie from our Potty Training 101 advanced module!

5. The Birds and the Bees Solutions Center

Positive Sex Education Solution

Why I love it: It’s the conversation so many parents DREAD having–you want to teach your kids about the birds and the bees but aren’t sure how to do it in an age-appropriate way. You know it’s important to talk about their private parts, but how do you do it in a less awkward way?

I love Amy Lang’s courses because she gives parents actionable steps and SCRIPTS to engage in healthy conversations about body parts and sex in a way that supports YOUR family values. No need to worry about “what” to say, Amy gives you everything you need!

Plus! She has course offerings for Preschoolers to Teens!

How does it support Positive Parenting? First, Amy Lang is a certified Positive Discipline instructor so her strategies most definitely align with Positive Parenting strategies .

Her courses focus on maintaining open communication with your children and having honest conversations about bodies and sex so your children will view you as a trusted and valued resource on the topic–and so they’ll feel comfortable coming to you when they have questions.

Plus! Amy takes the guesswork out of tackling the conversations which is a win-win for everyone!

Positive Parenting Solutions members will recognize Amy from the Talking to Kids About Sex In a Way that Supports Your Family Values advanced module in the online course !

6. GoZen

Child Anxiety Solutions

Why I love it: My friend, Renee Jain, created GoZen for kids ages 4-15-ish who struggle with high stress and anxiety. I love this program because kids learn by watching animated cartoons–really!

Kids watch engaging, entertaining cartoons to learn skills of resilience and well-being. In addition, imaginative games, workbooks, and quizzes enrich their learning. GoZen also has programs to teach resilience skills for kids who struggle with OCD, panic attacks, negative thoughts and more.

How does it support Positive Parenting? The underlying goal of Positive Parenting is to meet the emotional needs of our children FIRST. While all humans have the same hardwired needs for belonging and significance, some children have additional emotional needs that must be addressed for Positive Parenting strategies to work effectively.

For children who experience high levels of anxiety and stress in particular situations, it’s critical for them to learn the skills to recognize those feelings and work through them so they can be the best versions of themselves. GoZen has the resources you need to address any deeper emotional needs to ensure Positive Parenting works effectively for your child.

Positive Parenting Solutions members will recognize Renee in the Help for the Anxious Child advanced module in the online course!

7. The Social Institute

Social Media Training for Kids Solution

Why I love it: Social media expert and 4 time Duke All-American athlete, Laura Tierney designed The Social Institute to help kids WIN at social media. The Social Institute takes a kid-centered approach to social media by empowering children to take control of their online presence.

Through games, interactives, and group instruction, The Social Institute is bringing parents, students, and teachers the most revolutionary social media curriculum.

How does it support Positive Parenting? One of the primary goals of Positive Parenting is to raise responsible, capable, and independent children . While it may seem easier (and sometimes necessary) to simply forbid all social media from your home or block particular websites, The Social Institute TEACHES children how to use social media responsibly.

By equipping kids with the appropriate tools and wisdom to use social media responsibly, parents no longer have to worry about limiting access altogether. Plus, when children feel a sense of power and control over their lives, they are more resilient, respectful and less likely to act out.

Positive Parenting Solutions members will recognize Laura from the Social Media Training for Kids advanced module.

Final Thoughts

While there are many incredible tools, courses, and resources on the market to support a Positive Parenting journey, it’s imperative parents are also equipped with a toolbox of Positive Parenting discipline strategies.

Our comprehensive online parenting course is designed for toddlers to teens because we know parents need a life-long, foolproof roadmap to handle the biggest power struggles. I know firsthand because I’ve been there–and so have thousands of other families.

Original Article - Positive Parenting Solutions

Adults Who Weren’t Allowed To Express Their Feelings As Children

Thu, 26 May 2022 10:56:31 GMT

Children who are not allowed to express their feelings can have a life-lasting effect. Some of these effects might include:

You believe that your feelings don’t matter;
You act as if you have everything together;
You might view the expression of emotions as a weakness;
You might feel guilty about experiencing certain feelings;
You might find it difficult or overwhelming to deal with the feelings of others;
You might dismiss your own need for validation or support
These are just some of the challenges which can surface.

Think Before You Respond To Your Child

Thu, 26 May 2022 10:55:21 GMT

We all find it difficult sometimes to not react in the heat of the moment. We even encounter moments as parents where we blurt out things we never intended to say with a tone of voice we often don’t even recognise as our own. In order to help us from impulsively reacting toward the behaviour of our children, we can pause and ask ourselves some of the following questions:

Will the way I respond now break my child’s spirit or teach them something valuable?
Will my response ensure that I still keep my child’s trust?
Would I like it/how will I feel when someone responds to me in the way I am about to respond to my child?
What will the way I respond to my child right now teach him/her?
What is the aim of my response and what do I hope to get from my response?
Will my response be an age-appropriate response?
Will my response show respect and kindness towards my child?
Is my response helpful and are the things I expect from my child communicated clearly?

Tips To Help Your Family Members Keep Their Chin Up

Thu, 28 Apr 2022 10:38:18 GMT

Creating a positive atmosphere in a household and a healthy emotional climate can help kids to have more overall positive days. As a family, you can come up with different rituals, ideas or even rules to ensure that you maintain a positive atmosphere in your household. Here are some ideas:

Do something impulsive every now and then;
Do something you haven’t planned or don’t do every day;
Create family rituals
What we do together as a family matter and can create life lasting memories;
Exercise together as a family for at least 10 minutes
Exercising together as a family also creates unique opportunities for connecting with each other. Exercise also has a positive influence on our mood, brain and to have a more positive outlook on life.
Take Breaks
When everyone in the household feels overwhelmed, it is sometimes necessary to announce that everyone needs to “take a break”. Taking a break can include simple things such as sitting outside on the grass for a while or taking a walk.
Learn new things
Learning new things can include learning a new fact every week/month or exploring new hobbies. It can also includes reading up on different topics.

Doing fun things and to deviating from your household routines every once in a while, can contribute greatly to overall positivity in a household. Create opportunities to just laugh together and to not take everything so serious.

Helping Your Child Look After Their Mental Health

Thu, 28 Apr 2022 10:36:14 GMT

As parents we sometimes get emerged in school exams, tests and assessments and sometimes neglect the mental health of our children. We sometimes forget that mental health also plays a big role in performing well academically. Here are a few things to keep in mind when looking after your child’s mental health:

Role Model mentally healthy behaviour
Displaying positive mental health as a parents goes a long way. We are the most important role models in the lives of our children. You as a parent ultimately create the mental health habits your child will learn;
Good Coping Skills
Help your child learn skills such as coping skills and learning about taking different perspectives into account;
Talking about feelings
Have regular conversations with your child about the challenges they face, the things they enjoy and their ideas on how to deal with overwhelming feelings;
Overall wellbeing
Get your child involved in helping you choose healthy foods for dinner/lunch/breakfast. Wellbeing also includes a healthy exercise routine, spiritual health as well as mental health;
Self-care
Help your child to create time to look after yourself and encourage and show interest in thier hobbies;
Healthy play
Encourage healthy and creative play;
Relaxation
Help your child to develop healthy relaxation skills, such as deep breathing;
Relationships
Developing your child’s social skills and helping them to have good relationships is an important life skill. Helping your child develop good relationship skills can start with you as a parent teaching them the basic social skills such as introducing oneself to another person, how to compliment others, showing good manners etc.

Our overall mental health plays a big role in our ability to motivate ourselves, to go after our goals to aim for success and many more. Helping your child develop a healthy positive mindset from a young age, can help them throughout their lifetime.

Family Responsibilities

Thu, 28 Apr 2022 10:33:54 GMT

One of the biggest responsibilities that every member of a family has, is the responsibility to ensure that they build good relationships with their family members. However, it is important for parents to start teaching their kids that ultimately their happiness is determined by themselves and the responsibility of their happiness is their own. Parents should indeed create a safe and happy environment for their kids, but children need to be taught that they need to create their own internal happiness as well.

Household dynamics is a great place for kids to start learning more about responsibilities. Putting age-appropriate responsibilities on the shoulders of a child can help keep their feet firmly on the ground. A Family setup created the opportunity for a learning school, a school which must be founded on love. Having simple rules related to responsibility and teaching these rules to our kids can help them develop important life-skills. Some of these rules can include:

Always accept responsibility for your actions;
Be accountable for your results;
Take responsibility for your own feelings and respect those of others;
Take ownership of your mistakes;

The First 7 Years Matter – So Does The Rest…

Thu, 28 Apr 2022 10:32:37 GMT

It has often been said that the most important developmental aspects occur in the first seven years of a child’s life. Aristotle was well known for saying “Give me a child until he is 7 and I will show you the man”. Statements like these often cause parents to feel very anxious. However, the answer to whether the first seven years of life is the most important does not have a set in stone or black and white answer. Childhood adversity or trauma does not necessarily determine the overall wellbeing of a child or the success they will achieve as adults. While the first seven years might not be everything when it comes to whether a child has developed in a healthy way or not, it does matter, especially with relation to topics such as social development.

In the first years of a child’s life, their brains develop rapidly and makes millions or neural connections in minutes. Neural connections can be seen as the foundation of a child’s life from which all other future connections will grow. While the first seven years in a child’s life does not necessarily determine their lifelong happiness levels it does lay a foundation for how they will interact with the world by processing the way they are responded to by others.

Neuroplasticity proves that our brains are not only powerful, but that we can change the faulty or negative programming we received in our early childhood years. This might not be as easy as it would have been when you were seven years old, but it is always possible. Parents cannot control every aspect of wellbeing of their children, but they can ensure that they provide them with a secure base and keep a healthy connection with them.

Ouers en Onderwysers – Wees Versigtig!

Thu, 31 Mar 2022 19:10:08 GMT

Ons vergeet soms dat kinders onder die ouderdom van 7-8 jaar ‘n baie beperkte kapasiteit het om inligting te sif. Dit beteken dat die dinge wat ons kinders hoor en sien by onderwysers, ouers en ander volwassenes waarop ons staat maak ‘n groot impak op ons kinders kan hê. Negatiewe ervaringe of oortuigings wat gelewer word deur die voormelde rolspelers word iets wat ons kinders daagliks saam met hulle dra. Al hierdie dinge speel dan ook ‘n rol in ons kinders se verhoudings met ander en hulself en kan ook hul eiewaarde beïnvloed.

Ek dink dit is soms nodig vir ons as ouers en ook onderwysers om gereeld onsself hieraan te herinner. Daardie klein seuntjie of dogtertjie wat voor jou sit is so ongelooflik beïnvloedbaar. Die woorde wat jy spreek en die voorbeeld wat jy stel word daardie kindjie se innerlike bron van motivering vir soveel dinge in hul lewens. Daar is nooit ‘n rede om enige kind af te breek nie, enige boodskap kan met vriendelikheid, simpatie en respek oorgedra word.

Voorbeelde waar ons as ouers soms ‘n slegte voorbeeld stel kan insluit ons uitgesprokenheid. As ons as ouers nie van iemand hou nie of woedend is oor die optrede van iemand anders, is ons kinders nie die persoon wat dit moet hoor of ontgeld nie. Jy sal binnekort dalk weer beter voel oor die persoon met wie jy in ‘n konflik situasie was, maar vir daardie kindjie het jy die boodskap oorgedra dat hierdie persoon sleg is of dalk nie vertrou kan word nie. Kinders onthou hierdie dinge en ‘n situasie soos hierdie is genoeg om dan ook in jou kind die geneigdheid te kweek om negatief van ander te praat of negatiewe gedagtes oor hul te koester.

Onderwysers moet ook versigtig wees om nie hul woede vir ouers uit te haal op hul kinders nie. Geen kind kan verantwoordelik gehou word vir die optrede van hul ouers nie. ‘n Wyle gelede het ‘n vriendin van my in ‘n konflik-situasie beland met een van haar dogter se onderwysers, dit was daarna duidelik dat die dogter self ewe skielik begin swaar trek het by die skool en dat die spesifieke onderwyser negatief teenoor haar begin optree het.

Kom ons onthou dat ons as ouers en onderwysers almal volwassenes en dat ons kinders ook maar net kinders is. Ek en jy bepaal wat in hul reistasse gepak word waaruit hul vir die res van hul lewens gaan moet leef.

Feeling Description To Help Expand Your Child’s Vocabulary

Thu, 31 Mar 2022 19:08:22 GMT

When it comes to helping our kids expand their emotional vocabulary it will not suffice to only teach them to be able to label the basic emotions such as anger, fear, sadness, happiness or fear. We need to help our kids to fully understand these feelings and to understand them. In the process of doing so, we might just be able to help our kids discover their underlying emotions, which often leads to identifying the things which cause our feelings so much easier.

Here are some examples you can use to help your kids understand or describe certain feelings:

JOY: Feeling grateful and connected to others/something important to you. It is a happiness that is sometimes bigger than happiness which can make your heart smile and your whole body feel good.

DISSAPOINTED: Feeling upset, let down, burned out or even sad because something good that you expected to happen, did not happen.

OVERWHELMED: Feeling like you are experiencing too much pressure and that you have to deal with too many things at the same time.

HAPPY: Feeling satisfied to such an extent that you experience everything as joyful and full of pleasure. You feel as if life is good.

BRAVE: Is the feeling you experience when you do something scary/ challenging or uncomfortable even if you feel scared. It also means you are feeling courageous.

ANNOYED: Feeling irritated, aggravated or even impatient.

DETERMINED: Feeling confident that you are going to push through no matter what in order to achieve or accomplish something.

WORRIED: Feeling as if you have something or many things to be concerned about, you can feel concerned, distressed or even fearful when you are worried. Sometimes you can have racing thoughts with regards to the outcome of something about which you feel uncertain.

HOPEFUL: Feeling hopeful and inspired about the future or looking forward to something.

Compliments Not Focused On Appearance

Thu, 31 Mar 2022 19:05:50 GMT

It is important to not always give our kids compliments that only focuses on their appearance. Compliments such as these can include:

I love the passion you have for love;
I like the way you feel confident about yourself;
It is great that you can be resilient;
You are a good listener;
You set a good example for others;
I enjoy your sense of humour;
It is fun spending time with you;
You are kind;
You are brave;
Nothing can ever make me stop loving you;
I admire your good heart;

Effective Praise Matters

Thu, 31 Mar 2022 19:03:55 GMT

When it comes to praising our kids, statements such as “you are so clever” or “You are the prettiest girl ever” will not suffice. Effective praise needs to adhere to a few specific elements, which include:

Looking beyond whatever your child achieved
e.g: “It was great that your team won the team, I also noticed how good you are at motivating your team members, you are a good team player”.
Focus on the steps they took to achieve their goal

e.g: “Even though it was hard, you kept on trying. I am so proud of you”

Make sure you recognise hard work and practice

e.g: “I can see that you have been practicing/working hard it shows in your results”

There are many reasons why detailed effective praise works. When we look beyond only achievements, our kids recognise that we care about them as a person and for who they are. When we focus on how a child achieved a certain goal, it can teach them that doing their best matters and when we notice the fact that they work hard, they learn that hard work produces results.

Look Out For Opportunities To Compliment

Fri, 25 Feb 2022 12:22:39 GMT

Giving kids positive and uplifting feedback often requires us as parents to appropriately complement our kids. Positive compliments can include:

“Thank you for doing your best”
“I see that you are being very kind to your brother today – thank you for that”
“You are being very kind today, I like seeing that”
“I enjoyed spending time with you today – it is fun for me to be with you”
“I see you got ready on time today, thank you”

A kind and encouraging word can go a long way and the effects thereof can cause our kids to have a positive and good day in total.

Emotional Suppression

Fri, 25 Feb 2022 12:21:02 GMT

Emotional suppression can have devastating effects, especially in the long run. There are many things that cause kids to learn this behaviour including:

Dismissive parents;
Emotions not being validated;
A great concern for what others think about you;

Here are a few things to remember in order to refrain from suppressing emotions:

ALLOW FEELINGS TO EXIST/EXPRESSED APPROPRIATELY

We are not responsible to fix the emotions of others, however, we can make room for the emotions of others.

BE AWARE OF EMOTIONAL BODY SIGNALS

This is especially helpful to teach to kids. Our body often reacts in various ways (e.g tummy ache, making a fist, feeling jittery etc.). When we become aware of the messages our body is trying to communicate to us, we can use this opportunity to consciously identify what we are feeling and accordingly reconstruct our thoughts in order to appropriately regulate what we are feeling.

BREATHING EXERCISES

Breathing exercises have always been a helpful tool when it comes to calming ourselves down. A great breathing technique that can be taught to kids is to breathe in for 4 seconds and to breathe out for 8 seconds whenever they react to whatever is happening around them. It is also important to explain to kids that every situation does not always require their reaction.

LABEL THE FEELING

When we label what we feel, it leaves room for processing and regulating our emotions. It also gives us the opportunity to reassess what is happening around us or integrate these feelings when deciding on the appropriate behaviour or reaction to resort to.

There are also many things which we often say to our kids and the chances are good that we say these things to ourselves as well, such as:

“Don’t frown or show that you are upset, just smile”

This can teach kids to perform their feelings rather than addressing and regulating what they are truly feeling

“Just shake it off”

This can teach our kids that pain or challenges are something that needs to be pushed away

“You are not a small child anymore, you need to stop doing that”

This can put our kids under the impression that feelings are something they need to outgrow and that feelings are “childish”.

Many adults still believe that is not safe to process emotions and that it is much easier to push them away or act as if they do not exist. Feelings should be seen in a positive light, there are challenging feelings, overwhelming feelings and strong feelings, but no feeling should be considered a bad feeling.

Emotional Validation

Fri, 25 Feb 2022 11:48:30 GMT

Sometimes there is a thin line between statements that truly validate the feelings of others and statements that don’t. Helping our kids improve their overall emotional intelligence will require us as parents to ensure that we make use of the correct emotional validation statements. Let’s take a closer look at some validating and some invalidating statements:

Validating the overwhelming feelings our kids experience takes the same amount of energy to just dismiss them, in fact, it sometimes takes less energy and helps us as parents to regulate our own emotions as well. Remember, it is also appropriate to ask your child if you can have a moment to think before you respond”.

Helping Kids Learn About The Things They Can And Can’t Control

Fri, 25 Feb 2022 11:45:10 GMT

Throughout our lives, there will be things we can control and things we can’t. Focusing on the things we can’t control can cause us to experience unnecessary stress. It is important to teach our kids that there will be things in life that they might not be able to control and that it is important to rather place our focus on the things that we can indeed control. Here is a simple list of things that we can and can not control which you can start teaching your child

The Things We Model For Our Kids

Fri, 25 Feb 2022 11:41:13 GMT

There are many things that we as parents model for our kids. Sometimes we do this without even realising it. As parents, we are the biggest role models in the lives of our children, especially in their early childhood years. Here are some things we model for our kids whether we might realise it or not:

Dealing with mistakes;
Dealing with conflict;
Having patience;
Self-care;
How we stand up for ourselves and others;
The power of a positive/negative mindset;
The importance of apologising and forgiveness
The ability to ask for help;
How we deal with differences in people;
How we listen;

Sometimes being the best version of yourself as a parent is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child and remember, they are ALWAYS watching you.

Self-Validating Statements For Kids

Thu, 27 Jan 2022 10:42:28 GMT

Expanding the internal dialogue of our children will include helping them formulate positive sentences which they can use to validate themselves. Having made this a habit can be especially helpful for kids whenever they have to go through a difficult time. During these times, we as parents can remind them about these truths about themselves. Examples of self-validating statements can include:

My feelings matter;
I love every part of me;
I did my best;
I matter;
I am worthy;
Every step counts, no matter how small;
Everyone makes mistakes sometimes;
I am proud of who I am;

A great way to start teaching kids to make use of self-validating statements is to help them choose two or three of their favourite statements and to recite it with them every morning before school.

Helping Kids To Be More Positive

Thu, 27 Jan 2022 10:41:10 GMT

Helping kids to be more positive can sometimes be a big challenge. As parents, we often feel worried when our kids constantly complain or come across as seeing only the negative side of things. It is in these moments where we as parents need to ensure that we refrain from trying to motivate our kids by resorting to toxic positivity. Using genuine optimistic statements might just be what our children need in these moments of negativity. Let’s take a look at some negative and positive statements used to motivate children:

Repair Rather Than Repeat

Thu, 27 Jan 2022 10:32:30 GMT

It is normal for every parent to make mistakes. Parents often experience a huge amount of stress, especially when they have to balance raising kids and having a full-time job. In these moments of feeling overwhelmed, parents often snap at their kids, take the wrong approach or say things that might make their kids feel hurt. These are the moment when we as parents need to do some repair work often by apologising wholeheartedly. Here are a few examples of good ways to apologise and repair:

“When we returned from the playground, everyone was asking me things at the same time and I had to make sure you didn’t leave any of your toys behind. I am sorry I yelled at you. Next time I am going to try and take a few deep breaths, to calm down and think before I yell”

“We all had to rush this morning to get ready for school, it was a long day for me, I think I need to take a break, would you like to go and sit outside with me for a while?”

“I know that was hard for you...I enjoyed watching you do your best. Thank you for trying to calm yourself down before you yelled at your brother. Is there something I can help you with?”

“I am sorry I didn’t answer you, I was focusing on the dinner I was busy making and didn’t realise you were speaking to me. I have a moment to listen now, will you please repeat what you said?”

Repair work can help our kids regulate big emotions and often creates opportunities for very important discussions with our kids. Don’t let these moment’s pass you by.

Growth Mindset In Kids

Thu, 27 Jan 2022 10:30:19 GMT

Having a positive mindset can help us in most situations in life. We as parents play a big role in developing a positive mindset. Having a growth mindset means that we choose to learn from our mistakes and that we can see the positive side of a negative situation. Here are some positive growth-mindset sayings which you can teach your child:

I can do great things;
Even if I don’t know everything, I can still learn every day;
Failure is only a temporary setback;
Thinking positive thoughts can help me with having a positive life;
Becoming smart is something I need to work on every day;
I am not afraid of being different;
It takes patience to become successful;
Trying new things can help me learn;
I can focus on progress instead of perfection.

Remember, we as parents need to lead by example. Be mindful of the way you speak to yourself and the way you deal with your own challenges. Choose to be an example of standing up instead of staying down after a setback.

Take a Deep Breath: Teaching Kids to Control Emotions

Thu, 18 Nov 2021 08:35:44 GMT

Meltdowns happen. But when your child has ADHD, it can be more difficult for him to learn how to control emotions and impulsive reactions. Teach him how to keep his cool with a plan for action and coping strategies.

Controlling emotions, or emotional control, is the ability to manage emotions in order to achieve goals, complete tasks, or direct behavior. A young child who has this skill can recover from a disappointment — a low grade on a math test — in short time. A teenager can manage anxiety over taking a test and perform well. Some kids with attention deficit disorder (ADHD or ADD) handle their emotions just fine, others don’t. Empathy works well with all these children. Parents and teachers can say, “This is frustrating for you, isn’t it?” or “It gets to you when teachers (or parents) don’t understand how hard you’re working to control your feelings, doesn’t it?”

Control Emotions in the Classroom

Avoid problem situations. Don’t place a child with ADHD next to someone who knows how to push his buttons. If a child gets upset with open-ended assignments, quickly help her get started so she doesn’t have time to feel frustrated.

Give the child a plan for handling problem situations. “When you don’t understand an assignment, I want you to raise your hand and say, ‘I think I need a little help to get me started on this.'”

Control Emotions at School

Encourage the child to forgive himself for mistakes. Emotional upset is caused less by specific situations or events and more by what we tell ourselves about that situation. Say to the child, “It looks like you’re telling yourself that leaving your homework at home is a disaster. Maybe you could tell yourself, ‘Oops — forgot that homework assignment. What can I do to remember to bring it tomorrow?'”

Create a 5-point scale to help the child gauge how upset she is. Help her make a coping strategy for each step on the scale. For a child who has meltdowns when there’s an unexpected change in schedule, the scale might look like this:

This doesn’t bother me at all.
I can talk myself down.
I can feel my heart speeding up a little … I’ll take 10 deep breaths to relax.
OK, this is getting to me, I probably need to “take 5” to regroup.
I’m about to melt down, so I need to leave the class for a few minutes.

Write a story. Create a one-paragraph “social story” that addresses a child’s problem situation — getting in trouble on the playground, the disappointment that comes with earning a bad grade, nervousness when the student has to perform in front of a group — and ends happily with a coping strategy.

Give praise. Notice when a child shows good emotional control. You could say, “I saw how angry you were, but you kept your cool. Nice job.”

Practice Emotional Control at Home

Make sure your child gets enough sleep. Fatigue increases problems with emotional control. Schedules and daily routines help children better regulate their emotions, because they know what they have to do and handle.

Give your child coping strategies. She can say, “I need to go to my bedroom for a few minutes to be alone” or tell you a break is needed. Other self-soothing strategies include holding a favorite stuffed animal (for a younger child) or listening to relaxing music on an mp3 player (for an older child).

Help your child create a “hard-times board.” List three categories on it: 1) the triggers — what makes your child upset; 2) the can’t-do’s — the behavior that’s not permitted at times of upset; and 3) the can-do’s — two or three coping strategies (draw a picture, take a five-minute break, get a drink of water) to help him recover from being upset. Praise your child when he uses one of the coping strategies from his board.

Read books on emotional control with your child. What to Do When Your Temper Flares and What to Do When You Worry Too Much , both by Dawn Huebner, describe coping strategies for taking control over unpleasant emotions.

Give your child a plan for problem situations. If your child gives up without trying when a homework assignment appears difficult, suggest, “Here’s what I want you to say to yourself before starting this: ‘I know this will be hard for me, but I’m going to keep trying. If I get stuck after trying hard, I will ask for help.'”

Show how you cope with emotional upset. For instance, “If I find myself getting cranky and I’m afraid I might say something mean, I’ll set the timer for three minutes and take a time-out to see if I can calm down.

Original Article - ADDitude

The Powerful Effects of Building Resilience in Children

Thu, 18 Nov 2021 08:32:22 GMT

Building resilience in children is something that should never be taken lightly when it comes to childhood development. Though childhood is often seen as a carefree time to grow and mold into the person they want to become, this does not mean that they are shielded against emotional hurt, challenges, and trauma during the journey. Academic hardships, bullying, personal struggles at home, and generally living in a complex world, can all weigh on them and ultimately, impede their development.

But the thing is that you, as the parent, do not have to sit back or label yourself as the sole protector for them every time something negative comes their way. Instead, work on raising resilient children can give your child(ren) the best tools and cognitive foundation to thrive regardless of what challenges might arise in childhood and beyond.

What Is Resilience?

By definition, resilience is the ability to “bounce back” from adverse life events or stressful challenges. Developing resilience in children cultivates their young minds to be braver, more adaptable, curious, and more effective in dealing with adversity, which they are sure to face. They will unearth what is called an “internal locus of control,” which is a self-reliance and acknowledgment that they are capable to effecting outcomes in their life. In short, they will see themselves as capable of determining their own fate.

According to the Harvard Graduate School of Education , resilience is taught and built throughout life. It is not something that is innate or a resource that can be used up over time.

Childhood Mind Is an Open Gateway – Leverage It

As noted above, anyone can learn how to be resilient. But learning how to build resilience in children is the most effective way to make resilience stick because children are content sponges. According to Columbia University , children are learning machines. They absorb experiences faster than adults because their brains’ prefrontal cortex (where memory is stored) is not as developed as adult brains.

Adults have what is called “ functional fixedness ,” whereas children are more creative and inventive. Their minds are literally designed to learn and discover new things, which is another reason they can grasp new languages much faster than adults.

The Benefits of Building Resilience in Children

Countless studies such as the one conducted on the US National Library of Medicine , demonstrate that the more resilient a person or child is, the less they experience stress due to being more mentally equipped to handle life’s pressures.

Building resilience in children helps them overcome obstacles more easily and reduces their chances of suffering from mental disorders such as anxiety and depression. Some other benefits include:

Enables children to develop the necessary mechanisms and self/situational awareness to protect themselves against overwhelming experiences. They learn what is worth letting go, what is worth tackling productively.
It helps them maintain order, balance, and peace in their lives despite external factors going on. This gives them the ability to protect their mental wellbeing and know their value and worth.
Grows their confidence to take on situations on their own and prosper through it by reframing the negative events into a motivating, productive one.
Gives children a feeling of competence to master specific skills and capitalize on strengths while keeping a positive outlook on life.
Improves social connections and confidence, which enables them to succeed in their personal and professional goals throughout their lives.
Improves their healthier overall! Stress negatively impacts on health, and being resilient can give your child a more quality-driven life by reducing stress.

Ever wonder why your child gets sick before or during exams? It may not be because she’s faking it!

The body undergoes several changes during stressful times, all of which derive from the amygdala . Your heart rate will increase, you will be more hyper aware, and your cortisol levels will rise. This is a great evolutionary trait for the short term to protect yourself, but in the long-term, it can have harsh effects, and it can weaken the immune system. It can also cause the prefrontal cortex to shut down, halting the brain’s ability to regulate emotions, problem solve. It can also initiate impulsive reactions.

The good news is that raising resilient children can help them keep their amygdala calm, reversing the physiological changes that stress surfaces, allowing them to recover faster and find solutions to problems at hand.

How to Build Resilience in Children

If you acknowledge the powerful benefits of resilience and want to help your child build their capacity, that’s fantastic! They will surely appreciate it now and well into their adult lives. There are several ways you can get started. Here are some of the more promising ones to start incorporating:

Allow Them to Express and Release Their Emotions: Holding in those stresses only harms their mental and physical health. Because of that, give your child the freedom to express their emotions and feel safe sharing them instead of keeping it bottled in. Then offer suggestions and more optimistic perspectives for how they address their underlying issues.
Talk to Them About Change: Let your child know early on that life is always evolving and changing. Though sometimes change might feel hard, they are strong and can adapt to anything as it comes. Reinforce that change does not equate to having to give up on initial goals, but merely means that they will need to create different paths to reach them.
Let Them Make Mistakes: It can be hard as a parent to watch your child make mistakes and resist the urge to step in and save them. However, let them make their own mistakes and give them the space to try to resolve it on their own first. If they ask for help, let them know that they did not fail, and show them the concept of brainstorming alternative ways to succeed in what they were trying to accomplish.
Encourage A Positive Attitude: Continuously remind your child to be a good friend, person, sibling, and show respect towards others. Help them build an optimistic attitude that overpowers the negativity that surrounds them from time to time. Teach them to position their mindset to approach obstacles in productive, positive ways.

Conclusion: The Resilience Mindset

Resilience has undoubtedly become a buzzword today. But it deserves to be based on the data. As parents, it’s natural you want nothing but the very best for your kids. You want them to be happy, healthy, independent and confident in taking on the world. Helping them early to build a resilience mindset will pay immense dividends now and long into their future. The benefits of resilience are like tentacles that’ll thread through every aspect of your child’s life, including their relationships, learning ability, self-esteem and confidence. It really is an invaluable gift to give them.

And always remember, though raising resilient children can be an excellent goal, never forget to let your child(ren) know that no matter what, it is still okay to ask for help when they need it.

The Superpower Kids Resilience program is an effective and engaging way to develop your child’s resilience. Whilst fun and interactive, it incorporates powerful social and emotional learning strategies, along with weekly gamified activities.

Original Post - Super Power Kids

8 Steps to Help Your Child Develop Self Control

Thu, 18 Nov 2021 08:24:56 GMT

“What we’re really measuring with the marshmallows isn’t willpower … It’s much more important than that. This task forces kids to find a way to make the situation work for them. They want the second marshmallow, but how can they get it?”—Walter Mischel

We can think of self-discipline as the ability to manage ourselves to reach our goals. In Walter Mischel's Marshmallow experiments, he tested how long a child can resist eating a treat, if it means she will then get two treats that she really wants. In other words, does the child have the self-discipline to control her impulses to meet her goal?

(And yes, these were kids who actually WANTED the second treat, and trusted the interviewer to give it to them. If you have questions about whether we can draw valid conclusions from this experiment, you'll want to start with our last post: Does It Matter If Your Child Has Self Control? )

The part that's interesting about the marshmallow experiment to me is that ˆif a 4-year-old (who wanted a second treat and trusted the experimenter) could control themselves to not eat the treat, they grew into happier adults.

I think that's because these children could manage their impulses to meet their goals. Our ability to manage our emotions and impulses is essential if we want to meet our goals, from getting along on the playground to holding a job. And adults who repeatedly fail to realize their aspirations in life are certainly less happy.

To clarify this issue, we might want to think of this trait as " emotional regulation " rather than "self-discipline." (Mischel himself said that this experiment — and all "self control" — is being able to manage "hot" emotions well enough to resist the temptations that otherwise derail us from reaching our goals.)

The good news is that there are ways for parents to help their children build brains that are better at self-regulation (i.e., self-control.)

Let's look at the steps.

1. The foundation of self-control is trust.

Parents who are responsive to children's needs foster trust. When the hungry infant wakes up crying and the parent picks him up and feeds him, he learns to trust that food will come. Eventually, this child will trust that he will indeed get the treat he's been promised eventually, so he doesn't have to eat it this minute. And he'll be able to soothe his own impatience and worry to manage himself in stressful situations. Parents help their children reach this relatively mature stage faster every time they soothe anxiety and foster a feeling of safety and acceptance.

Not surprisingly, when the Marshmallow test is manipulated so that the child has more trust in the experimenter, the child is able to wait longer to eat the marshmallow. When the child has less trust in the experimenter, he eats the marshmallow sooner. Wouldn't you?

2. Children learn emotional regulation from our modeling.

Parents who de-escalate drama and soothe their child's upset help the child build a brain that calms down more easily. Every time a child is soothed, her brain strengthens the neural pathways to soothe and regulate emotions, which will eventually allow her to soothe herself.

By contrast, when parents can't manage their own emotions and react angrily, or take their child's challenging behavior personally, the child gets a clear message that life is full of emergencies and she needs to stay mobilized for protection and attack. She builds a vigilant neural system that easily escalates and has a harder time calming down, which makes it difficult for him to control her emotions and behavior.

So one of the most important things you can do to help your child learn self-control is to regulate your own emotions, so you can stay calm and patient with your child.

3. The self-control capacity of the brain increases with practice.

Toddlers don't have the ability to resist a treat left available to them, while 30 percent of 4-year-olds and virtually all adults do. What makes the difference? The prefrontal cortex, which is barely developed in a 2-year-old and reaches maturity around the age of 25. But there's a wide variation in how fast the prefrontal cortex develops and how well it works at every age. How do you strengthen the prefrontal cortex? Practice!

Some people have theorized that children who are "smarter" are the ones who are able to wait. But "smartness" is not static, and it is not just innate ability. It depends on being able to control your impulses, which we know is strengthened every time the child CHOOSES to do so. Any repeated action strengthens the brain. Again: Practice!

The brain changes based on experience that is repeated. Every time kids voluntarily give up something they want for something they want more, they build the neural pathways in the frontal cortex that are associated with self-discipline.

Notice if he never has to let go of something he wants, he doesn't get the chance to practice controlling himself. The child is practicing self-discipline only when he has a goal — for instance, two marshmallows soon (or maybe his mother's approval) — which is more important to him than his immediate desire -- for instance, one marshmallow immediately (or maybe to knock his little sister down.) That's why permissive parenting , that doesn't ask children to manage themselves in accordance with appropriate limits, doesn't help children learn self-regulation.

4. Self-control is choosing to give up what we want for something we want more.

Notice this doesn't happen unless it's the child's goal. When he's forced to give something up, he isn't practicing self-discipline. The prefrontal cortex practices self-control every time it chooses to give something up (that treat on the plate) for something it wants more (in this case, two treats.) When they're young, children relinquish hundreds of impulses daily (grabbing the candy bar in the supermarket line, throwing their cup across the room, peeing on the floor.)

Why would any child choose to overcome her impulse when she wants to do something? Because there is something she wants more than her immediate impulse. That something is her warm connection with the parent, as long as that connection includes a sense of her self as valued and able to meet her needs. Over time, as she makes constructive choices, she begins to see herself as a person who acts in a certain way. ("I'm someone who washes my hands before eating.... who uses my words when I'm angry... who does my homework.") So over time, what motivates her self-discipline (or what she wants more than her immediate impulse) is a sense of mastery and positive identity .

5. Self-control starts with the Self.

Notice that the child has to make the choice to give up what he wants in the moment for something he wants more; he can't feel forced. This is self-discipline, meaning the motivation must be internal.

(Alfie Kohn, with whom I agree about most parenting issues, questions whether "self-discipline" is even a desirable trait to encourage. He defines it very differently than I do, however: "marshalling one’s willpower to accomplish things that are generally regarded as desirable." That's not "self" discipline as I define it, because the goals come from outside of us.)

So as a parent, "making" your child practice self-control won't help the brain develop self-control. Instead, find situations where your child wants to exercise self-control. For instance:

Play "Simon Says" or similar games.
When your child hits a roadblock in pursuing one of his passions, express your conviction that, "Yes, that's hard... Hard things are worth doing... You can do hard things!... You have done hard things before, like x and y.... I am right here to give you support while you do this hard thing!"

6. Empathic limits give kids practice in self-discipline.

Every time we set a limit that our child accepts, she's practicing self-control. Sure, she'd rather keep playing, but she gets in the bath because there's something she wants more than to play all night. No, not to splash all over the bathroom. What she wants is the loving connection with her parents.

So punishment doesn't encourage self-discipline, because the child isn't actually choosing to stop what she was doing; she's being forced.

Note that permissiveness doesn't encourage self-discipline because the child doesn't feel a need to stop herself. Setting a limit with understanding, so that your child is willing to accept it, is what helps your child develop self-discipline.

7. Waiting is good practice — up to a point.

There's a common misconception, popularized by Pam Druckerman in Bringing Up Bébé; that kids in France learn better self-control than American kids because they're trained early to wait for their parents' attention and to follow rigid schedules. But Mischel never conducted the Marshmallow test with French kids, so there's no evidence that they'd do better on it than American kids. And there are no studies asserting that French adults are more self-disciplined than American adults. In fact, there's no research showing that either French kids or adults have better self-control than anyone else.

We also know that rigid schedules are the opposite of responsive parenting, and that responsive parenting is associated with healthier emotional development, so at least that part of Druckerman's theory doesn't hold up against well-established science.

But I do think Druckerman is partly right about the skill of "waiting."

We know that every time we exercise self-control, we build our ability to draw on it to meet our goals. So it's true, as Druckerman asserts, that kids who get practice "waiting" do learn to tolerate waiting, to trust that the waiting will be worth it, and to learn strategies for waiting. There's an important caveat, though.

Waiting only helps kids develop self-control if we've first observed #1 and #2, above. In other words, if the parent makes the child wait for longer than she's developmentally able (not soothing as in #1), her anxiety about getting her needs met overwhelms her and she learns she has to scream to get what she wants, rather than learning self-control. And if the parent is yelling at the child to wait (as in #2, above) the child learns that it's an emergency, which sabotages her attempts at self-control.

What's more, the parent needs to be lovingly available to support the child so he can overcome the anxiety of waiting. To take another example:

"You are so hungry, I know... The pasta is almost cooked... Come, let's get the colander so we can drain it."

This reassures the child that the food is indeed coming, and teaches the valuable skill of self-distraction (which is a primary skill used by preschoolers who pass the marshmallow test). If, instead, the parent snaps "Stop whining, you aren't starving -- I'm moving as fast as I can!" the child may experience the parent as withholding something he needs, and he's given no help to learn to wait.

Does he learn that he eventually gets fed? Yes, but not without some anxiety along the way, which won't help him resist that marshmallow. And since he experiences himself as frequently struggling against his parent, he has no incentive to stay open to parental influence — so why not take whatever marshmallows he can whenever he can?

The bottom line on waiting is that while we can encourage the development of self-control by empathically helping our child endure discomfort, it backfires if kids think we're tormenting them. Luckily, life gives kids plenty of practice in waiting without our orchestrating it, because:

8. Children learn self-control naturally as they attempt to master their world.

Kids develop self-discipline when they're motivated by something important to them. Playing with other kids requires them to manage their emotions and impulses. Making cookies requires them to wait until the cookies are baked. Getting good at soccer requires them to practice kicking over and over.

Every time a child has to manage himself, he learns a strategy that helps him. For instance, the children who are able to resist the treat are proficient at refocusing their attention to concentrate on something else. When the researcher leaves the room, they distract themselves. After one longing look at the marshmallow, a child will ignore it, instead pulling out the most interesting toy from the shelf. How did he learn this? By the repeated experience of wanting something badly enough that he regulated himself to get it.

Are you worried that your child might eat the marshmallow?

I have good news for you.

Mischel acknowledges that a "substantial subset of people failed the marshmallow task as 4-year-olds but ended up becoming high-delaying adults." Researchers are still conducting longitudinal studies to figure out how they did it. But we know that self-control is all about learning to regulate our emotions, which allows us to regulate our thoughts and behavior.

As Mischel says: "We can’t control the world, but we can control how we respond to it. Once you realize that willpower is just a matter of learning how to control your attention and thoughts, you can really begin to increase it."

So the die is not cast at age four. The brain is like a muscle — it strengthens throughout life, depending on how it's used. Parents who are emotionally responsive, set empathic limits, model emotional regulation, and encourage children to pursue their passions will raise self-disciplined kids, and that's probably true regardless of whether the child passes the marshmallow test at age four.

Does it sound like the parents' own self-discipline predicts the child's? You bet. But that's another study.

Original Article - Psychology Today

How Children Learn Resilience, an Early Years Super Power

Thu, 18 Nov 2021 08:16:19 GMT

Eavesdrop on any parent gathering. Whether new to the game, discussing the relative merits of local nurseries, or old hands with updates on exam results, one constant resonates: ‘I just want them to be happy.’ Wanting happiness for those we care about is natural. We strive to create the conditions for our children’s mental wellbeing. Always. But should making children ‘happy’ really be a priority?

No matter what their life circumstances, sooner or later all children encounter setbacks. The ability to bounce back from adversity is crucial, whether that means getting over the loss of a favourite toy, coping with the distress of finding a best friend prefers to play with another child, or making progress despite a learning disability. So perhaps, ‘ I just want them to be resilient’ is a better thing to wish for?

Resilience is a lifelong skill, useful in all sorts of personal and professional situations. Enhanced resilience skills are what new graduates need to negotiate the world of unpaid internships that may or may not lead to job security. It’s what adults need to pick themselves up after financial or personal loss. Resilience is what allows humans, big and small, to succeed in the face of adversity. Resilience is an attitude. It is habit we cultivate, and best learned young.

‘Resilience’ as a field of interest for academics and Early Years professionals isn’t new. ‘Parenting and resilience’ , a report supported by the Joseph Rowntree Foundation (JRF), an independent development and social research charity, explains that in professional practice, the consideration of resilience helps adults look at problems, deficits or psychopathology in children as ‘strengths and opportunities on which children can build,’ as opposed to qualities that need to be ‘remedied or treated.’

Another example is ‘What works in building resilience?’ , a 2004 report by Tony Newman for Bernardo’s, an organisation that works to improve conditions for some of the most vulnerable children in the UK. The organisation’s goal is not to eliminate childhood difficulties, but to promote effective adjustment within such situations. The emphasis is not on making sure that children are happy, but on ensuring that, in situations which they are likely to be unhappy, they are able to cope with a robust, balanced and measured response.

Of course, these reports explore ways to help and provide for children in positions of extreme distress, but many of the approaches identified can be applied much more generally. No matter the circumstance, a child possessing the wherewithal to summon strength in adversity fundamentally possesses a superpower. These are some of the many ways parents can foster resilience from very early on, and help their children become their very own superhero.

Talk to Babies from Day One

Children are introduced to speech by hearing others talk . For some parents, talking to babies long before they can fully understand and respond comes naturally. Others find it more challenging. Introverts for example are not big talkers to begin with, but the good news is that anyone can get into the habit of talking to their baby. Start by narrating daily events as they happen: ‘Your diaper feels damp, so I’m going to swap it with a dry one, then we can go out for a walk in the sunshine.’ Word-flow is first met with smiles. The smiles turn into babble, then words, and eventually full sentences. Over time the narrating sequence of actions is absorbed and digested into logical thoughts that can apply to any life situation. When setbacks eventually happen, your child won’t just react to unpleasant events by being ‘not happy’, but will reason through them logically. You’ve given your child the ability to be resilient.

Consider a Nursery that Follows Montessori Methods

Resilience is a habit honed over time. The more practice your child gets, the more resilient she or he becomes. Giving your child plenty of space and opportunities for creative, self-directed, exploratory play is important for developing resilience. Nothing is better for building resilience as a child than choosing your own missions, making your own mistakes, and finding your own solutions to problems, real or imagined. Results-orientated education begins far too early in the UK and the US, which often leads to stressful, nd counterproductive experiences for children discovering their own little place in the world. We covered some of the benefits of a Montessori education in this article , but in short, Maria Montessori’s methods were all about allowing children to choose their own games, find their own challenges, and learning from their own mistakes. The repetition of trial and error, coupled with hands-on play, promotes concentration and self-discipline. It builds self-confidence through the growing understanding that if something doesn’t work right away, you can always try again. There is no judgement, there are no grades. The key to resilience is confidence, and Maria Montessori was all about that when it came to children.

Choose Tangible Playthings that Encourage Discovery

To think of children’s toys as objects of simple entertainment greatly underestimates the importance of toys. As shown by Professor Jeffrey Goldstein in his paper, ‘Play in Children’s Development, Health and Wellbeing’ , toys are developmental tools for small hands that help children think, grow, and learn. Old-fashioned toys like wooden shape sorters, xylophones and construction kits like Duplo, are considered to be some of the best educational tools for toddlers a parent can buy. They provide tangible nodes over which children and adults can connect. Toys are catalysts for the exploration of space, quantities, cause and effect, and of course, resilience. As adults, it’s often hard to resist the urge for making play more aesthetically pleasing: ‘Stack this block next… maybe the cars should stay on the roads…” Well, we shouldn’t! By interfering in the aesthetics of the game, we shatter the micro-fantasy that children are enacting. Through interacting with toys, the children are accomplishing many imperceptible things. They are on a mission. Solving a problem. They may not necessarily articulate it, but they are discovering a solution to an imagined predicament. Just follow their lead.

Approach Challenges As a Multisensory Experience

If during play, children initially find a challenge overwhelming, you can help them tackle the task by breaking it down into smaller steps. When the challenge is tangible? Even better, because it becomes a multisensory challenge. Neurologist Judy Willis provides a very good suggestion on the Guardian Teacher Network for multisensory problem-solving with toys. Willis suggests giving a group of children a broken mechanical toy such as a jack-in-the-box and asking them how they think it works. In the beginning you will notice that children are unlikely to be confident about their first ideas and answers. After an initial enquiry, encourage them to take the object apart, using their hands to inspect the various parts any way they choose. By doing so, you give them the opportunity to move from feeling uncertain about their answers, to being confident in discovering the answer through hands-on play. When asked the question again, their answer might still be incorrect, but they are no longer anxious about a right or wrong answer. They’ve become excited about the process of discovery instead.

Help Children Work at Relationships With Their Peers

Children’s friendships can be a frequent source of upset. They seem inconsequential to adults, but we forget that even though small in the grand scheme of life, children’s relationship problems are huge in proportion to their experience, age, and understanding. When upsets happen, helping children see things from another point of view than their own, is a quality that all children can learn with help. A Mumsnet thread about children’s quarrels was started by a frustrated mother looking to help her child deal with a squabble between best friends. Among the suggestions was a technique which the contributor calls: ‘the finger of five options.’ The first step is to draw around the child’s hand. Then, starting at the first finger, ask what the child thinks has happened before considering an alternative possibility for each of the other fingers. As the contributor explains: ‘You build resilience by offering them a way to make sense of what is happening and how to move on from it.’ This sort of exercise pushes children to enlarge their narrow sphere of understanding in which just one interpretation of events is correct and fair. Over time, they will no longer need to use a hand drawing to rationalise a distressing event, but will be able to reason through it independently, and automatically.

Teach Children to See Failure as a Positive Experience

There’s such a strong focus on achievement in every stage of childhood now that even very young children can worry about letting themselves or their parents down. When it comes to exams, this focus is further reinforced by a common system in which parents attempt to encourage children to work by offering financial rewards for high grades. In families where sustained effort is most prized however, high grades become their own reward system, and whatever the outcome of hard work, the child has learned to persevere – an invaluable skill that paves the way for bold experimentation and new discoveries. Every failure comes with an instantaneous silver lining. When we fail, two signals are triggered in the cortex, explains author and former international table tennis champion Matthew Syed. The first is an involuntary response to making a mistake. The second, which happens 200–500 milliseconds afterwards, is associated with heightened awareness . You notice more things, you see more angles, you can take in more information. You are automatically, and evolutionarily, learning from your own mistakes. It would be great if every child knew that a brilliant opportunity to learn arrives at the very moment they’re consumed by a mistake and ready to kick themselves over it, but explaining evolutionary science to a small child isn’t easy. Unfortunately, the best way for children to learn from their mistakes, and to ‘learn they can learn from their mistakes’, is allowing them to make mistakes. Many, and often. Making mistakes is natural, it will happen their whole lives, and the sooner they can accept that, the more practiced at bouncing back they will be.

Lead by Example

The way adults deal with setbacks, and the language we use when things aren’t going according to plan, influences children’s responses in similar situations. If a parent takes it in their stride when they miss a bus, burn supper, or miss out on plans, their child is likely to imitate such positive behaviour. If we react badly, get angry, and lose our temper, children will also imitate us. It’s human to conflate difficulties that are in fact unrelated, in the face of dispiriting setbacks. But a ‘nothing ever goes right for me’ mentality can be hard to shake off, and contagious for our littles. Children pick up on our vibes, attitudes and reactions. Treating setbacks as challenges to be met with ingenuity and humour, and letting our children see the way we react, is by far the best way to help them learn resilience. It isn’t necessarily easy, but making an effort to model our adult behaviour to the behaviour we’d like from our offspring, can often motivate us to be better, and be more positive about life ourselves.

Much of the research into resilience shown in the academic links above has been carried out by charities that work with children and young people growing up in care. The reports make resilience look more like surviving than thriving, but all children will eventually meet hurdles, and how they learn to approach the small ones will affect their ability to leap over the taller ones later in life. There is no consensus on the precise nature of resilience, but the Rowntree report states that: ‘Wherever resilience is located, the research evidence does tend to converge around the pivotal role that parents play in developing it.’

In essence, we, as parents, are responsible for resilience in our children. So let us not obsess over happiness, and let us focus on resilience instead. If happiness is a result, resilience is a process that leads to it. Let us focus on giving children a superpower that will allow them to make themselves happy, to deal with real life situations, and to become confident problem solvers in the face of setbacks.

Original Post - Primo

Why emotions matter

Thu, 21 Oct 2021 08:58:32 GMT

The way we interpret and respond to our feelings has a major impact on our behaviour, choices, and how well we cope with and enjoy life.

Think about all the different feelings you have every day – from surprise to shame, elation to empathy – and how you react to each emotion. The way you deal with your feelings now is very different to how you would have at age 14, which is different again to your responses age four.

Emotional development is a complex process that begins in infancy and continues into adulthood.

Emotional development starts with young kids:

learning what feelings and emotions are
understanding how and why they happen
recognising their own feelings and those of others
developing effective ways of managing them.

As kids grow and are exposed to different situations, their emotional lives also become more complex. Developing skills for managing a wide range of emotions is really important for their emotional wellbeing.

Emotional development stages

Babies start to feel basic emotions such as joy, anger, sadness and fear. Later, as kids begin to develop a sense of self, they experience more complex emotions like shyness, surprise, elation, embarrassment, shame, guilt, pride and empathy.

Very young children’s emotions are mainly made up of physical reactions – such as their heart racing or butterflies in their stomach – and behaviour.

As they grow, children develop the ability to recognise feelings. Their emotions are also increasingly inﬂuenced by their thinking. They become more aware of their own feelings and better able to recognise and understand those of other people.

The experience of emotion includes

physical responses, including heart rate, breathing, hormone levels
feelings that children recognise and learn to name
thoughts and judgements associated with feelings
action signals, such as an urge to approach, escape or ﬁght.
Many things influence the ways that children express emotions, both through words and behaviour.

These influences include:

values and beliefs about appropriate and inappropriate ways of expressing emotions that children learn from parents and other family members
how effectively children’s emotional needs are usually met
children’s temperaments
emotional behaviours that children have learned through observation or experience
the extent to which families and children are under various kinds of stress.

Why do children need help from adults?

We can all feel overwhelmed at times. Over time, we get to know what situations or experiences are likely to upset us and how we can manage our emotions when these arise. We continue to learn about what upsets us and find new ways to handle our emotions throughout our lives.

Children also have times when they can feel overwhelmed or out of control but, because of their age, they’ve had less time and opportunity to learn about managing their feelings. When adults respond to children’s cues and help them manage feelings of uncertainty, helplessness, or being overwhelmed, kids feel safe and trust that they have someone to help when they need it.

Gradually children learn to manage their emotions for themselves from their experiences with warm, responsive and trusted adults. When children feel calm and safe, they’re more likely to be able to focus and maintain their attention, which is central to their overall development.

Giving kids a hand with emotions

You can help kids move from a negative state where they’re feeling upset or distressed to a more positive one – where they feel safe, calm and ready to interact with their world in a positive way.

Try a few of the tips below – over time you’ll figure out what works best for your child.

Helping them to slow their breathing down – by blowing bubbles or pretending to blow out birthday candles – and encouraging them to take deep breaths.
Encouraging children to imagine they are a floppy rag doll and to give themselves a shake. This helps release tension they might be holding in their body.
Helping children to imagine and pretend they are a favourite animal taking a nap. This encourages kids to close their eyes and relax.
Developing a strategy to use when they’re feeling out of control, such as having a calm thought or picture; taking time out by reading a calming story together; or talking with you or another supportive adult about how they feel.
Expressing their emotions in productive ways – this might include drawing, using playdough or acting their feelings out with toys.
Increasing their ‘feel good’ hormones through exercise, positive social experiences, a healthy diet, and plenty of rest.

Original Post - Beyond Blue

Some Thoughts On Positive Thoughts

Thu, 21 Oct 2021 08:54:48 GMT

Helping a child develop a positive internal dialogue can help them resort to positive thinking instead of negative thinking when faced with challenges.

By simply complimenting our kids for every achievement, we make little progress in helping them develop a strong positive outlook on life. We need to help our kids experience situations in which they can be successful and help them develop the skills to deal with the negative thoughts they might start thinking when they are not successful. Help your child to learn more about the power of positive thinking and remember the following:

The biggest contributors to stress are negative thoughts and worry;
Prioritising positive thinking can cause you to make a good first impression on others;
Positive thoughts can contribute to your confidence and resilience;
Positive thinking can turn problems into opportunities;
Positive thoughts can increase motivation

TEAMWORK – A Skill every child needs to learn

Thu, 21 Oct 2021 08:53:43 GMT

Teamwork is an essential skill that all kids will have to draw from for the rest of their lives. Being a good team player is a skill which we as parents can develop in our kids.

The ability to work well in a team with others hold many benefits. This skill does not always come naturally for each individual and parents will often have to step in and help their kids develop these important skills. Here are some conversation starters which can help you in the process of teaching your child more about teamwork:

How do you think your attitude can influence your team? (Teach your child about individual responsibilities which can influence a whole team)
When you hear the word teamwork, what thought do you think of? (Explain the meaning of teamwork and teach your child different situations in which teamwork is required (e.g. sports, at home, between friends)
What do you think makes a great team? (Help your child identify qualities such as respect, support, thankfulness)
How can you be a good teammate at school with your friends? (e.g. work together instead of against one another when playing in the sandpit)

What We Can Say When Kids Feel Overwhelmed

Thu, 21 Oct 2021 08:52:31 GMT

It is important to remember that kids can experience emotions and feelings just as intensely as adults. However, some parents still say to an overwhelmed child who is busy crying, to “stop crying”. Picture yourself in a situation where you feel overwhelmed and start crying, how will you feel if someone comes up to you and says “stop crying”?

When our kids experience overwhelming emotions they need our connection, empathy and understanding. Try using some of these sentences the next time you have to help your child deal with challenging feelings:

It’s okay to feel sad, scared, mad.
This can be hard sometimes;
Can you tell me about it or draw a picture;
I will stay here with you but let me know if you need some time alone;
I am listening to you;
Help me understand;
I will help you;
Would you like a hug until you feel better;
Let’s take a break before we try again;
I am sorry that you have to go through this.

Helping Children Manage Big Emotions

Thu, 23 Sep 2021 10:20:04 GMT

Experiencing emotions is a vital part of being human. Emotions give us information, motivate us and prepare us to act, and give others information about how we are feeling. However, emotions can also be difficult to handle, particularly when the intensity of the emotion grows beyond what we can easily manage, as well as when they are more painful emotions like sadness, anxiety, shame, or guilt. When painful emotions become very intense (i.e., become “big” emotions), they tend to lead to impulsive behaviors, hard to control emotional thoughts, and intense physical sensations, such as tight muscles, an upset stomach, or a headache. Learning to manage painful, big emotions and particularly, to catch and soothe those emotions before they get too big, is an important ability for children to develop. Read on for tips on how to teach your child to handle their big emotions.

Name and Normalize Big Emotions

"We all experience emotions and they are important and helpful – even when they are not easy to experience. "

Teach your child that we all experience emotions and that they are important and helpful – even when they are not easy to experience. Brainstorm together about the emotions they experience and how they might be helpful. For example, feeling a little nervous before a test motivates them to study. Feeling guilty after saying something unkind reminds them to be more gentle in the future. Crying when they are sad lets an adult know that they might need help or want to talk. If your child is not sure how to tell the difference between emotions, link emotions to body sensations. For example, anger often shows up as heat in the body while anxiety often causes tight muscles including tense, hunched shoulders and fists or a clenched jaw. The next time your child is experiencing an emotion, gently ask where they are feeling it in their body. This, along with practice noticing and naming emotions, is a foundational step of emotion awareness and regulation.

Teach Coping Skills

Teach your child a few simple coping skills to soothe their big emotions. It is helpful to match the skill to the intensity of the emotion being experienced as different skills help with different levels of emotional intensity. Kids also often benefit from a visual, such as an emotional thermometer where small (i.e., less intense) emotions are on the bottom part of the thermometer, medium are in the middle, and big are on the top.

A helpful coping skill for when emotions are less intense or “small,” is to practice helpful “self-talk.” This skill can be adapted depending on the situation, but the basic approach is to acknowledge that you are having a tough time and to encourage or coach yourself as you would a friend in the situation. For example, if your child is struggling with homework they might say “this is really hard! At the same time, I’m doing my best and can ask my teacher for help tomorrow.” As another example, they might say to themselves “I feel sad that my play date was canceled because of the rain. I’m going to figure out how I can have fun inside instead.”

When emotions are creeping up towards “medium” temperatures, it is helpful to use your senses to pay attention to the present moment. This skill is helpful because it gives us a chance to focus on something concrete, other than the painful emotion. When we return to the emotion after a minute or two of focusing on our senses, the emotion tends to feel more manageable. There are endless ways to practice this skill. One fun option is to focus on the sense of vision and to count every object of a certain color in the space around you. You can also use your other senses, such as noticing how many things you can hear or taste or setting a timer to see if you can notice five different smells in one minute.

When emotions get very big, it is helpful to use skills that shift our physiology. Cold temperature is one powerful way to calm our bodies down. Put cold water or something frozen (e.g., an ice pack, a bag of frozen veggies) over your face or on the inside of your wrist or back of your neck. Putting cold temperature on these sensitive areas forces our bodies to slow down and quickly decreases intense emotions. Another way to calm your body when emotions get big is to practice “paced breathing” in which you breathe in for fewer counts than you breathe out (e.g., in for 3 and out for 5).

Tips for Parents

It is very hard to learn something new in an emotionally charged moment so teach your children these skills during a calm time, such as on a walk or on a long car ride. Help them practice and re-practice their new skills in calm moments as well. It can be helpful and fun to turn skills practice into a game in which each family member gets a turn “teaching” the others how to calm their emotions. Repeated practice in calm moments is crucial because it allows children to become familiar and comfortable with the skills before they really need them.

It is also helpful for parents to model using skills themselves. For example, you might say “I am feeling worried that we will be late for the doctor’s appointment because of all of this traffic. I’m going to use my paced breathing to help calm down.” Kids learn by watching and seeing their parent use skills tends to increase their willingness to try skills themselves. Finally, give labeled praise each time your child attempts to use a skill to soothe their emotion – even if they are not ultimately successful at decreasing their emotional intensity. For example, you might say “I love that you tried counting colors when you felt really worried. Nice work.”

When to Seek Help

If your child’s big emotions are regularly interfering with their ability to be a kid (e.g., go to school, have fun with their friends, participate in extra curricular activities, relax and play), consider consulting with a mental health professional who specializes in working with children. It is particularly helpful to seek out a clinician who practices cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) which is an evidence-based treatment focused on teaching skills for managing difficult emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.

Original Article - Magination Press Family

12 Ways to Protect Your Child From Stress

Thu, 02 Sep 2021 12:22:19 GMT

The greatest dangers to our kids may not be the ones we worry most about, the ones that make the news, like abduction and child molestation. Random abductions by strangers are relatively rare in the U.S., approximately 200 annually, and molestation is almost always perpetrated by someone the child knows. Most parents can reduce these risks dramatically with attentive parenting.

Stress researchers now believe that the greatest risk for many children is the stress of the way we live. Stress has an actual biological impact which causes physical, emotional and brain changes. Stress makes all humans, young and old, more vulnerable to dangers from anxiety to depression, and from obesity to substance abuse.

The American Psychological Association's annual stress survey has concluded that teens are as stressed as adults in our culture. In fact, adolescents are five-to-eight times more likely to report symptoms of anxiety and depression than kids who lived at the height of the Great Depression. But it turns out that even younger children are often more stressed than we realize.

Given how stressed we feel as parents, it's often a surprise to hear that stress can be even worse for our children than for us. Why? Kids suffer from the same hyper-scheduling as adults, but it's made even more challenging by their immature emotional and intellectual development.

Children's brains are still developing, laying down neural pathways in a daily context of stressful over-activity, upsetting images and hyper-stimulation.

Researchers are only beginning to understand the effects of this on children's neurological development.

Compared to adults, children perceive themselves as powerless, at the mercy of schedules, parents, peers, school. They struggle with pressures that most of us didn't, from much more homework to over-precocious peer culture to being constantly plugged-in. They have less downtime, less playtime, less warm face-to-face connection, and less access to the grounding effects of nature.

But resisting the seductions of our culture altogether is impossible, because virtually all parents participate in it ourselves. How many of us would be willing to move to the country and live slower, more peaceful lives without screens and alarm clocks, in tune with the rhythms of nature?

On the other hand, it is our job as parents to protect our children from things that may endanger their welfare, and we need to face the hard truth that some of what we take for granted in our modern lives is actually destructive to our children. I don't have all the answers on this. But research studies do give us some guidance on how to protect our kids. Here are a dozen tips that together help provide a protective shield for your child against the stresses of our modern lives.

1. Slow down.

Humans are designed to love excitement and novelty, but stress kills. Literally. Stress erodes our patience, our health, and our ability to give our best to our kids. Stress makes us edgy and compromises our emotional control so we're more likely to become annoyed or angry. Stress sabotages our immune systems and our energy levels. If we're honest with ourselves, we can usually see how we make our lives more stressful than they need to be, simply by being unwilling to make the choice to pare back. If you want your child to behave better, start by slowing down and not rushing so much. Your child will gravitate toward your centered presence and want to follow your lead.

2. Resist the impulse to over-schedule your child.

All kids need downtime, creative time, time to dream and do nothing and even get bored. Kids need to learn to like being with themselves without being entertained. They need quiet to tap into their own still voice. They need to notice that when we're still, unfinished emotional business often arises, swamps us, and then passes away, resolved, leaving us more free. They need to learn to structure their own time without always looking to us or their screens. They need the chance to notice how good they feel when they get some down time and don't feel so rushed. They need to understand that life isn't the activities that fill it, but something much more vast and mysterious.

3. Teach Stress Reduction Skills.

Teach your child that we all need a repertoire of healthy ways to reduce stress, so we aren't vulnerable to misusing unhealthy ones, like food and alcohol. For instance, physical activity is one of the best ways to reduce the stress hormones circulating in our bodies. Make it a daily habit to get your child moving. Nature is also a proven antidote to stress; so be sure that some of that movement happens outdoors.

Another helpful technique for kids is to listen regularly to an audio specifically designed to help them learn to regulate stress, such as a guided visualization or story that teaches deep breathing.

4. Listen, and Laugh.

Like adults, kids need a chance just to talk, to offload the worries and tensions of the day. A regular tradition of them talking and you listening -- without trying to solve anything; just with respect and empathy -- will help your child or teen open up and talk to you when something stressful happens in their life, from bullying to major goofs on their part.

Kids also need plenty of laughter, which helps them heal the normal anxieties of daily life and actually transforms the body chemistry. If you find you're too caught up in moving your child through the routine to take time for listening and laughter, build some small connection rituals into your family life, such as snuggling each morning, roughhousing and laughter before bath time and everyone sharing their favorite and worst parts of the day at dinner.

5. Encourage your child's passions -- without pushing.

Encouraging children to be creative agents ultimately gives them more joy in life than the passive consumption of culture created by others. But I'm not just referring to the arts; any talent, skill or hobby that matters to your child will insulate him from peer pressure, drug use, and the extremes of commercialization. Just don't push your child to perform or to "win" with his passion, or you take a source of joy and transform it to another source of stress.

6. Choose a school that minimizes homework and competition -- and emphasizes social-emotional learning.

Almost half of all kids in the US are stressed by school, according to American Psychological Association studies. That's because most schools push children beyond their developmental level, forcing them to sit still and to learn by listening and memorizing instead of by exploring, doing, and discussing. Many schools also use shaming discipline techniques like red/yellow/green lights, which increase stress in children who are struggling to control themselves.

Children learn best when the "whole child" is acknowledged and encouraged. That means a curriculum that includes social-emotional development will help your child develop both emotional intelligence and intellect, and reduce stress levels.

Homework is a big stressor for children who have been sitting in a classroom all day. If you can choose a school that minimizes homework, you'll be freeing your child to have more downtime for play, self-initiated exploration, and pursuing her own passions. That not only reduces the stress level in your child's life; it's ultimately better for learning.

7. Choose age-appropriate family activities that connect rather than over-stimulate.

Too often, we as parents forget what really nourishes our child's soul. For instance, children need desperately to spend more time in nature, which calms their physiology and grounds them. Young children DON'T need movies, virtually all of which are inappropriate for them. If every other second grader is talking about some new movie, you may well agree to take him, but that’s very different than making movies a routine part of life. Parents often take young kids to movies because the parent finds it easier than taking the child on an adventure, whether that be a hike, bike ride, or museum.

8. Limit Screen Time and Teach Media Literacy.

Research shows that all screen usage contributes to our stress levels.

TV teaches children that the most important things in life are money, appearance and fame, which increases their stress levels. Research shows that TV stifles creativity, lowers self esteem (particularly in girls), and increases violence.

Talk with your kids on an ongoing basis about the media messages that they see. Does this ad make them want to buy that product? What else does it make them feel, and think? (Hint: You and your life are inadequate without this product, which will make you beautiful, popular, and talented.)

Research shows that even when we don't think we're influenced by advertising -- and most people say they aren't -- we are very likely to act on the ad's message. That's scary, but what's really scary is that corporations spend billions to target our kids, who are even easier prey than we are. Even when we don't act on advertising messages, we unconsciously respond to the message that we aren't good enough the way we are. Children, whose brains function differently than adult brains, are more susceptible to those messages.

But the stress comes from more than advertising. Studies show that adults and children who watch TV news believe the world is a more dangerous place than it actually is. Seeing TV news increases stress levels, causes nightmares, and makes kids more anxious. You might still choose to watch the news, but that doesn't make it appropriate for children. Kids under the age of ten are not ready to see in technicolor all the terrible things that happen in the world. Reading the newspaper together is fine, because it isn't as visceral, and you can help with the interpretation, unlike the unmediated sensationalism of the news. Even middle schoolers need your help to be savvy media interpreters.

What about just playing computer games or XBox? Games are designed to be addictive. They change the the brain develops. Research shows that many children cannot handle ipad usage without meltdowns, difficulty transitioning, and need for constant stimulation. If you're struggling with screens with your child, check out Dr. Victoria Dunckley's book Reset Your Child's Brain .

9. Keep phones from becoming yet another stress.

Most adults admit that being at the mercy of the incoming texts on their phone increases their stress level, and research bears this out. If your child has his or her own phone, be sure that it gets parked in the charging station at the front door for most of the time that your child is home, including meals, homework, and after dinner. Kids need explicit direction that phones are a convenience for THEM, and that texts and calls don't have to be answered immediately.

10. Protect sleep.

Many children and virtually all teens are chronically sleep-deprived, which reduces their ability to cope with the normal stresses of life. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings but:

If you have to wake your child in the morning, she's not getting enough sleep.

Really. Start moving bedtime back by 15 minutes every night until you find the sweet spot where your child wakes up on her own, refreshed and cheerful.

11. Check your own attitude.

If you're running around stressed out all the time, bemoaning how busy you are, what are you modeling for your child? That she's not good enough unless she's over-extended? Stress is not inevitable; it's a choice.

Notice also what you're modeling and discussing with your child about values, choices, and the meaning of life. Is life about working more to buy more things? Competing to be "the best"? Are you giving your teen the message that if she doesn't get into the right college, her life is over? Does your child feel like she has to achieve to be worthy of your love, or is she more than enough, exactly as she is? (Contrary to popular opinion, kids are more self-motivated when they feel unconditionally loved.)

Finally, notice that your stress has a huge impact on your child. When you get huffy, your child gets stressed. All of us will lose it if we get pushed to the edge. Our responsibility as grownups is to stay away from the edge.

12. Stay Connected.

Most of us take for granted that kids would rather be with other kids. But when children are asked, they invariably say they wish their parents wanted to spend more time with them. Yes, even preteens and teens like to know you're there, available, if they need you. Think of this as an insurance policy for your child. Your very presence helps him feel secure and melts away the stress.

Finally, the most important factor in protecting your child or teen from stress may be the delight you take in him, and the closeness of your connection. If you're too stressed to feel that delight, why not give yourself whatever support you need, to rediscover it?

Obedience: Why Do You Have To Tell Them Five Times?

Thu, 02 Sep 2021 12:16:03 GMT

"In one fairly typical encounter, a father asked his eight-year-old son five times to please go take a bath or a shower. After the fifth plea went unheeded, the father picked the boy up and carried him into the bathroom. A few minutes later, the kid, still unwashed, wandered into another room to play a video game."

-Elizabeth Kolbert

his situation may be extreme, but most parents I know have some version of this complaint. It's a good question: Why don't kids just do what we say the first time we say it?! And there's a good answer. Several, in fact. Here are eight reasons from the child's perspective -- plus solutions that work for parents!

1. They don't share our priorities.

No child understands why a bath is so essential. And every child has something else he's in the middle of doing, that seems more important to him. It may not look important to you, but a child's play is his work -- that's how young humans learn. That's a good thing--you want a child who's self-motivated, rather than expecting you to entertain him.

Solution:

First, connect with your child by noticing what he's working on and acknowledging his priorities:

"Wow, look at this elaborate structure you're building! Can you show me how it works?"

Then, give him a warning that you're about to overrule his agenda with your own:

"Liam, it's bath time. Do you want to take your bath now, or in five minutes? Ok, five minutes with no fuss? Ok, that's a deal -- let's shake on it!"

2. We've trained them not to pay attention until we yell and threaten.

Your child is no dummy. She knows she can milk extra time before bath if she just ignores you. That doesn't make her bad, just human. So if your child is like the eight year old who ignored five requests, it means you've trained her that you aren't serious until you yell.

Solution:

Instead of giving directives from across the room, move in close to your child and touch her. Connect by commenting on what she's doing. Then say:

"Excuse me, Isabel....I need to tell you something,"

and wait until she looks you in the eye. If she's staring at a screen, warn her that you're going to pause the game or the TV. Don't give your directive until you make eye contact, so she knows you're serious. If she's glazed over from watching a screen, ask her to repeat back to you what you've said. Give only one warning, then stick to the time limit you've agreed on. Follow through. If you don't, you're training her not to take your requests seriously.

3. They need our help to make the transition.

When you're engrossed in your computer screen, don't you find it hard to pull yourself away to tend to a whining child? Kids experience our repeated nagging the same way we experience their whining. That means they try to tune it out.

Solution:

Give one warning. When you go back in five minutes, connect again by commenting on his play: "Wow, look at those trains go!" Remind him of your deal:

"Ok, Noah, it's been five minutes. Remember our deal? Five minutes and no fuss. It's bath time now."

Then, create a bridge from his play to what you're asking:

"Do you want the two engines to leap off the track and race all the way to the bathroom? Here, I'll take this one and you take that one; Let's zoom!"

4. Their frontal cortex is still developing

Their frontal cortex is still developing the ability to switch gears from what they want to what you want. Every time you set a limit that requires your child to give up what she wants in order to do what you want, she has to make a choice. When she decides that her relationship with you is more important than what she wants at this moment, she follows your request. Every time she does that, she's strengthening the neural pathways in her brain that help her redirect herself toward a higher goal. That's how kids develop self-discipline.

But this only works if your child switches gears somewhat willingly. If you drag her kicking and screaming, she's resisting, rather than choosing. She's not building those self-discipline neural pathways. (That's why there's a "self" in "self-discipline. It's chosen from inside.)

Solution:

Set limits with empathy so she WANTS to cooperate, and gets plenty of practice exercising her brain to choose the higher goal.

5. They don't feel heard, and they do feel pushed around.

We can't MAKE children obey, unless we're willing to hurt their bodies and break their spirits. They have to WANT to cooperate. Luckily, our kids usually give us the benefit of the doubt and follow our rules, as long as they feel heard and like they have at least a little bit of control or choice.

Solution:

Acknowledge his perspective. If possible, give him a choice.

"I hear you. You're saying it loud and clear-- NO BATH! You really don't want to take a bath. I bet when you're older you'll NEVER take a bath, right?.... And tonight you do need to get clean in the water. You have a choice. You can choose a bath or a shower or a sponge bath. Which sounds like the most fun?"

Sometimes, hearing your child's perspective might even convince you to compromise or change your position. That's fine. Just explain your reasoning, so your child knows that it was his win/win solution that changed your mind, not his obstinacy.

6. They feel disconnected from us.

When kids don't follow our lead, it's often because they feel disconnected from us. Why on earth would your child feel disconnected? Because he was away from you all day. Or you lost your temper at him this morning. Or he's angry at you because you always have the baby on your lap. Or you rely on timeouts and consequences for discipline, instead of connection. Or maybe just because he's a little person in a big world, and that gets scary, and all those scary feelings get pushed down inside, where they block the child's ability to lovingly connect.

Solution:

Constantly rebuild connection by empathizing with your child's experience, both when you're giving a directive and as often as you can all day long. Be prepared for any upset feelings to surface once your child feels that warm connection more strongly, because that makes your child feel safer. Stay compassionate through the resulting meltdown. After he's had a chance to "show" you the upset that's been weighing on him, your child will feel re-connected and more cooperative.

7. They've given up on us.

Children naturally look to their parents for nurturing and guidance. If they're convinced that we're on their side, they want to please us. So if your child is defiant, or you keep finding yourself in power struggles, that's a red flag that your relationship needs strengthening.

Solution:

Half an hour of Special Time , one-on-one, daily. This seems so simple that most parents under-estimate the impact. But I have never seen special time fail to strengthen the parent-child relationship, which always helps children want to cooperate more. (Special Time also helps your child work through whatever issues they're grappling with at the moment, so it makes children happier and emotionally healthier.)

Laughter also bonds you with your child, and roughhousing is usually the easiest way to get laughter going. Every child needs belly laughs and giggling both morning and evening to stay connected. When a relationship feels tense, laughter is often the easiest way back to connection.

8. They're human.

Force creates push-back. All humans resist control, and kids are no different. When kids feel "pushed around" the strong-willed kids will rebel, and the more compliant kids will lose initiative and the ability to stand up for themselves.

Solution:

Choose your battles. Make sure your child knows you're on her side and she has some choices. Coach your child rather than trying to control her. Listening to your child raises a person who can think for herself, stand up for what's right, and isn't likely to be taken advantage of.

Discussions about whether kids are spoiled always indict parents for raising kids who aren't obedient, as if obedience is the holy grail to which parents should aspire. But don't you want to raise a child who's self-disciplined and WANTS to cooperate? That's very different from obedience, where the discipline comes from outside the child. As H.L. Mencken said,

"Morality is doing what's right no matter what you're told. Obedience is doing what you're told no matter what's right."

The quote that opens this post is taken from an article that doesn't mention any of these reasons why kids don't do what they're told. Instead, the author says that kids ignore parents because "Parents want their kids’ approval" and "worry that we're going to damage... kids by frustrating them." This accusation surfaces in every discussion alleging that kids today are spoiled. But I just don't buy it. The man who picked his eight year old up and put him in the bathroom wasn't afraid to set a limit because he wanted his son's approval. It looks to me like his son didn't follow his directives because the dad didn't follow through on his limit. He had trained his child to ignore him. And he most likely finished the evening with shouting or smacking, which decrease the child's respect and connection, and therefore decrease future cooperation.

Does setting empathic limits sound like a lot of work? It is, in the beginning. It would certainly be easier if kids would immediately comply with our every directive with no questions asked. But the good news is that following these practices consistently not only raises a self-disciplined child, it raises a child who knows you'll follow through, so he doesn't need to be asked five times to do something. Which makes it a whole lot easier to get him into the bathtub.

Original Article: Aha! Parenting

7 Shocking Facts About The Development Of Your Child’s Prefrontal Cortex

Thu, 02 Sep 2021 12:03:05 GMT

Have you heard talk of your child’s prefrontal cortex area of the brain? Maybe you have. Maybe you haven’t, but I’m willing to bet, your child’s prefrontal cortex development has played a roll in some of your frustrations.

Have you wished you didn’t have to repeat yourself so often to your children? Has your child ever walked up to a shelf of books and one by one dropped all the books to the floor? There’s nothing like hearing the sound of the toys you just organized into labeled tubs dumping onto one heaping pile in the playroom! Do you have a child who asks, “Why?” every time you tell them something?

Guess what. Your child’s prefrontal cortex development is likely the reason for these behaviors.

When you learn about the functions of the prefrontal cortex and lack of development in children’s prefrontal cortex, you will better understand your child’s actions and emotions when you understand your child’s prefrontal cortex. As a result, it will become much easier for you to have empathy for your child when their behavior does not meet your expectations. You will understand why it is so important to use positive parenting.

It benefits parents to know what their children are up against in brain development, so you can align your expectations of your child accordingly. I know it changed the legacy of our family!

There is plenty of information out about the child’s prefrontal cortex, but I have carved out the information I believe will benefit your family the most. I will show you the traits that affect the child’s behaviors the most. The traits that children tend to get in trouble for.

Secondly, I even share actions you can take to ensure your child has a prefrontal cortex that thrives. Finally, if you read to the end, you will find a letter to you from your child. Surprise!

What Is The Job Of The Prefrontal Cortex?

The human brain develops from back to front, so the prefrontal cortex develops lastly. This part of the brain manages processes such as:

reasoning
logic
problem-solving
planning
memory
focus and attention
developing and carrying out goals
stopping your impulses
developing your personality

So you can see that if the child’s prefrontal cortex is the last to develop, a lack of these skills could make meeting adult expectations a challenge in some cases.

Yes, it’s that important. The frontal lobe matures in spurts and takes years to develop. Basically, the skills the brain uses to think, learn, read, remember, pay attention, and solve problems.

And get this, the brain is so active in childhood that half of the calories consumed by the average 5-year-old are used to fuel the brain. 90-95% of brain growth happens in the first 5 years. (source)

7 Characteristics of the Development of A Child’s Prefrontal Cortex That Have a Profound Impact on Behavior:

#1. The human prefrontal cortex is not fully developed until around the age of 25!!!

Some researchers go as far as 30. I was so glad to hear this. I’ve always looked for an excuse for my behavior in college! Just saying.

Now take a moment to think back to the last few times you’ve had to correct your child. Think about what the behaviors were. Go back up to the 9 bullets that tell you what the prefrontal cortex plays a role in. Are things starting to make sense?

#2. Children believe that everyone shares their thoughts, beliefs, or feelings.

This is not selfish. Young children are not able to understand the points of view of others. They may realize others’ feelings, but it is a challenge for them to realize what should be done about these feelings. For example, if Dad is upset, his child may give him a pacifier. This cognitive skill is not fully developed until age 11. (source)

#3.

When you ask your child to stop doing what they’re doing and come do something you want them to do, it’s a really big deal for them to stop and come. The child’s prefrontal cortex is still developing the ability to switch from what they want to what you want.

In fact, you are counting on your child wanting to please you in order to follow your request. This is another reason for you to stay connected to your child. The more you are connected in your relationship with your child the more they want to please you.

Every time your child makes the decision to follow your request it strengthens this area of the child’s brain. She has to make the decision on her own to develop self-discipline. If you make her do it or pick her up and move her to where you want her to be, it doesn’t count.

#4.

When children 5 years old and younger encounter a situation, they focus on only one aspect or object . When multiple events or objects of importance become involved, their brains are challenged.

Put on your shoes. Then, get your bag. Then load up in the car.

You may notice that your child does the first step and thinks their done. That’s because they focus on one aspect. You have to scaffold them up to multi-step directions.

Or you may have experienced your child zeroing in on one characteristic of their dad. His glasses. So they’re constantly pulling at his glasses. When the child looks at Dad, their brain zooms in on one aspect or object on Dad. And also, children are very curious!

#5. Children’s thinking is super concrete.

It is not until ages 7-11 that children are even beginning to develop the ability to think logically about concrete events according to Piaget. The expectations should be lower when speaking hypothetically to them.

An example of this, in the beginning stages, a child knows an item such as a couch and ottoman are furniture. To move to a higher level of thinking would be for them to generalize on their own that these items are very useful.

#6. The prefrontal cortex matures lastly.

For this reason, adolescence (10-19) is the easiest time of life to develop an addiction. This is a time when kids start to experiment with things. Though they may believe they’re just going to try something it can become a habit and then an addiction due to lack of logic, reasoning and impulse control.

Explaining and sharing with your kid about the development of a child’s prefrontal cortex may help them think twice about trying things that can become addictive.

And Last But Not Least Teenage Brain Development:

#7. The middle prefrontal cortex RE-DEVELOPS during the teenage years.

WHAT??? What???

Yes! During these years, this area of the brain will re-calibrate and master each of the skills AGAIN. You may notice some of the same behaviors in your child that you experienced with him during the very early years.

You may find that your child goes through stages during the teenage years that he skipped in the early years. Examples: chewing on things, throwing a fit when you say no, clothing issues, eating issues. Yes, this is due to brain development. Listen to a TED Talk about it here.

Ways To Talk To Your Child In Order To Successfully Develop Your Child’s Prefrontal Cortex:

Acknowledge your child’s perspective and empathize. Say: I know it’s hard for you to stop playing and come put on your shoes, but it’s time for us to leave now.
Allow expression. Say: You’re having a hard time this morning. It seems things aren’t going your way and it’s gotten you frustrated. It’s still not OK to yell at us. Tell us you are frustrated, and we will support you.
Listen to your child’s feelings. Say: I can tell you’re mad because you told me that you hate me. You are mad that I said no more cookies. You could say, “I don’t like Mom’s decision.” It’s OK not to like my decision. It’s not OK to yell at me. Those words hurt.
Teach your child problem-solving. Say: You’re disappointed because it’s raining, and we didn’t get to go to the park as planned. How about we think of some alternatives that would be just as fun.
5. Show patience in their moments of struggle. Say: You’re so mad your brother demolished your Lego creation. I understand, and it’s not OK to hit. Tell your brother how you feel.
6. Be there for your child during these moments. Say: You’ve got big emotions. Would you like a hug? I bet a hug would make you feel better. Let Mom hug you and you can cry if you need to.
7. Try to control your “upsetness” when a child is acting like a child. Say: Wow. You’re really feeling silly aren’t you. Silliness is fun. You must want me to play with you. Is that true? How about some roughhousing.

Parental Reminders For When Your Child’s Behavior Starts To Get On Your Nerves

In trying times, repeat to yourself, “His frontal cortex is underdeveloped. His frontal cortex is underdeveloped…”
As Dr. Joseph Chilton Pearce said, “We must be what we want our children to become.” Self-regulation. Get you some.
When your child’s behavior really gets your blood boiling, breathe deeply and remind yourself This is not an emergency.

**Remember you have 18 years with your child. Give yourself and your child grace! Don’t stress if mastery hasn’t happened by kindergarten. And I’m referring to you as well. Our cognitive development is a journey we take with our children.

I could continue, but my objective is not to stress you out. Awareness of your child’s developmental stages, and making a conscious effort to stay in control of your emotions positively affect your child’s development. Dr. Laura Markham says that our #1 responsibility as parents is to pay attention to our emotions, but not to act on them.

A healthy prefrontal cortex that’s integrated with the rest of the brain is a much greater predictor of success in life than IQ. A healthy prefrontal cortex should be high on our wish list for your children. (Source)

Original Post: This-n-That Parenting by Shelly Stasney

When Kids Can’t Have What They Want

Thu, 05 Aug 2021 12:03:38 GMT

“Our 14-month-old, Sam, really gets mad when he can’t do or have something he wants. He’ll hold on tight to an object, and if we take it away, he will try to get it back and fuss a lot. I’m worried about frustrating him too much, but my mother tells me that kids just have to learn that they cannot always get what they want.”

How to respond when the wants of parents and children differ is one of The Big Questions of parenting. Things usually go well when parents and kids want the same things — problems start when they don’t!

On the one hand, high levels of parental tolerance for and gratification of child wants are associated with high levels of child attachment, social competence, positive mood, and self-confidence.

On the other hand, parents have to be in charge. But studies show that a large proportion (sometimes half!) of all parental control behaviors with young children are idiosyncratic and unnecessary. The typical toddler experiences an average of roughly 20 restrictions of his or her wants perhour. How would you feel if someone got in the way of your wishes every three minutes, hour after hour, day by day?

Parental control is generally needed when child pursues a good goal in a bad way. Examples include pursuing pleasure by eating too much candy, or trying to learn about the world by sticking a knife into an electrical socket. The goal is fine, but the methods aren’t so hot.

In these cases, how about offering an alternative way for the child to attain the positive goal? For example, if Sam shouldn’t play with your sunglasses (or camera, electrical cords, bread knife, etc.), you could try to interest him in some other acceptable object or activity: “Uh-oh, not that buzzsaw again, Sam! Come here and see these neat blocks. Let’s make a tower!”

Or you could change just the problematic element(s) in Sam’s activities so that he can keep going safely (or neatly, quietly, etc.) with his basic plan. This could include shifting location (water play outside or in the bathtub), altering some feature of the object (a big plastic spoon instead of a metal one), or providing a new target (whacking something other than baby sister’s head).

Research shows that offering alternatives to young children is likely to reduce both non-compliance and fussing. It also teaches children that their parents (or other caregivers) care about their wants, and that other options are often available.

The most effective approach to alternatives is generally as follows:

Acknowledge that you know what their (problematic) want is. This lets a child know that his or her communication has been received (a good general principle!) and that your alternative doesn’t come out of the blue.
Communicate or do the “control” before offering the alternative (i.e. remove the knife before offering the spoons)
Actively engage the child with the alternative, perhaps by playing with it yourself.

Alternatives will not work every time. Nor it is not always appropriate or possible to give an alternative. Sometimes we are just too tired or otherwise occupied. Depending on the age and developmental level of your child, you may want to really get across some point — especially if the problem is a safety issue — before shifting the child’s attention to something new. And as kids get older, they can, will, and need to take more responsibility for generating their own alternatives.

So even when you try hard to offer alternatives, there will be plenty of little opportunities for Sam to learn that life has its limits and he won’t always get what he wants. But especially in early childhood, the emphasis should be on gratifying child wants (sometimes in an alternative form) and giving children a deep sense of confidence in themselves and the world.

This is an article adapted from the book Mother Nurture (2002) by Rick Hanson, Ph.D., Jan Hanson, M.S. and Ricki Pollycove, M.D.

This post is ordinally by Rick Hanson

Social and Emotional Learning

Thu, 05 Aug 2021 12:00:51 GMT

Strategies for Parents

There are many ways parents can encourage emotionally intelligent behavior in their children. Check out this guide to resources for learning more about character development.

Whether it's called "social and emotional learning" or "emotional intelligence," most people understand it's critical to pay attention to the development of the whole young person, including character education. Parents have a dual role to play in raising a self-aware, respectful child who knows how to manage his or her emotions, make responsible decisions, and resolve conflicts non-violently. At home, you should strive to create an environment of trust, respect, and support. Remember that modeling "emotionally intelligent" behavior at home is the first step in nurturing emotionally intelligent children. At school, you can work with other members of your school community to create a climate that supports social and emotional learning - in and out of the classroom.

Here are some specific steps you can take to nurture an emotionally intelligent child, and additional resources you can use to learn more about social and emotional learning.

Strategies At Home

Be a good listener. Joshua Freedman , Chief Operating Officer at Six Seconds , a nonprofit organization supporting emotional intelligence in families, schools, corporations, and communities, describes listening as a "core competency skill." Unfortunately, it's not always practiced by parents or children. For a list of strategies and activities for building listening skills, read Freedman's article on the subject , one of the many useful parenting resources at KidSource Online .

Model the behavior you seek. Whether it's apologizing when you're in the wrong or treating others with respect and kindness, children learn a great deal about relationships from observing the behavior of their parents. In the words of Maurice Elias, co-author of two books on emotionally intelligent parenting, parents should remember the "24K Golden Rule: We should always think about the impact of our actions on kids, and be as particular in what we do with our kids as we would want others to be with our kids." Check out an Edutopia interview with Elias about the role of social and emotional learning at home , as well as a video of him talking about why SEL should be an integral part of academic life . Elias is also a regular blogger for Edutopia on the topic of social and emotional learning .

Nurture your child's self-esteem. A child with a good sense of self is happier, more well-adjusted, and does better in school. Strategies for fostering self-esteem include giving your child responsibilities, allowing her to make age-appropriate choices, and showing your appreciation for a job well done.

Respect differences. Every child has his or her own unique talents and abilities. Whether in academics, athletics, or interpersonal relationships, resist the urge to compare your child to friends or siblings. Instead, honor your child's accomplishments and provide support and encouragement for the inevitable challenges he faces.

Take advantage of support services. Seek the advice and support of school counselors or other social services during times of family crisis, such as a divorce or the death of a close friend or family member. Remember that no matter how close you are to your child, she may be more comfortable discussing a troubling family situation with another trusted adult.

Strategies At School

Investigate your school's efforts to support social and emotional learning. Keep in mind that programs take on many forms and are called by many different names, including character education, leadership, conflict resolution, or peer mediation. Author Elias has identified four ideal components of a school's social emotional learning program: a specific program to support social-emotional learning, problem-prevention and health promotion activities, support services to address transitions, crises, and conflicts, and a commitment to community service. Ask your child, his teacher, and your school principal about activities and programs in each of these key areas.

Organize guest speakers. Work with your school's parent organization to identify experts within your community who can speak to parents and teachers about strategies for nurturing emotionally intelligent children.

Get involved. Consider volunteering for a school or school district committee responsible for overseeing the implementation of programs to support social and emotional learning. Note: At a district level, these programs are often (though not always) part of a safety or violence prevention department.

Celebrate diversity. Work with other parents and school staff to organize programs and events to celebrate and honor the many cultures in your school community.

Begin the discussion. If your school does not have any programs around social and emotional learning, work with others in your school and larger community to create what Linda Lantieri , co-founder of the Resolving Conflict Creatively Program , director of The Inner Resilience Program , and a consultant for the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning calls a "web of support." Bring together leaders from throughout your community -- businesspeople and law enforcement, parents and educators -- to discuss ways in which your community can make the emotional health and wellness of children a priority.

Additional Resources to Learn More

Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL): Ideas and Tools for Working With Parents and Families . This comprehensive PDF from CASEL’s website offers specific tips for what parents can do to support social and emotional learning at home. The packet includes background information about SEL, interviews with parents, and lists of SEL books, organizations, and programs.

Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning (CSEFEL): Family Tools . This collaborative project based at Vanderbilt University offers a series of guides for parents of young children on how to help their child identify his or her emotions, build relationships, communicate effectively, and much more.

The Center for Social and Character Development at Rutgers University features a parent resource page full of links to newsletters, publications, activities, multimedia presentations, and nonprofit organizations that have conducted in-depth research on social and emotional learning.

The EQ for Families curriculum provides a toolkit for putting on four workshops for parents and caregivers to create more emotionally intelligent families. You’ll find the toolkit, as well as many other useful EI resources, at the Six Seconds website.

Parent Effectiveness Training: The Proven Program for Raising Responsible Children , by Thomas Gordon, offers time-tested lessons and strategies. You'll find information about this book and other useful resources at the Gordon Training International website.

Building Emotional Intelligence: Techniques to Cultivate Inner Strength in Children (Sounds True, Inc.: 2008). Social and emotional learning expert Linda Lantieri and Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL) co-founder Daniel Goleman combine forces in this step-by-step guide to helping children calm their minds and bodies as well as manage their emotions. The guide is accompanied by an audio CD of practices led by Daniel Goleman.

Emotionally Intelligent Parenting: How to raise a self-disciplined, responsible, socially skilled child (Three Rivers Press: 1999), and Raising Emotionally Intelligent Teenagers: Parenting with love, laughter, and limits (Harmony Books: 2000), are two excellent books by Maurice Elias, Steven E. Tobias, and Brian S. Friedlander.

Educating Minds and Hearts: Social Emotional Learning and the Passage into Adolescence (Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development: 1999). This anthology, edited by Jonathan Cohen, features articles by many experts in social and emotional learning and includes useful strategies for all stakeholders interested in promoting emotional intelligence in our schools.

Original Post by Edutopia

Hantering van groepsdruk

Wed, 07 Jul 2021 12:04:18 GMT

Groepsdruk geskied dikwels as gevolg van ons behoefte om te kan behoort of om uitsluiting te vermy. As mense voel ons ook veilig wanneer ons ‘n gesonde konneksie met die belangrikste mense in ons lewens het en kan handhaaf. Soms kan die behoefte om iewers in te pas en aanvaar te word so groot wees in ons kinders dat hulle sal besluite maak wat nie noodwendig die regte besluit vir hulle is nie.

Een van die maniere hoe ons, ons kinders kan beskerm teen groepsdruk is deur vir hulle die geleentheid te skep om te eksperimenteer met hul eie gedagtes, vermoëns en opinies tydens hul interaksie met ons as ouers.

Moedig jou kind ook aan om bewus te raak van hoe hy/sy voel rondom sy/haar vriende. Bespreek die goeie kwaliteite wat maats uit hul uitbring, wat hul laat goed voel wanneer hul by hul maats is, wat hul laat onseker voel en wat hul laat angstig voel. Moedig jou kind aan om bewus te raak van hul innerlike stem, hul instink, wat dikwels die bron is van al die kennis, wysheid en ervaring wat hul al opgebou het saam met jou as ouer. Moedig jou kind aan om braaf genoeg te wees om na hierdie innerlike stem te luister.

Ons as ouers kan hierdie innerlike stem of interne dialoog van ons kinders ontwikkel deur seker te maak dat ons altyd ‘n gesonde, liefdevolle en veilige konneksie met ons kinders behou. Hierdie konneksie skep vir ons kinders die geleentheid om te voel dat hul enigiets met ons kan deel of bespreek. Hoe meer ons, ons kinders toelaat om hul eie emosies en gevoelens in ‘n veilige spasie te ondersoek, met ons as ouers aan hul sy, hoe beter ontwikkel hul vermoë om dit ook op hul eie te kan doen.

Challenges kids face (WHICH PARENTS CREATE)

Wed, 07 Jul 2021 12:04:16 GMT

We all know that our children are growing up in totally different circumstances and with these new circumstances comes opportunities to deprive our kids of the fundamentals of a healthy childhood. Some of these important fundamental elements include:

Parents who are emotionally available;
Clearly defined limits, guidance and boundaries;
Opportunities to take emotional responsibility;
Healthy nutrition and sleep routines;
Enough daily exercise;
Situations where creative play is encouraged;
Enough age-appropriate responsibilities.

Instead of providing children with adequate opportunities to incorporate a healthy balance of the aforementioned circumstances into their lives, we often substitute these with:

Parents who are distracted;
Parents who indulge their kids and allow them to “rule the household’;
Ineffective sleep routines;
Unbalanced nutrition;
An indoor lifestyle;
Technological stimulation;

With these substitutes we make it difficult to raise a healthy generation. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts to parenting. Sometimes we as parents need to go back to basics. Allow your kids to be bored, these are the times that allow for creative development. Stop feeling responsible for your child’s moments of broadness and learn to say “NO” again. Remember, we as parents ultimately lead by the example we set. Start modelling the behaviour you wish to see in your child instead of just demanding them to adhere to a set of rules and standards which they might have never seen before.

Een sin kan baie probleme veroorsaak vir kinders…

Wed, 07 Jul 2021 12:04:15 GMT

Jy laat mamma bekommerd voel”, “Jy maak mamma so kwaad”, “Jy maak pappa se hart seer”, “Jy maak my mal”. Die sin “Jy maak my…” kan ‘n negatiewe langtermyn effek op jou kind hê. Dit is nie die verantwoordelikheid van ons kinders om in beheer te wees van ons as ouers se emosies nie. Elkeen van ons voel dit wat ons voel as gevolg van ons eie ervaringe en interpretasies daarvan.

Ons het nie die reg om die blaam vir enige van ons emosies op ons kinders te plaas nie. Stellings soos die voorgenoemde stel ons in elk geval nie in staat om die uitkoms te kry wat ons verwag wanneer ons gekonfronteer word met ons kinders se uitdagende gedrag nie.

Dit is egter belangrik dat ons nie toelaat dat ons die gedrag van ons kinders interafhanklik hou van ons gevoelens nie. Ons as ouers moet aan ons kinders wys dat maak nie saak wat om ons gebeur nie, ons is verantwoordelik vir ons emosies en werk daaraan om maniere te vind om dit te hanteer. Help eerder jou kind om die fisiese gevolge van hul aksies te kan identifiseer asook die emosionele las wat hul op ander kan plaas sonder om die emosie as ouer aan te neem.

Die “Jy maak my…” stellings kan tot gevolg hê dat ons kinders later van tyd verantwoordelik voel vir al ons as ouers se emosionele reaksies. Dit kan ook ‘n gewoonte in ons kinders kweek om ons te wil “tevrede stel” net sodat hul verhoed dat ons sekere emosies voel en toon. Die langtermyn effek hiervan kan dan versprei tot ander mense en kan ons kinders opeindig as “pleasers”. Dit sluit aan by die bekende stelling wat lui: “People pleasers often start out as child parent pleasers”.

What Does An Emotionally Intelligent Conversation Look Like?

Thu, 20 May 2021 09:53:24 GMT

What does the typical conversations you have with your child look like? Are you making use of the benefits of emotionally intelligence when having these conversations? Let’s tale a look at an example of a typical emotionally intelligent conversation initiated by an emotionally intelligent patent.

Example Of A Conversation Initiated By An Emotionally Intelligent Parent:

PARENT: Hi son, tell me about your day at school?

CHILD: It was not a good day dad.

PARENT: What made it “not a good day”?

CHILD: There were a lot of mean kids today.

PARENT: What do these kids do that make you think they are mean?

CHILD: They pick on me.

PARENT: That probably didn’t make you feel good.

CHILD: Yes.

PARENT: Tell me what they did.

CHILD: They called me silly names and made fun of my nose.

PARENT: I am sorry to hear that, how did that make you feel?

CHILD: I don’t know, but two of these kids are in my class and I want to switch classes

PARENT: It sounds as if you might be scared of them, are you?

CHILD: Yes, I am.

PARENT: I am glad you told me. Do you think they know how you feel?

CHILD: I don’t know.

PARENT: What did you do when they made fun of you?

CHILD: I just went and sat with some other friends of mine.

PARENT: Did that help to make you feel safer? And what did the mean kids do then?

CHILD: They laughed at me until the other kids told them to stop.

PARENT: That probably didn’t feel good either, how did you feel when that happened?

CHILD: I felt sad.

PARENT: What happened when you got back to class?

CHILD: They called me a baby for hiding behind the other kids.

PARENT: I am sorry that happened to you. I understand now why you said your day at school wasn’t good. Let’s talk about things you can try and do the next time something like this happens.

Write a dialogue of your typical conversation between you and your child and compare it to the typical emotionally intelligent conversation between a parent and child.

Your Child Can Communicate With EQ

Thu, 20 May 2021 09:44:25 GMT

Logic forms an essential part of successful communication and especially conflict resolution.

It is however important to remember that emotions cannot be ignored when it comes to effective communication. Research indicates that suppressing emotions or in certain situations deciding not to say something when you feel upset can lead to negative results. Some of these results include poor memory, difficult in relationships and physiological effects. It is thus important to teach kids from a young age how to appropriately communicate what they feel and how to have emotionally intelligent conversations in general. Start encouraging your child to form the basis of emotionally effective conversations by teaching them the skill of showing interest in others. Help your child formulate questions which they can use when communicating with friends which can show that they are not only interested in talking about themselves but that they also show interest in the other party and make them feel valued or appreciated. Effective emotionally intelligent conversations include being able to:

Confirm your understanding during a conversation;
Being able to notice and take into account non-verbal gestures;
Being able to reframe things in a more positive light;
The ability to offer assistance or suggestions instead of criticism;
Avoid blaming others

Remember: Your child will learn valuable skills in communicating with emotional intelligence if you as a parent are able to communicate with them and others in this way.

Questions To Help You Reflect On Your Child’s Social Skills

Tue, 04 May 2021 13:44:11 GMT

People with emotional intelligence often draw from their social skills in order to ensure that they interact well with others. Emotional understanding is not just about understanding your own emotions but also the emotions, perceptions and viewpoints of others. Being able to build connections with others can benefit us in our professional and personal lives. Essential social skills include effective listening skills, effective communications skills (verbal & non-verbal), leadership skills, negotiations skills, conflict management skills, persuasion skills and many more.

Some of the most important social skills which your child will need includes:

Being able to follow rules;

How are you currently encouraging your child to do this?

Being respectful toward differences in others;
How are you currently encouraging your child to do this?
Being responsible with their behaviour;
How are you currently encouraging your child to do this?
Being able to practice active listening;
How are you currently encouraging your child to do this?
Being able to remain calm when interacting with others;
How are you currently encouraging your child to do this?
Being able to ask for help/assistance;
How are you currently encouraging your child to do this?

Are You a Self-Aware Parent?

Tue, 04 May 2021 13:36:10 GMT

The basics of Self-awareness and self-reflection can be taught to kids by making them aware of cognitive expressions (e.g. what is causing me to have these thoughts?), emotional expressions (e.g. what is causing me to feel this way?) and behavioural expressions (e.g. How does these thoughts and feelings affect my behaviour?). As a parent the example we set often far outweigh the words we speak. Reflect on the questions hereunder and establish whether you as a parent have good self-awareness.

Let’s Reflect On Your Self-Awareness As A Parent:

Fill in the blank spaces:

I WOULD DESCRIBE MY PARENTING STYLE AS...
I NEED TO BE A MORE...
I WISH MY CHILD COULD KNOW...
I WISH MY CHILD COULD STOP...
I THINK MY CHILD STILL STRUGGLES WITH...
I FEEL PROUD OF MY CHILD WHEN...
MY CHILD EASILY GETS EMOTIONALLY OVERWHELMED WHEN...
MY CHILD’S BIGGEST STRENGHTS ARE...
MY CHILD LIKES...
MY CHILD DISLIKES...
I WANT MY CHILD TO REMEMBER THAT...
I STILL WANT TO TEACH MY CHILD TO...
THE MOST CHALLENGING EMOTION WHICH MY CHILD OFTEN FEEL IS...

How Motivated Are You As A Parent?

Thu, 22 Apr 2021 11:23:40 GMT

People with high levels of emotional intelligence also have a high level of intrinsic motivation. This means that they are not dependent on material things such as fame, money or status to keep them motivated. These individuals have the ability to allow their passions and goals to fulfil their motivational needs. They draw their motivational energy from internal rewards. People with the ability to focus on and draw from intrinsic motivational elements continuously focus on improving themselves and creating the best version of themselves.

Ask Yourself As A Parent The Following Questions:

How often to you engage in activities which helps your child discover non-material things which can help them feel motivated?
What are the typical things that currently helps to keep your child motivated? How many of these things are intrinsic?
What example do you set in terms of perusing your own goals and dreams?

Optimistic parents have the ability to create an emotional climate in their households which allows for children to comfortably communicate their needs and emotions.

How Do You Currently Address Your Child’s Emotional Needs?

Thu, 22 Apr 2021 11:19:54 GMT

As parents, we are the most important individuals with whom our child will form an attachment bond. All of their future relationships will draw from the experience they gathered through their relationships with their primary caretakers. Is the current relationship your child has with you setting them up for success in future relationships? The questions hereunder can help you in the process of evaluating the relationship and attachment bond which you currently have with your child

Complete The Following Sentences In Order To Evaluate How You Currently Address Your Child’s Emotional Needs:

(After completing this exercise, consider whether you were able to answer the questions easily and with certainty or whether you were unsure of whether the need is in actual fact being fulfilled in your child’s life)

My child feels accepted because I...
My Child feels valued because I...
My child feels cared for because I...
My child knows I will forgive him/her because...
My child feels unconditionally loved because...
My child feels safe because...
My child feels supported because...
My child feels trusted because...
My child knows he/she is taken into consideration because...
My child know I believe in his/her abilities because...

Help Your Child Develop Empathy

Fri, 09 Apr 2021 10:55:54 GMT

Empathy allows us to put ourselves in the shoes of another person. Being able to understand how others feel is a critical part of emotional intelligence. Empathy is not just about being able to recognise the emotions of others, it is also about being able to understand what the person is going though and being able to adapt your responses in such a way that you do not make matters worse for the person feeling emotionally overwhelmed. Empathy is a complex skill to develop. When you are able to make use of this skill, it basically means that:

You understand that you are a separate individual from the other person;
You understand that others have different thoughts, feelings and opinions and experience all these elements in a different way;
You are able to recognise general or common feelings which most people regularly experience (e.g. happy, sad, disappointed);
You can look at a specific situation and truly imagine how a person is feeling in that moment;
You can recognise the appropriate responses in a particular situation (e.g. offering comfort etc.)

Remember to show empathy to your own child. Establishing a strong, secure and loving relationship with your child plays a big role in developing their empathy. When a child feels accepted and understood by his/her parents they are more likely to accept and understand other people or empathise with them.

Talk about the feelings of other people. Point out situation or examples to your child in which other people has to deal with certain emotions. As they get older you can help them learn more skills with regards to how they can comfort others or offer assistance.

Validate your child’s feelings. It is often the first instinct of a parent to help a child feel better or to rescue them from having to feel certain feelings. It is however important to remember that overwhelming feelings is part of life. We need to allow kids to experience these emotions and help them believe in their abilities to overcome them and regulate their responses thereto. These types of responses can also help kids in to be able to empathise with others when feeling strong and overwhelming feelings.

Help them understand the meaning of “I am sorry”. It contributes nothing to learning the skill of empathy if we continuously force our kids to say “I am Sorry”. We need to enable them to understand the concept and the meaning of saying sorry before we can expect them to use the term appropriately. This will ask of you as a parent to help your child understand the effect of their actions and by pointing out the feelings of others involved.

Be Patient. Empathy skills does not develop overnight . It is a complex skill which will develop over the course of your child’s life.

Help Your Child To Stay Motivated

Fri, 09 Apr 2021 10:46:19 GMT

People with high levels of emotional intelligence also has a high level of intrinsic motivation.

This means that they are not dependent on material things such as fame, money or status to keep them motivated. These individuals have the ability to allow their passions and goals to fulfil their motivational needs. They draw their motivational energy from internal rewards. People with the ability to focus on and draw from intrinsic motivational elements continuously focus on improving themselves and creating the best version of themselves.

Remember the following:

Teach your child to set goals . When doing this, teach them more about long term and short-term goals and help them set attainable goals. Help them figure out a strategy or plan on how they will go about reaching their goals;
Celebrate accomplishments. Remember to not only celebrate big accomplishments but celebrate small wins as well.
Let them experience healthy competition. Don’t allow your child to focus on the lack of skills or ability in others, rather encourage them to focus on their own strengths and the challenges they still need to overcome or skills they need to learn. Don’t allow them to break others or themselves down when in competition.
Learn about your child’s interests. Allow them to experience the feeling of support by means of showing appreciation and interest in the things they are doing.
Remain optimistic and excite them. Help them change the way they look at challenges and encourage them to see the silver lining and show them that you are excited on their behalf.

Developing Stress Management Skills in Kids

Thu, 25 Mar 2021 10:38:25 GMT

Children will have to face various forms of stress throughout their lives. Teaching them from a young age to cope with these challenges is important. Here on some basic ideas with regards to helping your child develop effective stress management strategies:

Development of positive coping skills: Children need to be taught how to effectively cope with stress, they are not necessarily born with these skills. It is something they learn to do with practice. It’s never too early or too late to start developing healthy coping skills, healthy coping skills can also help improve our kid’s overall resilience.

Competency development (academic, social etc.): Kids need to learn more about their strengths and their ability to expand them. Children do well and make good choices when they have the skills to do so.

Clearly defined expectations: Make sure your household rules, expectations and opportunities as defined appropriately.

Supportive relationships at home and at school: Children need healthy relationships at home and at school.

Opportunities to learn from mistakes in a healthy way: Help your child become aware of the learning opportunities which challenges often hold.

Positive consistent discipline: Stick to your rules and down bend and break them all the time

Appropriate emotional expression skills: Helping kids develop their EQ can help them deal more effectively with emotions which in turn can lead to reduced stress and better overall performance.

Feeling safe (physically & emotionally); Kids need to feel safe and need to know that they have a secure base within their household and their connection with parents.

Healthy diet and exercise routine: We as parents are in charge of the health choices our kids make. Set the example by ensuring that you live a healthy lifestyle as well.

Relaxation time/activities. Make time to just relax.

Let’s look at a few ways to develop self-awareness in kids

Thu, 25 Mar 2021 10:34:23 GMT

Focus on the type of feedback you give:

Often times, a parent’s shy away from giving their kids critical feedback. Some parent’s belief that it will only ruin their child’s level of confidence or harm their self-esteem. It is important that parents give constructive feedback in such a way that their kids will understand that feedback can help them learn more about the situation in which they find themselves and more about themselves. Remember

the following when giving your child feedback:

We all make mistakes and so will your kids . We cannot protect them at the expense of not telling them what they need to hear. If we do not give our kids honest feedback, they can miss out on important learning and growth opportunities. When we go too “easy” on our kids we sometimes take away their responsibilities.

It can place them under the impression that they tried their best and can lead to them feeling powerless and unable to improve.

Be specific in your feedback. With specific feedback, we can help our kids identify what exactly went wrong and what they can do to improve. With specific feedback, we can also teach kids more about the concept of what is

“in their control” and “what is out of their control”

Be specific in your praise. If we only say things to a child such as: “you are so clever, that is why you are doing this so well”, it can cause them to end up in a situation where they fail at something and think that in this instance they were not smart enough. Rather praise specific steps they took or certain aspects of an approach they made use of.

Specific praise can also be aimed at making use of certain life skills such as having shown self-control in a certain situation.

Help your child see the positive in negative situations

We are confronted with negative information on a daily basis. Instead of just taking in this negative information it is important for parents to help their kids look for the good in the bad. By using simple examples, parents can help their kids develop thought patterns aimed at finding the positive side of a negative situation.

Help your child derive meaning from their experiences;

Deriving meaning from experiences will require us to take into consideration elements such as the privilege of being able

to do certain things, thankfulness towards having certain skills and equipment and appreciation for circumstances.

Help your child define their values

When we develop good values in our child from a young age it improves the chances of having a child who will take their

values into consideration when making important choices later in life.

Cultivate thankfulness

Being thankful and appreciative can help us take better care of ourselves, our environment, our emotional needs and relationships.

Learn to grown from pain

Sometimes our greatest lessons in life are learned by changing the way we look at our challenges.

Sometimes our challenges serve us greater than our victories. Help your child discover the important lessons which they can learn from negative or painful situations.

Learn how to lead through serving

Kids need to be taught when to give and when to take. Being able to incorporate serving into our leadership

style can help kids become the kind of leader others will want to follow.

Be curious

As parents, we don’t always have to have all the answers. We don’t have to step in and take control of every situation either.

Sometimes great parenting skills include taking a step back and being curious. This includes allowing your child to fail sometimes,

to observe them and show appreciation for the insight they show in certain situations. It also involves taking a step back and ensuring them that we believe and them and their abilities to do certain things on their own.

‘n Ligtoring–ma

Thu, 04 Mar 2021 11:16:44 GMT

Agtien word is seker vir my een van die mees brose ouderdomme.

Tussen muis en man...

Tussen klein en groot

Tussen bang en vreesloos

Tussen my huis en die wêreld..

Dis my tweede agtiende en ek is alweer besig om te trek. Die wêreld trek aan die een kant en mams trek aan die anderkant.

Dis maar 'n ma-ding.... die trekkery. Jy trek sonder dat jy weet. Net daai laaste bietjie vashou voor die wêreld hom finaal insluk.

Maar ma verloor stadig maar seker teen die wêreld se geroepery.

Sy kop wat draai vir die stad se liggies.

Sy oë wat blink as hy die stuurwiel vashou.

Sy rëelings wat lankal nie meer jou insluit nie.

Musiek wat jou by die deur laat briek trek.

Sy screensaver is 'n beauty met 'n ponytail en lip-ice lippe...

Tussen aansoek vorms van groot universiteite worry ma of hy daarbuite gaan verdwaal.

Die kranse is hoog waar hy wil afspring.

Die berge is hoog wat hy wil uitklim.

Die motors is vinnig wat hy wil ry.

Die plekke is ver waar hy wil gaan woon.

Ek weet ek raak ouer.

Ek weet ek raak wyser.

Van plat op die mat Legos bou, groei ek stadig maar seker langer tot my lyf 'n ligtoring raak...

Want daarbuite vaar binnekort nog een van my skepe...

©Yolande Brittnell-Steyn

www.sitaandieketel.co.za

The Power of Play

Thu, 18 Feb 2021 10:00:44 GMT

Playing, and with playing I refer to the old fashioned way, is a lifelong skill which contributes to building and satisfying curiosity. It broadens the way a child thinks and reduces stress as well as boosts energy levels. Children have an innate desire to play and a sense of play.

Play develops, amongst others, communication skills, relationship skills and facilitates cognitive development. Children who had a father play with them were found to have greater levels of imagination as well as cognitive ability compared to children whose dad’s did not play with them. Children whose mothers played with them developed a more secure attachment to their mothers and enjoyed more positive development in comparison to children whose mothers did not play with them. Older children who played with their parents were more engaged in other activities, experienced more positive school engagement, had more positive mental health, stronger friendship networks and also enjoyed greater family closeness as opposed to children without playful parents.

Do you still prioritise playtime in your house?

Cupid sê: Kolskoot!

Thu, 18 Feb 2021 09:50:43 GMT

My huis is altyd vol van liefde. Daarvoor is ek so dankbaar.

Liefde lê sommer en wag vir jou by die voordeur. Ons het mekaar lief en ons wys dit.

Maar onlangs het hier het ‘n

wonderlike,

halsoorkop,

rooiwang, onderste- bo liefde in my huis kom lê-plek maak dat tot my matte skoon uit plek lê.

‘n Warrelwind tiener smoor-verlief-geit het my huis kom okkupeer van hoek tot kant.

Dis mooi.

Chaoties mooi.

Sy lag en giggel deurmekaar. Alles is deurmekaar.

Sy eet met twee vurke en bêre die koffie in die yskas. Haar twee boeties hou die besigheid so onderlangs dop.

Dis mooi, so verskriklik mooi.

Sy dagdroom en luister na love songs op repeat....400 keer oor en oor.

Skielik so uit die bloute het sy iemand se blonde poniestert meisie geword.

Haar groen is gras-groen. Sy sien en praat in oortreffende trap.

Dis ‘n tiener liefde maar sy is mooi.

Haar twee broers stap effens meer wye arms en dring aan op die naam van die “indringer” wat hulle sussie se wange so bloedrooi inkleur.

‘n Ma is ‘n ma is ‘n ma….

Natuurlik wil ek preek. Ek wil wil keer. Ek wil wil voorberei op ‘n hart wat dalk mag seerkry, maar ek sê niks. Niks gaan die lekkerste, mooiste gevoel op aarde neutraliseer nie. Ek het besluit ek hoef ook nie iets te sê nie.

Vir nou is sy verlief en verlore. Kupido se pyl het haar getref.

Ongesiens pak ek kussings, hope kussings.

Alles wat ek kan kry wat sag is.

Haar sagte landing is gereed.

Hoe dit ook al sy, sy gaan moet land. Waar dan nou beter as in haar eie liefhê-huis tussen ma, boeties, honde en die kat.

Tot dan skuif ek maar deurmekaar matte reg en koop elke week ‘n ekstra bak roomys vir die vrieskas.

©Yolande Brittnell-Steyn

www.sitaandieketel.co.za

“It takes a village to raise a child” -‘n Afrika spreekwoord

Mon, 08 Feb 2021 10:42:21 GMT

Die sin het al baie dae dankbaar in my binneste kom vassit.

Daar was dae wat my arms net te kort was om by alles by te kom. Dan was daar dae wat my ma-oë ‘n wegsteek eina mis gekyk het. Soms was my raad heeltemal op en my dagboek tot oorlopens toe vol. Hoe hard ek ook al probeer het, selfs met oë agter my kop en seekat-arms het daar soms iets deurgeglip.

Op die voetpad wat my kinders loop was daar altyd ‘n vangnet. ‘n Vangnet in die vorm van ‘n wonderlike buurvrou, tannie of ‘n juffrou. Was dit partydae nie vir diè engele op die pad nie het my pap op die grond geval. Ek is ewig dankbaar vir my pap-vangers.

Hier is ‘n storie wat ek wil opdra aan elke opvoeder daarbuite wat wegsteek einas kan raaksien, wie se arms lyk soos vangnette en wat tyd maak om ‘n minuut lank stil te staan.

‘n Juffrou vertel:

Een van my klas se kinders stap een oggend by my klas in.

Alles in hom is onderstebo.

Hy stap na my tafel en vertel my dat vandag nie vir hom ‘n goeie dag is nie. Ek vra vir hom of hy ‘n 1 minuut drukkie van my sal aanvaar. Hy het sy skouers opgetrek en gesê: “Seker maar…”

Die drukkie het een voorwaarde gehad. Dit moet 1 miuut lank wees.

Hy het weer sy skouers opgetrek en weer gesê: ”Seker maar…

Die 1 minuut drukkie het begin.

20 sekondes later fluister hy saggies in my oor,“hoekom dan 1 minuut?”

“Sodat my hart met jou hart kan gesels” het ek saggies terug gefluister.

30 sekondes later het ek gevoel hoe sy arms stywer om my vashou.

45 sekondes later het hy sy kop skuins op my skouer laat sak.

Na 1 minuut sê ek,” jy het dit gemaak, 1 minuut is verby”.

Hy het nie beweeg nie.

Nog 10 sekondes later sê ek vir hom dis tyd.

Hy het terug getree my in die oë gekyk en vir my dankie gesê dat my hart vandag met syne gesels het.

Dit kon my kind gewees het. Dit was dalk een van joune.

Dankie buurvrou, tannie of juffrou dat daar van julle is wat met ons kinders se harte praat.

Dankie dat julle soms instaan waar ons ma-oë miskyk… al is dit net vir 70 sekondes

©Yolande Brittnell-Steyn

www.sitaandieketel.co.za

Positive Parenting During Puberty

Thu, 04 Feb 2021 10:50:54 GMT

The following are things that you as a parent can do to help your child during challenging times which they might need to face during this age:

Have more detailed and in-depth conversations with your child, especially regarding accomplishments and challenges;
Try to be involved with your child’s school. Go to the events held at school and meet their teachers;
Discuss peer pressure with your child and the risky behaviour in which friends might want them to get involved. Motivate your child to develop a healthy sense of right and wrong;
Always know your child’s friends and their families;
Discuss goal setting with your child and how to monitor it;
Discuss expected behaviour from your child when no adults are around. Provide your child with reasons for this so that they will also develop a sense of what to do and how to be prepared for certain situations;
Don’t just praise your child without having them think of their accomplishments. Bring an element of responsibility into the way you talk by using statements such as “you must be proud of yourself for such a wonderful achievement?” rather than simply telling them that you are proud of them.
Make sure they know and understand the normal emotional as well as physical changes that puberty might entail;

“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways”

Sigmund Freud

Puberty is now contributing greatly to your child. A child’s thought patterns are now starting to adjust to adulthood. Their brains are allowing them to start thinking about more intangible ideas, which can include topics such as love and the meaning of life. A child’s brain in this age group is becoming more advanced since they can now start coping with more abstract thinking. An 11 year old is mostly able to start understanding hypothetical situations and will start resorting to a more adult way of thinking and expressing themselves.

As children approach their teenage years, the emergence of adolescent egocentricity can mostly be noticed. Accordingly you may notice them struggling with the ability to distinguish between their perception of what other people think of them and what people actually think of them in reality. This phenomenon usually appears at the age of 11-12 but mostly wears off at the age of about 15-16. It may be hard to have a child in the house displaying this behaviour, but rest assured that it can contribute greatly to your child’s personality development. As a parent you should however still be aware of certain problematic behaviour which can arise due to this, such as substance use, eating disorders or impulsivity.

Children in this age group start to have strong emotions. They either like something or completely hate that. They might even start hating school. Help them express their reasons for this and encourage them to identify parts thereof that might still be enjoyable.

Good parenting is necessary throughout all ages of a child, but there are certain parenting skills in this age group to which parents should pay specific attention. Some of these skills include:

Understanding the normal growth and development of your child;
Praise them appropriately;
Show approval and interest as well as support;
Try to attend the events in which your child participate;
Encourage healthy friendships and reasonable independence;
Make listening time a part of your daily interaction and try to show understanding;
Establish realistic rules and enforce them correctly and consistently;
Respect your child’s privacy;
Make sure the behavior you display is in line with what you wish to instill in your child;
Don’t try and be your child’s best friend. Your role is to teach, encourage and be a role model;
Listen to your child’s opinions without interruption or without being judgmental;
Get to know your child’s friends without drawing quick conclusions about them;
Allow your child to make age appropriate choices on their own, like choosing their clothes;
Take responsibility for your child’s sex education;
Remember that you as a parent are their ethical and behavioral role model

Kids & Relaxation

Thu, 04 Feb 2021 10:41:40 GMT

The Cambridge-based Primary Review did some research, which indicated that many school children are suffering from “deep anxiety” and are overwhelmed just like their parents by the instructions, messages, homework and choices thrown at them daily. A child’s fragile and still developing brain is less suited to handling stress and negative emotions especially over long extended periods of time. The importance of teaching relaxation as well as stress management techniques to a child is critical in our current fast paced lives.

There are many ways to teach relaxation skills to a child. Here are some examples:

You can take your child on a “fantasy flight”. Make them lie down somewhere comfortable and close their eyes. Ask them to take deep breaths as they become aware of every part of their body, name certain parts slowly and ask them to remain relaxed.
Tell a story which they are a part of, like walking on a mountain and seeing certain things. Ask them to pretend to hear certain sounds and feel certain objects.
You can have your child sit quietly while taking deep breaths. Make them clinch their fists for 5 second and then completely relax. Make them stiffen their toes for 5 second and then completely relax, do this with different body parts.
Get a blow-up beech ball and practice deep breathing by doing the following with your child:
Place the ball on a table, with you sitting on the one side of the ball and your child on the other.
Take deep breaths and blow the ball towards one another.
Different objects can also be used for this exercise like leaves.
You can also go on a “cloud thoughts” journey with your child. Lie down on the grass and watch the clouds roll by. Ask your child to take deep breaths as they watch the clouds. Tell them that this will last for two or three minutes and everyone must be quiet, afterwards you must share your thoughts about what you saw and thought of. Ask your child to remain aware of how the clouds change shape and float around. After this session you can draw a picture with your child of what you saw and pictures of the different thoughts you had while looking at the clouds.

Kids and Personal Space

Thu, 28 Jan 2021 06:52:39 GMT

It is important to teach children to respect the personal space of others, but also to protect their own.

W hen children feel comfortable with their bodies, understand their bodies and can identify parts of their bodies it will be easier to explain to them about defending and defining their personal space. A child of 5 is already capable of grasping this concept and will also be able to display it.

Teach your child that positive relationships are the result of respecting personal space. Help your child to practice saying “no” to someone who invades their personal space. This is also a great age to start showing your child some of the body language that someone will typically display if you are invading their personal space, so that they will be able to recognise it. Play games with your child in your yard, where he/she has to try and get away from you as you try to invade his/her personal space and reverse the roles.

The concept of “personal space” is a very important social rule. Most children are able to instinctively sense whenever they are entering someone’s personal space and whenever theirs are entered. This however does not come naturally for all children. If your child struggles with identifying when his/her personal space is being invaded, it has the potential to make your child vulnerable to inappropriate conduct or abuse. It is thus important to make sure that your child fully grasps this concept.

Use a rope and make a small circle with it – let your child sit in the circle and explain to your child that people who are close to us, like our family, are people we are comfortable with and our personal space for them is smaller. Make the circle bigger and explain to your child that with strangers and other people the personal space boundaries are bigger. The less we know the person, the bigger our personal space. Start giving your child a “cue word”, like “personal space” whenever he/she gets too close to someone or someone gets too close to them in order to remind them of and enforce what they were taught. Also explain to your child that there are certain situations where someone will end up in their personal space, such as sitting on the bus or standing in a queue at school. Explain that these situations are unique and also allowed.

Kids & Loss

Thu, 28 Jan 2021 06:49:27 GMT

An earthquake of emotions that fractures our emotional landscape does not even come close to explaining what it entails to lose a loved one. Although death is a permanent form of loss, there are other forms of devastating loss. One of the most common forms of loss for children is divorce and moving house. The reason for this is that these are situations where the children have no say and no other choice but to accept. Children however have fewer skills and require more time to adjust to these situations, which makes them more susceptible to experience loss than adults.

There are two sets of distinct skill children must learn in dealing with loss. The first is the ability to understand and have empathy for someone who experienced any form of loss. The second is to deal with experiencing loss themselves.

Whenever you hear about someone your family knows, who might have experienced loss, take the opportunity to discuss it with your child. Help your child understand how devastated that person feels. Explain that the person might be less interested in playing (if it is a child) or might seem more tired than usual. Encourage them to listen whenever a friend wants to talk to them about their loss. Teach your child that this is something which no person must be teased about. Teach your child to respect someone else’s grieving process. Also explain to your child some of the challenges a friend of theirs might face after a loss. Tell them that it is important to support them and love them through the difficult time and to go easy on them.

Loss and learning how to effectively deal with it, can help kids develop essential life skills and develop their emotional intelligence.

Kids & Delayed Gratification

Thu, 10 Dec 2020 10:15:23 GMT

While it is normal for a toddler not to have the ability to resist a treat left available to them it is interesting to note that by four years old 30% of them do. As do most adults. How can this difference be explained? The reason is that the prefrontal cortex has barely started developing in a two year old. It will reach maturity around the age of 25. So the key lies in strengthening the prefrontal cortex through practice. How is this done?

Remember that children can learn anxiety from parents. How do you normally react whenever your child climbs up high into a tree? If you can get yourself to calmly guide your child down the tree in such a way that your child also stays calm, you are busy teaching your child self-control. Situations like these enable a child to create the brain pathways to take her through difficult situations in future. If you anxiously scream at your child and in doing so also make your child feel anxious, in a similar situation, the child might end up feeling incompetent and learns that anxiety cannot be managed. Such a child may learn to rush in and take impulsive action rather than making use of an ability to regulate him/herself to make rational decisions.

Whenever children volunteer to give up something they want in exchange for something they want more, they are building the neural pathways in their frontal cortex associated with self-discipline. This happens only when it is the child’s own goal. However, when a child is forced to do this, such a child is neither taught nor developing self-discipline. When we set a limit that our child accepts, such a child is developing and practicing self-control.

Self-discipline can be described as the ability to manage ourselves in order to reach our goals. The well-known Walter Mischel’s Marshmallow Experiment, was used to test how long a child can resist easting a treat, if it means that child will get two treats if they are able to resist eating the one treat for a certain period of time. In other words he tested the ability of children to have self-discipline to control their impulses in order to meet certain goals. The bad news is that our self-control as a four year old seems to predict the self-discipline we will have later in life. But don’t see the die as already cast at age four. The good news is that our brain is like a muscle, it has the ability to strengthen throughout life. It all depends on how it is trained and used. Parents who set empathic limits, who are emotionally responsive, who model good emotional regulation and encourage their children to pursue their passions, will raise children who are self-disciplined. This can be true regardless of whether a child passed the marshmallow test or not at the age of four.

Kids & Consequences

Thu, 10 Dec 2020 10:15:21 GMT

Creativity can help parents think past the old ways of implementing consequences which do not work. Find consequences that will also reinforce a child’s learning need in the moment.

At the age of three, bad behaviour is mostly unintentional. Children at this age are still like little scientists trying to figure out what the limits are. When it comes to disciplining these children it should be all about creating opportunities for natural learning.

Sometimes failing on its own can be the natural consequence for a child at this age. I would rather have my child fail with certain things at this age and learn from it rather than later in life when they are teenagers. Parents are sometimes too quick to rescue children from suffering certain consequences in order for them to not be in a tough situation. Parents very often fix too many things for children and this causes children to miss out on the opportunity to learn very important coping skills.

Around the age of 5 to 7 children truly start to understand the consequences of their actions. When a 3 year old hits someone with a toy, you might take it away and give them some time out. It certainly will not help much at this age to tell them to think about what they did, but they will think about the fact that you sat them down.

Keep consequences short at this age, it shouldn’t be something that lasts for more than three minutes. Remember that consequences don’t always have to be negative to teach. It is more important to make sure that there is a teaching element in consequences. Allow your child to fix his/her own mistakes and encourage them to do so. Keep in mind that it will probably not be fixed up to your standards as an adult, but encourage them and praise them for their efforts.

One thing that tends to make consequences more effective is consistency. Consequences also work best when they are immediate. Children need to receive immediate feedback for their positive and negative behaviours. Remember that consequences should be used to discipline your child without shaming them.

Start making your child aware of consequences by restructuring the way you communicate certain things to your child like:

If you can’t find your shoes, dad will help you find them, but there will be a finder’s fee.
If you cannot behave well towards your sister, mom will assume that you need some time to think about it and I will send you to another room to sit.
If you fight with your brother, mom will assume that you have nothing better to do and I will give you a chore.
If you keep shouting, or speaking unkindly, you will lose your freedom to speak.
If you do not use your good table manners, mom will ask you to dine somewhere else which might not be this comfortable.
If you keep on tipping your chair back, I will see it as unsafe for you and I will have to ask you to stand through dinner.
If I ask you to clean your room and afterwards see that you still left a lot of things lying around, I will assume that you no longer want them and I will place them in “toy time out” for a week – you will have to work hard to earn them back after a week.

Kids and Conflict

Thu, 10 Dec 2020 10:15:19 GMT

Parents of today are living in very challenging times when it comes to raising their children safe, happy, able to adjust well and to cope with conflict and frustrations effectively. Children need to be taught as young as possible how to deal with conflict effectively and how to prevent themselves from resorting to aggression.

From a young age, we can start teaching kids the simple technique of taking deep breaths to calm down. Don’t always resolve conflict for your child e.g. demanding that they take turns or demanding that they share. The more we do on their behalf in situations like these, the less they will learn themselves. Toddlers learn a lot in situations of conflict where they have to resolve it themselves. As a parent, you can engage in explaining or talking through the situation after they have calmed themselves. Through the process of learning to deal with conflict, it is important that you also instil confidence in your child, don’t break them down when they dealt with a conflict situation badly – point out their mistakes tactfully but put more emphasis on what they did right. When your child is in a conflict situation with another child rather wait before intervening – only when things get out of hand should you intervene. If no one is getting hurt it is healthy for the children to release their feelings.

Our biggest influences when it comes to our ability to resolve conflict comes from our parents. We learnt our skills by observing them in dealing with their own conflicts and in their interaction with us. This became part of our psyche and has the power to overrule whatever we absorb intellectually later in life.

We furthermore develop conflict skills through our early interaction with siblings and peers. Trial and error is a great way to learn and discover how to achieve desired results. Each conflict situation produces many variables. Each individual’s baggage, temperament and perceptions play a role in their conflict resolution skills.

Acknowledge your child’s feelings. No feelings should ever be dismissed? E.g. when your child is upset, don’t just say “calm down, stop screaming/crying”. Rather say. “I can see that you are mad and not feeling well, is there anything else you are feeling as well?”. Brainstorm different conflict resolution methods with your child and sketch different situations with your child. Involve your child in this process by asking him/her to come up with a solution.

Kids and Bullying

Thu, 10 Dec 2020 10:15:18 GMT

I have had many days where my child, only a small toddler then, came home and said “the other children are mean to me” or “I don’t like so and so…because…” It is never a nice thing for a parent to hear that your child might be a little outcast on the playground.

School bullying is a hot topic in the media lately and that is a good thing, it is about time people and especially parents start giving it the attention it deserves. In my opinion, people still seem to forget that bullying is something that already starts happening in a child’s pre-school years. This is a very sad truth. According to Henry D. Schlinger PhD.; Director of the Applied Behaviour Analysis Program at California University, Los Angeles, little kid-bullying (engaging in bullying and being bullied) is surprising to many parents and not noticed as readily as it is in older children. Adults dismiss it mostly as “kids being kids”.

It is thus very important to help children in their pre-school years to already become aware of this phenomenon and to help them develop the tools to deal with bullying from as young as possible.

According to Brenda Nixon, author of the book “The Birth to Five Book”, children don’t have the full cognitive ability to feel empathy yet. So before the age of 3, a child might hurt another child physically or emotionally but doesn’t really understand how it feels to the recipient of his actions. However, after the age of three this all changes. A child’s brain at this age is developed enough to understand another point of view to a certain extent, which makes this the age where premeditated and purposeful acts of aggression can begin to surface.

Teach your child to speak up when someone hurts him/her. If it is someone on the playground, teach your child to loudly say “stop hurting me” in a confident way. Teach your child to recognise signs and symptoms of bully behaviour (this includes being bullied and being a bully.)

There are various reasons why children bully. Sometimes children imitate behaviour which they have seen before, from a sibling, friend or parents. Some children turn to bullying to get attention and some children bully for more complex reasons. Very often teachers and parents take a “wait and see” approach especially when it comes to pre-schoolers. Parents need to pay close attention to how and when to intervene in bullying. In some instances when this is not done, bullying can reach a crisis point where someone really gets hurt. The consequences of this can sometimes cause permanent damage, both physically and emotionally.

Teach your children never to tolerate being forced to feel uncomfortable and hurt. Create an environment where your child knows he/she can tell you anything. Build your child’s confidence and teach him/her not to accept the things a bully might have called him/her – show your child there is no truth in the remarks of a bully. E.g. if your child was called “dumb” by a bully show your child how clever he/she is and that it is not true what the bully said. It is also necessary to show your child that you support them emotionally in situations like these. Ask them if they felt hurt and let them know you are sorry that they had to go through something like this.

Not all conflict behaviour should be defined as bullying. Children are impulsive and will tend to have sudden scuffles, wrestling matches and friendship spats and these will occasionally get out of hand. But the positive side of this is that play-related conflict can make children stronger for they will learn through experience how to adapt in situations like these. This is when they learn how to negotiate and how to forgive.

Bullying is something completely different from what was discussed above. Bullying can undermine a child’s self-esteem, and cause emotional pain and anxiety – even if the bullying is between little children. There is no age where being picked on, being hurt or shunned is acceptable.

Teach your child to resolve problems without resorting to violence. This includes how to ignore the bully and to move away from him or her whilst also to telling the bully to stop. Teach them that there is no shame in retreating from such a situation. Make time to talk to your children so that they can develop healthy communication skills. It is an important skill to develop as young as possible so that your child can learn to always talk to you. It will become very helpful as your child grows older and might end up in more dangerous bullying situations. If they have the confidence to talk to you about such situations it can assist in identifying and stopping bullying behaviour long before it gets out of hand.

How will you know if your child is being bullied? There are certain signs you can watch out for like:

Your child has unexplained bruises or bumps. It is a particularly strong indicator if your child, when questioned about this, says he or she doesn’t know or forgot what happened;
Your child no longer wants to play with a child they once liked;
Your child repeatedly tells you about a particular kid who bothers him/her;
Your child suddenly becomes clingy, fearful or depressed;
Your child complains of stomach aches or headaches, usually before being dropped off at a day care or pre-school.
Your child loved pre-school but suddenly doesn’t want to go anymore.
Your child makes negative remarks about himself, like: “I am dumb” or “I am a loser”.

How can you help your child when they are being bullied? Teach your child that the bullying may sometimes be discouraged by just acting as if the bully doesn’t bother him/her. Some experts believe that if you don’t give a bully any attention at a young age it will eventually stop – older children who are bullies however, still proceed even if ignored. Teach your child to always stick with friends and if he/she doesn’t have any – work on his/her skills to make friends. Be self-confident, tell them to stop? When things are uncomfortable for your child, teach him to tell the teacher at school and to always talk to you about what happened.

Kids and Assertiveness

Thu, 10 Dec 2020 10:15:17 GMT

When my son was 5 years old, he was the sweetest and kindest boy and I was so proud of him. One day when I picked him up from school I noticed how he got into a situation where another boy demanded him to give him his cookies which he immediately gave away. On another occasion, I heard him tell his father that he couldn’t finish painting his picture at school because another boy took all his blue paint. It was then and there that it suddenly struck me. I realised that teaching him to stand up for himself might be more important than teaching him to be easy-going. Unfortunately, there is not one-size-fits all approach and each child needs to be treated according to his personality, specific needs and abilities at that particular age.

"Being assertive helps in virtually every relationship - at school, at home and on the playground," says Stuart Fishoff, PhD, Professor of Psychology at California State University, Los Angles. Being assertive in a classroom, for instance, gives a great advantage to any child. They will be comfortable to demand the teacher’s attention, raise their hand if they have any questions and will also be able to ask for extra help if needed. Assertive children also find it easier to make friends.

Remember to teach your child that there is a difference between being assertive and being aggressive. Bear in mind that some children are just naturally not comfortable to say what they want. They are more shy and passive. Don’t try to override these natural tendencies of your child e.g. don’t push a shy child to fight for the lead role in a play. The basics of being assertive are something every child can learn to do. Just always remember the words of Graeme Hanson, M.D, Clinical Professor of Psychiatry and Paediatrics at the University of California in San Francisco. : "Trying to force a child into a role that's not comfortable for her in order to boost her confidence may have the opposite effect." There are always ways to nurture assertiveness in a child without pushing them beyond their natural abilities and temperament.

Remember to do things with your child that promotes a healthy self-esteem because this helps to promote the ability to be assertive. Don’t label your child when you confront him or her with something they did wrong and teach them not to do this with others either. E.g. rather than saying “you are naughty”, say “you hurt me” or “you are breaking your toy”.

Kids and Anger

Mon, 30 Nov 2020 09:41:19 GMT

Most children lose their temper at times, yell, scream or even want to hit something or someone. Everyone gets angry; when children are treated unfairly, they tend to stand up for themselves by reacting in anger. It is however very important to teach children what to do and what not to do when they are angry. It is okay to get angry, just as long as the anger gets released in appropriate ways. It is important for parents to find ways not to feed into their child’s emotional outbursts.

Start teaching younger children to remove him/herself from the situation and to recognise what it is that sparks their anger. Practise regular relaxation techniques with your child after they felt angry.

Any emotions dealt with inappropriately, especially anger, can have devastating effects. Anger can trigger the fight and flight response of a person. Other emotions that can also trigger this effect, include excitement, fear and anxiety. When this happens, the adrenal glands flood a person’s body with stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenalin. The brain shunts blood away from a person’s gut and directs it towards muscles, which prepares the body for physical exertion. Accordingly, anger affects the whole body. Harm can be caused to many systems of the body because of the constant flood of stress chemicals and associated metabolic changes that goes with recurrent unmanaged anger.

Teenagers are especially prone to dealing with anger ineffectively. If they are not guided towards better anger management, it can become habitual and very deep-rooted behaviour which will be much harder to change later in adulthood.

It is important to know that anger is not always just a bad emotion. Many people consider it to be an inappropriate or all negative emotion and choose to rather suppress it. Bottled up anger tends to turn into depression or anxiety problems more easily. Teach your child to make use of healthy ways to express anger. Healthy ways to deal with anger include:

Recognising and accepting the emotion as normal and a part of life;
Being able to pinpoint the exact cause of feelings of anger.
If you can’t control your anger while in confrontation, rather walk away and continue the confrontation when you have cooled down.
If you know what triggers your anger, make sure you have different strategies on how to address the emotion.
Physical activities can reduce anger. These activities can include going for a run, cycling or playing sports.
Make use of relaxation techniques.
Teach your child how to make use of assertiveness techniques and develop different positive conflict resolution skills.
Motivate your child to exercise regularly. Numerous studies around the world have concluded that regular exercise can reduce stress levels and improve a person’s mood. Physical exertion burns up stress chemicals and it boosts the production of mood-regulating neurotransmitters in the brain.
Encourage open and honest communication within your family.

Anger management is a technique that can be used through which disruptive behaviour can be decreased. Teach your child to put themselves in the other person’s shoes before resorting to anger. Be aware of all your emotional and physical reactions when angered. Various anger management programs monitored their groups and concluded that the participants experienced an overall decrease in alcohol abuse and an improvement in self-esteem. If you can teach your child to manage their emotions, especially their anger, you will contribute greatly to their level of self-confidence and potential success in life.

Kids & a Positive Attitude

Mon, 30 Nov 2020 09:34:46 GMT

Kids need to have a positive view of the future in order to have a “good life”. Researchers at the Search Institute have found that a positive view of one’s future is a protective factor. It is never too early for a child to have a positive view of their future, even if it is just a positive view of what tomorrow will bring.

Never underestimate the value of your own actions. Children will watch and copy what their parent’s do. Constantly review the attitude you have towards life as a parent. Make use of “teachable moments”. These are the small moments in your own life and that of others which you can use to help children see how to overcome adversity and how to remain positive.

A positive attitude can make life more manageable, especially in a world filled with violence, negativity and suffering. A positive attitude and happiness are closely related. It is not always possible to control what happens to us, but it is possible to control how we react to that. When children develop a positive attitude early in life, positive thinking becomes a habit for them which can ease the pressures associated with growing up.

Teach your child to start controlling the thoughts they have and the conversations they have with themselves. Rather than saying “I am no good at this” teach them to be able to say “I might not be good at this yet but luckily there are many other things I am good at”. Start teaching your child that feeling positive or negative about something is their choice. Create more opportunities for your child to do things they are really good at. Having good confidence plays a big role in having a good attitude. You can start keeping a journal with your child of all his/her good accomplishments as well occasions where he/she learned lessons. Encourage them through this to not only see good things and bad things, but rather good things and opportunities through which they can learn a new lesson even though it might seem like something bad that happened.

Helping Small Kids Deal With Big Emotions

Mon, 30 Nov 2020 09:30:57 GMT

Things you can do with your child at home to contribute to their understanding of emotions:

Play role play games. E.g. where you get sad in the game and your child has to comfort you or where you get excited in a game and your child has to learn to be happy with you.
Create tools for your child to support difficult emotions like anger and sadness. E.g. Use a “Time Bottle” (bottle of water and glitter) and give it to your child as a tool. When your child is very angry he or she can take the bottle, after a good shake, and sit somewhere in a quiet space until all the glitter settles down in the bottle. This “time bottle” can be used for different situations where the child needs some time to reflect, calm down or even be calmed. Other coping strategies can include having a break and jumping on the trampoline. Another example is to do something comforting for your child when he/she is sad like him/her going to their “favourite spot” in the house, which you can create in his/her room. I created a “reading corner” in my child’s room. Whenever he needed time alone he adapted the behaviour of going to his “reading corner” and sitting quietly whilst paging through his favourite books or playing with a favourite toy such as building blocks.
Start teaching your child appropriate ways to deal with feelings that are uncomfortable. Children need to be taught that just because they feel angry, they can’t simply break things or hit someone. Instead, they need to learn skills to manage their anger and resolve conflict peacefully. This is often achieved if they can be taught to verbalise their feelings.
Keep on encouraging your child to make use of words to express how they feel. This can also assist them to stand up for themselves without lashing out and retaliating.
It is important to reinforce your child’s positive behaviour with consequences which is also positive. When you find that your child is verbalising his emotions in a certain situation praise their efforts.
Keep on modelling healthy behaviour and emotional reactions as a parent. Verbalise some of your emotions as well to use as an example for your child. E.g. “I am so mad that car almost bumped into us and I really got a fright” take deep breaths and calm down so that your child can see that you deal with your own emotions and feelings. When you get mad as well and shout at the other car, your words afterwards in trying to explain yourself to your child are likely to fall on deaf ears.

Help Your Child Understand Their Feelings

Fri, 13 Nov 2020 09:13:06 GMT

Research confirms the benefits and effectiveness of clear training in emotional intelligence starting at a very young age. Numerous studies found that pre-schoolers who participate in social-emotional skills programs show less aggression and anxiety and become better social problem solvers. Most parents don’t realise that pro-social behaviour in early childhood can be strongly linked with future academic performance as well as mental health. When children can learn from as young as possible to calm themselves and healthily express how they feel, they are busy laying the foundation for future wellness and success.

It is very important to foster your child’s emotional literacy and to teach and encourage your child to understand and express emotions correctly. Start off by teaching your child to name emotions. Empathy can assist in developing overall emotional intelligence. The more you start making your child aware of the feelings of other people, the more likely his/her own natural empathy will be aroused and in turn, the more helpful he/she will want to be.

At the age of 3 a child is beginning to realise that he/she has different emotions and starts to recognise them. Your child still has very little control over them at this age. If your child feels something he will act on it and not always emotionally in the correct manor. Your child doesn’t yet fully grasp the difference between appropriate and inappropriate reactions at the age of three. This can be seen by him/her crying over something they cannot get or snatching toys away from a sibling or friend. This is where your job as a parent comes in. You need to start teaching your child how to interact with others and how to deal with emotions – and if you are already doing so I really want you to be proud of yourself. I have worked with problematic children before and could immediately see the damage done to a child through his/her parent’s neglect in teaching their child important concepts relating to emotions.

It can sometimes be very difficult to teach children how to deal with feelings in the correct manor as well as to understand the feelings of other people. It is one of the six most important life skills that any child can be taught. Kids are less likely to exhibit behaviour problems when they know how to express their feelings in a socially appropriate manor. When a child has the ability to say “I feel tired” or “I am mad at you”, they will be less likely to throw a tantrum or resort to acting out what they feel in inappropriate ways. Start teaching your child as young as possible how to talk about their feelings and teach them healthy ways to deal with and express their feelings.

Teach your child as many “feelings” words as possible. Very young children should be taught words such as mad, sad, scared or happy. Older children can be taught more complex words such as frustrated, nervous or disappointed. Point out the expressions of certain feelings to your child. E.g. when you are watching a story on the television, tell your child “I think that lady is mad now, look at her face”. Create opportunities to talk about feelings and encourage your child to always try and verbalise how they feel. Point out your child’s feelings to them as they are experiencing them. Create this awareness by for instance saying to them things like, “you look very happy that we are going to visit grandma today – are you?”

It is important to raise children to feel safe to express their feelings. This is not just to protect our closeness to our children, as parents, but also to ensure that our children enjoy the most loving and lasting friendships and relationships throughout their lives.

We must consciously raise our children to feel safe and encouraged to express themselves. We must encourage our children not to hit, scream and be destructive, but to express their feelings by talking about it. Whenever your child throws a tantrum, cries or gets furiously mad, try and calm them down as best you can and once they are calm and collected – spend some time to assist them in explaining how exactly they felt at that moment. Express certain of your own feelings to your child and give him/her a chance to help you come up with solutions.

We want our kids to have feelings but to learn how to not get overwhelmed by what they feel. They need to learn to feel dejected or disappointed without giving up. They need to be able to feel exited without becoming impulsive or feel scared but be brave anyway. It is a great necessity to teach our children to regulate their emotions effectively and have emotional control.

Many children get labelled as uncontrolled, difficult, making poor choices and many other things – when it is just a case of such a child feeling overwhelmed by the emotions of a specific moment and struggling to deal with them effectively.

Children need to know that their feelings will be heard which can help them to effectively learn how to regulate their emotions.

From birth, a child’s social and emotional experiences shape how they will handle life. It is true that the things which “shakes” you, can “shape” you. Many brain research studies suggest that emotional memory stored in the brain during the first five year of life is lasting.

Expand on your child’s ability to recognise emotions. Encourage them to explain their emotions and not just identify them. Remember to set an example for your child on how to express emotions.

Gossip and Kids

Fri, 13 Nov 2020 09:07:38 GMT

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” - Frederick Douglass

How do children react on the information they receive from different channels, specifically their own observations vs. testimony especially when these two channels are at odds with each other? An example would be where you meet a new person. Your first impression of this person is that he or she is really nice and you like them. Then someone comes along and tells you what a terrible person this person is – you now find yourself with a conflict between your fist hand observation and a testimony. How do you tend to react?

A study was done on 5 year old children in order to determine how they react in these kinds of situations and why. In this study children received conflicting information on a puppet. The children saw that the puppet had good manners, was helpful and didn’t seem bad at all. They were then told that the puppet was actually very mean and didn’t behave well. This specific study found that the channel of information for these 5 year olds didn’t matter. The children trusted both channels equally it was found that they tend to care more about the negative information than the positive information. The reason for this is that in early ontogeny and phylogeny it is important for survival to avoid adverse things. This for example, refers to the probability that children are more likely to remember (or maybe act on?) things that are negative, such as plants with possible lethal effects. To further compound the situation we tend to keep children safe by pointing out the bad and dangerous things. Try to keep calm when you explain the negative side of things to a child and encourage them.

Giving Kids Critical Feedback

Fri, 30 Oct 2020 09:08:08 GMT

Often times, parent’s shy away from giving their kids critical feedback. Some parent’s belief that it will only ruin their child’s level of confidence or harm their self-esteem. It is important that parents give constructive feedback in such a way that their kids will understand that feedback can help them learn more about the situation in which they find themselves and more about themselves. Remember the following when giving your child feedback:

We all make mistakes and so will your kids. We cannot protect them at the expense of not telling them what they need to hear. If we do not give our kids honest feedback, they can miss out on important learning and growth opportunities. When we go too “easy” on our kids we sometimes take away their responsibilities. It can place them under the impression that the tried their best and can lead to them feeling powerless and unable to improve.

Be specific in your feedback. With specific feedback we can help our kids identify what exactly went wrong and what they can do to improve. With specific feedback we can also teach kids more about the concept of what is “in their control” and “what is out of their control”

Be specific in your praise. If we only say things to a child such as: “you are so clever, that is why you are doing this so well”, it can cause them to end up in a situation where they fail at something and think that in this instance, they were not smart enough. Rather praise specific steps they took or certain aspects of an approach they made use of. Specific praise can also be aimed at making use of certain life skills such as having shown self-control in a certain situation.

Effective emotionally intelligent conversations include being able to

Confirm your understanding during a conversation;
Being able to notice and take into account non-verbal gestures;
Being able to reframe things in a more positive light;
The ability to offer assistance or suggestions instead of criticism;
Avoid blaming others

Remember. Your child will learn valuable skills in communicating with emotional intelligence if you are able to communicate with them and others in this way.

Emosionele Intelligente Leiers Doen Hierdie 6 Dinge

Fri, 16 Oct 2020 08:44:56 GMT

‘n Emosionele intelligente persoon of leier kan sonder moeite onderskei word van iemand wat nie oor hierdie vaardigheid beskik nie. Dit is ook baie opvallend en maklik om raak te sien indien iemand nie oor genoegsame emosionele intelligensie beskik nie.

Emosionele Intelligensie is veral ‘n belangrike vaardigheid vir leiers.

Hier is 5 dinge wat emosionele intelligente leiers doen:

Emosionele intelligente individue verstaan die belangrikheid van effektiewe kommunikasie. Dit beteken ook dat hulle nie afleidings sal maak indien iemand nie oor hierdie vaardighede beskik nie. Een van die frases wat ‘n emosionele intelligente leier gereeld van gebruik maak is die frase: “Vertel vir my meer”. Hulle sal vir ander die geleentheid gee om hulself uit te druk en seker maak dat hulle verstaan wat presies die boodskap is wat die individu aan hulle wil oordra.
Emosionele Intelligente leiers neem unieke verwagtinge in ag . Kommunikasie kan as voorbeeld hier gebruik word. ‘n Emosionele Intelligente leier sal aan ander vra hoe hulle verkies om mee gekommunikeer te word. Indien iemand aandui dat hulle nie van foon oproepe na hul selfoon hou nie en eerder ‘n epos verkies, sal ‘n emosionele intelligente leier die nodige aanpassings maak ten einde te verseker dat hulle effektief op ‘n aanvaarbare wyse kommunikeer.
Dit klink dalk eenvoudig om ‘n doodgewone “dankie” of “ek waardeer jou” aan iemand te sê. Dit is egter iets wat mense maklik vergeet om te doen of te sê. Emosionele intelligente leiers het die vermoë om ander te komplimenteer op hul unieke kwaliteite en om seker te maak die lede van hul span voel dat hul waardeer word.
Emosionele Intelligente leiers sien terugvoer as iets wat van albei kante af kom. Dit is belangrik vir hierdie leiers om ook hul spanlede of ander se insette te hoor en in gedagte te hou. Emosionele Intelligente leiers soek vir geleenthede om die gedagtes en idees van ander in gesprekke in te bring.
Emosionele Intelligente leiers vermy nie moeilike gesprekke nie. Hulle bly egter kalm, neem perspektiewe in ag en tree nie aanvallend op nie. Hulle sal met gemak die frase “ek het ‘n ander perspektief” gebruik.
Emosionele Intelligente leiers tree empaties op . Emosionele intelligente leiers het begrip vir die uitdagings wat ander ervaar en tree empaties teenoor ander op.

Doen moeite om hierdie 5 eienskappe in jou kommunikasie styl in te werk en ontwikkel ter selfde tyd jou emosionele intelligensie

Veerkragtigheid Gaan Oor Hoe Jy Herlaai!

Fri, 16 Oct 2020 08:37:33 GMT

Wanneer dit kom by veerkragtigheid of die Engelse “Resilience” maak ons soms gebruik van ‘n militaristiese of sterk uitkyk om dit te definieer. Woorde soos deursettingsvermoë, “grit”, weerstand en “tough” word maklik met die woord veerkragtigheid geassosieer. Ons sien in ons geestesoog ‘n soldaat wat deur aanval skote van die vyand hardloop, sy medesoldaat red en die oorlog wen. Ons sien ‘n atleet wat ten spyte van beserings die resies wen of ‘n vrou wat weier om ‘n traan te stort by haar man se oop graf omdat sy nog 2 kinders het om voor te sorg.

Veerkragtigheid gaan nie so seer oor dit wat jy weerstaan nie, maar eerder oor hoe jy herlaai. Ons herlaai periodes of oomblikke van “recharge” speel ‘n enorme rol in ons vermoë om veerkragtig te kan wees. Om 17:00 elke middag uit te teken by jou kantoor definieer nie die konsep van herlaai nie. Herlaai beteken om ten volle te ontspan en die dinge te doen wat jou energie gee.

Dit is belangrik dat ons vir ons kinders die waarde van ontspanning leer van kleins af. Dit is beter om te stop en te rus sonder om op te gee en dan weer te probeer. Kinders moet ook geleer word hoe belangrik ‘n goeie nagrus is, hoe belangrik gesonde kos en oefening is. Indien ons dit regkry om ons kinders te laat inkoop in die belangrikheid van self-versorging deur middel van herlaai aktiwiteite, vermeerder ons hul kanse om veerkragtig te kan wees.

Dink terug aan jou eie lewe, vir hoeveel meer sien jy kans as jy herlaai voel, vol energie, in vergelyking met die dae waar jy al vir weke jouself afsloof voor jou rekenaar of al jou tyd aan ‘n werk projek spandeer.

Indien jy jouself weer in ‘n situasie bevind waar jy veerkragtig gaan moet optree is dit belangrik om te onthou dat hoe jy herlaai kan bepaal hoe jy die situasie hanteer.

Groepsdruk

Thu, 08 Oct 2020 10:28:18 GMT

Kinders van alle ouderdomme ervaar groepsdruk. Meeste mense dink groepsdruk is altyd ‘n slegte ding veral as ons dink in terme van groepsdruk met betrekking to alkohol misbruik, rook ensovoorts. Maar sommige vorme van groepsdruk kan goed wees. Veral wanneer ‘n ander kind jou kind druk tot iets beter of om hul potensiaal te gebruik. Dit is juis waarom dit so belangrik is om ons kinders te help onderskei tussen goeie en slegte of positiewe en negatiewe vriendskappe. Dit is wat werklik saak maak want die regte vriende sal jou ook soms bietjie druk. Die verskil is egter dat hulle jou sal druk in terme van positiewe dinge.

Daar is baie maniere waardeur ons kinders kan leer om groepsdruk te hanteer. Dit is egter belangrik dat ons so vroeg as moontlik moet begin. ‘n Goeie plek om te begin is om jou kind te help onderskei tussen goeie en slegte maats. Ons kan ook ons kinders help om vooraf te dink wat hulle moontlik kan sê wanneer iemand hulle forseer om iets te doen. Help hulle om hierdie woorde te oefen en gereed en voorbereid te wees vir wanneer dit eendag gebeur. Soos ons kinders ouer word, kan ons ook vir hulle leer om ‘n kode woord vir ons as ouers te sê of per sms te stuur wanneer hulle hulself in ‘n baie moeilike situasie bevind en moontlik ons as ouer se hulp nodig het.

Onthou om jou waardes met jou kind te deel. Dit is belangrik dat ons kinders weet hoe ons voel oor goed soos diefstal, alkohol misbruik ensv. Ons as ouers stel altyd die voorbeeld wat die maklikste gaan wees vir ons kinders om te volg. Wanneer ons ‘n goeie waarde sisteem in ons kinders vestig maak dit die kanse op groepsdruk reeds baie minder. Waarde ontwikkeling sluit in dat ons beperkings plaas op dit wat ons kinders op telivisie na kyk, op die internet soek en ook in terme van die musiek waarna hulle luister.

Daar mag dalk ‘n geleentheid wees waar jou kind ingee tot groepsdruk, jy as ouer moet vandag al besluit dat jy hulle wel gaan dissiplineer MAAR dat jy ook dit sal sien as ‘n leer en groei geleentheid en jou kind sal help om daaruit te leer op ‘n positiewe manier. Soms leer ons, ons grootste lesse uit ons grootste foute.

14 Building Blocks For Social Skills

Fri, 18 Sep 2020 07:00:02 GMT

Learning how to make friends while we are still little kids is an essential skill. It is the same skill we will draw from in our adult lives in order to form healthy relationships, deal with conflict and manage our social environment in a healthy way. We need to remember that we are not raising kids, we are raising adults. The biggest influence in the lives of our children is us as parents. Accordingly, most of what they learn about essential skills such as social skills, they will learn by watching us. Take a look at the list hereunder and start working on developing these essential social skills in your child. The list can help you determine what you still need to work on and what you still need to implement in your current teachings:

Seeing different perspectives;
Asking for help;
Complimenting others;
Clear communication;
Encouraging others;
Calmly resolving conflict;
Sharing/taking turns;
Using a gentle tone of voice;
Using patience;
Listening attentively;
Looking someone in the eyes;
Participating instead of just giving demands;
Asking questions which shows interest;
Empathising.

SOCIAL SKILL QUESTIONS TO TEACH YOUR CHILD:

Can I play with you?
Will you teach me how to do that?
Would you like to try this?
Can I help you?

Does Your Child Have A High EQ?

Fri, 11 Sep 2020 07:00:02 GMT

Developing the emotional intelligence of our kids is one of the greatest gifts we as parents can equip them with. When we start seeing emotionally loaded situations as teaching opportunities it can assist us greatly in focusing on the development of emotional intelligence. In any working environment, emotional intelligence is a sought-after skill. Your child will also need to draw from this skill in their work environment one day. Emotional intelligence can also assist our kids to form healthy relationships in their adult lives. Some of the basic characteristics of a child with emotional intelligence can include:

Recognise their emotions and those of others;
Can express overwhelming emotions in a healthy way;
Can formulate an idea with regards to how others might feel in certain situations;
Can use social skills to make friends and maintain healthy friendships;
Can initiate a conversation with other people;
Can display patience when waiting for their turn;
Can give and receive compliments with comfort;
Can use negotiation or healthy compromising skills to resolve conflict;
Can cooperate with others and function in a team;
Can ask for assistance and offer help when necessary.

Remember, you are your child’s greatest role model, make sure you are a good one. The way we make use of emotional intelligence in our parenting style gives our children a first-hand opportunity to develop this essential skill. How do you deal with your feelings? How do you react on them and do you consciously choose to learn from your challenging experiences? Make a deliberate choice to be the best version of yourself for the people you love.

Are You Addressing Your Child’s Basic Needs?

Fri, 04 Sep 2020 07:00:02 GMT

Being a parent can be one of the most challenging experiences but it can also be one of the most rewarding. As parents, we often feel overwhelmed about the needs of our children and often worry about whether we are in fact addressing at least their basic needs. The questions hereunder can help you establish a level of awareness with regards to the progress you are making in this regard:

See If You Can Complete These Sentences:

My child feels accepted because I…
My Child feels valued because I…
My child feels cared for because I…
My child knows I will forgive him/her because My child feels unconditionally loved because I…
My child feels safe because I…
My child feels supported because I…
My child feels trusted because I…
My child knows he/she is taken into consideration because I…
My child knows I believe in his/her abilities because I…

Ouer betrokkenheid is belangrik

Fri, 14 Aug 2020 08:09:06 GMT

Dit is geen nuwe nuus of ‘n vreemde standpunt, dat die rol wat ouers speel in die akademiese en algemene opvoeding van kinders van kardinale belang is nie.

Ons kon in die grendel tydperk nie anders as om agter te kom hoeveel kinders slegs voor ‘n skerm neergeplak word met die instruksie om net te leer nie. Dit is ‘n feit dat ouers deesdae ‘n gejaagde lewe lei met verskeie verantwoordelikhede. Dit vat egter nie die noodsaaklike behoefte weg wat ons kinders het vir ons betrokkenheid in hul lewens nie.

Selfstandigheid is wel belangrik, maar ouers moet onthou dat dit ‘n betrokke ouer vereis om hierdie belangrike konsep te ontwikkel in kinders. Dit is belangrik vir kinders om te besef dat hul opvoeding hul verantwoordelikheid is. Dit is egter ook belangrik vir ouers om hul te ondersteun in die proses om die belangrikheid hiervan te ontdek.

Volgens die Nasionale Opvoeding Assosiasie is daar navorsing wat bewys dat familie interaksie in skool verwante aktiwiteite, kinders se prestasie kan verbeter, afwesigheid verminder en ook vir ouers ‘n geruste en meer selfversekerde gevoel kan gee met betrekking tot hul kinders se opvoeding. Kinders met ouers wat betrokke is in die verskillende aspekte van hul lewens, bereik beter akademiese prestasies en het ook onder andere beter sosiale vaardighede.

Daar is ‘n gesegde wat lui: “ŉ Appel ‘n dag hou die dokter weg” met betrekking tot ons kinders kan ons sê ’ŉ oomblik ‘n dag hou toekomstige probleme weg”. Maak tyd vir jou kinders, stel belang in dit wat hulle leer op skool, moedig hulle aan, glo in hulle en wys vir hulle dat dit waarmee hulle besig is, vir jou ook belangrik is.

Die eerste 7 jaar van jou kind se lewe

Fri, 14 Aug 2020 07:53:23 GMT

Een van die belangrikste take wat vir ons as ouers opgelê word, is die bydra wat ons moet lewer in die brein-ontwikkeling van ons kinders. ‘n kind se brein ontwikkel in fases wat gesien kan word as kritiese groei-periodes. Alhoewel elke fase van ontwikkeling van kinders belangrik is, is daar verskeie tydperke wat veral belangrik is. Die eerste van hierdie fases geskied rondom die ouderdom van 2. Die tweede belangrike fase geskied gedurende hul tienerjare. Wat kenmerkend is van hierdie fases is die feit dat die getal konneksies of sinapse tussen die brein selle of neurone van ‘n kind, verdubbel. Volwassenes het byna die helfte minder van hierdie sinapse as twee-jarige kinders. Die konneksies tussen brein selle in hierdie tydperk, met twee keer meer sinapse, stel ‘n kind in staat om vinniger te leer. Dit kan ook bydra daartoe dat dit wat kinders in hierdie tydperk leer, ‘n blywende effek op hul ontwikkeling het.

Die eerste belangrik fase van brein ontwikkeling rondom die ouderdom van twee neem af teen die ouderdom van sewe. Dit bied aan ons die geleentheid om ‘n basis neer te lê in terme van goeie opvoeding vir ons kinders. Ons kan bydrae tot die inneem van belangrike inligting in hierdie fase deur ‘n liefde vir leer in ons kinders te koester en ook hul aandig op ander belangrike vaardighede te vestig, soos emosionele intelligensie ontwikkeling.

Dit is belangrik dat ons hierdie vroeë jare in ons kinders se lewens sal begin sien as ‘n gulde geleentheid om hul intellektuele en morele kompas te kondisioneer om die korrekte rigting aan te wys. Dit is ook die fase waar ons moet begin om daarop te fokus om ‘n positiewe uitkyk op die lewe in ons kinders te vestig. Daar is baie tyd na die ouderdom van 7 om ons kinders toe te laat om te spesialiseer in een ding waarmee hulle goed is. Kom ons fokus eers daarop om hul bloot te stel aan ‘n verskeidenheid aktiwiteite en laat hulle toe om die wêreld en al die geleenthede wat dit kan bied te verken.

Indien die maatstaf vir die meet van intelligensie gebaseer was op die vermoë om te kan leer sou kinders tussen die ouderdom van min of meer twee tot sewe moontlik gesien kon word as die mees intelligentste van die mensdom.

Navorsing toon ook dat sommige vaardighede nie naastenby so effektief aangeleer kan word soos in hierdie eerste krities belangrike fase van brein ontwikkeling nie.

Ons as ouers het ‘n belangrike rol om te vervul, hoe vroeër ons begin om ‘n positiewe bydrae te lewer in gesonde brein ontwikkeling in ons kinders, hoe groter hul kanse vir sukses.

Parenting & Attachment Styles

Fri, 24 Jul 2020 11:10:09 GMT

Parents need to ensure that they heal themselves, deal with their own issues and be the best version of themselves for their children. They need to make sure that their past, their mistakes and their pain don’t drive their relationship with their children. Children don’t come with an ego driven desire to attach to the labels or standards of the world. We as parents often bestow these labels or standards upon them and pressure them into becoming something or being someone they are not. Children are completely whole beings, but we as parents often treat them as if they have so many things missing within them. We, with our emptiness or perhaps disappointment in our own lives, create an environment for our children in which they have to achieve things on a list or be something according to the criteria laid out by this world. Children do however come with a natural desire to connect with others and the first and most important connection they need is the one with their parents or primary caretakers.

Dr. Dan Siegel, author of the Book “Parenting from the inside out” refers to the four important S’s of attachment which requires a child to feel “safe, soothed, seen and secure.” This is what you need to focus on when trying to ensure that your child will one day have a Secure Attachment. This is what you will need to do in order to help your child exude with confidence in a healthy way.

Children need to see their parents as secure and need to feel comfortable to venture out into the world, discovering themselves, learning more about their abilities, whilst knowing that they can return to their safe place at any time. Step back and be curious and supportive whilst guiding your child through life and helping them learn all they need to know about life instead of intervening with control and trying to determine which way they should go.

Remember that in life it is important to realise that sometimes our challenges can serve us better than our victories. Choose to learn from the mistakes which your parent might have made or from the parenting mistakes you might have made in the past, learn from them and use them to take control of your parenting style and making sure you are giving your child a chance to fit perfectly into the secure Mature Type.

Attachment Styles In Children

Let’s take a look at a quick summary of what the different Types might look like in children:

Heal your own wounds in order to make sure that you are the best version of yourself for the ones you love and especially your children. Look at for the following and make sure your parenting style does not include any of these elements:

Children shouldn’t be placed in a position to assume a parenting role;
Children don’t need to reassure you that you are a good mom or dad;
Children shouldn’t beg you to stop fighting with others and they shouldn’t be the ones trying to play the “peacemaker” between you and your spouse;
Make sure your boundaries are not distorted by venting to your child about your spouse;
Make sure your child always feels safe, recognised and supported;
Make sure you give your child the right of having a childhood;

Nobody needs to be defined by what they did or what happened to them and no child should suffer the sufferings of their parents. The secret lies in finding a healthy way to let go of the negative things which only hold us back. The type which your life can take on as explained in this book, remains a choice which only you can make.

A Child with a SECURE TYPE know that their caregiver/s are readily available. They know that they are trusted to do certain things on their own, they know that they can venture out into the world to explore certain things but will always be welcome to return to their safe base. They find confidence through knowing that overwhelming emotions ca be dealt with and that their caregiver/parents can deal with any version of them. They understand that their feelings are valued and will not be dismissed all the time.

A child with an PLEASER TYPE understands that they have a caregiver that will keep them safe and often feel as if they need to let their caregiver/parents know how much they are needed. During the childhood years of a person who falls into this category they were exposed to the fact that their caregiver/parents were not always attentive to their needs and easily resort to interpreting this as them not being valued. Children who grow up in these circumstances have caretakers/parents who are distracted but they do occasionally attend/respond to their child’s need. In these circumstances children sometimes learn that by taking care of their parents/caretaker, they get a form of attention. This creates a situation in which a child has to supress their own needs in order to take care of the needs of their caretaker/parent. The Pleasing Style often had parents who told them what to do when faced with challenging tasks, instead of guiding them towards finding solutions or just assisting them on sorting out their challenges.

A child who falls into the AVOIDANT TYPE often grew up with an underlying consciousness toward the fact that they need to keep themselves from showing overwhelming feelings such as fear for it will cause their caregiver/parents to go away. These kids often have to suppress negative/overwhelming feelings which can result in higher levels of stress hormones being produced. In the early years, individuals who develop this style appear to be more independent. In many circumstances children in this category has a caregiver/parent who moved away from them when they expressed overwhelming feelings. This in turn contributes to the child learning to suppress their feelings to try and keep their parents/caregiver close. Children can soon learn to do this very well and to such an extent that they appear content with an easy-going personality. They do however miss out on important lessons such being able to recognise emotional needs, accept emotional needs and how to manage and address their own emotions.

A child who falls into the DISRUPTED TYPE grew up feeling as if they are struggling to cope and need their caregiver but was challenged by the fact that their caregiver was also the one that scared them. Children who develop this style grew up with lots of fear and uncertainty being present. This can be seen as the most damaging attachment style formed in the early years of a child’s life. One of the biggest reasons for this is that a child in this situation struggles to find a reliable way through which they can keep themselves safe. Some children growing up in challenging circumstances sometimes resort to using dissociation as a coping mechanism. Dissociation basically refers to a state in which the brain chooses to not focus on the present when it is too painful/frightening or challenging. Dissociation leaves little mental energy for explorative play and learning.

For more information on attachment styles you can order the book THE SHAPE OF YOUR M.I.N.D – “What shakes you-can shape you.” Written by Antoinette Steyn (co-developer of EQ4Kids). Send an email to info@antoinettesteyn.co.za

Children & Fear

Fri, 17 Jul 2020 06:44:47 GMT

Most children experience fear at some stage. Most of these fears are a normal part of a child’s development process, such as certain forms of separation anxiety, fear of the dark and the fear of new experiences. Fear often plays an important role in that it makes us cautious and contributes to our preparation for new and risky situations. The preparation might be psychological (“I will do my best to be brave when I visit the dentist”) or physical (“I will walk on the other side of the road in order to avoid running into the scary dog”). Fear sometimes becomes unhealthy, when it overwhelms children, paralyses or prevents them from participating in everyday life or dominates their behaviour and thinking. It is important for a parent to validate a child’s fear, but also to make sure they know you have faith in their ability to face their fear. It sometimes helps to point out to your child a situation in which he/she faced their fear in the past.

Tips

Work on increasing your child’s physical skills, physical shape and routines. When children learn to control and explore their bodies, it contributes to increased physical confidence.
Parents help children a lot by teaching them how to navigate new situations rather than not participating. Start teaching your child relaxation techniques such as deep breathing or self-distraction, for instance by listening to a story.
Always try to display confidence to your child. In many situations, children take their cues from their parents, if you want your child to be brave, you need to be brave too.
Ensure good sleeping habits, a balanced diet and fitness through exercise. If a child feels good, healthy and rested they already have more confidence in themselves to be brave.
Always be patient and reassuring without minimizing your child’s fear. Reward your child’s coping behaviour. Praise your child for being brave even in situations where your child was only partially brave – the praise should be related to the effort your child made.
Reinforce exposure rather than always avoiding your child’s fears. Start gradually by reading them a positive story on spiders when they are afraid of spiders. Allow for small victories to take place in the process of helping your child face a fear.
Start teaching your child positive “self-talk”. By telling themselves for instance “I am brave” or “I can do this”.

6 Social Distancing Games Kids Can Play

Thu, 09 Jul 2020 11:28:55 GMT

Just because kids need to keep a safe distance from one another does not mean that they can’t still have fun. Here are a few examples of fun lockdown games kids can play:

1. Catch My Shadow

In this simple game, kids can chase each other’s shadows. They are not allowed to touch one another. The person who starts the game must catch another player by stepping on the shadow head of the other person. As soon as they step onto the shadow of someone else’s head, that person becomes the next chaser.

2. Self-regulation Stretches

Use different animals or insects as an example of the type of stretches which kids can do. They can do these stretches while standing at least 1.5m apart outside or while standing at their desks in class. Do each stretching exercise for 30 seconds and allow a pause of 15 seconds between each stretch type.

Crazy cricket hops
Hop back and forth like a cricket while flapping your elbows like little wings;
Uncle Elephant march
March on the spot with heavy feet, lift your knees up high.
Giddy Giraffe Gallops
Gallop on the sport like a giraffe while stretching out your long neck
Manic Monkey Bounces
Bend down low and jump up in the air while alternating your feet.
Fancy Flamingo Flaps
Stretch out your arms like big wings and balance on one leg. Stand like that for 10 seconds and then switch to your other leg.

3. The Senses Game

During this game you can sit on one spot and name the following:

5 Things you can smell
5 things you can see
5 Things you can touch
5 Sounds you can hear

4. Simon Says

This golden oldie can be dusted off and used again. One person gives the instructions and the rest has to follow. The person who gives the instructions simply says: “Simon says… e.g. put your hands on your head”. The person who completes the action the quickest gets to give the next instruction.

5. Charades Fun

Play a charades game by allowing each child to stand in front of a group and act out something. The first person who can guess what the other person is acting out can go next. You can also take turns and give everyone a chance to act something out. You can limit the things that can be acted out to the following topics:

Emotions; (Using emotions as an example can be even more fun while kids have to wear their masks)
Social Distancing & keeping clean rules;
Movies;

6. Noodle Tag

Each child can use a pool noodle to play “tag” with. The rules are the same as any other “tag” game. The only difference is that instead of touching someone with your hand, you need to use your pool noodle to touch them.

How Far Can You See?

Mon, 29 Jun 2020 13:52:20 GMT

Some people try to determine how far they can see by trying to look at life through their tears and pain instead of focusing on their strengths. Pain and overwhelming emotions can cause our decisions to be influenced by childhood adversities, preconceived ideas or impulsive conclusions. It is important to help your child become aware of their strengths. It is important that parents create opportunities for their kids to succeed. In times of trouble, they will need these strengths to hold on to.

It is easy to give up on life, some might say that it is much easier than to keep going and to keep trusting and believing. In the midst of adversity, we sometimes choose to view something as a dead-end which in actual fact only signals the beginning of something great. A positive mindset, deliberately choosing to seek solutions and to be able to see the positive in negative situations is a form of behaviour we need to learn and teach our kids. We need to teach this to our kids from as young as possible. Playing games in which kids need to seek solutions or find the positive side in a negative situation can help them form the basis of a positive mindset. Helping them to face challenges instead of shying away from it also assists in this process.

When you feel consumed with grief or sadness remember that there will come a time when you will need to wipe your tears and choose to look at life, not through the hazy view you get through your tears, but through the lens which focuses on your strengths and abilities. Our challenges are either worsened or weakened by the view and perceptions we hold. Choose wisely and choose to develop this skill in your child from as young as possible. Ask yourself: “How far can I see in life?” and “How far am I allowing my child to see?”. Let’s look beyond our challenges and start seeing opportunities again.

Are you providing your child with a secure base?

Mon, 29 Jun 2020 13:38:36 GMT

When you get on an airplane the flight attendants explain the safety precautions to you which needs to be taken into account in case of an emergency. One of the things they explain clearly is the fact that when the oxygen masks drop, you need to put your mask on first before attempting to help your children or other co-passengers. The reason for this is the fact that you won’t be able to stay safe and help others if you don’t make sure you get the oxygen you need first. Trying to help others without first ensuring your own survival will be like trying to pour water from an empty cup. Parenting works the same way.

Parents need to ensure that they heal themselves, deal with their own issues and be the best version of themselves for their children. They need to make sure that their past, their mistakes and their pain don’t drive their relationship with their children. Children don’t come with an egotistic desire to attach to the labels of the world. We as parents often bestow these labels upon them and pressure them into becoming something or being someone they are not. Children are whole from the start and we often treat them as incomplete or something which needs fixing. We often draw from the disappointment in our own lives, create an environment for our children in which they have to achieve things on a list or be something according to the criteria laid out by this world. Children do however come with a natural desire to connect with others and the first and most important connection they need is the one with their parents. Having a healthy and safe connection with their parents can play a big role in their success in life.

Dr. Dan Siegel, author of the Book “Parenting from the inside out” refers to the four important S’s of attachment which requires a child to feel safe, soothed, seen and secure. This is what you need to focus on when trying to ensure that your child will one day reap the benefits of having had a positive attachment style with his or her parents.

Remember that in life it is important to realise that sometimes our challenges can serve us better than our victories. Choose to learn from the mistakes which your parent might have made or from the parenting mistakes you might have made in the past, learn from them and use them to take control of your parenting style and making sure you are giving your child a secure base to function from for the rest of his or her life.

How often do you step into your child’s shoes?

Mon, 22 Jun 2020 11:15:57 GMT

Everybody experiences things differently. After having ridden on a rollercoaster some people will describe the experience as thrilling and exciting, some will describe it as terrible and frightening. People are different and see things differently. Facing the truth or turning to the truth will not always require you to let go of your opinions but it will ask of you to place yourself in the shoes of another and at least take their perspective or experience into account as well. As parents we often find it easy to empathise with others but forget to also place ourselves in the shoes of our kids. We often forget to view things from their perspective before trying to assist them.

We often hold a certain reality with regards to certain situations and forget that our kids also have their own version of reality. Sometimes the healthiest connections with our kids are formed when we are able to view things from their perspective. To help them feel heard and understood.

A while back my then 6-year-old son fell from his bicycle and had a gaping wound on his knee. A week later he came up to me and showed me his healing wound. Highly disappointed he claimed: “Mom- look at the scab which grew over my wound, now it is covering up my wound and you can’t see how much it still hurts”. At that moment I realised how dependant my child was of my empathy, how he felt vulnerable and needed a bit more affection. After empathising with him for only a few seconds, he was energised enough to get back on his bike and was prepared to face the possibility of perhaps falling down again. A moment of empathy and stepping into the shoes of our kids can help us help them resolve challenges before they become bigger issues.

Resilience

Mon, 15 Jun 2020 07:36:56 GMT

Why can some people cope with stress and trauma and others not? Why can some move forward while others stay stuck in their pain?

Resilience or the ability to overcome adversity has been researched by the human sciences for many years, trying to trace why and how some people can bounce back in spite of hardship and severe trauma.

Recent research has highlighted some of the most common factors of resilient people:

They don’t see themselves as victims of circumstance and understand the importance of actively managing their feelings and coping skills.
They are resourceful and normally have good problem-solving skills.
They know that they need social support to survive and don’t neglect their support systems.
They value their connection with family and friends.
They are not scared to ask for help.
Resilient people also show a high level of spirituality, acknowledging that people are all part of a bigger picture, designed by a power greater than us.

Practising their spirituality, of whatever kind, brings them a sense of meaning and perspective, adding purpose to their lives. They acknowledge love and compassion as driving forces in their lives and interaction with people.

It has been found that a certain degree of spirituality enables resilient people to cultivate hope and to practice critical awareness. They accept their vulnerability but know how to take the edge off the discomfort and pain caused by trauma.

Hope is not an emotion for resilient people, but a mindset and a way of thinking. They set goals and persevere to achieve it and they believe in their own abilities. The good news is that hopefulness is a skill that can be learned! Children can learn hope from their parents and in relationships where there are boundaries, consistency and support – they can learn that hope is a choice any person can make. But resilient people know that this is not an easy and fast process – it requires hard work and commitment.

Mom & Dad Here Are 11 Things I Need From You

Mon, 08 Jun 2020 14:20:45 GMT

Youngsters learn a lot about emotional regulation through being understood and correctly guided towards dealing with their difficult feelings. Some of the basics for emotional regulation start with parents’ ability to help their children recognise what makes them feel certain strong emotions it also helps to make sure we sufficiently adhere to the basic needs which our kids might have. Here are a few things for parents to remember when it comes to addressing the basic needs of their kids.

Encourage me. I need your praise and I need it to be sincere. Please focus on the things I get right on my own and not just material things or my looks;

Put your trust in me. Give me opportunities to make decisions on my own. I sometimes need to make bad decisions in order to make better ones the next time;
You choose what I eat. Please make sure you provide me with nutritious and healthy food;
Value me. Don’t compare me with other kids or siblings;
Encourage me to play outside. I learn a lot by just playing and having fun.
Have discussions with me. Don’t always just give advice or talk to me. Engage in meaningful conversation with me;
Let me explore but be my safe place. Encourage me to explore things on my own but make sure I always remember that I have a safe place in you where I can return to at any given moment;
Just Listen. Allow me opportunities to express how I feel and say whatever I need to say, without wanting to correct me or give me advice. Just be there.
Love me unconditionally. You will never be able to give me too much love;
Be my role model. I learn a lot by just watching you.
Praise my efforts. Even if I still struggle and can’t get things done, you can encourage me to keep on trying by praising my efforts.

Do Kids Have It Tough Out There?

Tue, 02 Jun 2020 11:50:35 GMT

Is the world tougher for our kids than it was for us when we were their age? It might be. Lately, I could not help but notice that when you find yourself in a conversation with other parents, they utter the following words: “Our poor kids, they have so much homework, there is so much pressure on them, they have it so tough. In our days we played outside all afternoon, these poor kids only do homework.”

The worst part is many parents utter these words in the presence of their kids. The possibility remains that your child can hear these words and start feeling sorry for themselves. They might have been perfectly fine, but since you started worrying, they start worrying as well. You are not helping your child at all when you come across as overwhelmed by the pressure they have to deal with. Resilience is a skill which will benefit our kids greatly in life. Sometimes your child might be tested beyond the abilities they currently hold. This is not always a bad thing. We need to allow the natural resiliency of our kids to kick in. Sometimes our kids’ greatest downfall is us as parents, who blow things out of proportion or who struggle with our own challenges.

Were you taught how to deal with failure? Were you taught that failure is a part of life and that you need to search for and find the opportunity for growth within failure? Were you taught that your worth is not based on your successes or performance rate? How we react and what we think about failure we experienced can influence the way our children deal with the failures they will invariably encounter in life.

We can’t contribute to their pressure! We need to teach our kids resilience. With resilience and EQ, they can start to deal with many of the challenges they are faced with. Just because we as parents feel overwhelmed does not give us the right to project that onto our kids. Let’s start believing in our kids again, let’s help them choose to laugh more, learn more and take some risks for a change. Yes, the world is tough out there but so are our kids. Start believing in your child’s ability to show resilience, guide them in doing so and help them value the lessons they can learn from enduring challenges.

Your Circumstances Does Not Determine Your Fate

Mon, 25 May 2020 04:49:26 GMT

Dr. James M. Barry was a young and excellent military surgeon. He was only 5 feet tall but was a brilliant swordsman, the champion of his unit and he was an excellent shot to boot. During an illustrious career in the British Army, progressing to the rank of General, Dr. Barry eventually accepted a placement as military surgeon in Cape Town. Here he was known to have saved the life of one of Lord Charles Somerset’s daughters, against all odds, and eventually became good friends with Lord Charles. In 1826, whilst stationed in Cape Town, Dr. Barry was called to attend to one Mrs. Wilhelmina Munnik who had been in labour at that stage for an excessive amount of time. To the extent that the situation had become life-threatening for both mother and baby. The midwife attending to her had tried everything and wasn’t sure what to do next.

Dr. Barry found that a normal birth wouldn’t be possible and an emergency C-section had to be performed on Mrs. Munnik. In those days a C-section was the last option to save a baby and it was also accepted that after a C-section the mother would certainly die. In those days there were no anaesthetics and bacteria wasn’t discovered yet. Washing hands was not yet considered as an important part of keeping infections from spreading. Jeremy Dronfield one of the co-writers of the book in Dr. Barry’s life however writes that Dr. Barry had a “radical dedication towards hygiene”.

Dr. Barry clearly was a man before his time. Mrs. Munnik was held down and Dr. Barry performed the C-section on her. Medical history was made that night. Not only did Dr. Barry save the baby, he continued to save the life of Mrs. Munnik as well. Dr. Barry performed the first recorded successful C-section in the British Empire in which both mother and baby survived. Mrs. Munnik named her son James Barry Munnik in honour of Dr. Barry. In the Munnik family in every generation up to today there is a boy who was named James Barry Munnik. Dr. Barry retired holding the rank of Inspector General, the highest rank which can be obtained by a medical Doctor in the British military.

Dr. Barry passed away at the age of 76 in 1865. After Dr. Barry’s death, on performing a post-mortem examination, a shocking discovery was made. Dr. Barry was in fact a woman! The British military and medical profession found themselves in a position where they had to face a big scandal. In those days no woman was allowed in the military not to mention being promoted to the rank of a General. Woman simply weren’t allowed to become medical doctors either not to mention becoming a surgeon.

The British Military covered up the story and said nothing about it. Dr. Barry was buried as a man and all records with regards to the story was sealed for a 100 years. Dr. Barry’s true identity only surfaced in the year 2008 after researchers and writer Michael du Preez discovered her true name, Margaret Anne Bulkley. She was born in Cork in Ireland in 1789. When she was a teenager, her father was subjected to civil imprisonment for bad debt. During this time she was raped by her uncle and accordingly gave birth to his child.

At the age of 19 she cut her hair and dressed herself as a man. She entered herself in the Edinburg University in order to become a surgeon. She qualified in 1812 and joined the British Military. After her retirement she kept on living as a man. This was undoubtedly to avoid unnecessary drama, conflict and publicity. After her death various pictures cut out of a magazine of the latest fashion for women was found pasted in her suitcase lid. Even though Dr. Barry had to become a man in order to live her dream, she never stopped being a woman either.

Her story serves as a great testimony of the fact that a person has the ability to reach their goals despite their circumstances. If Dr. Barry chose to focus on the challenges which stood in her way instead of creating new opportunities she never would have been able to live her dream, let alone achieve the incredible things she did. In this life there will be many medical discoveries which will never be made, new inventions that will never be invented and records that will never be broken due to the fact that many talented people focus on what keeps them from achieving their goal rather than focusing on the things which can help them achieve their goals.

Life is a lot like a mirror and the image reflecting back at you is a direct image of your own outlook, thoughts, opinions, perceptions and expectations. We are not defined by what happens to us, the negative opinions of others or even the things done to us by others, but we are defined by our reaction towards these things.

Is Not A Journey But Rather A Fight!

Mon, 18 May 2020 03:10:10 GMT

Sometimes you may need to travel through madness in order to find yourself. You need to break the chains of your past in order to be set free and make mindful conscious decisions. Allow yourself to grow – for one of the most important ingredients for success is growth. Often times we lose what we have in the present, because we fear so much of what lies in our past. Some of life’s most valuable lessons can only be learnt when you have to endure a storm.

We tend to react to these circumstances with intense emotion in order to protect ourselves or to seek the approval of others. We struggle to just sit back and relax while remembering that not every situation requires our reaction. When Jesus was on the boat with His disciples on the Sea of Galilee, he slept during the storm. His disciples were awakened by their fear. If only they took the time to remind themselves of who was in their boat with them, they would have been able to rely on their truth rather than their assumptions.

Be aware of the thoughts you think which can be directly linked to past experiences. When you are aware of something, you can change it but when you proceed blindly and continue to believe these negative thoughts without consciously evaluating their value and bringing them into your scope of awareness, you will not be able to change them and accordingly relive negative elements dictated by your past, in your future.

Many people tend to use the excuse of uncertainty as a reason for struggling to let go of particular things. In many cases in life the person you will become - the best version of yourself - will cause you to lose certain people and certain things in your life but it is important to choose the best version of yourself above these things. Spend your energy focused on building the new and let go of the old.

Choose to be strong because you have been weak, to be wise because you have been foolish and to be fearless because you have been afraid. Choose to be wiser by learning from mistakes and past hurts instead of allowing it to determine what your future will look like. Your goal should never be to try and be better than someone else; it should be to be better than the person you were, to keep on growing and to create the best possible version of yourself. This sometimes requires us to start chasing the person we wish to be 5 years from now.

Never point a finger and never blame others, for this contributes only to your joy being taken from you. Work on yourself every single day and remember that the day you plant the seed of a tree in the ground, is not the same day you will sit under the shade of that tree.

Be wary of the things you tolerate. This include how other people treat you, how you allow yourself to be used or abused. The things you tolerate give a clear indication to others of how you expect to be treated. Your ability to display self-control should become your strength. It is important that you get to a point where your reactions are not determined by the insignificant opinions, actions or behaviour of others. When you do this, you allow others to determine the course of your life and you allow the things you feel to overpower the things you know to be true.

Top 5 Ways To Use Music For Emotional Expression

Mon, 11 May 2020 08:27:29 GMT

Music has always been one of the best ways for people to express themselves. Sometimes words just aren’t enough, and music with words has a way of evoking emotions from deep down, as well as providing us with many benefits to being able to identify feelings in a therapeutic way. Utilizing music for expression is a way to appropriate our own personal response to the way that a song or piece of music can make us feel, and how we want to share that with the world.

Have you ever listened to a song and thought, “That is exactly how I feel at this moment?” Music has a powerful way of reaching us and connecting to our thoughts and feelings. Being able to tap into those emotions is the objective when performing.

There are many ways to use music as a way to express oneself. You can express yourself physically, mentally, and even spiritually. Let’s explore some various ways that you can utilize music in this way and help gain some perspective of your feelings and emotions during these trying times.

Write It All Down

Even if you’re not a songwriter, most people have a basic grasp of the way that a song is written. The typical format in which songs are written often looks like this: Verse 1 / Chorus / Verse 2 / Chorus / Bridge / Chorus. There are some variations to this such as starting with the Chorus first, but we’ll say this is the more standard of songwriting formats.

Children can especially benefit from dealing with tolerating uncomfortable emotions through writing things down in a diary or journal. Structuring your writing like music can really help to lay all of those emotions out in a truly creative way.

Think of writing as an outlet. Most of us can’t always say how we feel and sometimes writing it down is easier than saying it out loud, and a great way to express yourself. Take a pen to paper or hands to the keyboard and just pour your heart out. You may find yourself pleasantly surprised at what comes out, how creative you are, and how the music just flows.

Keep Listening

Just like how the methods of expression can be vast, it is important to continue to listen to music. There are so many new styles, singers, and musical expressions out there and being made every day. Take as much of it in as possible and find what moves you and speaks to you.

You should analyze the music you listen to and find out the “why” behind liking songs more than others. Ask yourself some questions to understand: Is it the structure? Is it the notes/keys used? What is the most influential part of the song? This can lead to helping you find ways of knowing how you would express yourself in music.

Actually, Play or Sing by Taking Music Lessons

One of the keys to learning more about your preferred style of music for expression is to try taking some music lessons. Music lessons are one of the best ways that you can continually use music as a form of expression because you will be studying it at least once a week. You can choose to take voice lessons or learn to play an instrument. Lessons will help you to learn the language of the music so that you can create expressive performances.

The piano or guitar are great beginner instruments that will allow you to learn some basic music theory while learning how to play. To put any new learner at ease, as trying a new skill can be nerve-wracking, there are numerous online options! For example, Music To Your Home's online piano lessons can be taught from the comfort of your own home and you can learn how to play chords and progressions as well as creatively express yourself by exploring different methods and styles. Do some research and find songs that you want to play or sing in your lessons that can help you to express yourself - you’ll be able to identify the type of genre or style that not only fits you best but allows you to demonstrate the most creative illustration of your feelings.

Stay Open to Feedback

Emotional expression is one of those things that people don’t like to feel judged on. Receiving constructive criticism is not the same as being judged. Everyone can always improve upon their learning, structuring, and musical interpretations, and it can be very beneficial to hear others’ thoughts on your music and what you are trying to convey. One of the great benefits of music is that it helps us to learn social skills , so young children can learn language patterns and how to talk and relate to others, even on a more empathetic level.

For instance, if you have suffered a loss and want to demonstrate that heartbreak through music, you can play or sing to an audience and reach them about it. Asking for feedback to ensure that you have achieved that outcome is not asking for judgment. You want to be sure that the message you are working to express to your audience was successful. You can only do that by receiving feedback about your performance and how the music was able to portray your emotions.

Forming Habits - Essential to Expression

Working towards something creates habits, and the same goes for musical expression. The more you practice and work on your music, you can create habits that make music as easy as having a conversation where you will be able to express yourself freely.

With hard work and dedication, playing or singing will come freely to you, which will allow you to perform without much thought on the technical aspects, and gives way to more expressiveness in your performances.

When you have worked on those habits and developed them for the music you love and wish to play or sing, then the expression becomes easy. Movements your hands or mouth make will become automatic, and you’ll be able to communicate ideas and connect with your audience. This is the ultimate goal when making music so that you can express emotions with confidence.

Selfbeheersing Is Van Groter Waarde As Wat Ons Besef

Mon, 04 May 2020 13:52:07 GMT

‘n Gebrek aan selfbeheersing is een van die redes waarom mense konstant besig is. Mense sonder selfbeheersing sê gewoonlik ja vir alles wat ander van hulle verwag. Wanneer jy nie selfbeheersing het nie is jy ook soms geneig om al jou energie te bestee daaraan om ander gelukkig te maak. Selfbeheersing is ook ŉ vaardigheid wat ons sonder om te skroom aan ons kinders moet leer.

Ons mate van self-beheersing speel ŉ groot rol in die keuses wat ons maak. Talle navorsingsprojekte het al bewys dat self-beheersing een van die grootste voorspellers van sukses in die lewe is. Die vermoë om selfbeheersing te kan toepas is grotendeels afhanklik van dit waarop ons fokus. Fokus jy op dit wat vir jou onmiddellike tevredenheidstelling sal bied of fokus jy eerder op dit wat op die langtermyn vir jou meer gewenste en permanente resultate sal bied. Waarop ons fokus kan die uitslag van soveel dinge bepaal. Selfbeheersing is ook vir jou ‘n wyse om doelbewus te kies dat jy nie sal vaskyk in die reus op jou pad nie maar sal weet wie agter jou staan en waar jou krag werklik vandaan kom.

Om dit perspektief te gee is dit interessant om so ŉ bietjie na Goliat te kyk. Daar word heelwat inligting oor Goliat gegee in die boek van 1 Samuel. Die beskrywings van Goliat verskil aan die hand van die verskillende antieke tekste maar hy was op die minste amper sewe voet of meer as 2 meter lank en dalk selfs soveel as 9 voet lank. Dit is egter belangrik om te onthou dat Saul beskryf was as ‘n groot man wat ‘n kop langer as die ander manne gestaan het. Dus self reeds oor 6 voet lank. Saul was bevrees vir Goliat wat mens die idee kan gee dat Goliat inderdaad baie groot was. Ons weet presies hoe lank hy was want die Siloam Tonnel is aangeteken as 1200 el lank. Ons kan die tonnel vandag nog meet. Dit is 533 meter lank. Goliat word beskryf as 6 el en ‘n span. Dit beteken hy was 9 voet ses duim of 2.89m lank. Nie net was hy lank nie maar ook swaar gebou en geweldig sterk. Die ander aanduiding van Goliat se statuur was die grootte van sy wapens en bewapening. Sy borswering alleen het 5000 sikkels koper geweeg. Die gewig van ‘s sikkel is bekend en was tussen 11 en 12 gram aldus die “New Bible Dictionary”. Dit beteken dat sy borswering alleen by die 60 kilogram geweeg het. Dit sluit nie sy helm of been uitrusting in nie. ‘n Moderne koeëlvaste baadjie met kevlar en keramiek plate in XL grootte weeg omtrent 9kg! Die punt van sy spies het 6.83 kilogram gewees. Die spies was gebruik om aanvallers op ‘n naby afstand af te weer en te steek en ook om houe af te weer. Die spies moes dus vinnig en behendig hanteer en beweeg kon word. Goliat was nie net ‘n goed opgeleide soldaat nie maar was boonop die kampioen van die Filistyne. Hy kon dus behendig en effektief veg met al hierdie swaar wapenrusting. Hy was hulle beste soldaat en het die hoogtepunt van militêre tegnologie van sy dag verteenwoording. Dawid aan die ander kant was ‘n jong skaapwagter. Hy was wel nie totaal weerloos nie maar sou eers later in sy lewe die opleiding van ‘n soldaat ontvang. Hy was dus nie opgelei om te veg nie. Hy het geen bewapening aangehad nie en kon nie eers Saul sin dra nie omdat dit te swaar was. Hy was dus nog lig gebou as jong man. Hier was hy bereid om in die teenwoordigheid van die totale Israelse en Filistynse weermagte met hulle beste soldaat te veg ten einde die uitkoms van die hele oorlog te bepaal. Wat het dit nie geverg om sy gedagtes in hierdie omstandigede te beheer nie?

Ons behoefte om iets te bereik, iets te bekom of iets te herstel is soms so groot dat ons impulsief sal drink van elke fontein wat op ons pad kom sonder om te besef dat ons onsself so vergiftig. Jy moet weet wie jy is, wat jou visie is en waarheen jy oppad is, sodat jy jouself in kleiner versoekinge kan beheer en jou oog kan hou op dit wat werklik vir jou saak maak. John Assaraf stel dit mooi deur te sê: “ Jy moet jou emosies en dit wat jy glo tot so ‘n mate opgradeer dat die in lyn is met jou visie en jou doelwitte ”.

‘n Bekende aanhaling lui “As jy vir niks staan nie sal jy vir enigiets val.” ŉ Gemiddelde aanbod of tydelike bevrediging sal altyd vir jou aanloklik lyk indien jy nie oor selfkennis met betrekking tot jou eie-waarde beskik nie en nie selfbeheersing kan toepas nie.

It Is Never Too Late But Do It Before It Is Too Late

Tue, 28 Apr 2020 13:37:06 GMT

A lot of irony can be found in this one sentence. Life sometimes works this way and irony can be found in everything around us. It often takes sadness to know happiness, noise to appreciate silence, loss to appreciate what you had or absence to appreciate presence.

Do it before it is too late! What is it about these words that causes us to subconsciously feel anxious? I remember when I was still a child and we went to visit some friends, my mom often uttered the words “go and play some more before it is too late, we almost have to leave”. As soon as I heard these words I ran as fast as my legs could carry me in order to make the best of the last few minutes I have left to play with my friends. I had this subconscious fear of missing out as soon as this ultimatum was posed to me and so I made sure I played my heart out.

As adults we are also continuously confronted with the fact that we have to do something before it is too late. We do however not seize these moments with the energy of a little child. Something has changed, we don’t recognise the seriousness of these comments anymore. As adults we often choose to settle for the opposite of this statement which says that “it is never too later” and we soothe ourselves by thinking about the fact that tomorrow is another day.

We seem to forget that what we do today will determine where we will be tomorrow. I still believe that it is never too late but I am also a firm believer of the fact that you should do it before it is too late. But if I can choose, I will rather be the child running towards opportunity and making the best of it. Life is happening right now and to keep on waiting for something can easily become a habit. Nobody feels motivated to do something positive every second of their lives but remember that despite a lack of motivation you can still choose to be disciplined. When you wish to achieve something or change something about your behaviour the right moment to start doing it is always the moment you are in right now. It truly is never too late, but do it before it is.

Help Jou Kind Om Te Leer Uit Hul Pyn!

Tue, 21 Apr 2020 04:02:51 GMT

Wanneer ons kinders seerkry dan is ons eerste reaksie daarop om te troos, om raad te gee of om die situasie te probeer verander. Hoeveel keer veroorsaak ons dat ons kinders uitmis op waardevolle groeigeleenthede omdat ons hulle net altyd probeer red. Hoeveel keer ontneem ons hulle gevolglik van ongelooflike groei geleenthede.

Ons word deur talle motiveringsboeke en selfs deur onderwysers op skool aangemoedig om ‘n 5 jaar en uiteindelik ‘n 10 jaar plan vir onsself op te stel. Die tipiese uiteensetting van so ‘n plan sal insluit wat jy as mens wil bereik in die lewe, watter beroep jy wil navolg en watter kennis jy wil opbou. Soveel mense bereik nooit hierdie doelwitte nie omdat hul die reis aanpak deur al hul bagasie van die verlede en vooropgestelde opinies saam te dra en streef om ‘n wêreld gedefinieerde bestemmings te wil bereik. As jou plan vir jou lewe nie gefokus is op persoonlike ontwikkeling van jou as mens wat insluit, jou denkwyses, emosionele intelligensie en die belangrikste, jou geloof, sal jy maklik mismoedig raak en dalk nooit hierdie doelwitte bereik nie.

Dink bietjie aan die lewenservaring wat jy al tot dusver opgedoen het. Ek is seker jy sal met my saamstem dat negatiewe dinge in jou lewe van die waardevolste lewenslesse aan jou gebied het. Talle mense maak die fout om hul eie-waarde te definieer aan die hand van slegte ervaringe. Elke fout wat jy maak, bied egter ŉ groeigeleentheid, welke groei slegs kan plaasvind indien jy doelbewus kies om volgende keer nie weer dieselfde fout te maak nie en ook om te leer uit jou seerkry.

Jy is nie ‘n mislukking net omdat jy al met iets misluk het nie. Die Psigoloog Dr. Joyce Brothers het gesê: “ Iemand wat geïnteresseerd is in sukses, moet leer om mislukkings te beskou as ŉ gesonde, onvermydelike deel van die proses om bo uit te kom .” Die geheim van enige suksesverhaal lê daarin om ten spyte van wat gebeur, nooit op te gee nie.

Dit is belangrik om in ag te neem dat wanneer jy iets in jou lewe identifiseer wat jy wil verander, dat jy altyd by jouself moet begin. Talle mense maak die fout om te dink dat hul eerstens hul omstandighede moet verander terwyl, in werklikheid jy as mens eers moet verander voor jou omstandighede hoegenaamd sal verander. Die grootste deel van die mens se leefwêreld bestaan in sy/haar eie gedagtes. Dit is juis wanneer ons kies om op te hou groei of om nie ons gedagtes te verander na ŉ meer positiewe en hoopvolle ingesteldheid nie, wat die lewe baie moeilik en uitdagend raak.

Ek kies om my kind toe te laat om te misluk. Ek kies om hom toe te laat om soms te worstel met die stukkies van sy lewenslegkaart en om dit self te probeer aan mekaar te sit. Ek kies egter ook om seker te maak hy weet dat ek nogsteeds altyd daar is vir hom.

We Gather Strength As We Go!

Wed, 15 Apr 2020 12:51:34 GMT

“ Vires acquirit eundo ” – We Gather Strength As We Go!

You answer the question “what is the meaning of life” through every action you take, small or big. Self-absorbed individuals with delusions of grandeur find themselves in a job or moment in their life which they see as something which they are way to good for. When taking action toward doing the small things and taking pride in them, vanity falls away. It is the way you react to the small things in life and the way you deal with them which directly reflects how you will one day deal with the bigger things in your life.

Friedrich Nietzsche had a very intriguing enthusiasm toward a concept which he called “amor fati”. In Latin this phrase means “a love of one’s fate”. This basically means that you be resolute, enthusiastic and even accepting toward everything that happens in your life. Surely it is not possible to wake up one day and suddenly deal with all forms of adversity as if it was nothing. As a human being we will always have a certain collection of emotions and in some instances, we will still be at the mercy of these emotions. One cannot simply see certain forms of trauma as something that will just pass. But maybe if we find the strength to find a healthy way to live with these forms of pain, one might be surprised by the growth it still causes. There is a saying in Latin: “Vires acquirit eundo” which means “we gather strength as we go”. Maybe then patience is the virtue we need to add to the skills we need acquire from our adversity.

The list of people who only became the Iron Lady or Iron man they were meant to be while they were much older tells of this truth. Some of these people include Margaret Thatcher, Susan Boyle, Samuel L. Jackson and Henry Ford. Being able to control the way we react toward adversity will just like any other action require us to build our muscle memory in this regards. Muscle memory requires repetition.

We try so hard to control our emotions or feelings when in actual fact, what we should be controlling is the symptoms thereof. What is the symptoms of your feelings of anger, sadness, disgust or disappointment? Is this not where the actions you take after feeling such emotions derive from. If we cannot treat these symptoms it very often causes us to take the wrong action in order to silence the overwhelming effect of some of these emotions.

The thoughts we think after feeling certain emotions are also sometimes consciously malevolent. These kind of thoughts only amplify our suffering. The wrong thoughts causes us to ask the wrong questions. The cycle gets more messed up when we answer these wrong questions with the wrong answers. We then use these answers to try and seek a solution to end our suffering. The problem however remains that these answers we give is not merely or at all related to the solution we are seeking. It is devastating to experience intense forms of trauma. I will even go as far as to say that the emotional turmoil experienced during such events has too much variety to be shoehorned into a bunch of universal emotional fingerprints. No-one has the right to decide how you feel after such instances. But no-one can understand your internal turmoil better than you. Choose to deal with these feelings effectively, with expectation and the courage to come out better and stronger.

Throughout the journey of overcoming certain obstacles we are also afforded the opportunity to create meaning aligned with concrete and moral personal values. These personal beliefs and values cannot be generated by drafting a list and trying to dedicate your life to it. It needs to be understood and felt in context, its value needs to be appreciated. You have to choose to live the life you wish to live. This is all part of meaning and meaning is what makes the suffering worthwhile. It is during the moments in which we are brave enough to acknowledge our flaws and shortcomings where our biggest strengths can be discovered.

This path of healing aimed at peeling away the deepest layers of who you are and facing the parts of you which you do not wish to face is never easy. That is also why this path is seldom treat upon. Most things in life works this way.

'n Brief van 'n Opvoedkundige Sielkundige + Speletjie

Thu, 02 Apr 2020 07:02:48 GMT

Liewe ouers

Hierdie is sommer ‘n geselsbrief, ‘n idees deel- ouers brief en ‘n speletjie vir ‘n ouer en kind.

Dit wat ons nou beleef is nuut en onseker en hierdie onsekerheid by kinders lei na nuwe vrae, vrees, angstigheid en dikwels ook paniek. Om ingeperk te wees in ‘n huis waar roetines omvergegooi is deur skoolsluiting, ouers wat nie by die werk is nie en kosaankope waarvoor beplan moet word, bring vrae soos “wat as” “hoekom “ “gaan dit verbygaan ” “tot wanneer “en “gaan ons siek word na vore?

Ouers voel angstig want selfs ons kan nie al die vrae antwoord nie en kinders voel die onsekerheid en angstigheid van hul ouers aan.

Maar hoe bly ‘n mens dan kalm en veerkragtig in ‘n tyd waar jy as volwasse self wonder of jy vir jou gesin en mense wat in jou huis werk, finansieël gaan kan dra, of jy jou werk gaan behou, en of jy jou kind sal kan help om sy skoolwerk op datum te hou?

Die ou bekende woorde van, ons kan net beheer, wat ons kan beheer, is egter nou so belangrik. Wanneer ons onder baie druk en stres is, is die emosionele deel van ons brein geneig om te wil beheer en sukkel ons om staande te bly en rasioneel te bly dink.

Hoe ons die situasie om ons gaan interpreteer word bepaal deur die hoeveelheid druk of angstigheid wat ons emosioneel en fisies ervaar. Te veelstres kan ons angstig laat voel, ons slaappatrone aantas en selfs lei tot depressie. Daar word ook gesê dat te veel stres tot swakker immuniteit kan lei, jou geheue aantas en self jou bloeddruk laat styg. Verder mag jy dalk minder geduld toon, vinniger kwaad word of impulsief reageer.

Ons is ook meer angstig omdat ons gebombardeer word met nuwe inligting oor ‘n nuwe onbekende virus, waarvoor daar nog geen oplossing is nie. Mites en onwaarhede maak ons nog meer onseker en daarby word ons ook toegegooi onder nuwe reëls van wat ons mag en nie mag doen nie.

Ons is onseker as ons hoor hoe mense gestraf kan word wat reëls oortree, of selfs siek kan word as hulle nie goeie higiëniese gewoontes nakom nie. Gesprekke hieroor word in die huis gevoer en veral jonger kinders wat nie alles verstaan nie, voel dan makliker angstig en onseker, en daarom sukkel hul meer met emosionele regulering van hul gedrag.

Kinders hoor en luister na dit wat ouers oor gesels. Hulle hoor dat getalle elke dag toeneem en dat daar mense is wat doodgaan. Hulle raak dan self angstig en selfs bekommerd en bang dat hulle, of iemand naby hul sal siek word en doodgaan of dat hulle in afsondering en kwarantyn geplaas kan word sonder hul ouers.

Wat is dan belangrik?

Maak seker dat ‘n mens die regte inligting en feite oor die virus het en weet wat die simptome is, bv. COVID-19 ’n respiratoriese infeksie met ‘n droë hoes, seer keel, koors en moontlike asemhalingsnood.

Volg ‘n meer analitiese benadering deur selektief te wees met inligting wat jy ontvang. Wanneer ‘n mens akkurate inligting met ander, ook jou kinders deel, help dit mense om minder in vrees te lewe.

Vrees, onsekerhede en angs, rakende ‘n siekte, kan emosioneel oorweldigend vir volwassenes en kinders wees. Vrees maak ook dat mense meer oop is vir vals inligting en alhoewel angs en vrees ook ‘n beskermingsmeganisme is, moet dit nie oorgaan van “helpful” na “harmful” nie.

Onsekerheid in die vreemde tyd mag kinders huilerig maak en hul slaappatrone versteur. Ander word dalk wakker in die nag of kry nagmerries. Verkeerde eetgewoontes word in die tyd vasgelê want sommiges is emosionele eters. Broers en susters baklei, tree impulsief op en ouers voel magteloos.

So wat kan ons dan beheer? Hoe kan ons, ons kinders veiliger laat voel in die tyd;

Beheer die roetine in jou huis en sorg daarmee saam vir genoeg vrye tyd waar kinders spontaan kan speel en sommer net “wees”,

Gee vir elke gesinslid ‘n verantwoordelikheid om na te kom en maak jou kinders deel van daaglikse take wat jul saam kan aanpak.

Maak seker dat veral jou hoërskoolkind sy verantwoordelikheid teenoor sy skoolwerk nakom. Dit is nie nou die tyd om uit te stel nie. Verantwoordelike tieners word verantwoordelike volwassenes en landsburgers. Onthou dat kinders van data gaan gebruik maak en maak seker dat jou kind aanlyn kan inskakel by sy skoolwerk.

Kinders hoef nie verveeld te wees nie en daarom is dit is belangrik dat kinders leer om hulself te kan besig hou. Netsoos ons ook tyd wil maak om as gesin saam dinge aan te pak, is dit netso belangrik dat elkeen ook onafhanklik van die ander in die gesin moet kan funksioneer. Maak dus tyd vir “selfdoen.” Wanneer ‘n kind ook weet dat daar ‘n bepaalde doel is met afsondering is dit ook makliker om verveling te oorkom.

Wees geduldig met meer “skermtyd”,maar maak seker dat jou kind ook fisiese aktiwiteite aanpak. Moenie vergeet om seker te maak dat jou kind “veilig” aanlyn is nie.

Baie ouers gaan van die huis af steeds hul werk verrig en jou kind moet weet wat jy van hom verwag in die tyd. Dalk kan julle ‘n gesamentlike werkroetine skep sodat dit stil is wanneer jy wil werk.

Maak tyd vir aktiwiteite wat ontspannend en lekker is. Bak en brou en maak saam kos. Om in die kombuis saam te werfskaf gee geleentheid vir gesels en binding met ons kinders. Kosmaak kan pret wees en veral kleiner kinders kan speel hulle is die gasheer van ‘n TV- kosproduksie of deesdae se gewilde Masterchef. Kosmaak is ook ‘n “hier en nou” ‘n “mindful”, bewustelike proses wat kan help om ons meer ontspanne te maak.

Vir jonger kinders kan hindernisbane in die huis of buite gebou word. Wat is lekkerder as huis- huis speel met komberse en lappe onder die eetkamertafel? Miskien is dit juis tyd dat die innerlike kindwees in ons weer na vore kom as ons hierdie tyd gebruik om nie net bordspeletjies, maar ook kreatiewe en verbeeldingspeletjies met ons kinders te speel. Verbeelding en kreatiwiteit kan ons eie stres minder maak.

Ons kan nie alles kontroleer wat ons kinders oor die impak van Covid-19 by hulle vriende hoor of op die media lees nie. Nie alle nuus is waar nie en daarom is dit belangrik dat ons met hulle bespreek wat hulle gehoor het, sonder om, vir kleiner kinders, oormatige detail te gee wat hulle net kan ontstel. Bespreek basiese feite en higiëne en wys op julle positiewe hantering van situasies, ook hoe jul as gesin beheer neem. Onthou om verduidelikings en feite vir veral jonger kinders konkreet en eenvoudig te maak. Moenie onnodige inligting gee wat hul nie kan verstaan en voor gevra het nie.

Die tyd is ‘n geleentheid om ons kinders se probleemoplossingsvaardighede te ontwikkel . Waardeer hul perspektief van dinge en weet dat elke donker wolk ‘n silwer randjie het. Deur vir ons kinders te leer hoe om probleme en moeilike situasies te hanteer en oplossings binne hul beheer te vind, leer ons hulle om onafhanklik van ons te raak. Hulle besef dat negatiewe ervarings en mislukking deel van normale lewenswyses is. Wanneer mense leer om stresvolle situasies te kan beheer, maak dit nie net gesinne sterker nie maar ook die gemeenskap waarbinne ons leef.

Lag saam met jou kinders. Probeer negatiewe gedagtes met positiewe gedagtes vervang. Spreek liefde en seën oor jou gesin toe. Belê in jou kinders se welsyn en geestesgesondheid deur elke dag iets positief saam met hulle te doen.

Moedig kinders aan om fantasie-speletjies te speel aangesien dit kreatiwiteit bevorder. Gebruik die tyd saam om kreatiewe idees tot uitvoer te bring. Kreatiwiteit sluit in vernuwing/ontdekking/skeppend/“iets” wat uit “niks” na vore gebring word/Verandering/oorspronklikheid /moontlikhede/vervulling/ bevredigende ervaring/sukses.

Ek heg daarom vir jul as gesin ‘n speletjie aan wat ek sommer saamgestel het om te kan druk. Jy het ‘n dobbelsteen, ‘n papier en merkers vir elke persoon nodig. Die speletjie kan kreatiewe denke aanwakker, help met probleemoplossing, humor ontlok en geleentheid vir die oopstelling van self en emosies bevorder. Dit is ook nie net vir jonger kinders nie, glo my, as ek so gereeld saam met die kinders in praktyk speel, leer ek baie keer van myself en reflekteer ek dikwels oor “hoekom”ek so en so doen, dink en antwoord. Lekker speel, maak die kind in jou wakker en sien sommer hoe ‘n mens begin ontspan.

Easy Christmas jellies

Fri, 06 Dec 2019 08:42:49 GMT

These Christmas-themed jellies make a yummy festive end to Christmas dinner for the kids - or change the colours to make a dessert for any other time of year! Get the kids to help you make the jelly - just start two days before you want to serve them so they have time to set.

Ingredients

1 packet of raspberry jelly

1 packet of passionfruit jelly

1 packet of lime jelly

Fresh berries or Christmas lollies to decorate

Method

Prepare red jelly and pour 1/4 cup into each cup, refrigerate until set (will take about 4-6 hours).
Prepare yellow jelly, allow to cool and pour 1/4 cup gently on top of red jelly, return to fridge until set.
Prepare green jelly, allow to cool and pour 1/4 cup gently on top of yellow jelly, return to fridge until set. Just before serving, decorate with berries or lollies.

Equipment

8 small glasses or plastic cups

Notes

This recipe does need to be started two days before needed to allow for setting times.
Mix and match jelly colours as with Christmas or from your children's favourites.
Be careful with the boiling water. Try dissolving the jelly crystals in 250mL of boiling water and then top up to 500mL with cold water. Then you can rest easy as the kids take over the stirring.
This recipe was created by Melissa Hughes for Kidspot, Australia’s best recipe finder.
Use 8 small glasses or plastic cups, and berries or Christmas lollies.

Christmas sandwiches

Fri, 06 Dec 2019 08:39:22 GMT

It's Christmas and your fussy tot refuses to eat the roast turkey you've been slaving over - what do you do? Why you throw together one of these Christmas-themed mixed sandwiches of course! Just watch them guzzle down one of these cute sambos!

Ingredients

4 slices fresh bread

1 tsp peanut butter

1/4 small banana, mashed

1 tsp avocado

1 tsp cream cheese

1 tbs grated apple

2 slices cheddar or tasty cheese

Method

On one piece of bread spread the peanut butter, followed by the mashed banana. Press closed with a second piece of bread. Cut out sandwich shapes using a cookie cutter and arrange on a plate.
On another piece of bread spread the avocado, cream cheese and grated apple. Press closed with a second piece of bread and again use cookie cutters to stamp out a shape.
Stamp out more Christmas shapes from slices of cheese, then scatter over sandwiches and serve.

Equipment

Christmas tree cookie cutter

Notes

Use bread that is as fresh as possible to make the shapes easier to cut out.
Try different fillings to expand your kids' tastes: Vegemite, cream cheese and lettuce OR cream cheese, sultanas and grated carrot OR ham, cheese and sweet beetroot relish.
If you're looking for a traditional Christmas cake recipe then this Christmas fruit cake will do the trick.
You can make this Christmas shortbread if you really like Christmas baking.
If you like chocolate then these Christmas tree brownies are a delicious Christmas table treat.
If you want a Christmas savoury treat then this Christmas tree pizza is an easy dinner with party pizazz.
If you need a plate to take along to a Christmas party then this Christmas tree cheese platter is perfect.
You can make this cute Christmas Yule log for your Christmas table and your guests won't even know it's a cheaty trick recipe.
You can take this Cupcake Christmas tree to your Christmas party. It is super easy.
You can make these Christmas gingerbread families if you love gingerbread. You can get the kids to help you decorate them.
These Christmas Royals are made from store-bought biscuits withh added touches to make them Christmassy.
If you need something cool you can make these Christmas angel ice creams for the kids.
This recipe was created by Jodie Clarke for Kidspot, Australia's best recipe finder.

20 Tips for Parents From Preschool Teachers

Fri, 06 Dec 2019 08:33:03 GMT

Five teachers with a combined 90 years of experience share tips for parents of 2- to 5-year-olds.

Getting the Best from Your Child

I worry that my 3-year-old, Sophie, has a split personality. At school she cleans up her toys, puts on her shoes, and is entirely self-sufficient at potty time. At home, she whines whenever I ask her to pick up anything, insists I join her in the bathroom whenever she has to go, and lately has started demanding that I spoon-feed her dinner. Clearly, her teacher knows something I don't.

But then, what parent hasn't occasionally wondered: Why is my child better for everyone else than for me? The simple answer: Your child tests her limits with you because she trusts you will love her no matter what. But that doesn't mean you can't borrow a few strategies from the preschool teachers' playbook to get the best from your child. We asked educators from around the country for their tips so listen up -- and take notes!

Promoting Independence

While 3- and 4-year-olds still need plenty of parental help, our preschool experts agree that kids are typically able to do more than many of us think. Here's how you can encourage them:

1. Expect more. Most people have a way of living up (or down) to expectations -- preschoolers included. "At school we expect the kids to pour their own water at snack, to throw away their plates, to hang up their jackets -- and they do," says Jennifer Zebooker, a teacher at the 92nd Street Y Nursery School, in New York City. "But then they'll walk out of the classroom and the thumb goes in the mouth and they climb into strollers." Raise the bar and your child will probably stretch to meet it.

2. Resist doing for her what she can do herself. While it may be quicker and easier to do it yourself, it won't help to make your child more self-sufficient. Quick hint: Appeal to her sense of pride, suggests Donna Jones, a preschool teacher at Southern Oregon University's Schneider Children's Center in Ashland, Oregon. "Whenever I'm trying to get kids to dress, put jackets on, sit on chairs during meals and so on, I'll ask them: 'Do you want me to help you or can you do it yourself?' Those words are like magic," promises Jones. "The kids always want to do it for themselves."

3. Don't redo what they've done. If your child makes her bed, resist the urge to smooth the blankets. If she dresses herself in stripes and polka dots, compliment her "eclectic" style. Unless absolutely necessary, don't fix what your child accomplishes, says Kathy Buss, director of the Weekday Nursery School, in Morrisville, Pennsylvania. She will notice and it may discourage her.

4. Let them solve simple problems. If you see your child trying to assemble a toy or get a book from a shelf that she can reach if she stands on her stepstool, pause before racing over to help. "Provided that they are safe, those moments when you don't rush in, when you give children a moment to solve things for themselves, those are the character-building moments," says Zebooker. "It's natural to want to make everything perfect, but if we do, we cheat kids of the chance to experience success."

5. Assign a chore. Putting your preschooler in charge of a regular, simple task will build her confidence and sense of competency, says Buss. A child who is entrusted to water the plants or empty the clothes dryer is likely to believe she can also get dressed herself or pour her own cereal. Just be sure the chore you assign is manageable and that it's real work, not busywork, since even preschoolers know the difference. The goal is to make your child feel like a capable, contributing member of the family.

Winning Cooperation

Walk into almost any preschool class in the country, and you'll see children sitting quietly in circles, forming orderly lines, raising their hands to speak, passing out napkins and snacks. The question is: How do teachers do it? How do they get a dozen or more children under 4 to cooperate, willingly and happily? While there's no secret formula, most say:

6. Praise is key, especially if your child is not in a cooperative phase. Try to catch her being good. Kids repeat behaviors that get attention.

7. Develop predictable routines. Kids cooperate in school because they know what's expected of them, says Beth Cohen-Dorfman, educational coordinator at Chicago's Concordia Avondale Campus preschool. "The children follow essentially the same routine day after day, so they quickly learn what they are supposed to be doing, and after a while barely need reminding." While it would be impractical to have the same level of structure at home, the more consistent you are, the more cooperative your child is likely to be, suggests Cohen-Dorfman. Decide on a few routines and stick to them: Everyone gets dressed before breakfast. When we come in from outside, we wash our hands. No bedtime stories until all kids are in jammies. Eventually, following these "house rules" will become second nature to your child.

8. Lighten up. If your child refuses to do something, try turning it into a game. "Humor and games are two great tools that parents sometimes forget about in the heat of the moment," says Zebooker. When her own son, now 13, was in preschool, she used to persuade him to put his shoes on in the morning by playing shoe store. "I would say, 'Welcome to Miss Mommy's Shoe Store, I've got the perfect pair for you to try on today,' and I'd speak in a silly accent and he loved it." (I've had luck using this strategy with Sophie, who used to clamp her mouth shut whenever I tried to brush her teeth. Now we play the "Let's Guess What You Ate Today" game -- and she willingly opens up so I can search her molars for cereal, strawberries, or mac and cheese.)

9. Warn of transitions. If your child pitches a fit whenever you announce it's time to switch gears --whether that means shutting off the TV, stopping play to come eat, or leaving a friend's house -- it could be that you're not giving enough advance notice. "At school we let kids know when transitions are coming so they have time to finish whatever they're doing," observes Cohen-Dorfman. "If you need to leave the house at 8:30 a.m., warn your child at 8:15 that she's five more minutes to play, then will have to stop to put her toys away. Set a timer so she knows when the time is up."

10. Use sticker charts and rewards judiciously. "If your child is always working for the reward, he won't learn the real reasons for doing things -- that he should pick up his toys because family members pitch in," says Buss. Best bet: Reserve rewards for finite endeavors, such as potty training, but avoid offering them for everyday things, such as dressing himself or brushing his teeth.

11. Give structured choices. If, for example, your 3-year-old refuses to sit at the dinner table, you might offer the choice of sitting and getting dessert -- or not sitting and missing out on a treat. "At first, your child may not make the right choice, but eventually he will, because he'll see that the wrong choice isn't getting him what he wants," says Buss. Just be sure, if you want your child to choose option A, that option B is less attractive.

12 No ifs. Make requests in language that assumes cooperation. "If you finish putting away your crayons, we can go to the park," suggests that perhaps your child won't clean up his crayons. Try instead: "When you put your crayons away, we'll go to the park."

13. Prioritize play. Preschool teachers said over and over that kids today are less able to play imaginatively than kids of a decade or two ago. "Too much of their day is structured in supervised activities," says Haines. The antidote: Get comfortable saying "Go play." It's not your job to see that your child is entertained 24/7. Let her get a little bored. But make sure she has items like dress-up clothes, paint and paper, a big cardboard box, and play dough.

14. Do it to music. There's a reason the "cleanup" song works. "Set a task to music, and suddenly it's fun," says Sandy Haines, a teacher at the Buckingham Cooperative Nursery School, in Glastonbury, Connecticut. If you're not feeling creative, suggest "racing" a song: "Can you get dressed before Raffi finishes singing 'Yellow Submarine'?"

15. Encourage teamwork . If your child is fighting over a toy with another child, set a timer for five minutes, suggests Buss. Tell one child he can have the toy until he hears the buzzer, and then it will be the other child's turn.

16. Let your child work out minor squabbles. Instead of swooping in to settle disputes, stand back and let them work it out (unless they're hitting each other). You won't always be there to rescue your child.

Disciplining Effectively

It struck me recently that I've never met a parent who doesn't use time-outs, and never met a preschool teacher who does. So what discipline strategies do teachers recommend?

17. Redirect. If your preschooler is jumping on the couch or grabbing for her big sister's dolls, distract her by asking if she'd like to draw a picture or read a short story together.

18. Prevent good-bye meltdowns. If your child is nervous about spending time apart, give him something tangible to remind him of you. Let him carry your picture; kiss a tissue or cut out a paper heart and put it in his pocket. Having something physical to touch may help him feel less anxious -- and short-circuit a tantrum.

19. Involve her in righting her wrongs. If you find her coloring on the walls, have her help wash it off. If she knocks over a playmate's block tower, ask her to help rebuild it.

20. Don't delay discipline. If you must reprimand your child, do so when you see her misbehaving, advises Buss. "Sometimes I will hear parents say, 'Wait until we get home ... ,' but by the time you're home, your child has forgotten the incident." Similarly, canceling Saturday's zoo trip because of Thursday's tantrum won't prevent future outbursts; it will just feel like random, undeserved punishment to your child.

Original post by Maguerite Lamb on Parents.com

Why parents should be concerned about their kids’ ‘EQ,’ not just their IQ

Fri, 06 Dec 2019 08:24:22 GMT

Parents worn down by the torrent of brainy books and blogs on child rearing may be tempted to focus on the most proven, pragmatic basics. But they shouldn’t shy away from the concept of emotional intelligence, even if it sounds a bit touchy-feely. Experts say enhancing “EQ” may be a fundamental way to boost a child’s happiness and success, and parents can do quite a bit to promote it.

Our emotional intelligence, as opposed to our intelligence quotient or IQ, is the ability to identify our feelings and emotional responses, regulate them, and empathize with others’ feelings, says Marc Brackett, the founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and the author of a new book on the subject.

He says we’ve long underestimated and ignored EQ, especially in kids, instead focusing on academic success and testing them to measure it. Meanwhile, their emotional skills and well-being have fallen by the wayside. But he and other advocates say building emotional intelligence is a straightforward way to enhance physical and mental health, memory, decision-making, relationships, creativity, grades and job performance. And he thinks we’re catching on. The skills are being taught in many schools, typically under the title of social-emotional learning, which broadens it to include things like decision-making and communications.

Betsy Dodson of Bethesda, Md., is the parent of a 10-year-old and a 14-year-old and says that parents wrongly assume that these skills are thoroughly taught in school and their kids are covered. She says the skills should be reinforced at home, even by something as simple as encouraging children to be helpful and respectful, and by praising that behavior.

“I always expected them to say ‘thank you’ to a server at a restaurant and write thank you cards to teachers each year and clean up toys at a friend’s house after a playdate. Being respectful and appropriate comes from understanding that those around you have needs, too, that you should consider when making decisions about how to act.”

Adults noticed, she says, and complimented her and her children, and she also saw that their “EQ” paid off with peers. “It didn’t happen overnight, but it did happen.”

Here are some other ways parents can boost their child’s EQ.

Point it out. To help them understand EQ, parents should assess their child’s skills and help them understand what they need to work on. A child might misread situations and people, for instance, Brackett says, or have difficulty controlling emotions. Or they may have strengths in those areas that a parent can help them understand.

“Kids with high levels of emotional intelligence communicate more clearly, take turns and share, focus on resolving problems and understand other kids’ feelings,” says Sinead Smyth, a therapist at the East Bay Relationship Center in Alameda, Calif. Smyth is also affiliated with the Gottman Institute, an organization that studies — and works to support — relationships.

She says children with high EQs are better able to control inappropriate behavior and delay gratification, and they know when to seek help with a difficult social situation or emotional problem, and how to work through it. Parents can point out strengths and weaknesses in those areas, too.

In middle school, where social influence is powerful and emotions are erratic, EQ might be as simple as the ability to navigate each day calmly with resilience. But Erika Huck, the head of counseling at Pyle Middle School in Montgomery County, Md., says it’s important for kids to also show empathy.

“Part of adolescence is being self-centered and impulsive, but at this age they should regulate themselves and consider other points of view.”

In high school, kids become increasingly able to handle more complex social settings and make sometimes startling jumps in confidence and emotional maturity.

“As they mature, they should know and label what they’re feeling, tolerate difficult emotions, read social cues and cope better with the ups and downs of life,” Smyth says, noting that individual strengths and weaknesses will differ.

Explain it. Brackett says parents should gain some understanding of their own EQ and work to improve it. They need to be willing to describe their shortcomings with their children.

Smyth also notes that pointing out examples of high and low EQ in books or television shows is a good way to get young people to understand it. She works with a parent who guides their children to accurately identify and label negative feelings and their causes, then helps them find positive solutions.

Empathy is critical and sometimes difficult to explain, Brackett says, but children can learn to be aware of others’ feelings. If a child has a conflict, a parent can ask them to consider how it made the other child feel, even considering body language and facial expressions.

Show your stuff. “Be a good role model,” Brackett says. “If you are telling your kid to take a breath when they are angry, but you aren’t regulating your own emotions with them, you won’t be very effective.” He suggests that parents point out when they themselves have acted improperly or were angry or sad, and how they handled it, including examples from interactions with the child.

“A parent might not talk about how they were bullied as a kid because it would show they were weak,” Brackett says. “Feeling sad is seen as weak. But life is replete with those feelings and a child should understand that.”

Huck suggests parents work with children on a service project to emphasize empathy in a new and perhaps challenging atmosphere, and give them a chance to see others, including their parents, collaborate.

Apply it in daily life. Using teachable moments may be the best way to help young people identify, label and understand emotions and heighten their EQ, Brackett says.

“If a child comes home from school in an angry mood, it is all too tempting to ask them why,” he adds. “They will then give a surly, uninformative response, which will trigger an equally defensive and unsympathetic reaction. In no time, both parties will be yelling at one another.”

Instead, Brackett says, a parent should calmly ask their child what happened and encourage the child to explain how they are feeling. Be patient and persistent, but give them space if they need it.

“Once you know whether it’s frustration or disappointment or anger, and the reason for that feeling, you can figure out how to support them,” he says. “Getting to the specificity of a feeling provides an opportunity. And once students learn how to identify, name and regulate their feelings, they become better, happier students.”

Teach them to keep their feelings in check. The Gottman Institute emphasizes that emotional regulation is important and children need to take responsibility for it.

“With the best of intentions, we don’t want our kids to feel sad or upset, and can be quick to jump in and offer advice. That implies they can’t figure it out themselves,” Smyth says. “Instead, be an ally, listen, empathize, communicate confidence in your child's ability to deal with the situation. Offer help brainstorming.”

She says we may believe our own parents were dismissive of feelings or critical and disapproving of negative emotion, so we overcompensate.

“We give them lots of acceptance and empathy when they feel sad or upset, believing this will teach them to manage their emotions,” Smyth says. “That’s only part of what they need. Kids that have high EQ have been given problem-solving guidance and faced limits with behavior, and developed resilience and tolerance as a result.”

Original Post by James Paterson on Washington Post

How To Help Children Handle Grief After The Death Of A Parent

Fri, 06 Dec 2019 08:15:36 GMT

Losing a parent feels insurmountable at any age. Our series helps you face it ― from the practical logistics to the existential questions about death and dying today.

No matter how old you are, the death of a family member can bring up a range of difficult and often overwhelming emotions: shock, deep sadness, confusion, anxiousness and anger, just to name a few.

For bereaved children dealing with the loss of an important figure like a parent, these intense feelings can be particularly hard to process. Kids need their surviving parent, caregivers or the other trusted adults in their lives to help them navigate the murky waters of grief.

We asked grief therapists and counselors to share what a parent can do to lovingly support a young child after the other parent has died.

How To Talk About The Death With Your Child

Death is a challenging subject to discuss with anyone, let alone a child. But sugarcoating it or avoiding the topic as a way to protect your kid can do more harm than good, experts say. Here’s how to handle it:

Language matters, so be aware of the words you choose.

Avoid the urge, however well-intentioned, to use euphemisms to explain the death. You may think telling your kid, “We lost Mommy” or “Daddy is sleeping” will soften the blow, but this approach can be confusing to children, who tend to take things literally.

“I can recall a teen recounting to me how her family handled a significant death years before. There was a period in time that she was scared to go to sleep when she was young, because a part of her feared that what if she, too, never woke up,” said Kate Zera Kray, a social worker and psychotherapist who specializes in grief.

Instead, stick to simple and direct language. Don’t be afraid to use words like “died” and “killed,” even if they seem harsh.

With younger kids, you can also say something like, “Daddy’s heart stopped beating,” and emphasize how we need our hearts to work in order to stay alive, said Judy Schiffman, a licensed clinical social worker and director of the Barr-Harris Children’s Grief Center.

Be honest about the nature of the death while taking your child’s age into account.

You want to be as straightforward as possible about how their parent died, but only to a degree that’s appropriate for your child’s age and developmental stage. Going into too much detail can overwhelm a younger mind, so keep your explanations truthful but brief.

“Hiding the truth can cause mistrust later as children learn more about the death,” said Ellen Roese, a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in grief.

Note that younger kids — like those in the 3-to 5-year-old range — may have trouble grasping the permanence of death. “They will say Daddy is gone and an hour later wait at the window for Daddy to come home,” Schiffman said.

Kids around this age also have what’s called “magical thinking” ― so they may believe they’re somehow responsible for their parent’s death because of something they said, thought or did, or that the parent can be brought back to life.

“Reassure them that they did not cause the death and it is not some form of punishment,” Roese said.

Encourage your child to ask questions about the death.

Letting your kid know it’s OK if they have questions about what happened to their parent will help ensure that death doesn’t become a taboo subject in your house. And what your child asks may give you insight into how they’re dealing with things.

“Adults assume they know what their kids are thinking or afraid about and it’s often quite surprising,” Roese said. “Just listen, listen, listen.”

What You Need To Know To Help Your Child Grieve

Guiding your child through their grief while you’re grieving yourself can be difficult, to say the least. The therapist-backed advice below will better prepare you to handle the challenges that come your way.

Allow your kids to attend the funeral — if they want to.

You should never force your child to go to the wake, funeral or burial of a parent. That said, if they want to go, let them, said Schiffman. Giving your child the option to have that closure, if they want it, can be valuable in their healing. But make sure you prepare them beforehand for what they might see or hear if they decide to attend, like an open-casket viewing, for example.

If they want to be there, arrange for a person they’re comfortable with to accompany them to the service, as you will likely be too distracted to give them the attention they need, Schiffman said. And if the child says they want to leave or take a break at any point, allow them to do so.

Afterwards, expect that your child may ask you questions like, “Why is Mommy in the ground if she has gone to heaven?”

“Religion can dictate a response,” Schiffman said. “Or one way to answer is to say, ‘Mommy’s soul, her love of you, has gone to heaven but her body remains in the ground.’”

Know that children grieve differently than adults.

So try not to jump to conclusions about what your kid is — or isn’t — feeling. For example, grieving in bursts is totally normal for kids, even though it may seem odd to the parent.

“[Children] have a limited tolerance for pain,” Roese said. “They will take breaks in their grief and laugh and play. Adults do not usually do this and thus they assume their children are not grieving when they are.”

What’s more, grief is a very individual process, so even kids in the same family may be affected by the death in different ways, Kray said.

“When I have worked with multiple family members who are grieving the same person, I see the relationship and nuances and how vastly one sibling’s coping and processing can differ from the next,” she said. “Different approaches may not be understood, but ideally, they would be respected and welcomed.”

Ask them open-ended questions about how they’re doing and really listen to their answers.

For example, “How was it going back to school after the funeral?”; or, “How did it feel when your friend made that comment about you ‘not having a mom anymore?’” Kray suggested.

And if your child says they don’t feel like talking about Mom or Dad at the moment, try to be understanding of that.

“Respect [their] boundaries,” Kray said. “Extra credit for not taking them personally.”

It’s OK for your kid to see you sad sometimes.

Don’t feel pressured to disguise your feelings and “be strong” for your children all the time. You’re also going through an intensely stressful and emotional period so it’s only natural that you’d be upset.

“Do not hide your own tears,” Roese said. “Crying is a healthy release and this modeling allows kids to know it is OK to cry.”

Try to keep your kid’s routine as consistent as possible.

“Structure gives children security during a scary time,” Roese said.

That also means keeping household rules and discipline the same.

“The predictability of consequences will help the child feel secure,” Roese added.

And before your child goes back to school, be sure to let their teacher, counselor and the administrators know what happened. They can check in with the student, offer support and make note of any concerning changes in their behavior.

Your son or daughter may be more clingy after the death.

It’s common for a child who’s lost a parent to develop an intense fear of losing the other one. This may translate into a preoccupation with the living parent’s health and safety.

“They will often want to sleep in the bed or on the floor near the surviving parent,” Roese said. “Reassure them that your health is good and that you are there to take care of them.”

Don’t forget to take care of yourself.

You may be so focused on making sure your kids are OK that you neglect to tend to your own grief. Practicing some form of self-care — whether that’s journaling, getting some exercise, going to therapy or joining a grief support group — can help you cope with the loss, while also putting you in a better position to be able to help your kids.

“Please give yourself some credit for navigating a challenging and emotional situation, to put it mildly and over simplistically,” Kray said. “Because you are also grieving, I hope you can lead by example and find your own space to process the feelings that arise for you around the loss.”

Signs They Should See A Therapist

You may want to get your child professional counseling right away, but sometimes it’s better to let your kid grieve on their own before they talk to a therapist, Schiffman said.

“We often tell parents to wait for a while to see how the child is doing,” she said. “This can be anywhere from a couple weeks to six months.”

Given the magnitude of the loss, anticipate some changes to your child’s mood or behavior.

“Expect that children will regress in their behavior, have trouble focusing at school and fall apart over very small things,” Roese said. “Be patient with them.”

However, sometimes when these changes are intense or extreme, the child may be in need of professional help. Here are some of the signs to look out for, according to grief counselor Linda Goldman, author of “Life and Loss: A Guide To Helping Grieving Children.”

The child repeatedly refuses to talk about the death and how they’re feeling.
The child is having considerable problems at school, like behavioral issues, getting in trouble or failing classes.
The child shows drastic changes to their sleeping or eating — i.e., doing it in excess or not at all.
The child socially withdraws to the point that they’ve stopped playing with friends or wants to quit sports and other extracurricular activities.
The child threatens to harm him- or herself or is abusive toward animals or other kids.

Ways To Keep The Parent’s Memory Alive

Finding ways to commemorate the parent who died can be healing for both you and your kids. In the short term, this may include allowing your child to participate in the funeral or memorial service in some way (e.g. writing a letter to put in the casket, helping choose the family photos that will be on display, drawing a picture for the parent). Later on, it might mean planting a tree in the parent’s honor, visiting one of their favorite places, celebrating the parent’s birthday, framing photos to hang in their bedroom or around the house and just regularly talking and sharing memories about the person.

Consider helping your child put together a memory box that contains letters, cards, photos and other keepsakes that remind them of their parent. They can also create a memory book — “a collection of drawn or written feelings and thoughts that allow the child to re-experience memories in a safe way,” Goldman said.

“The books serve as useful tools to enable children to tell about the person who died, and open discussion,” she wrote in Healing Magazine. “Kids can share funny, happy or sad memories.”

But ultimately, it’s up to each family to determine what works best for them.

“Because there is no right nor single approach, I hope dialogue, brainstorming and sharing can happen within the family,” Kray said.

This insightful post is originally from Huffpost

Why Kids Need to Be Able to Tolerate Uncomfortable Feelings

Fri, 06 Dec 2019 08:08:54 GMT

In our first session, Isabel, an agitated newcomer to therapy, declared: “I can’t stand it when Molly is upset about anything. For 16 years, it’s been my job to keep her happy and make sure nothing interferes with her always feeling good about herself. I get anxious when she’s anxious, and I work very hard to make sure her bad feelings go away. I don’t feel like a good mother unless I make sure Molly never has uncomfortable feelings.”

At first glance, it’s easy to conclude that Isabel’s comment is the expression of a parent who wants to see their child grow up to be a happy, self-confident person. Indeed, Isabel is dedicated to raising Molly to become a person with high self-regard and the ability to have successful relationships and positive feelings about life. While this is a laudable goal, Isabel’s method for helping Molly attain it is flawed.

Isabel’s statement captures the viewpoint of many parents who believe good parenting means never letting their child have intolerable feelings. This raises questions about the consequences for children of parents such as Isabel. I am going to explore this parenting experience and look at the potential impact on the children when parents smooth over or facilitate the avoidance of anxieties and other uncomfortable emotions.

DEVELOPING COMPETENCE WITH UNCOMFORTABLE FEELINGS

From childhood through adulthood, the ability to tolerate uncomfortable and unwanted feelings is essential for negotiating every kind of relationship. If we learn early on that we have the wherewithal to get through situations that make us uneasy, anxious, unhappy, angry, etc., we are in a good position to manage our lives. This is learned through repeated encounters with these feelings, the successes and failures of dealing with them, and finally the experience of oneself as competent to manage.

By running interference for uncomfortable feelings, Isabel has been depriving Molly of developing her capacity to regulate her own emotions by feeling them and developing comfort with them. This constricts Molly’s ability to relate and leaves her without the necessary experiences that promote resilience and competence with her anxieties. Instead, she must find ways to defend against these unwanted feeling states and/or remain dependent on others to make them tolerable.

THE DANCE OF ANXIETY

Isabel has lived her life avoiding her own difficult feelings and now is devoted to protecting Molly from unwanted emotions. For Isabel, Molly’s discomfort or unhappiness is not simply a painful affect that they both must endure; rather, it is a signal that she is failing at her job of mothering. This signal creates intolerable anxieties for Isabel which, along with Molly’s uncomfortable feelings, must be eliminated. The need to protect herself and Molly from such unwanted feelings has become a central dynamic of her mothering.

The difficult issue for both Molly and Isabel is they both require the absence of anxiety. But each makes the other anxious. Molly has been a participant in this mother-daughter dynamic for most of her 16 years. The awareness that her anxiety makes her mother anxious makes her more anxious. This creates the (often unconscious) dilemma of how to both make her mother comfortable and get rid of her own anxiety. As a result, there is a dance of anxiety in which each partner attempts, but often fails, to self-regulate and simultaneously regulate the other.

In our work together, Isabel has come to understand that her anxiety over Molly’s emotional state has created problems for their relationship:

“I know I have to stop constantly taking her emotional temperature,” Isabel said. “Things between us are not so good. She’s getting older and I can see that she has a lot of anxiety about herself and her life. In the past few months, we’ve started fighting. It’s crazy-making. Either she yells at me that I’m controlling her and that I should butt out of her life or she comes to me in an agitated state and needs to be talked off a ledge about something. The thing is, I do help her and then we have a respite and I’m the good mother again and she seems happy—and I am too.”

I asked Isabel what she thought about Molly’s recent confrontational behaviors. She sighed a large sigh and responded:

“Well, you and I have been talking for some time now and I get that my anxiety over Molly’s feeling states hasn’t given her tools to grow up or take risks and learn that she’s capable of taking care of herself. I know in my head it’s a good thing for Molly that she can assert herself with me. She’s been so dependent on me and I don’t like to admit that I like that. But I can still get scared when she is upset. When she confronts me, I know she is having emotions that are too much for her. I feel so guilty that I become like the scared child I was with my parents and I do whatever she wants so she won’t be upset with me.”

What Isabel is describing captures two important issues that her behavior with Molly has impacted:

1. Limit setting: Because she can’t tolerate Molly’s unhappiness, Isabel has been unable to set limits for Molly when she experiences Molly’s unhappiness or displeasure with a limit. For example, when Molly gets angry at something Isabel asserts, Isabel can’t manage her own feelings and quickly gives in to make both their bad feelings disappear.

When there are no limits or when the child has too much power or control, she may become frightened (often unconsciously) with being given so much sway over a parent. Feelings of safety and being taken care of are compromised when the caretakers are not in control. Without a safe base growing up, independent actions and thoughts become risky, impeding the process of separation/individuation.

2. Dependency: Difficulties in future relationships are likely as Molly has not learned to self-regulate and has come to rely on significant others to maintain her positive emotional equilibrium, often at the cost of not knowing her own mind.

Relationships are dominated by the need to avoid intolerable feelings. In order to guarantee that others are pleased and no one has unwanted feelings, consideration and knowledge of what one wants is surrendered to others. There is a need to be agreeable, have no differing or opposing thoughts and feelings, and, in general, control the feelings of others to ensure everyone’s happy, satisfied feelings. This creates dependence on others for reassurance and approval of wishes, desires, and choices.

ANXIETY ABOUT ANXIETY

When one is deprived of learning to cope with uncomfortable feelings, it is likely that compensatory strategies for dealing with discomfort with others are developed. Relationships must be constructed to elicit positive reactions and avoid creating unwanted feelings. This limits relational possibilities and requires (consciously and unconsciously) the concealing of one’s authentic thoughts and feelings. In situations where the upset is so unbearable, the need to protect oneself may require hiding these feelings from one’s own conscious awareness, causing dissociation in the service of managing the feelings that emerge in interaction with others.

The dilemma of how to stay anxiety-free may lead Molly to become dependent on her mother for assurances that her life decisions are acceptable and will not create anxiety for either one. If she hands over this process to her mother, she will not develop the ability to regulate her own feelings and she will deprive herself of developing an identity separate from her mother: who she is and what she wants will be determined by the guideline of safety first—no intolerable feelings, not for Molly and not for her mother. It can become unclear who is taking care of whom. If Molly begins to feel trapped by this situation, she may also choose to deal with her discomfort and her mother’s anxiety by detaching from or rejecting her mother. For Molly, both dissociation and detachment would result in disconnection from herself.

Isabel could also deal with her anxiety by dissociating or detaching from Molly. This implies that, for the most part, her feelings about Molly would be largely on hold. While a parent could unconsciously solve the anxiety dance by unconsciously opting to anesthetize themselves, it is hard to imagine that Isabel would, under any circumstances, become so emotionally disconnected from Molly.

Isabel and I have been working on a strategy that requires conscious cooperation with herself. We have been talking about how she can reframe her “bad mother” thoughts to understand that allowing Molly to have her uncomfortable feelings is an act of good mothering that enables Molly to develop the skills to regulate her own feelings. Isabel intellectually understands that she and Molly need to be less dependent on each other for maintaining comfortable feeling states. She also recognizes she is in a symbiotic relationship with Molly that keeps Molly from being able to reflect about her own life and learn about her own wants and needs.

It is painful for Isabel to move beyond her intellectual understanding of her impact on Molly:

“I just don’t know if I can get there. I want to be able to feel like a good mother when I stand by and don’t soothe and reassure Molly. But it’s scary when I’m aware I did something that upsets her and I don’t jump in and make it okay. I’ve been trying, and she seems more anxious and she gets angry at me, which is horrible. I keep telling myself that she has to learn that she can take care of her own feelings. I tell myself she is not responsible to make me feel good. I tell myself over and over. I’m beginning to hear myself, but it’s so, so, so hard to listen to myself. But I do know I have to do this for Molly, even if it seems I’m hurting her. I hope you will stay with me while I keep trying.”

I will.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

Original Post from GOOD THERAPY

Geloofsopvoeding

Fri, 06 Dec 2019 08:03:26 GMT

Die groot Engelse digter, Samuel Taylor Coledrigde het eenkeer met ‘n man gepraat wat nie daarin geglo het om vir kinders enige geloofsopvoeding te gee nie. Sy teorie was dat kinders nie in enige rigting beïnvloed moet word nie.

Sodra hulle oud genoeg was om hulle eie oordeel te gebruik, moes hulle volgens hom toegelaat word om self hulle geloofsvoorkeure te kies.

Coledridge het niks gese nie, maar na ‘n tydjie sy besoeker gevra of hy graag sy tuin wou sien. Die man wou graag weet of so ‘n beroemde digter en besige akademikus tyd het om tuin te maak. Wat hy gesien het was nog erger as wat hy vermoed het. Die tuin was oorgroei met onkruid. Die gas het verbaas na Coldridge gekyk en kon nie help om te se: “ maar dis nie ‘n tuin nie. Hier groei dan niks behalwe onkruid nie. Wel, het Coldridge geantwoord, “ek wou geensins inbreuk maak op die vryheid van die tuin nie. Ek het net die tuin ‘n kans gegee om sy eie gang te gaan en self te besluit wat hy wou voortbring.

Effesiers 6:4 (1983 Vertaling) “En vaders, moenie julle kinders so behandel dat hulle opstandig word nie, maar maak hulle groot met tug en vermaning soos die Here dit wil.”

Deuteronomium 6:5-7 leer ons dat dit tyd en inspanning verg om kinders op te lei. Israelitiese ouers moes God se waarheid by hulle kinders “inskerp”. Die oorspronklike Hebreeus wat met “inskerp” weergegee word, beteken “om te herhaal”, “om oor en oor te sê”. Dit moes dwarsdeur die dag gedoen word, ja, van die oggend tot die aand, “in jou huis” en “op die pad”. Dit verg tyd en inspanning om kinders te leer en hulle gesindheid en gedrag te vorm sodat hulle God sal behaag.

Wat kan jy dan doen om jou kinders te help om die beste opvoeding te ontvang? Baie. Leer hulle om die Here lief te hê en te vrees. Stel ’n goeie voorbeeld. Aanvaar jou verantwoordelikheid om jou kinders te leer, en neem die nodige tyd om hulle op te lei. Jy is nie volmaak nie, en jy sal foute begaan. Maar as jy opreg probeer om God se wil te doen, sal jou kinders heel waarskynlik jou pogings waardeer en daarby baat vind.

Spreuke 22:6 leer ons, “Lei ’n seun op volgens die weg vir hom. Ook as hy oud word, sal hy nie daarvan afwyk nie.” Dieselfde beginsel geld vir meisies.

Opvoeding is ’n lewenslange reis. As jy en jou kinders God liefhet, is dit ’n reis wat julle tot in ewigheid sal kan geniet.

Pet Cactus Rocks

Fri, 06 Dec 2019 07:58:17 GMT

How much cuter can these pet cactus rocks be? And they are so easy to make too! This is a craft your kids will LOVE!

Here’s what you need to make these Cactus Rocks

Rocks – choose them based on the size of your terra cotta pot. A flat surface area is needed for the googly eyes.
Googly eyes
Outdoor acrylic paint – green, white & bright green
Mini Terra Cotta Pots
Hot glue (adults only) or Glue dots for kids

Directions on how to make these adorable Pet Cactus rocks.

First, select your rocks. As mentioned above, you want to look for rocks that are flat on one side so the eyes will go on smoothly. You can even see if you can find some extra details that may give the rock a mouth.
Clean your rocks before painting.
Paint with outdoor paint if you want to place outside. Otherwise, regular acrylic paint works well. We did 2 coats of the lighter green to ensure we got complete coverage.
Once you have the green painted, use the white to create different cactus designs!
We did dots, hash marks, lines and stars. Our favorite is the hash marks.
Paint details on rocks
Now glue on your googly eyes! Use hot glue or glue dots.
Now they are ready to go into their pots!

If you’d like them to stand higher in their pots, use a little bit of paper towel or foam in the bottom of the pots.

Original Post from The Best Ideas for Kids

New Year’s Eve Balloon Clock Countdown

Fri, 06 Dec 2019 07:43:11 GMT

A simple project that makes a BIG impact, the New Year’s Eve Balloon Clock makes a fun decoration, photo background and take home gift for the kids! (Because you know the kids are all going to want to take home a balloon at the end of the night!)

Materials

12 gold balloons (30cm)
Balloon Time helium tank
Black self-adhesive vinyl (20cm) or large number stickers
Black curling ribbon
Clear tape
Black cardstock paper
Painter’s tape

Directions

To create the numbers for the balloons, you can use cutting machine or a stencil to hand cut the numbers.

Blow up balloons using a helium tank.

Place numbers on the balloons.

Tie the curling ribbon to each balloon and arrange by varying heights in a circle like a clock. Tape curling ribbon to the floor to hold in place. I highly recommend doing this project with a partner. Hanging balloons in a circle solo is tricky!

Tip – balloons do not stay still, so I used painter’s tape to tape the back of my balloons to the wall so they would not spin.

Cut large clock hands out of card stock. Use painter’s tape to place hands in the middle of the clock numbers.

Optional – As you count down each hour of New Year’s Eve, re-position clock hands to tell the time.

We hope you enjoy your New Year’s Eve Balloon Clock and have a very happy new year!

Original post from the Suburban Mom

Scrap Ribbon Tree Ornament

Fri, 06 Dec 2019 07:34:48 GMT

Crafters of all ages will enjoy making a primitive scrap ribbon Christmas tree ornament to gift or keep this holiday season. In this post, learn how to use shades of green and brown scrap ribbon to emulate the welcoming branches of a Christmas tree.

Tools

Straight sticks or cinnamon sticks 6-inch

Ribbons

Hot glue gun

Twine

Scissors

Instructions

After gathering supplies, invite kids to tie the scraps of ribbon down the twig or cinnamon stick.
For best results, bunch the ribbons close together. The ribbons will bend and slightly overlap. Gently tug them into place until you are satisfied with their placement.
Use sharp scissors to trim the ribbon scraps into the shape of a Christmas tree.
If desired, melt the edges of the ribbons with a match so the ribbon doesn’t fray.
Hot glue or tie a loop of twine to the top of the tree.
If desired, top the tree with a wooden star, yellow button, or primitive metal star.
Your Scrap Ribbon Tree Ornament is complete!

Original post from Fire Flies & Mud Pies

Christmas Slime

Fri, 06 Dec 2019 07:29:03 GMT

We’re excited to be getting into the Christmas spirit here. And we couldn’t wait to share these adorable Christmas Slime jars with you! These would make fun Christmas gifts or would even just be a fun Christmas activity for kids to do. You can make all 3 or make just one of them!

Ingredients Needed to Make Christmas Slime

Repeat each of the below for each color (you’ll need to make 1 batch each if you want to make each slime jar)

Per batch/Jar:

1 bottle of Elmer’s glue (180ml) – we used white (2 bottles) and glitter green and repeated the recipe 3 times. Note: we made this with Elmer’s glue. It is recommended you do not substitute with other glue as the make-up may not be the same and the recipe may not work
Brown food coloring for the Rudolph slime jar. At this to your glue before following our slime recipe steps.
*Note: the food coloring may stain, use wax paper to cover your table when playing with it and avoid contact with anything you do not want stained.
1/2 TSP of Baking Soda
1½ TBSP of Contact lens solution. **Important: your brand of contact lens solution must have boric acid in the ingredient list. This is what interacts with the glue to form the slime.
Optional: add 1 TBSP of water to your glue before adding baking soda if you’d like a stretchier slime

Original Post from The Best Idea for Kids

Salt Dough Ornaments

Fri, 06 Dec 2019 07:21:13 GMT

Just in time for Christmas – this is a really easy and fun craft for the kids. Learn how to make this pretty Salt Dough Ornament to place on your Christmas Tree! What we love most about these salt dough ornaments is that they’re made from all ingredients you have in your kitchen! And because of this it’s completely safe for the little ones to work with.

The possibilities are endless! Use your favourite Cookie Cutter or your kids hands to make unique Christmas tree ornaments.

Ingredients

4 cups all purpose flour

1 cup salt

1.5 cups warm water

Instructions

Preheat your oven to 120 degrees Celsius.
Combine all of your ingredients and knead for 10 minutes. If your dough is too dry add a little bit more water in and continue to knead.
Roll out the dough to a thickness that you'd like your salt dough ornament to be.
Using a large cookie cutter, cut out different shapes for your salt dough ornament.
Have your child place their hand into the salt dough ornament. If the dough is too hard to get an imprint it may be too dry and you can continue to knead by adding in a little bit more water.
Using a straw, make a hole in the top for where you want to hang your salt dough ornament.
Bake for 1-2 hours. If your ornaments are still doughy, put back in for another hour. (It will depend on your thickness how long you need to bake for. The thinner ornaments will take less time but thicker may take more).
If you encounter too much puffing, roll out thinner ornaments and this will help reduce the puffing. If the ornament is still a bit doughy, bake for longer or let sit out a few days to harden before decorating. The thickness of the dough will determine how long you have to bake them for. You can also raise the temperature up to 160 degrees Celsius but do this gradually as they may start to puff up. We prefer to bake them at 120 degrees Celsius for longer and let them air dry for a few days.
Once cool, you can decorate by painting with acrylic or kids paint.
To make the hand glittery, fill the handprint with glue then sprinkle glitter on top of the glue, shake off the excess and let it dry.
Spray with a clear glaze finish or finish with mod podge.

Original post from The Best Ideas for Kids

I don’t know what’s wrong with my child!

Thu, 28 Nov 2019 09:27:53 GMT

It does not take long for a parent to realise that not all children act alike, but we seldom know what to do about it. One child may be bubbly and outgoing while another is reserved and withdrawn. One may demand constant attention while another is content to be left on her own.

Studies have confirmed that children are born with prepackaged personalities that largely determine how they will interact with the world around them. The biological makeup in individual’s is complex, but genes clearly influence our responses.

Since we can not choose the personalities or those of our children, what is left for us to do is to identify and work with the personalities we have been given. Before we can follow Scripture’s reprimand to “train a child in the way he should go” (Prov.22:16) we must gain an understanding and respect for each child’s individuality. To do that we need to understand the four basic personality types that characterize all people, adults and children.

To determine exactly what blend of personality your child is, use the profile questionnaire HERE

You will be able to know your child’s basic desire, emotional needs, and by what they get controlled. For additional help please order the book “ Fun with personalities ” or “ Pret met persoonlikhede ” on www.lynettebeer.co.za

You can also determine your own blend of personality by visiting my website and using the profile questionnaire to determine your temperament blend. This will help you to know what kind of parent you are. Once you have identified your own unique strengths and weaknesses, you will be better able to understand yourself as a parent and why you get along with one child better than you do with another. To gain more knowledge on this subject you can order the book, “ Lewe in Volkleur " or “ Life in full colour ” from my website .

12 Ways to Develop Empathy in Your Child

Thu, 14 Nov 2019 09:06:06 GMT

1. Create a caring relationship.

To develop the capacity to feel empathy for others, a child must feel seen, felt, heard, and understood by at least one primary caregiver. Family members who know, appreciate, and respect a child regardless of external accomplishments help that child feel emotionally attached to a caring adult. These kinds of loving relationships increase a child’s ability to care for others

2. Listen for understanding.

Active listening is a practice that helps parents and children grow in their understanding of each other. Three skills most often associated with good listening are:
1) Respect the other person,
2) Listen more than you talk, and
3) Always seek understanding.

3. Teach a growth mindset.

Let your child know that empathy is not a fixed trait—that it develops over time. Dr. Michele Borba suggests telling kids: “Empathy can be increased with practice just like your muscles stretch with exercise…. The more you practice, the better you’ll be at understanding another’s thoughts and feelings.

4. Rethink how kids learn kindness.

It is no surprise that adults feel good about themselves when they show kindness to their children and grandchildren. Not only do good deeds make us feel better, but as David Brooks explained in his article “Nice Guys Finish First,” people who are kind and compassionate are often the most successful. That said, we don’t make children happy when we simply enable them to be receivers of kindness. We heighten their feelings of happiness, improve their well-being, reduce bullying, enrich their friendships, and build peace by teaching them to be givers of kindness.

5. Transform gift-giving into lasting family values.

Gift-giving during the holidays, or for other special occasions, can shape children’s lifelong identities. The values your family holds about gift-giving can be turned into powerful lessons that teach compassion, empathy, and kindness. Be proactive about your values as you develop holiday traditions. Include children in conversations about how to give to others.

6. Instill compassion at home.

Regarded as one of the greatest human virtues by all major religious traditions, compassion is an emotional response and attitude toward others that is deeply empathetic. It enables us to connect to human suffering with care and understanding, acting in ways that brings comfort to those around us. Families instill compassion at home by: 1) Providing opportunities to practice compassion, 2) Helping children understand anger; and 3) Teaching children to self-regulate their emotions.

7. Show kids why giving back matters.

Families who demonstrate caring, cooperation, compassion, kindness, service, teamwork, and the importance of getting along with others are powerful empathy-builders. From elementary school through high school, children should evolve through three developmental stages as they take on roles in society: (1) Being responsible citizens; (2) Improving their communities; and (3) Contributing to solve societal problems.

8. Expose children to different opinions and worldviews.

When families cultivate curiosity about how individuals and groups of people see the world differently, they expand children’s intellectual, interpersonal, and emotional boundaries. They help children recognize and understand differing perspectives. When challenged to explore prejudices, find commonalities, and glean meaning from what they imagine life would be like to walk in another person’s shoes, children build a greater capacity for empathy.

9. Nurture positive citizenship.

Raising children to become active citizens doesn’t happen by chance. It happens when children 1) Connect with others in need, 2) Confront moral dilemmas, 3) Reflect on their values, 4) Notice how social issues are connected, and 5) Create positive and passionate civic identities.

10. Help kids learn from volunteering.

Children gain developmental benefits from participating in community service. Tweens and teens are especially ready to stretch in ways that bring deeper meaning to life. But to do so, they need adult support and encouragement.

11. Lead with empathy.

Family values are reflections of who we are and how we parent. When parents lead with empathy, gratitude, and kindness, children learn to do the same. Learn how to articulate and express your family values so that children understand and learn from them.

12. Discuss money and giving.

Ron Lieber, author of The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart about Money, says, “Every conversation about money is also about values. Allowance is also about patience. Giving is about generosity. Work is about perseverance.” The more kids learn about money from an early age, the more they can contribute to family conversations that tap into deep emotions and moral dilemmas. These discussions can help children put themselves in other children’s shoes, help them understand people different from themselves, and provide opportunities for them to give their own earned money to benefit others.

Excerpt from Original Blog by Roots of Action

Social Skills

Thu, 15 Aug 2019 09:27:17 GMT

What are social skills?

Social skills are the skills we use everyday to interact and communicate with others. They include verbal and non-verbal communication, such as speech, gesture, facial expression and body language. A person has strong social skills if they have the knowledge of how to behave in social situations and understand both written and implied rules when communicating with others. Children with a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Pervasive Developmental Disorder (Not Otherwise Specified) and Asperger’s have difficulties with social skills.

Why are social skills important?

Social skills are vital in enabling an individual to have and maintain positive interactions with others. Many of these skills are crucial in making and sustaining friendships. Social interactions do not always run smoothly and an individual needs to be able to implement appropriate strategies, such as conflict resolution when difficulties in interactions arise. It is also important for individuals to have ’empathy’ (i.e. being able to put yourself into someone else’s shoes and recognise their feelings) as it allows them to respond in an understanding and caring way to how others are feeling.

What are the building blocks necessary to develop social skills?

Attention and concentration: Sustained effort, doing activities without distraction and being able to hold that effort long enough to get the task done.
Receptive (understanding) language : Comprehension of language.
Expressive (using) language: The use of language through speech, sign or alternative forms of communication to communicate wants, needs, thoughts and ideas.
Play skills: Voluntary engagement in self motivated activities that are normally associated with pleasure and enjoyment where the activities may be, but are not necessarily, goal oriented.
Pre-language skills: The ways in which we communicate without using words and include things such as gestures, facial expressions, imitation, joint attention and eye-contact.
Self regulation: The ability to obtain, maintain and change one’s emotion, behaviour, attention and activity level appropriate for a task or situation in a socially acceptable manner.
Executive functioning : Higher order reasoning and thinking skills.
Planning and sequencing: The sequential multi-step task or activity performance to achieve a well-defined result.

How can you tell if my child has problems with social skills?

If a child has difficulties with social skills they might:

Use fleeting eye contact, does not consistently use eye contact or stares at you fixedly.
Not be able to take turns when talking to their communication partner.
Struggle with using appropriate body language (e.g. stands too close/far to another person).
Fail to use polite forms of communication (e.g. saying: please, thank-you, hello and good-bye).
Be unable to start and end conversations appropriately.
Interrupt others frequently.
Be unable to maintain a topic of conversation and provides irrelevant comments during a conversation.
Talk ‘at you’ in a conversation as opposed to engaging in a two way conversation ‘with’ you.
Not ask appropriate questions.
Repeat information in conversation and tend to talk about topics of their own interest (e.g. trains, a favourite TV show/person).
Show little or no interest in what the other person has to say.
Fail to understand jokes and language, such as sarcasm, idioms and non-literal information (e.g. ‘This place is a pig sty!’).
Interpret what you say in a very literal way (e.g. when you say “Can you open the door?” the child “yes” without moving to actually open the door).
Talk with unusual speed, stress, rhythm, intonation, pitch and/or tone of voice.
Be unable to understand different tones of voice or read facial cues.
Fail to ask for clarification if they are confused or if the situation is unclear to them.
Struggle to respond appropriately when asked to change their actions.
Tend to disclose (excessively) personal information to unfamiliar people or strangers.
Appear unaware of others and fail to read other people’s feelings based on their verbal and non-verbal cues.
Be unable to respond to teasing, anger, failure and disappointment appropriately.
Be unable to adjust or modify their language appropriately according to the communication situation.
Lack empathy (i.e. is not able to imagine what it is like to be somebody else or in their situation).
Lack imagination.
Appear self-centred.
Fail to understand the consequences of their actions.

What other problems can occur when a child has social skill difficulties?

When a child has social skill difficulties, they might also have difficulties with:

Behaviour: The child’s actions, usually in relation to their environment (e.g. a child may engage in behaviour, such as refusing to go to social events including birthday parties or engage in inappropriate behaviour, such as tugging on a peer’s hair or yelling at someone to get their attention).
Sensory processing: The child may have trouble attending or focusing and have difficulty interpreting information they receive from the environment.
Completing academic work (e.g. the child may misinterpret verbal or written instructions for tasks and/or struggle with imaginative writing).
Receptive (understanding) language: Comprehension of language.
Expressive (using) language: The use of language through speech, sign or alternative forms of communication to communicate wants, needs, thoughts and ideas.
Articulation: Clarity of speech sounds and spoken language.
Fluency: The smoothness or flow with which sounds, syllables, words and phrases are produced when talking.
Voice: The sound that we hear when someone talks which is unique to each person.
Self regulation: The ability to obtain, maintain and change one’s emotion, behaviour, attention and activity level appropriate for a task or situation in a socially acceptable manner.
Executive functioning: Higher order reasoning and thinking skills.

What can be done to improve social skills?

Play with your child to help develop joint attention, turn-taking, shared interests, cooperation and appropriate play with toys.
Emotions: Help the child to understand and display their own emotions and to recognise these emotions in other people.
Empathy: Help the child to understand and recognise how other people are feeling in particular situations.
Social stories: These are stories which are used to teach children specific social skills that they may find difficult to understand or are confusing. The goal of the story is to increase the child’s understanding by describing in detail a specific situation and suggesting an appropriate social response.
Social skill groups: These are groups run with the express purpose of mastering social interaction with others.

What activities can help improve social skills?

Visuals: Make up a poster of rules to remember when starting a conversation (e.g. using a friendly voice, making eye contact, using appropriate greetings, such as ‘hello’).
Role play: Practise playground/party scenarios where the child does not know anybody. Model and create a list of different things you can say:
- To join others who are playing (e.g. “Can I play too?”).
- To introduce yourself (e.g. “Hi my name is ….”).
- To politely negotiate with peers (e.g. “I don’t want that one. Can I have the blue car please?”).
Sing songs , such as ‘If you’re happy and you know it’ to help teach a child about different emotions.
Masks: Make masks together to help improve eye contact.
Turn taking: Play turn taking games (e.g. board games) to encourage a child to say whose turn it is in the game (e.g. “My turn”, “Your turn”).
Games: Play board games with the child. Make sure the child is not always the ‘winner’ so that they learn about ‘losing’ in a game and are able to cope better when this happens with their peers.
Bean bag conversation: Throw a bean bag around a circle and each child takes a turn to contribute to the conversation. Think of different ways to contribute to the conversation (e.g. ask a question, comment on what has been said, add something related to the topic).
Watch and comment: Role play different situations and comment about appropriate and inappropriate attempts of communication (e.g. standing too close or too far from another person, not using appropriate eye contact, interrupting a conversation).

Original Post - Kid Sense

13 Habits That Raise Well-Adjusted Kids

Thu, 01 Aug 2019 09:59:20 GMT

With so much conflicting parenting advice, you may wonder how to raise a well-adjusted kid? Before you hide under the pillow, check out these 13 habits any parent can do.

I keep seeing posts about “entitled kids” making the rounds lately. In fact, you don’t have to look hard before you see things written about how “lazy” and “narcissistic” and “downright terrible” kids are these days.

As a parent of younger kids, you read these articles and feel paralyzed by overwhelm and fear and mixed messages. What exactly is the right thing to do? Where am I going wrong? Should I give up and start a savings account for my kids’ future therapy sessions?

The part that scares me the most is we are so overwhelmed by the judgement in modern parenting that it feels safer (and by far easier) to do nothing, to turn on the tv and hide in technology Never, Never Land.

You should know something.

Change starts with one parent and one child at a time. You have a beautiful window of opportunity to build the foundation that your child desperately needs but also craves.

The foundation for things like generosity, responsibility, appreciation, warmth, kindness, helpfulness and hard-work ethic all starts during the early years.

Here’s the hard part.

It starts with us — the parents. Kids cannot even think at the maturity level needed to break a behavior cycle, let alone do anything about it. So, as the parents, it has to start with us. The foundation for well-adjusted kids always starts with us.

Here are 13 simple ways that help raise well-adjusted kids. Let’s get back to basics.

Boundaries

No brainer, right? But…It’s hard to set boundaries for kids and stick to them. This is especially true when kids push back, scream endlessly or threaten things like, “I hate you.” Remember that when kids act this way, they are meeting their own needs in the only way they know how. Depending on the boundary, it can take a long time before a child lovingly accepts a parent’s boundary.

When kids start to push back or scream less, this is actually your child moving towards acceptance of the boundary. If your boundary is like a wall (and not a door that confusingly swings open from time to time) your child will bounce and eventually work to meet his or her need in an alternative way.

The world is a very chaotic place. Boundaries help your child, not only feel grounded, but thrive. Check yourself and think about what your real boundaries are. Then remember, they’re brick walls, not doors.

Routines

There’s so much of childhood that is new and challenging for kids. Learning self-control and empathy. Learning how to be a friend and interact with others. These are all very BIG things for kids. Using something as simple as these printable routine cards can help kids feel grounded and relaxed. In fact, knowing what to expect at mealtimes, mornings and bedtimes can bring a sense of relief to even the most carefree child.

Have a strong-willed child? Even better. Routines allow kids to feel a sense of control, something that is very important to a strong-willed child.

Early bedtimes

Sleep is the building block for healthy brain development. It helps us process the days events and learn from it. Kids brains are constantly developing and creating new neural connections. They absolutely must get sleep to nurture these connections.

Between kid activities, school and always squeezing in tech time, kids are going to bed later and having a difficult time settling before sleep. One of the most basic things you can do for your kids behavior, health and well-being is to help them get the sleep they need.

Empathy

What do kids really need to be happy and successful? The answer surprises most: Empathy. It’s the trait that allows us to “walk in another person’s shoes.” New research shows that empathy plays a major role in predicting kids’ happiness and success.

Though kids are hardwired to care, they aren’t born empathetic, just like they aren’t born knowing how to order a latte at Starbucks (wink) . It’s a learned behavior.

“Empathy promotes kindness, prosocial behaviors, and moral courage, and it is an effective antidote to bullying, aggression, prejudice and racism. It’s why Forbes urges companies to adopt empathy and perspective-taking principles, the Harvard Business Review named it as one of the ‘essential ingredients for leadership success and excellent performance.’” – Dr. Michele Borba, psychologist and parenting expert.

Hugs

There is a saying by Virginia Satir, a respected family therapist, “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need twelve hugs a day for growth.”

“Hugging triggers the release of oxytocin, also known as the love hormone. This feel-good hormone has many important effects on our bodies. One of them is growth stimulation.

Studies show that hugging can instantly boost the level of oxytocin. When oxytocin is increased, several growth hormones, such as insulin-like growth factor-I (IGF-1) and nerve growth factor (NGF), are increased as well. The nurturing touch of a hug can enhance a child’s growth.” – Pamela Li, creator of Parenting for Brain

Playful parents

Children don’t say, ‘I had a hard day […] Can we talk?’ They say, ‘Will you play with me?’” – Lawrence Cohen.

We don’t reserve much room in our lives for fun and games anymore. Our days are filled with stress, obligations and hard work, and without realizing it, we are more disconnected from our kids than ever. Play is the work of the child and to connect with our kids, we must play with our kids.

Taking the time to put down our phones and realize that our kids need. us. to. play. It sounds silly, but all the mindless funny cat videos and random Tasty recipes will still be there years later; our children won’t.

Outdoor time

“Movement through active free play, especially outside, improves everything from creativity to academic success to emotional stability. Kids who don’t get to do this can have so many issues, from problems with emotional regulation—for example, they cry at the drop of a hat—to trouble holding a pencil, to touching other kids using too much force.” – Meryl Davids Landau, author of Enlightened Parenting

Chores

“Even though it is more difficult at the time to persist in having children do chores, kids benefit from the experience.

Research indicates that those children who do have a set of chores have higher self-esteem, are more responsible, and are better able to deal with frustration and delay gratification, all of which contribute to greater success in school.

Furthermore, research by Marty Rossman shows that involving children in household tasks at an early age can have a positive impact later in life. In fact, says Rossman, ‘the best predictor of young adults’ success in their mid-20’s was that they participated in household tasks when they were three or four.’” Deb Cohen, Center for Parenting Education

More screen-time limits

“In order for the brain’s neural networks to develop normally during the critical period, a child needs specific stimuli from the outside environment. These are rules that have evolved over centuries of human evolution, but—not surprisingly—these essential stimuli are not found on today’s tablet screens. When a young child spends too much time in front of a screen and not enough getting required stimuli from the real world, her development becomes stunted.” – Dr. Liraz Margalit, Behind Online Behavior

Experiences, not things

“Children require less things and far more meaningful experiences. When they grow up, it’s not the stuff in their life they will remember, it’s that time you tried to catch tadpoles at the lake, or that sand castle you both built that the wave knocked over at the beach […] The best life experiences cost little to nothing, like a picnic in the park, blowing bubbles in the backyard, making chalk drawings on the sidewalk, or tossing a football around, but they all have one thing in common: you do them together. What kids really want in life is quality time spent with their parents.” – Sally White, parenting writer

Slow moving days

“I encourage parents to take some time to just watch their children, whether they are playing, doing homework, or eating a snack. Take a moment to drink them in. Remember and remind yourself how remarkable your children are. That pause alone, even if momentary, can drive a shift in the pace.” John Duffy, clinical psychologist

Books read to them

“One of the most important things parents can do, beyond keeping kids healthy and safe, is to read with them. That means starting when they are newborns and not even able to talk, and continuing well beyond the years that they can read by themselves. Study after study shows that early reading with children helps them learn to speak, interact, bond with parents and read early themselves, and reading with kids who already know how to read helps them feel close to caretakers, understand the world around them and be empathetic citizens of the world.” Amy Joyce, parenting writer

Music

“Science has shown that when children learn to play music, their brains begin to hear and process sounds that they couldn’t otherwise hear. This helps them develop ‘neurophysiological distinction’ between certain sounds that can aid in literacy, which can translate into improved academic results for kids.” ( source )

Original post - The Military Wife & Mom

How to really connect with your family when life is busier than ever

Thu, 25 Jul 2019 07:41:35 GMT

No mom is an island. Despite the fact that we are surrounded by children all day, mom-ing can be a lonely task.

In the busyness of our daily lives, it's easy to take our children for granted—running out of the house with only a cursory wave or kiss or picking up our children from school without getting off the phone. The same can happen with partners. We start off feeling like Prince Harry and Meghan, but now it's closer to Al and Peggy Bundy. Those former deep soul-gazing conversations have been replaced by tag teaming diaper blowouts and catching up on work and television after the kiddos go to bed.

It is incredibly normal for our relationships to take the back burner in our hectic lives. But, a loving relationship supports your mental health, reduces your risk of heart disease, and even lengthens your life span. So the investment into your relationships is totally worth it.

If you find that you've started to lose touch with your partner or your children, it may be time for a little connection reset. So I have a challenge for you: For the next week, let's try to be extravagant with our love.

If it sounds impossible between this meeting or that school pickup, try these hacks to make it happen.

1. Center yourself before you greet your family.

We bring home a lot of baggage that distracts us long after we walk in the door. Before you welcome your family, do a mini–mindfulness exercise:

Identify an object (ideally something natural, such as a flower or tree).
Set your phone timer for one minute, and simply look at the object, pretending it's the first time you see it.
Really think about the object. If it's a flower, what color is it? Are all the petals the same color? Do any look discolored or uneven? Can you smell it? Is it moving in the wind?

Focusing your attention on something neutral helps you turn your attention away from frustrations so that you can turn it to your loved ones.

2. Greet your family like you haven't seen them in ages.

In The Mayo Clinic Guide to Stress-Free Living, Dr. Amit Sood asks, "Can you greet your loved ones at the end of each day as if you're seeing them for the first time after 10 days?" Just try it. Something so simple can make all of the difference.

3. Compliment them.

Tell your children and partner that you love them and are proud of their hard work. Explain why you're grateful for them, or tell them that you respect their good behavior and support. Be as specific as possible, as frequently as you can.

4. Do a weekly 'board meeting' with your partner.

A good girlfriend started doing this with her husband every Sunday at a time when they were feeling disconnected. After the kiddos are in bed, they each share six things they're thankful for. They then go over the calendar for the week, and end with six dreams that they each have for what's ahead.

No judgments allowed, just free space to share their wishes and goals. She told me "it created intimacy for us after nine years of marriage that we didn't even realize we were craving."

5. Learn how to say yes when it's inconvenient.

Your partner tries to embrace you, but you brush them off while you're doing dishes.
Or your child wants to play, but you're busy sending an email.

Dr. Richard Kannwischer, head pastor at Peachtree Presbyterian Church, taught what researcher John Gottman calls "bids for connection:" Tiny, subtle invitations to engage. To meet a bid, you must respond on the requestor's timeline, not yours. Which means it's not always convenient.

Say 'yes' if you can stop what you're doing. But if you can't, thoughtful response will still nurture the relationship. Instead of a distracted, "I'm busy," try, "I love playing with you, and I wish I could right now. I have to finish one thing. Can we promise to play in 30 minutes?" This sets the expectations up without brushing off loved ones.

These may seem like small practices, but I promise they can make a world of difference. So get out there and have an extravegant love-filled week, mama.

Original Post - MOTHERLY

Hantering van aggressie by kleuters en laerskool kinders.

Thu, 18 Jul 2019 11:35:01 GMT

Riglyne om aggressie te hanteer:

Wanneer ŉ kind jou of iemand anders slaan, buk af tot op die kind se vlak, kyk hom of haar in die oë en sê duidelik "Moet nie aan ander slaan nie".
Erken die kind se gevoelens van aggressie, bv "ek kan sien dat jy nou kwaad is, maar dis nie hoe ons maak as ons kwaad is nie"
Wanneer die kind afgekoel het, verduidelik aan hom of haar waarom die gedrag onaanvaarbaar is.
Moedig jou kind aan om ŉ gepaste manier steeds te kry wat hy wil hê, deur byvoorbeeld daarvoor te vra of te verduidelik hoe hy voel.
Kinders moet nie verbied word om hul woede uit te druk nie, maar eerder aangemoedig word om dit op ŉ konstruktiewe manier uit te druk.
Wees ŉ rolmodel vir jou kind en demonstreer nie-aggressiewe oplossings.

Prys en moedig positiewe gedrag aan:

Wanneer ŉ kind goed optree, buk af, glimlag en sê, " ek is trots op jou omdat jy so mooi opgetree het"
Beskryf die positiewe gedrag wat jy waargeneem het bv "Ek het agter gekom dat jy jou boetie eerste ŉ beurt gegee het, of jou speelgoed met hom gedeel het, dit was baie mooi van jou gewees"

Hantering van woede uitbarstings of " tantrums"

Voor die tyd:

Praat met die kind oor wat van hom in die situasie verwag gaan word, staaf verwagtinge in positiewe terme, bv " Ons gaan nou winkel toe gaan, ek wil hê jy moet heeltyd by my bly" in plaas van "jy mag nie rondhardloop nie".
Praat met jou kind indien daar ŉ verandering in sy daaglikse roetine gaan wees, sodat hy duidelik weet wat om te verwag.
ŉ Moeë kind is baie moeiliker om te hanteer, maak daarom seker dat jou kind altyd uitgerus is en genoeg slaap gekry het.

Gedurende die uitbarsting:

Ignoreer die uitbarsting indien moontlik.
Bly kalm en probeer om geen reaksie te wys nie. Sê net duidelik "Nee, dis verkeerd".
Moet nie ingee vir sy eise nie.
Sê vir jou kind "ek gaan wag tot jy afgekoel het".

Na die uitbarsting:

Praat met jou kind oor sy gedrag, kritiseer slegs die gedrag en nie die kind met bv "daai skree geluide klink baie lelik", "dit lyk nie mooi as jy so maak nie".
Verduidelik hoekom die gedrag onaanvaarbaar is en dat hy niks daarmee gaan bereik nie.
Gesels oor alternatiewe maniere om dit in die toekoms te hanteer.
Gesels oor gevolge indien dit weer gebeur en beloning indien dit nie herhaal word nie.

A child's bad behavior isn't 'attention-seeking.' She's seeking a relationship.

Fri, 12 Jul 2019 09:46:41 GMT

How does a young child express to adults their fear of abandonment or their longing for more of us, if not by seeking our attention?

As an educator of early childhood teachers, and a consultant for parents and early childhood programs, I am constantly asked about various children: “What do I do with her? She needs so much attention.” Wherever I go, visiting classrooms or observing student teachers, over and over again I hear adults saying: “He is just doing it for attention. Ignore him.”

But, if we know anything about child development, it is that very young children actually actively need our attention. As I wrote in my book: “Brain development research shows us that in order to feel attached and worthwhile, children need our love, touch and full-on attention to survive. They could die without it — indeed, some do.”

Further, we know that young children who need attention don’t necessarily act in ways that adults expect from older children and adults. “And when they do not receive [attention],” I wrote, “they compensate in all kinds of ways: repressing their needs and wants, shouting and becoming aggressive or violent, going underground and harboring resentment alone, or seeking it from anyone who will give it to them.”

For example, I remember observing a 5-year-old who had been constantly moved between foster homes, and then arriving in a school classroom finding it impossible to self-regulate (i.e., adapt to the social norms of classroom behavior). In the end, not only was he expelled from the school — out of the teacher's frustration that he would or could not conform to their strict rules — he was moved to yet another foster home. It was hard to imagine how that child couldn't help feeling that he was to blame for each abandonment. It made me wonder when in his life a compassionate adult would hold still for long enough to give him enough attention to break the cycle of abandonment.

How does a young child express to adults their fear of abandonment or their longing for more of us, if not by seeking our attention?

At a conference about discipline this year, people in the room shared stories about children’s negative behaviors, which they labelled “attention-seeking.” It made me wonder why children wanting attention is such a negative idea: Did we learn as children that it was bad, or even shameful, to want attention in the first place? And then, during the discussion at my session, I said: “What if instead of saying (or thinking), ‘She is just doing it for attention… ignore her,’ we said (or thought) instead, 'She is just doing it for relationship.'”

I discovered that, when we replaced the idea of children seeking attention with children wanting a relationship, we began to talk differently about how, as adults, to react. For example, in relationship, we don’t ignore a person’s cry out for us; we become more present, listening and observing patiently.

I think that one source of our aversion to children needing our attention is the relatively recent idea of self-regulation. The intent is admirable because, in order to succeed academically and emotionally, young children need to learn how to adapt to societal norms. However, adults have somehow become punitive in their desire for children to learn self-regulation and thus, instead, children learn to please adults and stifle their emotions.

In other words, we adults too often behave as if we do not want children to disrupt our routine, implicitly telling them that we have much more important issues to deal with right now. For teachers, having attention-seeking children disrupting our classrooms is about perceptions of our performance as educators; for parents, there are a million reasons to feel guilty about how we are judged when our children do not abide by rules.

The result, though, is that adults teach children self-regulation by letting them know that they must not need us, telling them to go it alone. The reality is, however, that children can’t learn to self-regulate unless they receive enough attention through their relationships with adults.

I believe we judge what is the so-called right amount of attention for each child mostly according to our own emotional needs, external pressures, childhood memories and the ways in which we learned to survive when we were children. But, as adults, we have the power and opportunity to confront our painful memories, and to try to act in different ways than what we experienced growing up.

So how do we balance it so that everyone gets their emotional needs met, especially when children are unable to make a stand for themselves except in ways that adults often reject through humiliation or aggressive reaction?

The answer to this question starts with reframing the idea of “attention-seeking” behaviors. When we instead describe children as wanting a relationship, not needing attention, we find ourselves implicitly developing compassion and understanding, and compassion is a critical component for human relationships. It is up to us, each time we interact with children in emotional situations, to choose a form of relationship connection that helps a child learn how worthwhile and lovable she is, rather than being asked to accept that their needs are inconvenient.

And, while children need our support and for us to relate to them, at the same time we can choose to accept that we are recovering children who needed our own attention and relationships, too, rather than ignoring how that impacts our ability to accept children’s need for attention.

Children need us to see them as whole human beings, not just the sum of their behaviors. They need us to listen to them, to validate their feelings and to take them seriously for who they are and the people into whom they will grow. They need our attention — and seeking it isn’t an inherently negative thing.

Original post on NBC News

10 Ways to Help Kids Think Positive

Mon, 08 Jul 2019 09:15:08 GMT

Helping kids understand the effect of their thoughts, words, actions (and reactions) is essential in building a foundation for their future wellness. When kids learn how to think positive from a young age, they will have a much greater chance of leading happy, healthy, and successful lives as adults.

There are many effective ways to help guide children down a great path in life, but it’s up to us, the adults in their lives to get them started in the best direction possible.

HERE ARE 10 WAYS TO HELP YOUR KIDS THINK POSITIVE:

1. BE A GREAT ROLE MODEL

“C hildren are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression. ” – Haim Ginott

If you want children to think positive, it’s important to be an exemplary role model. When you have a child, being conscious of your thoughts becomes a clear goal as you see them begin to mimic your moods, speech, and actions toward others.

Find a positive perspective in your experiences, and explain why the choice you made is important. Adults know that the world isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, but children can forget this awareness at their age. Be someone they can learn from through both success and failure.

2. HELP THEM FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THEIR EMOTIONS

The aged assumption that “boys should not cry, and girls should always be dainty” can hinder a child’s creativity and ability to tap into their wellspring of love for themselves and others. Fostering emotional well-being among children has actually been shown to avoid “mental illness” later in life, along with many other health and social benefits.

Teach your child how to laugh, cry, and express their joy, and that it’s ok to do so. Let them live in an environment where they feel safe enough to communicate what they’re feeling, and what they want in life.

3. TEACH THEM THE LAW OF ATTRACTION

The law of attraction simply states that you will eventually receive the opportunity, in some form, to achieve that which is in alignment with your most dominant thoughts. If children understand this concept, they can learn to focus on achieving everything from potty training to becoming President. Teach your children to think well of themselves, as they are now. Teach them to be kind and compassionate toward others. This simple 3 step process to the law of attraction will help you explain it to them simply.

Also, have your child repeat positive affirmations in the mirror with you every day. Phrases like “I am creative, I am strong, I am a good friend, and I make a difference in the world” plants the seeds of positivity in their hearts, and impacts their lives in a tremendous way.

4. BE A MOTIVATOR AND ENCOURAGER

Help your child believe that they can be their best. Encourage them to follow their dreams and to believe that they can achieve great things in life.

Even if your child fails at something, motivate them to pick themselves up and carry on – teach them that in every outcome, there is always a silver lining. If your child was expecting to win first place at the science fair but didn’t, acknowledge their feelings. Talk about the cool projects, and how they can be inspired for their next project. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is say that you tried your best, look forward, and that another opportunity will be on the way.

5. TEACH THEM HOW TO FOCUS ON SOLUTIONS

Followers talk about problems. Leaders talk about solutions .

Problem solving is a critical skill kids need to gain confidence, continue thinking positive, and excel in life. Help them learn about the problem and what created it, then how to move past it and focus on a solution.

Moving into the “solution zone” as quickly as possible will encourage them to always think positive, and be confident that answers are always out there.

6. ALLOW THEM THE FREEDOM TO DO WHAT THEY LOVE

To flourish in their own unique way, children need some freedom to do what they love. Guide children to safely find their purpose and passion. Create a learning environment from what excites them in life. Everything has a lesson, and it’s up to us to provide that lesson in the most engaging way to maximize a child’s learning.

7. SURROUND THEM WITH POSITIVE PEOPLE

Surround children with a positive, uplifting environment. Explain to them that they are a product of the people they spend the most time with, and to try to associate with other people who also think positive. From this fertile positive environment, they can move forward in helping others think positive as well.

8. ENCOURAGE STRONG MORALS AND VALUES

Children can grow up to be strong, positive leaders if cornerstone positive morals and values are built from a young age. Knowing what’s “right and wrong” when interacting with friends, holding them accountable for their mistakes, and teaching them to follow through with commitments are all core principles of practicing positivity.

To help them understand easily, talk about your own life experiences such as returning someone’s wallet or intentionally making friends with the new kid at school to welcome them.

9. ASK THEM ABOUT THE POSITIVE EVENTS OF THEIR DAY

Instead of just asking how their day went, ask them about the positive things that happened during their day. These specific questions help them focus on their achievements rather than disappointments.

When children stay focused on thinking positive, their positive experiences will only continue to grow.

10. CREATE A LITERACY-RICH ENVIRONMENT

Support literacy starting from an early age. It takes them to places they can embrace their own powers. A child that often reads is enriched with the power to strategize and solve problems. Give them library cards, provide puzzles, read a variety of books, play bingo, scrabble, and introduce books on the computer.

Original post from Power of Positivity

Is Every Mom of a Teen This Tired?

Wed, 26 Jun 2019 08:55:16 GMT

My 6 a.m. alarm goes off. I’m so tempted to hit snooze. I close my eyes almost drifting back to sleep and in my mind I picture a beautiful, graceful fairy waving her magic wand getting the kids out of bed, breakfast on the table, consent forms signed….but whoa….back to reality.

Why am I so tired?

I think back to the days when I had babies and toddlers, waking up in the middle of the night pacing the halls when those dreaded double ear infections would strike, or the monotony of washing bottles, sippy cups and plastic plates that had divided sections for just the right amount of vegetables and meat.

I didn’t think I’d be this tired.

I think back to hoisting a kid on my hip and carrying them around while making dinner, my back completely out of alignment. I remember taking them to the grocery store, giving them a cookie to munch on while I shopped with that cart that resembled a car, and I almost broke my back trying to steer it. I remember breaking up the monotony of the day by taking a walk with all three of them. One always wanted to ride their bike, and you learn as a mom to pick your battles, but inevitably their legs got tired and they just couldn’t go another inch. Those were the days of carrying a tired kid and a bicycle as we made the long trek home.

I’m so exhausted.

There were those weeks when my husband travelled and I couldn’t wait for daylight savings so it would get dark early. I would close the blinds in their rooms and put them to bed…it might have been 6, and they would probably wake up earlier, but it was worth the gamble. I’d grab the last load out of the dryer, sit on the couch with my wine and fold those little Hanna Anderson and Gymboree outfits. At 7:30 I was done.

Let’s fast- forward a decade. It’s 7:30 and I’m just about to get in the car to drop my 14 year-old at basketball practice until 9. My 18 year-old is working on calculus homework that, to me, looks like a foreign language. I got word from my oldest that there’s a team picture tomorrow and his uniform from the day before has to be washed so he can take it to school. I had already picked up one kid early from school for a orthodontist appointment. I attended a morning committee meeting, I booked a hotel for an upcoming college acceptance reception, and the list goes on and on.

Is everyone this tired?

This stage of mothering big kids is where the rubber meets the road. It’s not as physically exhausting, but it is emotionally exhausting; coordinating carpools, driving to appointments, volunteering here, there and everywhere, helping sort tutors for AP classes, editing papers and college essays and drying tears from break-ups and not making sports teams.

I’m freakin spent!

We no longer have to help them with day-to-day tasks like tying their shoes, brushing their teeth, or reading bedtime stories. They help with some of household chores, but the laundry still resembles Mt. Everest and my desk is piled high with field trip consent forms, sports team schedules and monthly bills.

My kids need me now in a completely different way. They need me emotionally.
They need me to let them know that the C- on the chemistry test isn’t going to matter a year from now, and this whole high school thing will be a blip on their radar some day. They need me to reassure them when they go through a break-up that their world is not ending.

They need to talk to me or to respond to their text when they’re having a great day….or when they’re having a not so great day. They need me to hug them. They need me to make them chicken soup when they appear glassy-eyed and it seems almost certain they’ll be flat on their back in the next 24 hours.

I’ve begun to master the routines and choreography of parenting big kids and will always be their biggest cheerleader. I have more experience now, in parenting kids that are 6 inches taller than me. I do my best every day to make sure that even in the chaos of emotions of parenting big kids, I get out of bed, wash my face, pour myself a cup of coffee and greet them with a smile and a good morning, even if it’s met with a nod and a grunt.

I’m not perfect and I love that they see that. I forget to turn in forms at school. I forget to pack lunches. Just recently my son almost walked out the door with a pair of my underpants clinging to the back of his sweatpants from static cling because I probably forgot to put the dryer sheet in that load.

It takes a village.

Look at it this way, our kids are like unbaked cakes. And as they grow into teenagers, they’re still a little wiggly and the toothpick might not quite come out clean; but they’re almost ready for the sprinkles, with all the emotional exhaustion that goes with that stage day in and day out. You can only hope that you’re raising confident, competent young adults who will contribute to society in a positive way.

I can close my eyes every morning after my alarm goes off and wish for that fairy with a magic wand to appear….but would I? Then I’d miss out on those special moments with my kids that day.

Tired….smired….

Sure, I’m tired. I’ve got a few more wrinkles and dark circles under my eyes, but I wouldn’t change a thing.

Original Post from Grown and Flown

Shy kids: Do we really need to change them?

Wed, 19 Jun 2019 12:01:57 GMT

Do we really need to "fix" our quiet kids? Here's how to work with shyness—and why shy kids are awesome.

It was the first day of a new preschool program, and the instructor was leading the group in a rowdy warm-up. My three-year-old son, Seth, sat quietly and watched the other kids shouting out answers. When the instructor noticed he wasn’t participating, she singled him out and tried to have him join in.

“Actually, he’s happy to listen to his friends,” I said, as a way to redirect her attention and let my son know it was OK that he wasn’t speaking up. There was a time I would have prompted him to answer—even when I knew it wouldn’t help. I worried his introverted personality affected the way people saw him. I was envious of parents with outgoing kids; I wanted everyone to know he was a great kid, too. I was afraid he would miss out on being part of the fun.

We live in a society that places a lot of value on extroverted people. When I found myself with a kid who had the exact opposite personality, I knew it was important that we learn how to support him. It wasn’t easy, though. I often felt judged when Seth was reluctant to respond to an adult’s questions, or when he held back from joining activities.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Parents can view these situations as opportunities to let their quiet kids know it’s alright to speak up as much or as little as they’re comfortable with. Jenny Hill, a Calgary mom of Jacqueline, 6, and Anderson, 4, doesn’t give excuses for her kids’ shyness. “I was a shy child, so I know what it’s like to have people not understand it.” She encourages her children to share their names, if they’re asked, but she’s also OK with repeating the answers for them if the words come out too quietly.

Psychotherapist and parenting educator Andrea Nair, of London, Ont., says parents need to remove judgment and shaming. “Don’t label the child as ‘shy’ or make him feel bad about what he isn’t doing.” She suggests trying to empathize with your child’s more introverted nature and letting him know you understand his feelings.

Michael Reist, a retired teacher, counsellor and author of three books on kids and schools, agrees. He believes we should shift our focus away from trying to change a quiet child’s personality.

“When parents or other adults make attempts to correct shyness,” he says, “the child hears the message that he doesn’t fit in. Instead, we should be teaching him that it’s OK if he isn’t the same as everyone else.”

“Parents shouldn’t overprotect quiet children, but they should understand that these kids have a longer runway before they’re comfortable enough to take off and fly,” says Susan Cain, whose bestselling book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, addresses Western culture’s tendency to undervalue introverts.

In her book, Cain says one-third of people are introverts—folks who’d prefer to listen rather than speak. But this personality type also comes with many other qualities—innovation, creativity and sensitivity—that have led people to make great contributions to society. (Famous introverts include Albert Einstein, J.K. Rowling and Dr. Seuss.)

In her writing on temperament and personality, Cain references award-winning science writer David Dobbs’ “Orchid Hypothesis.” It posits that while many children are like dandelions and are able to thrive in any environment, others are more like orchids that can wilt easily, but, in the right environment and with good parenting, can grow strong and magnificent.

Jenny O’Brien* followed that approach when raising her introverted daughter, Emma. It became clear that school was very stressful as soon as Emma started preschool.

“She was extremely reserved and wouldn’t talk to anyone,” says O’Brien. “It took her six months to speak to the teacher, and even then it was only a whisper.”

O’Brien and her husband elected to begin home-schooling in kindergarten, while encouraging Emma to pursue extracurricular activities in smaller group settings. As she got older and more confident, Emma started to broaden her experiences, and went on to attend a regular high school. Now, at 19, she has tons of friends, she has travelled overseas alone and recently completed her first year of university.

“Parents can help their children expand their boundaries while still respecting their nature by using concrete strategies to deal with stressful social situations,” Reist says. “For example, tell your son ahead of time that it’s alright if he brings a book to Grandma’s party, but when it’s time to sing ‘Happy Birthday,’ he has to come and join everyone.”

Nair also suggests planning ahead by coming up with goals—like being able to leave a parent’s side during a party—and a plan of action to achieve them.

Hill uses a lot of context-specific strategies to manage her kids’ shyness, like making sure they’re the first to arrive at gatherings. “When the room fills up, they’re already comfortable with their surroundings and not as likely to be hanging off of our legs.”

Most introverted children will learn to alter their personalities in specific social situations as a way to fit in—especially during adolescence, when peer relationships become increasingly important. Reist suggests encouraging a shy child to seek out role models and watch the way they interact with others. Parents are also well situated to be those role models. “Show your child how you interact with people in everyday life: at the grocery store or with family friends,” says Reist, “and have him strive to do the same.”

By adulthood, many introverts have mastered the ability to be what Cain refers to as a “pretend extrovert.” Reist says that when it comes to introverted kids, he often uses the concept of putting on a persona to help a quiet personality meet the demands of an overstimulating situation.

But both Reist and Nair agree that even with coping mechanisms in place, it’s important to remind an introverted child that it’s alright to return to the quiet, if needed.

“When these children come into our lives, we should take special care of them. They’re not disordered or deficient,” says Reist. “In fact, their sensitivity is a great gift.”

My son is now nine, and he’s come a long way. Though he’s still on the quiet side when it comes to certain social situations, he happily participates in extracurriculars and really enjoys being around other kids. I still worry sometimes, but I also see so many great qualities that are part of his personality. And because we give him the support he needs to be himself, we know he’ll be fine—maybe even great.

“Everyone shines, given the right lighting,” says Cain. “For some, it’s a Broadway spotlight; for others, a lamp-lit desk.”

How shy is too shy?
Nair says for some children, shyness can mean more than having an introverted personality. If your child shows lack of progression through a particular fear, cries when tears don’t fit the situation, isolates herself regularly or has frequent emotional outbursts, she could be experiencing a social anxiety disorder and should be assessed by a professional.

Original Post from Today's Parent

Kondensmelk Melkkos

Wed, 19 Jun 2019 11:27:42 GMT

Heerlike Vakansie Resep vir Koue Dae!

1 blik kondensmelk
2 koppies water
1 liter melk
1 koppie koekmeel
125 ml botter
Bietjie sout

Meng die kondensmelk, water en melk saam in ‘n kastrol.
Jy kan suiker byvoeg as dit nie soet genoeg is nie.
Vryf die botter in die koekmeel in, sodat dit soos krummels lyk.
Voeg die sout by.
Wanneer die melk mengsel warm is, word die meelmengsel bygevoeg, en geroer totdat alles saam kook en dik geword het.
Bedien warm met kaneelsuiker.

EQ vs IK

Tue, 04 Jun 2019 08:52:12 GMT

Waarom emosionele intelligensie jou kind meer suksesvol sal maak.

Emosionele intelligensie (EQ of EI) is ‘n konsep wat tans wyd bespreek word, kenners sê self dat slegs 20% van sukses in die lewe is afhanklik van jou IK, die ander 80% is afhanklik van onder andere Emosionele Intelligensie (EQ). Die goeie nuus is dat EQ ‘n vaardigheid is wat aangeleer kan word en jy as ouer kan sommer vroeg al jou kleuter emosioneel intelligent grootmaak.

Wat is Emosionele intelligensie?

Die konsep van EQ verduidelik waarom twee individue met dieselfde IK se sukses in die lewe drasties kan verskil. Die begrip “emosionele intelligensie” bestaan uit twee komponente: “intelligensie” en “emosie” wat verband hou met kinders se lewensukses, lewens kwaliteit, skoolgereedheid, akademiese sukses en gesondheid, asook volwassenes se werksukses en huweliksverhoudings. Navorsing het bewys dat kinders met ’n hoë EQ se kanse om emosionele probleme te ondervind verminder, waar onderwysers ook geraporteer het dat kinders met ‘n hoë EQ beter presteer, gereelde skoolbesoek het, nie betrokke by boelie gedrag is nie en empatie teenoor klasmaats toon.

In kort behels emosionele intelligensie die vermoë om jou eie emosies te kan herken, te beheer en uiting te gee aan emosies op ‘n sosiaal aanvaarbare wyse, jouself te kan motiveer, impulse spanning te kan beheer, emosies in ander te kan herken en verhoudings suksesvol te hanteer.

‘n Praktiese voorbeeld is die student wat sy tyd effektief bestuur, take altyd betyds inhandig, self vir eksamens studeer, ‘n deeltydse werk het en toelating tot Universiteit verkry het, dit alles terwyl hy suksesvolle familie en vriende verhoudings onderhou. EQ beïnvloed dus die meeste fasette van ‘n individu se lewe positief.

Hoe lyk ‘n kind met ‘n sterk emosionele intelligensie?

‘n Kind met ‘n sterk EQ kan homself dryf en het dus ‘n groter kans om akademies en in sport suksesvol te wees,
Toon minder gedragsprobleme tuis en by die skool ,
Het selde konflik met maats, ouers en onderwysers en is meer gewild onder maats,
Het ‘n sterk selfbeeld, hou van hulself en sal nie maklik ingee vir groepsdruk nie,
Kan goeie en regte besluite selfstandig maak,
Leer uit hulle foute eerder as om toe te laat dat foute of uitdagings hulle negatief maak.

Wenke om jou kind emosioneel intelligent groot te maak:

EQ begin by die huis: Ouers demonstreer EQ al aan hulle pasgeborenes, wanneer hulle op baba se huil reageer, hulle optel en vertroosting gee. Deur empaties op te tree teenoor mekaar, familie, vriende en vreemdelinge leer kleuters om daardie gedrag na te boots. Wanneer kleuters sien hoe hul ouers ‘n behoeftige persoon afjak, sal hul dit heel waarskynlik in die toekoms met ‘n maatjie ook doen.
Gee dit ‘n naam: Die belangrikste is dat kleuters verstaan wat hulle voel en te leer om daardie emosie eerder in woorde as in dade oor te sit. Gee dus erkenning aan jou kind se emosie deur te sê “mamma kan sien jy is kwaad omdat boetie jou speelding gevat het, maar dis nie reg om hom te slaan nie, kom ons praat eerder met boetie en gaan gee vir hom ‘n bal om mee te speel”. Die piek tyd vir aggressie in kleuters is tussen die ouderdom van twee en vyf, omdat hulle nog nie die woordeskat het om hulself effektief uit te druk nie en dan uit frustrasie byt of slaan.
Lees gereed boekies vir jou kleuter: Gesels met jou kleuter oor die karakters in die boek, moedig hulle aan om te verduidelik hoe hulle dink elkeen voel en hoekom hulle op ‘n spesifieke wyse optree. Benut storie tyd om begrip vir verskillende emosies vas te lê en gepaste maniere te oorweeg om verskillende gevoelens te hanteer.
Prys goeie gedrag: Moedig ook positiewe selfspraak aan, leer jou kleuter om nie moedop te gee alvorens ‘n taak bemeester is nie, leer jou kleuter dan ook om trots op homself te wees.

Gesels oor die dag: Probeer om saans as gesin saam oor elkeen se dag te gesels, vertel oor beide lekker en slegte gebeure van die dag en hoe dit reg of dalk anders gehanteer kon word.
Luister empaties na jou kleuter; sonder om te kristiseer, die probleem te probeer oplos of dit af te maak as onbelangrik. Moedig jou kleuter aan om self aan oplossings te dink.

EQ4Kids het die behoefte raakgesien om kinders se emosionele intelligensie te bevorder en daarvolgens‘n program ontwikkel om kinders vanaf drie jaar toe te rus met emosionele intelligensie asook noodsaaklike lewensvaardighede. Die vaardighede en lesse wat deur die program geleer word sluit ook ‘n weeklikse ouer gids in, om ouers te lei om hulle kinders se reis in emosionele intelligensie effektief te ondersteun.

Why You Should Put Your Phone Away

Wed, 29 May 2019 07:03:14 GMT

About a month ago I realized something had to change. I was too tied to my phone. Too distracted. Too stressed out. And missing important moments in my time with my family. So I put my phone away for three days.

Literally, I locked it in a safe. It was awesome. And then I decided to stop sleeping with it right next to me on the nightstand. I need the alarm, though, so I just put it on the dresser on the other side of the room. And then I read this in Psychology Today:

“In a much-discussed 2014 study, Virginia Tech psychologist Shalini Misra and her team monitored the conversations of 100 couples in a coffee shop and identified ‘the iPhone Effect’: The mere presence of a smartphone, even if not in use — just as an object in the background — degrades private conversations, making partners less willing to disclose deep feelings and less understanding of each other, she and her colleagues reported in Environment and Behavior.”

And this:

“…as relationship researcher John Gottman has documented, the unstructured moments that partners spend in each other’s company, occasionally offering observations that invite conversation or laughter or some other response, hold the most potential for building closeness and a sense of connection. Each of those deceptively minor interludes is an opportunity for couples to replenish a reservoir of positive feelings that dispose them kindly to each other when they hit problems.”

Those “unstructured moments” and “minor interludes” are what smartphones destroy. And that’s truly sad because today’s hurried marriages and friendships could really use those moments and interludes!

The importance of unstructured moments and minor interludes

I need those moments. My family needs those moments. And I need to realize that some of the best moments of my life happen in those unstructured, minor moments and interludes. The stuff I remember on my deathbed will probably be the stuff that seemingly happened in the margins, but are actually very important moments in my life:

The dance I shared with my little girls in a hillside bungalow while the ocean extinguished the sun.
The long talk with my brother about deep stuff that happened in a treehouse in a field, doing “nothing.”
The unrushed joy of losing a game of Stratego to a small child.
Sipping coffee with my soulmate, pretending to be tourists in our own town, having a deep conversation from our hearts.

I don’t want to be “absent present.” I don’t want to photograph my kid’s childhood instead of really seeing my child. I don’t want to be thinking about how this will look on Instagram when I should be thinking, “I’m so glad I get to be here.”

Am I watching my kid perform in a play so my Facebook friends can see it? No, I’m doing it because I want to connect with my child.

I also want my partner to feel listened to and heard deep down in her soul. I want “spending time together” to mean more than “browsing Facebook together.”

What about you? Is your smartphone your first love? I doubt it. Your true loves in your life are more important—family, close friends, relatives, your partner, your kids.

Less tech-time, more face-to-face time

So, do you need to ban all smartphones from the kitchen or dining room at certain times of the day, like breakfast or dinner? Do you need to set aside time for your family to hang out and enjoy each other’s company without the distractions of technology? It’s a strategy that some families use, and it helps to set healthy boundaries that reinforce the importance of face-to-face attentive connection with those you love.

I’m afraid that too much tech use is like carbon monoxide poisoning: the first symptom is that you stop recognizing symptoms. Do you need to recognize symptoms? Do you need to try shifting things for a week or two? Is it possible that you don’t even know what you’re missing?

Try it for a week and see what happens. Try it even for a day. Notice what changes in your interactions with those you love. Notice the positivity and connection that comes from it.

Original Post from Gottman

Should emotions be taught in schools?

Mon, 06 May 2019 11:38:03 GMT

Our unresolved, unacknowledged feelings can lead us into anxiety, arguments and worse. Some educators believe it’s time to give our kids emotional instruction along with their ABCs.

Who taught you how to identify and manage your emotions, how to recognize them when they arose and navigate your way through them? For many adults, the answer is: No one. You hacked your way through those confusing thickets on your own. Although navigating our inner landscape was not something that was taught to us in school, it should be, contend a number of researchers. They believe emotional skills should rank as high in importance in children’s educations as math, reading, history and science.

Why do emotions matter?

Research has found that people who are emotionally skilled perform better in school, have better relationships, and engage less frequently in unhealthy behaviors. Plus, as more and more jobs are becoming mechanized, so-called soft skills — which include persistence, stress management and communication — are seen as a way to make humans irreplaceable by machine. There has been a growing effort in American schools to teach social and emotional learning (SEL), but these tend to emphasize interpersonal skills like cooperation and communication.

Kids are often taught to ignore or cover over their emotions.

Many Western societies view emotions as an indulgence or distraction, says University of California-Santa Barbara sociologist Thomas Scheff, a proponent of emotional education. Our emotions can give us valuable information about the world, but we’re often taught or socialized not to listen to them. Just as dangerous, Scheff says, is the practice of hiding one emotion behind another. He has found that men, in particular, tend to hide feelings of shame under anger, aggression and, far too often, violence.

How does one go about teaching emotions?

One of the most prominent school programs for teaching about emotions is RULER, developed in 2005 by Marc Brackett, David Caruso and Robin Stern of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. The multiyear program is used in more than 1,000 schools, in the US and abroad, across grades K-8. The name, RULER, is an acronym for its five goals: recognizing emotions in oneself and others; understanding the causes and consequences of emotions; labeling emotional experiences with an accurate and diverse vocabulary; and expressing and regulating emotions in ways that promote growth.

As a strategy, children are taught to focus on the underlying theme of an emotion rather than getting lost in trying to define it.

When an emotion grips you, explains Stern, understanding its thematic contours can help “name it to tame it.” Even though anger is experienced differently by different people, she explains, “the theme underlying anger is the same. It’s injustice or unfairness. The theme that underlies disappointment is an unmet expectation. The theme that underlies frustration is feeling blocked on your way to a goal. Pinning down the theme can “help a person be seen and understood and met where she is,” says Stern.

RULER’s lessons are woven into all classes and subjects. So, for example, if “elated’ is the emotional vocabulary word under discussion, a teacher would ask students in an American history class to link “elated” to the voyage of Lewis and Clark. Instruction reaches beyond the classroom, too; kids are prompted to talk with their parents or caregivers about when they last felt elated. Researchers at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence has found RULER schools tend to see less-frequent bullying, lower anxiety and depression, more student leadership and higher grades. So why isn’t emotional education the norm rather than the exception?

Surprising fact: While scientists and educators agree on the need to teach emotions, they don’t agree on how many there are and what they are.

RULER’s curriculum consists of hundreds of “feeling words,” including curious, ecstatic, hopeless, frustrated, jealous, relieved and embarrassed. Other scholars’ lists of emotions have ranged in number from two to eleven. Scheff suggests starting students out with six: grief, fear, anger, pride, shame and excessive fatigue.

While psychology began to be studied as a science more than a century ago, up to now it has focused more on identifying and treating disorders. Scheff, who has spent years studying one taboo emotion — shame — and its destructive impact on human actions, admits, “We don’t know much about emotions, even though we think we do, and that goes for the public and for researchers.” Or, as Virginia Woolf so beautifully put it, “The streets of London have their map; but our passions are uncharted.”

Parents can start to encourage their kids’ emotional awareness with a simple prompt “Tell me about some of your best moments,” a phrase Scheff has used to initiate discussions with his university students. But he and Stern agree that schools can’t wait until academics have sorted out the name and number of emotions before they act. “We know we have emotions all day long, whether we’re aware of them or not,” Stern points out. Let’s teach kids how to ride those moment-by-moment waves, instead of getting tossed around.

Original Article - ideas.ted.com

The Emotional Cup

Mon, 06 May 2019 09:37:55 GMT

Imagine that every child has a cup that needs to be filled - with affection, love, security, and attention. Some seem to have a full cup most of the time, or know good ways to get a refill. But most children get a little nervous when their cup gets empty.

Some ways that children deal with having an empty cup:

steal from other's cups
misbehave to get your attention and show that they need a refill
seem to have bottomless cups, or need constant 'topping off'
can't sit still for refills or actively refuse them
bounce off the walls when they approach 'empty'
think they have to fight or compete for every refill

What fills a child's cup:

play
friendship
one-on-one time
love and affection
connection
succeeding
doing what they love to do or what they choose to do

What empties the cup:

stress and strain
rejection by peers
loneliness and isolation
yelling and punishment
failing
fatigue
doing what they're forced to do or they hate to do

Make sure your child's Emotional Cup is filled, so that can handle their emotions better. For more on Emotions and Emotional Intelligence Development contact us .

Original post - Upbility

6 Tips for Helping Your Child Build Emotional Intelligence

Tue, 11 Dec 2018 06:12:25 GMT

This insightful article from Understood about Emotional Intelligence (EI) teaches us that EI allows kids to act on feelings in an effective way. This key ability can help kids with learning and attention issues work through their challenges. Learn ways to help your child build EI.

Help him be aware of her emotions.

Encourage her to talk about how challenges make her feel. Have her name the emotion (“angry,” “sad,” “jealous”). Then ask her why she feels that way. You can do the same when she has a positive experience. If she remembers to hand in all her homework one week, for example, ask her how that makes her feel and why.

Practice reading emotions in others.

Watching TV can be a great way to practice this. Turn off the sound and try to guess how characters are feeling. Talk about how body language and facial expressions can be clues.

Reflect on how she’s reacted in the past.

Take time to look back at specific situations and talk about how she responded. Give her helpful praise if she reacted in a constructive way. For example, maybe she was feeling frustrated with math homework and asked you for help. If she reacted in a way that wasn’t helpful—like throwing her math book on the floor—talk about how she could have reacted differently.

Come up with new strategies.

Use tough situations as learning opportunities. Talk about what she can do when she’s feeling a certain way or facing a challenge. For example, instead of yelling at her sister, what could she do when her sister plays her music too loud?

Find opportunities to help others.

Working together to take care of people can help your child build empathy. Join a volunteer effort. Or have her come with you to deliver a care package to a sick relative or friend. You could even consider getting a pet. Having to walk a dog on cold or rainy days can help to remind her that her needs may not always come first.

Explore options at school and elsewhere.

Getting outside emotional help is another option to consider. Going to therapy can help kids learn to identify emotions and regulate them. Some therapists also offer social skills groups.

EQ4Kids presents Workshops and Weekly Classes on Emotional Intelligence at schools. If you would like EQ4kids to be presented at your school, feel free to contact your nearest franchise for more information.

Read the original article here .

EQ vs IQ: Why emotional intelligence will take your kid further in life

Wed, 28 Nov 2018 05:37:04 GMT

Long gone are the days of taking IQ tests. Here's why emotional intelligence is a better predictor of your child’s success

One day on the school bus, six-year-old student Martin Moran gave a toy car he’d brought from home to a boy with special needs. He had noticed that no one ever wanted to sit next to the boy, who was often disruptive during the ride. Martin’s plan worked—the distraction helped the other child focus and stay calm, says Martin’s mom, Jessica Moran.

“It was his idea. Martin’s pretty in tune with other kids’ emotions and came up with that solution on his own,” says Moran.

The story illustrates her son’s high EQ, or emotional intelligence quotient. It’s a skill set that’s been getting a lot of buzz, with some experts and educators saying it matters more than IQ—your child’s intelligence quotient.

Psychologist Daniel Goleman estimates that, at best, IQ makes up only 20 percent of the factors that determine life success, while other forces, such as EQ, wealth, temperament, family education levels and pure luck make up the balance. That means cognitive skills—verbal comprehension, memory, reasoning and processing speed—will help academically, but they will only get a person so far in life. To really go the distance, those IQ traits should be rounded out with social-emotional skills like motivation, perseverance, impulse control, coping mechanisms and the ability to delay gratification.

Goleman, one of the first people to raise awareness of EQ, is the author of Emotional Intelligence , a groundbreaking book that came out in 1995. Since its release, study after study has proven EQ’s importance: that emotional intelligence predicts future success in relationships, health and quality of life. It’s been shown that children with high EQs earn better grades, stay in school longer and make healthier choices overall (for example, they are less likely to smoke); teachers also report that high-EQ students are more co-operative and make better leaders in the classroom. There’s also a relationship between emotional intelligence and bullying, with EQ education initiatives seen as a way to help prevent it. What’s more, having a high emotional intelligence is a greater predictor of career success than having a high IQ, which means it’s valued by employers looking for candidates who can complete work and get along with people in progressively collaborative workplaces.

How do you measure EQ?

A traditional IQ test assesses cognitive abilities through vocabulary, reading comprehension and retention, reasoning and math skills. Meanwhile, EQ assessments test different aspects of emotional intelligence: emotional literacy, empathy, intrinsic motivation and how we navigate emotions. Schools with more progressive approaches to social-emotional learning are starting to assess EQ in students to get a baseline, much like they test math or reading in September to get a sense of where kids are at. Some school counsellors may suggest an EQ test for a child who is struggling socially, to determine which skills to work on.

Just like with IQ scores, an EQ score of 100 is considered average; 115 is awesome, but 85 indicates there are some challenges.

Emotional intelligence quotient scores are in decline all over the world, according to the State of the Heart 2016 report, an annual scorecard by Six Seconds, the Emotional Intelligence Network, a non-profit whose mission is to foster and raise awareness of EQ through research and education. It tracks emotional intelligence levels among 100,000 people in 126 countries using online tests. Some experts blame this decline on increased stress and anxiety levels, which make it harder to cope with life’s curveballs. Another culprit is our growing reliance on technology and social media for communication. We aren’t using the basic face-to-face social and emotional skills that are so crucial to interpersonal relationships and future academic and career success.

In my family, our daughter, Avery, 12, has come to the defence of a boy who has a learning disability by standing up to a group of kids who were taunting him in the schoolyard. “How would you feel if someone called you that?” she challenged them.

Like Martin Moran, Avery is able to understand another’s perspective and then take steps to help that person feel better. Her little brother, my nine-year-old son, Bennett, has autism, so I wonder if perhaps his EQ deficit has boosted Avery’s emotional intelligence. It has forced her, on many occasions, to decipher his feelings based on behavioural rather than verbal cues.

But there’s more to EQ than empathy. The emotionally intelligent child is also one who can label her own emotions accurately, regulate them and control reactions to them; for example, she can verbalize her anger or frustration and think of ways to defuse her feelings rather than throw a book against the wall. A child with a high EQ can also handle more complex social situations and build meaningful friendships, in part because of that ability to relate to or empathize with peers.

As a kid grows into a teen and then an adult, EQ becomes tied to internal motivation and self-regulation. It governs how she makes decisions or harnesses her thoughts and feelings to cope with stress, solve problems and pursue goals. For example, well-developed EQ is personified in the student who can manage her time to complete homework assignments, study for tests, hold down a part-time job and apply to university, all while successfully juggling multiple family and peer relationships.

As my daughter nears adolescence, I’m starting to see how EQ will help her navigate all the social and emotional pitfalls of junior high and prepare her for life as a young adult. At the same time, I worry about my son, whose emotional intelligence is still in its infancy.

The good news? Unlike IQ, which is static, EQ can increase. But to really develop and master those skills, a child may need explicit teaching and practice.

Can you teach EQ?

“There is a component that children are born with, but there’s a large component that’s learned. There’s an intersection between nature and nurture,” says Joshua Freedman, CEO of Six Seconds. Much of that social-emotional piece is being taught in Canadian schools, where the focus for early childhood and primary school education is on social skills and emotional literacy, the term for naming and managing feelings and learning to respond to others’ emotions appropriately.

“What we try to do with young children really focuses on those areas as much as on traditional curriculum goals,” says Marilyn Chapman, a professor emeritus at the University of British Columbia in the faculty of education. Over the years, Chapman has updated the province’s primary education program, which teaches empathy through play, especially in the early grades.

Storytime is also key, in almost any form, including picture books, oral storytelling, dramatic play, role-playing with dolls and letting kids read on their own.

“Kids learn to understand the social world through storytelling—it helps them relate to a situation and learn how to handle events and emotions,” Chapman says. “It’s a powerful way for them to learn to contextualize situations. In kindergarten, it’s learning to be aware of their own feelings, to express those feelings, to be able to get along with other kids, to share, to be responsible—we do a lot of that.”

This may sound like basic stuff, but for kids to focus and to behave in class and to make friends, it’s imperative to master these concepts. (No one wants to play with the kid who doesn’t share or take turns.)

As children progress through the grades, the learning moves from social skills and emotional literacy to social responsibility, or what many elementary schools call “citizenship,” which is learning to be a good community member in the classroom. Kids are encouraged to put away their books and belongings, to be respectful of others’ work and ideas and to tackle projects that make the school or community better for everyone. (For example, the grade six students at Avery’s Calgary school spearheaded a campaign to collect winter clothing donations for a local charity.)

Social initiatives like this are important because they teach kids that they are part of something larger than themselves, says Chapman.“We are interdependent and we have to be socially responsible—whether in a classroom or a community,” she says.

Participating in Roots of Empathy is another way schools are teaching emotional intelligence in the classroom. This widespread program—it ran in almost 2,400 Canadian schools in 10 provinces in 2016—teaches empathy through regular visits from a parent and baby. During each session, a trained facilitator guides the students’ observations about the baby’s feelings by helping them recognize and name what different facial expressions or vocalizations might mean. Then the kids are coached to think about a time when they felt scared or frustrated or sad, for example.

When children realize all humans—even babies—have these emotions, it’s the beginning of empathy, says Carolyn Parkes, the North American director of Roots of Empathy. Not only that, but when students learn to empathize, it becomes harder to be mean to peers.

“The research on Roots of Empathy shows that there’s a reduction in aggression and an increase in pro-social behaviours,” says Parkes. “When you understand another person’s feelings and who they are, it’s really hard to be hurtful to them. So the bullying decreases as a result.”

Joshua Freedman wants schools to approach social-emotional learning in a more systemic, developmental way. “I would like to see schools treat it much like math or any other area where there’s a scope and sequence. And we assess it, we focus on it, with time dedicated to it, and we don’t just do it for a couple days here and there,” says Freedman, although he concedes that any time spent developing EQ pays off.

In one Six Seconds study, the organization found that when a high school math teacher spent time on social emotional learning, the rest of the more traditional math lessons were easier to get through (compared with classes that didn’t have the EQ component). The teacher dedicated one class a week to emotional intelligence. She started by checking in with the students about how they were feeling and then moved on to an EQ exercise: for example, watching a video clip that dealt with a difficult decision and talking afterward about what made it hard. Finally, the teacher asked the students to write about a similar challenge or problem they were facing and then brainstorm solutions. The teacher attributed the results—improved math learning following EQ exercises over a three-month period—to better relationships, better communication and better context for problem solving in the classroom.

“It’s really a beautiful situation,” says Freedman. “By focusing a little time on social-emotional learning, we actually can go further in academics.”

Modelling EQ begins at home

Parents begin teaching emotional literacy to their kids from infancy. “One of the things that’s really important in the early years is for children to be able to understand how they’re feeling and to be able to put words to those feelings rather than acting out,” says Chapman.

She says the peak time for physical aggression in children is between ages two and five—before they start school. It’s a time when kids grab, hit or bite because they don’t have the language to express themselves adequately. But their aggressive communication presents an opportunity for parents to help them name those feelings and to coach them—through play or by moderating their play with other children—on how to get along.

Parents should also take a close look at their own emotional intelligence, says May Duong, director of parent education for Six Seconds. “It starts with our own self-awareness,” says Duong. Her organization has found that parents who participated in EQ workshops had better family interactions as well.

Have you ever told your kids to “suck it up” when they were sad or disappointed? Or responded to a crying child with, “You’re fine,” or “Don’t be sad”? That’s not very empathetic. Slowing down and trying to be less dismissive of how our kids are feeling is the goal.

Freedman, a dad to two teenagers, thinks parents have a tendency to dismiss children’s feelings because we don’t know what to do with them—their emotions are so very big and raw that we want to flip the happy switch as quickly as possible.

“When my kids are expressing strong feelings, I feel overwhelmed,” says Freedman. “But one of the things I’ve learned is that most of the time, I don’t have to do anything. Kids cry and you want to fix it. Instead, just sit. Bite your tongue.” You can validate or mirror their feelings, but ultimately, he says, “It’s their job to learn how to fix it. You can help them by coaching them in the moment.”

High EQ as a job requirement

Companies know that employees who score well on emotional intelligence will not only be able to do the job but will also be better equipped to read workplace situations, get along with co-workers, collaborate and solve problems.

“Employers of today are looking for individuals with high EQ. We’re working with companies like Google, American Express, and FedEx—and it’s high on their list when they select people,” says Steven Stein, CEO of Multi-Health Systems, a test-publishing company that came up with the EQi, one of the first tests of emotional intelligence. Testing prospective employees—usually as part of the final interview process—is legal, as long as it relates to the job they’re applying for, he says.

“We’re going on some pretty hard data when we select people,” says Stein, who has also authored The EQ Edge: Emotional Intelligence and Your Success and Emotional Intelligence for Dummies.

Employers testing the EQ of applicants illustrates a major shift in thinking, and it’s all the more reason I’ll continue to nurture my kids’ emotional intelligence. Their EQ—together with their IQ—will help pave a path to future success in all aspects of life.

Read the original blog post on Today's Parent

10 Emotionally Intelligent ways to build trust as a parent

Thu, 22 Nov 2018 12:27:31 GMT

Parenting is the toughest job on the planet. There’s nothing like it — little to no training, steep learning curve, constant failure, and punishing hours. Building trust is essential to your success as a parent. How can emotional intelligence help parents get through the toughest parenting dilemmas? When we practice trusting our emotions, taking emotional responsibility, and balancing trust with expectations, we build the infrastructure for healthy relationship for our kids and ourselves.

Here are ten practical tips to build trust as a parent…

On a sweltering Saturday afternoon, I sit by the swimming pool, watching my two boys play in the water. I notice a toddler girl, dressed in a pink swimsuit, leaping into the pool over and over again. Her dad stands ready to catch her. She squeals with joy. Then, she jumps beyond his reach, and a look of panic comes over his face. He dashes to catch her – just in time. Her smile is pure bliss – her dad’s is one of fear and relief.

The scene got me to thinking about what it means to build trust in parenting. Trust is such an essential element of parenting – so fundamental that it’s difficult to talk about or define it. What was it that allowed this little girl to trust that her dad is reliable and will do the right thing?

How does emotional intelligence help parents build trust with their kids? As we all know, trust is created through a series of positive interactions between a parent and child, starting from the early years of infancy. Trust created by the parent/child relationship is transferrable to different situations and has lifelong impact on a person’s ability to connect with others. Here are ten practical tips to build trust as a parent:

Trusting our emotions

When our kids are young, emotions (theirs and ours) can loom large. Sometimes, the big emotions can be disruptive and even obstructive. Parents tend to feel stressed about juggling many tasks against the pressure of time. So when children throw tantrums and don’t do what we ask of them, we usually don’t have time to deal with these emotions, and our inclination is to move past them with bribes, threats and distractions. But in order to help our kids with building trust in themselves, we must teach them about their emotions and how emotions are messages from themselves to themselves. The first step is to increase their emotional literacy.

Tip #1:

Acknowledge the emotions you see in your kids by using neutral language to describe what you observe: “I see that you are very frustrated with your sister."

Tip #2:

Help them label their emotions and progressively expand their emotional literacy: “How would you describe how you feel right now?"

Tip #3:

Validate the emotion you see: “I can understand why you are upset with your friend.” Validating doesn’t necessarily mean that you agree with the feeling, just that you notice it and can appreciate their point of view.

The neuroscience behind this last tip is that when we validate our kids’ emotions, we are giving them space to pause and feel accepted in how they feel. Meanwhile, their amygdala can cool down and then we can engage in solving the problem with them.

Taking emotional responsibility:

At one point, the little girl at the pool bumped her knee against the wall as she was trying to climb out. She cried, but her dad didn’t come to her rescue immediately. He let her cry as she continued to climb, all the while encouraging her to keep trying. She made it over the wall. At this point, she realizes that she can get herself out of a bad situation. She learns that she is capable of solving her own problems. In this incident, the little girl is learning to trust herself.

When we teach children to take responsibility for their own emotions, we are building the infrastructure of a trusting relationship. Emotional responsibility is the idea that each one of us is responsible for how we feel and how we handle our feelings.

Tip #4:

The best way to teach emotional responsibility is to teach by example. When you are in a conflict with another person, allow your kids to see “behind the scene” how you take emotional responsibility for the situation.

Tip #5:

As we tune in and notice, observing ourselves in action, we can better understand our choices. Then we will recognize the patterns that are productive and those that are not. As a family, share your patterns with one another and ask what others observe about yours.

Tip #6:

Brainstorm ways each person can take responsibility for their patterns. Being more aware of our emotions and taking responsibility for them will teach our kids about consequential thinking.

Balancing trust with expectations:

One day, seventeen year old William asked his dad if he could go to the movies with some friends. His dad initially said no, but a couple of hours later, William was told that he may go if he wanted and, and it’s his decision to make. William doesn’t completely trust that it’s his decision to make. Based on past experiences, whenever he is given a choice to make his own decision, there is usually a “right” answer that will make his dad happy and a “wrong” answer that will upset him. Sure enough, when William decided to go to the movies, his dad said that he was very disappointed in William’s decision.

Tip #7:

When we give our teens the power to make a choice, we have to be okay with the ultimate decision, even if it’s not what we had hoped for. To ensure that their decision is acceptable, make sure that you are okay with all options on the table. Limit their choices until you are confident in their decision-making. If William’s dad was not going to be okay with him choosing to go to the movies, then he should not have given him the decision to make.

Tip #8:

As parents, we all know that teen’s consequential thinking is not developed fully due to their prefrontal cortex. So we need to practice empathy when it comes to expecting our teens to think through their consequences. We need to help them apply consequential thinking, which is the concept of weighing pro’s and con’s, long-term vs short term, self vs. others, etc. in a decision-making process.

It’s in this practice of balancing boundaries with freedom and expectations with acceptance that we build a strong foundation of trust. Perhaps, if William and his dad sat down to talk about the consequences of each option, William might be better equipped to make choices that his dad would be satisfied with.

Tip #9:

Perhaps helping our kids to navigate adversity is one of the most difficult thing to do as a parent. For most parents, the natural instinct when our kids encounter challenges is to step forward “to show them the way” or “to prevent them from falling”. When parents rush to help, prevent mistakes, or ease the pain, we deprive our child of one of the most effective ways to learn to trust themselves by solving their problems. We also send a message that we don’t trust them.

Tip #10:

On the journey of parenting, there will undoubtedly be many ups and downs and new and unfamiliar circumstances in which we will not know how to parent. We will feel unequipped and daunted by the many issues we confront. One of the best way to deal with the tricky waters of parenting is to learn to navigate our own emotions. When you start to feel anxious and stressed out about your role as a parent, take a pause and breathe deeply and acknowledge what you are feeling. Then go back to Tip #2 & Tip #3 and start to label and validate your emotions. Over a span of time navigating your emotions, you may see a pattern start to emerge. Then you can decide whether the pattern is productive or unproductive.

When our kids learn about their emotions and get their emotions validated, they start to trust their emotions. When we are honest about our own emotions and our own shortcomings, we open a pathway for communication with our kids and build the foundation for trust. From this trust comes… trust in self, trust in others, trust that their needs will be met, trust that they can effectively influence their world, and more. Practicing these tips to build trust as a parent is a lifelong gift to your children!

This post was originally posted by Six Seconds - The Emotional Intelligence Network

What is your child’s love language?

Wed, 07 Nov 2018 10:23:38 GMT

We all know that children require love. Lots of love. But, did you know, that children, just like adults, have a preferred love language? Gary Chapman in his book “The Five Love Languages” outlines 5 ways to express love. According to Chapman each person has a primary love language. In many cases, a person’s preferred love language can be discovered by observing how a person prefers to show love. People tend to give love in the way they want others to show or give it in return, but it is important to realise that people feel loved in different ways.

The 5 love languages are words, touch, quality time, gifts and service. It is important to note that for small children spending quality time with them is one of the best ways you can show them you love them.

Which one describes your child the best?

Every family need to put love at the centre of their family. Lack of love deprives people of many things such as feeling wanted and appreciated. Create a loving environment where your child can feel loved, can love themselves and knows how to show love to other people .

Teaching your pre-schooler about love

At this young age you still need to focus a lot on showing your child love before expecting him/her to be able to show others acts of love.
Start giving your child reasons why you love him. Be careful not to make love seem to be a conditional thing.
Start showing your child your love for different things, like nature.
Make a list with your child of people you love and who loves you.
Teach your child a sign which means I love you e.g. putting your hand on your heart. Show this to each other as you drop your child off at school or when you are sitting somewhere between other people at a social event.
Make a “love heart”. Explain to your child how a picture of a heart is often used to symbolise love. You can share with them that the heart supplies blood to the body, the blood can be seen as love and that keeps us happy. This is an opportunity to explain what love is to your child and the importance thereof – use this time to also discuss things that might make your child not feel loved. Many parents have discovered small things through asking this question, which they never even realised they did.
Make a card together for someone you love. Talk to your child about why they chose this person.
Be physically and mentally present in your child’s life as much as possible.
Encourage your child’s dreams, however small they might be at this stage, and help them explore their interests.
Create a “Dance of Love” with your child. Create your own moves on a song that your child loves and spend time together dancing on this song and every time you hear it dance together. Hopefully your song won’t play in the middle of a shopping centre… but what the heck, do the moves and have as much fun as possible. This will also show your child that you are not afraid to show your love to them anywhere.
Role-play different stories and situations through which your child must show love.
Start explaining to your child what unconditional love is and means.
Put up a big picture of your child in the house on which you stick a note every week which says something good about him/her and a reason why you love them even more – please don’t do this in a way that will make love sound conditional, try to stick something on the picture which you love about them even if they have been bad.
Make a “help you because I love you jar” where you put in notes of things you can do with your child. Whenever your child is bored you can take out a note together and do something together which will make your child feel loved. Be prepared to make chocolate cookies for dinner or run through the sprinkler in the backyard at night.

Make sure you do not only know your children’s preferred love language but their temperament too.

Cultivate good manners in your children

Mon, 29 Oct 2018 00:00:00 GMT

Clarence Thomas said: “Good manners will open doors that the best education cannot.”

Never underestimate the importance of good manners. Children need to be taught at a young age to be kind and more considerate of others. Good manners are far more than just saying please and thank you. For good manners to really shine through it must become part of a person’s character. It is in the way things are said, and not just what is being said. In the way you greet and treat people. A “good morning” accompanied by a cold stare, can hurt someone’s feelings just as much as to not be greeted at all.

Children need to be taught to treat themselves, all other persons, animals and nature with respect. Remember, young children will copy what they see adults do. If you talk down to other people, they are going to copy that. If you treat everyone the same, they will do it too.

EQ4Kids Director, Antoinette Steyn, has the following tips on how you can teach your child good manners:

Start with the basics of “please” and “thank you” and add to that.
Encourage your child to politely greet other people.
Always be consistent in your teachings.
We used to have “anti-manners” dinners at home during which all manners were put off for that moment, no saying please or thank you, nothing. Afterwards, we will reflect on how awful and disastrous things can be without good manners. We would really play it out – I would be heartbroken for everyone not being thankful for the dinner I prepared, my husband would be disappointed about his wife who he loves so dearly, not getting the respect she deserves. Forcing the children to go and pour us something to drink and forcing them without thanking them gave them an opportunity to discuss how unappreciated they felt. We used to do this occasionally while they were still very young.
Let your children take turns to be “manner officers” during dinner. Make a badge the child, who is responsible at a certain night, can wear. He/she is then responsible for pointing out bad behaviour, like chewing while talking etc.
Help your child draw thank you/compliment notes which can be handed out to random people for good behaviour. Carry it with you in the shops, to a friend’s house etc., help your child look for potential people who deserve a note.
Help your child to understand his actions. Discuss reasons which might have led to him/her acting in a certain way and make them aware of alternative correct manners which could have been used.
Use the “jelly tots” game. During dinner time each person gets 5 jelly tots in front of them. Whenever they see someone displaying bad manners they get to take one of their jelly tots. The one with the most jelly tots at the end of dinner gets something like, a glass of chocolate milk, as a reward.
Have “pretend dinner parties” at your house where you pretend that your kids are your guests of honour. Light candles and make special food. They must go to the front door and ring the bell, they must make use of good manners, greeting you well and displaying good behaviour all through the dinner party. My kids discovered a lot of depth that could be added to their manner styles through this activity, such as listening with their whole body and smiling when someone tells something which excites them, as well as different ways of saying thank you.

Teaching them good Cyber Manners

Children practically grow up with smart phones in their hands and are exposed to the social media from an early age. Teach them that good manners are important when communicating through electronic devices too.

This include things like not writing anything just in capital letters, because we don’t want to let the other person think we are screaming at them.
They should also always remember that there is a person with real emotions and feelings behind the twitter, snap chat or Facebook accounts. Teach them if they are not prepared to say something to a person in real life, they shouldn’t say it on social media either.

The words they are not allowed to say in real life they may not type, use emoticons, for either.

Their real-life persona and their online persona should be the same. They should always remember the values and manners that they hold onto in real life, are also important when they communicate with someone online.

Teach them to always read and think before they send, because once something is “out” there, you can’t get it back.

Enrolling your children in EQ4Kids classes or workshops will assist you in your great educational task pertaining to all the necessary emotional skills to survive in the 21st Century. Contact us to find a franchise near you.

Teach your child how to be kind

Mon, 22 Oct 2018 00:00:00 GMT

Most people have a desire to be kind to others and to be helpful towards others. It is each parent’s great responsibility to teach their children how to express these natural desires. Research found that a person’s desire to help and comfort others comes just as natural to humans as the desire to sometimes be self-centred or hurtful. "It's almost as though we're born predisposed to be upset by other people's pain," says Alfie Kohn, author of The Brighter Side of Human Nature: Altruism and Empathy in Everyday Life.

Feel good emotions are good for everyone and everyone benefits from them – with good reasons. Scientific studies proved that kindness has many emotional, physical and mental health benefits. Patty O’Grady, PhD, a neuroscience expert, emotional learning expert and positive psychology expert who specialises in education has reported that: “Kindness changes the brain by the experience of kindness. Children and adolescents do not learn kindness by only thinking about it and talking about it. Kindness is best learned by feeling it so that they can reproduce it”.

Giving is as important as receiving

Children are not made happy by simply being the receivers of kindness. Their feelings of happiness escalate, their wellbeing improves, they can have more enriched friendships and bullying can be reduced when we teach them to be givers of kindness.

Children cannot learn kindness by only hearing about it. When a child experiences kindness they are better able to show kindness themselves. Research furthermore indicated that being able to display kindness increases our likelihood of forming meaningful relationships with others. The hormone oxytocin can be triggered when showing kindness and in turn, this hormone contributes to a variety of mental and physical health benefits.

Kindness is a quality which children learn over time and with practice. Thankfully there are many things that you as a parent can do to encourage your child to be a kinder, gentler person.

Helping your toddler:

Show your child appreciation for when he/she says please or thank you.
Model kindness to your child.
Gradually start teaching your child different expressions of kindness.
Giving hugs to siblings for helping a younger child to get something done.
Create a kindness project with your child; it can be a project which consist of random acts of kindness each day or it can be a one day in a month project where you do a big act of kindness together with your child.
Make time at the dinner table every night for all the family members to share their acts of kindness or an experience in which someone has been kind to them and have discussions on the topic.
Always try and make your kids a part of your kindness efforts e.g. when someone falls sick and you take flowers/food to them let your child join in on the act.
Teach your child to compliment others. E.g. Compliment a friend on wearing nice clothes or for having good manners.

Some tips for your pre-schooler:

Believe in your child’s ability to be kind. If a child is always treated as if he/she is up to no good, that child will most likely soon be up to no good. In contrast, if you believe that your child wants to be kind and help others, and make sure he/she knows that, your child will tend to live up to those expectations.
Start coaching your children to pay attention to the facial expressions of others. This is the first step in the process of starting to learn to see things from another’s perspective. It is easier, and we as people are also more likely to reach out to other people in need, when we are able to see their point of view.
Point out rudeness to your child in the right way. You might say “Wow, that lady must have had a terrible day and now she is taking it out on us by talking to us with such a mean voice, what do you think?” By doing this it is important that our children learn and understand that when someone is mean to you, you don’t have to be mean in response.
Teach your child to start asking the right questions. In a situation for instance, when they see a child looking sad and all alone on the playground. Teach your child to be caring by asking such a child questions like “are you okay”, “Is there something I can do to help you?”, “Is there anything you need?”, “Do you want to play with me and my friends?”.

Many parents prioritise the happiness of their children and their achievements too high above their children’s concern for others. It is important for children to also learn how to balance their needs with the needs of others.

You need to teach children that caring for others is also an important priority. This can be taught to children through simple things like holding them to high ethical expectations which can include honouring their commitments even if it will make them unhappy sometimes. E.g. before a child quits a team sport or friendship they should be taught to take into consideration their obligation to the group and they should be encouraged to try and solve the problem before quitting.

Create opportunities for your children to practice gratitude, kindness and caring.

Start expanding your child’s circle of concerns. Most children easily care about the people that are closest to them, but it is also important to start teaching them to care about people outside their circle of concern e.g. the new kid in school or the old lady who lives across the street.

Make sure to also read our blog on Practical Ways to Teach Your Child Social Skills

Teach your children to talk about their feelings.

Thu, 11 Oct 2018 07:00:29 GMT

Long gone are the days when people said: “children should be seen and not heard” and “boys don’t cry”. Nowadays we finally realized that emotions are part of being human. We all have it and we must learn how to manage it. Feelings and emotions play a vital role in motivating human behaviour. It is important to know what we are feeling and why we are feeling something. This will keep us from acting on these feelings in an inappropriate or harmful manner and help us to deal with them effectively.

According to 'The emotional life of the toddler' (1995) by Alica F. Lieberman, Simon & Schuster, “children’s emotional skills development starts at birth. Emotional skills include being able to recognise, express, understand and manage a wide range of feelings. These skills are important for children’s developing ability to interact successfully with others and their physical world. Children who can understand and manage their feelings, stay calm and enjoy their experiences, are more likely to develop a positive sense of self and be confident and curious learners.”

Babies and toddlers learn primarily through copying their primary care-givers. You must model the correct emotional behaviour to your child. If you tend to hide your feelings or do not react in an emotionally intelligent way, your child will do the same. Learn more about handling your own emotions .

Children need to be taught there is no such thing as unacceptable feelings, just as long as you express them in a healthy way. Talking about feelings and being able to put one’s feelings into words is one of the most important steps one can take towards feeling better.

This not only helps us improve our communication but can assist us in releasing anxiety and reduce the negative effect which bottled up feelings might hold. By sharing our feelings, we can reflect on them and better understand them. Many studies linked the repression of certain strong emotions to overall health problems. Learn more about the impact of emotions in EQ Explained - It starts with emotions .

Helping you to help your child

Expand on your child’s “feelings” vocabulary by making sure they don’t just know/learn the basic feelings such as sadness, anger or fear. Teach them more about feelings such as: lonely, friendly, nervous, confused, grateful or glad. Older kids can be taught more complex words such as frustrated, nervous or disappointed.
It is important for parents to accept the feelings of their children even if they don’t accept the bad behaviour which often accompanies negative emotions, because it is important to still convey the message to our children that it is in order to feel feelings, even the bad/negative ones.
Start seeing negative emotions in your child as an opportunity for you to help them grow.
Start teaching your child appropriate ways to deal with feelings that are uncomfortable. Children need to be taught that just because they feel angry, they can’t just break stuff or hit someone. Instead, they need to learn skills to manage their anger and resolve conflict peacefully.
Keep on modelling healthy behaviour and emotional reactions as a parent. Verbalise some of your emotions as well to use as an example for your child. E.g. “I am so mad that car almost bumped into us and I really got a fright”. Then take deep breaths and calm down so that your child can see that you deal with your own emotions and feelings. When you get mad as well and shout at the other car, your words afterwards in trying to explain yourself to your child are likely to fall on deaf ears.
Point out the expressions of certain feelings to your child. E.g. when you are watching a story on the television, tell your child “I think that lady is mad now, look at her face”.

Not everybody feels comfortable to talk about emotions, but it is an essential part of developing emotional intelligence. By doing this from a young age, you will create patterns of communication which will be much needed, especially in their teen years and beyond. Whenever a problem comes up, you and your child will have a big advantage, you will already have the necessary communication bridges in place.

Parents and children need to develop their EQ!

Thu, 04 Oct 2018 12:34:21 GMT

We are living in a world where there is constant change. What was unheard of 20/30 years ago, has now become the norm. Just think internet, social media, and how our phones have become mini computers in our pockets.

Not only have the advancement in technology changed the way we communicate forever, it also had a radical impact on the available jobs and careers. In the 80s children still learned how to type on typewriters at school to prepare for jobs such as secretaries and journalists. A mere 10 years later nobody had typewriters anymore.

The first social media platforms only saw the light in the late 90s. Nobody thought that it would take over the world and that social media managers would become a career choice 20 years later.

What does all this mean for parents today?

Parenting cannot be done the same way that it was done when you, your mother or grandmother grew up. The over 40s will remember the great pressure we were under to perform well in IQ tests, to take all the traditional subjects, to eventually qualify for well-established career paths in medicine, law, education, finances etc. You were supposed to get your diploma or degree, then start at a company and stay there until retirement. Not anymore!

Now we must teach our children entrepreneurial and business skills. They must know how to start and run their own businesses. Doing extremely well in the final matric examinations does not put them on a course for success anymore. IQ have become far less important than having emotional intelligence.

Companies are looking for people who can handle the constant pressure, who can work independently, as well as get along with people from all cultures, religions and sexual orientation. People who know how to think for themselves, be creative, be in touch with their emotions and be able to manage those emotions. Above all they must embrace change and be extremely adaptable both in skills and thought patterns.
You have the responsibility to raise your children as independent, multi-skilled, go-getters with good communication and relationship skills. It’s a tall order. Especially if you, like most of today’s adults, never learnt how to deal with emotions and only recently heard about the existence of emotional intelligence.

Fortunately, it is never too late to improve your own emotional intelligence levels.

The four domains of emotional intelligence:

Emotional Intelligence guru’s like Dan Coleman divide emotional intelligence into four domains, i.e. self-awareness, self-management, social awareness and relationship management. He explains the domains as follows:

“Self-Awareness concerns knowing one’s internal states, preferences, resources, and intuitions. The Self-Awareness cluster contains three competencies:

Emotional Awareness: Recognizing one’s emotions and their effects.
Accurate Self-Assessment: Knowing one’s strengths and limits.
Self-Confidence: A strong sense of one’s self-worth and capabilities.

Self-Management refers to managing ones’ internal states, impulses, and resources. The Self-Management cluster contains six competencies:

Emotional Self-Control: Keeping disruptive emotions and impulses in check.
Transparency: Maintaining integrity, acting congruently with one’s values.
Adaptability: Flexibility in handling change.
Achievement: Striving to improve or meeting a standard of excellence.
Initiative: Readiness to act on opportunities.
Optimism: Persistence in pursuing goals despite obstacles and setbacks.

Social Awareness refers to how people handle relationships and awareness of others’ feelings, needs, and concerns. The Social Awareness cluster contains three competencies:

Empathy: Sensing others’ feelings and perspectives and taking an active interest in their concerns.
Organizational Awareness: Reading a group’s emotional currents and power relationships.
Service Orientation: Anticipating, recognizing, and meeting customers’ needs.

Relationship Management concerns the skill or adeptness at inducing desirable responses in others. The Relationship Management cluster contains six competencies:

Developing Others: Sensing others’ development needs and bolstering their abilities.
Inspirational Leadership: Inspiring and guiding individuals and groups.
Change Catalyst: Initiating or managing change.
Influence: Wielding effective tactics for persuasion.
Conflict Management: Negotiating and resolving disagreements.
Teamwork & Collaboration: Working with others toward shared goals. Creating group synergy in pursuing collective goals.”

It’s a work in progress

The best way to start developing your emotional intelligence is to know yourself. Do you know what is your temperament? Do you know your strong and weak points? Have you dealt with emotional baggage from your past?

I strongly recommend you read EQ4Kids Director Lynette Beer’s blogs , it will help you on your journey to a better EQ.

Enhancing your children’s EQ

In the meantime, follow these basic guidelines to help your child to be in touch and in control of his/her emotions:

Accept all their emotions. Remember, that an emotion cannot be classified as good or bad. What is important is how we react to them. For example: When you are angry, you acknowledge that you feel anger, but instead of breaking things or hurting somebody, we practice deep breathing and calm down first before we talk about what had happened.
Help your child to put a name to what they are feeling. For example: “I can see that you are upset because you can’t play outside. You are feeling disappointed because it is raining today, aren’t you?”
Always encourage them to talk about their feelings. Ask them how something made them feel.
When you read them a story, make sure you talk to your child about the main characters’ feelings. Ask questions such as, how do you think Timmy felt when his dog ran away? How did he feel when he found him again?
Teach them to take a break when they are getting upset, overwhelmed or tired. Arrange a place in the house where they can go to calm down. Have a corner with calming music ready, books they can page through or colouring books and crayons. You know your child, if they calm down while playing with their building blocks, make sure you have blocks there. They should know that’s where they should go if they need some alone time to calm down and relax.
Teach your child positive self-talk and to keep on trying even if they are struggling with something. Praise their efforts.
Make sure your preschool child always knows how much he/she is loved. For a child to feel valued and to have a sense of security contributes greatly to their self-worth. Offer affection, kisses and cuddles to your child, not just in the happy moments but also in the aftermath of tantrums in order to show a child that your love is not conditional.
Encourage your child to try new things.
Always try and give your preschooler your undivided attention. Spend some quality time with each child individually.
Have discussions around the dinner table where each family member gets an opportunity to answer questions such as “Who did something today that was really hard?”, “Who made a mistake today from which they can learn something?” or “Who had something they struggled with today?” It is important for parents to also answer these questions with regards to themselves and share their age appropriate feelings with their child.

We, at Eq4Kids, believe that children from as young as 3-years can start to develop their EQ. You can help your child immensely in the process by enrolling him/her in one of our nationwide classes. Contact us to find a franchise near you.

You must teach your child communication skills

Fri, 21 Sep 2018 07:59:05 GMT

It’s sad to think that there are children today who thinks good communications skills consists of knowing the best social media sites and being able to text in class without taking your eyes of the teacher. They can only communicate if they are behind their smart phone screens, they don’t know how to have real relationships with real people in real life.

Being able to communicate effectively is an essential life skill. Studies have shown that people who communicate effectively are, amongst others, happier and more successful academically. The best way to teach children something is to try and make it fun, involve all 5 of their senses where possible. Some parents tend to think that a child’s language, speech and communication skills are just something that will develop automatically. This is unfortunately not true. Communication skills underline everything we do, and children don’t necessarily learn to talk automatically. Adults play a vital role in developing these skills.

A study found that 55 % of how a presentation is perceived, is dependent on non-verbal communication. As our children grow up, some parents focus on their verbal communication skills without considering the importance of non-verbal communication. Children can learn a lot about non-verbal communication through the way they express their emotions. Encourage them to express their emotions by making use of appropriate verbal, as well as, non-verbal cues.

During the preschool years, your child will be immersed in a world of formal and informal learning opportunities. A critical ingredient for success is language and communication skills, not just for learning concepts and skills, but also in getting along with others. Communication Skills for children are essential for them to interact with others and to have their needs met. Communication development for young children also includes the gaining of skills to understand and express feelings and thoughts.

What parents can and should do:

Read or tell stories to your child and discuss the stories together afterwards;
Ask questions to your child which will allow your child to make and express a choice;
Always model good listening behaviour when your child talks to you; e.g. pause an activity you were busy with and make eye contact.
Make time EACH DAY to talk and listen to your child.
Put an effort into teaching your child new words and their meaning.
Encourage your child to make use of as many words as possible to describe something and not just use gestures.
If you have a 4-year-old, this is a great age for expanding on your child’s communication through roleplay – roleplay different situations with him/her through which they can learn new ways of communicating. The best is to create situations which do not occur every day.
Have your child talk to you about something he/she is interested in, but make a rule that your child is not allowed to say things like “er”, “um”, “yes”. The more often you do this the more words you must add which may not be said.

What you can do with your 5 and 6-year-olds:

Do a presentation: Help your child find different pictures of something he or she really likes. Put it into a presentation and have your child give a presentation to your family or friends.
Use different pictures and have your child describe everything he/she sees in the picture and make up stories about certain pictures.
Tell a story to your child only half way and ask him/her to tell how he/she think the rest of the story goes.
Regularly ask your child to tell you about his/her day;
Remember to talk “with” your kids and not “at” them.
Ask questions which will require them to answer with more than just a “yes” or “no”.

Make a point of switching off all electronic devices every once in a while, where you as a family can spend time together. Give your children the undivided attention they deserve. If you can teach them good communication habits when they are young, it will be so much easier to communicate with them through the stormy teenage years and beyond.

Social interaction with their peers contributes to the development of communication skills. Give your child the advantage and enroll him/her in the EQ4Kids Programme. Contact us to find a franchise near you .

Take care to take care of your emotional-self*

Thu, 13 Sep 2018 10:49:18 GMT

*And teach your children the same

Self-care is something which we sometimes neglect and accordingly, we have to deal with disruptive emotions because of it. A healthy parent, with healthy emotional regulation skills and the ability to take care of themselves and their own personal development, is one of the greatest things we can be for our children.

Self-care requires you to make deliberate choices toward taking the time to make sure you are physically and emotionally healthy.

Self-care tips for parents:

Be excited again. Many psychologists suggest that numerous challenging or dreaded tasks can be made lighter by simply convincing yourself to be more excited about the tasks at hand and life in general;
Encourage yourself to be joyful along the way to success, despite the small failures you will encounter along the way;
Celebrate not just the big accomplishments in life, but also the minor ones.
Remember to take a break once in a while and that you are never too old for any kind of fun.

Why do you have to do the above? Well, self-care is an important part of nurturing a healthy self-confidence. It has many elements including, eating healthy food, having good values, making good choices and getting enough rest. For your child to learn these things, you must practise what you preach and make sure that you look after your own physical and mental health in order to lead a balanced life.

Teaching your children emotional self-care

Toddlers are capable of doing many things on their own, although they may sometimes still wish for help. It is important to give them more responsibility in relation to self-care and helping them discover that self-care also involves emotional care.
Make sure your child knows that you care about every single aspect of their lives and that they should too.
Discuss with your child certain emotional pains that he suffered up to date and ask how he feels about it today. E.g. “Do you remember the day you fell from your bicycle while you were still learning how to ride it? - tell me more about how you felt – what do you feel whenever you remember it?”
Encourage your child to assist you when making a list of shopping which needs to be done, to make sure all the self-care products he/she will need is listed;
Instead of always buying sweets/toys for your child, ask them to think of a self-care product which they can use instead and which you can buy for them;
Spend time talking at the end of each week, about the feelings your child felt during the week and what they can do to make sure that they experience more positive emotions more regularly.

Show empathy, approve feelings and give support

Whenever you are in doubt of how to react to something your child did, empathize. Your acceptance and empathy play a big role in helping your child accept his/her emotions, which in turn allows your child to resolve his/her feelings and move on. Empathy from a parent can teach a child that emotional life is not dangerous or shameful and that it is in fact manageable and universal. It is important for your child to know that he/she is not alone, and empathy reassures them that they are not.

Never shame a child when they get hurt and never try and distract them from their feelings. Make time for your child to tell or show you what happened and give them time to process what happened to them. It is not acceptable to say things to a child such as “that it just a little scratch it cannot hurt that bad” or “big boys never cry.”

Never disapprove of your child feeling things such as fear or anger – it will not stop them from having such feelings – it may lead to a child repressing these feelings. Feelings which has been repressed doesn’t just fade away, they are stuck and looking for a way out. Due to the fact that these feelings are not under conscious control anymore, they tend to surface unmodulated in ways such as when a preschooler hits his sister, a seven-year-old gets nightmares or a ten-year-old develops a nervous tic.

Allow your child to make use of their own emotional self-knowledge. Respect your child’s feelings about others. If your child feels uncomfortable around other people or doesn’t want to hug a certain person – teach your child to shake that person’s hand – never force them to do something which is emotionally uncomfortable for them. If there is a certain child your child does not want to play with – let your child express the reason for this, help your child to problem solve and accept their reasons.

Affirm your child’s ability to trust his/her own feelings. It is important for a child to make their own decisions with regards to relationships, from an early age.

When all is said and done, remember the old saying: “ an empty lantern provides no light. Self-care is the fuel that allows your light to shine brightly. " – Unknown.

If you want your child to become part of the EQ4Kids Programme, Contact us to find a franchise near you.

How to teach your child respect

Thu, 06 Sep 2018 10:41:44 GMT

Respect is a difficult concept to grasp as it is an abstract term which people can assign various definitions too. Broadly put it comes down to how you treat people and how you behave and speak to others. Respect can be referred to as an attitude. It is a way of responding to others which can be both verbal and non-verbal.

Respect is also the attitude of esteem or admiration – to hold in esteem or consider well-regard towards others, oneself and one’s possessions. A child who is respectful, takes care of belongings as well as responsibilities.

There is no step-by-step model which parents can apply to teach a child respect. Just like love is best learned by receiving love, so in turn respect is learned by receiving respect.

Children model the behaviour they learn from adults. When a child experiences and feels respected it is easier for such a child to understand how important it is. It is essential to start teaching this to your child as soon as they may begin to understand what you are saying to them.

Respect is learned behaviour

We often forget that children are not born with a built-in sense of respect. Each child might have a different personality, but all children need to be taught how to be respectful. From the day a child is born, they start learning to make use of certain behaviour to get their needs met and this is natural. However, it is the job of each parent to teach children respectful ways of doing so as they get older.

Children should be taught that respect means not calling people mean names but treating people with courtesy and caring enough about themselves to not do things which they know can hurt them. It contributes a great deal to the self-confidence of a child to be able to grow up with a lot of respect for him/herself and others.

Being able to respect others as well as yourself is one of the greatest leadership qualities. Ralph Waldo Emerson said: “What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you are saying”. Respect is something which you get by showing it and giving it to others. We need to teach our children that showing respect does not include compensating on your own good personal values. Appropriate behaviour consists of acting in a way that leaves room for respect towards yourself, as well as, respect towards others.

"We don't generally give our children the kind of respect that we demand from them," says Jerry Wyckoff, psychologist and co-author of Twenty Teachable Virtues. "We get confused because often, our upbringing makes us equate respect with fear: 'I really respected my father because I knew he'd hit me if ... ' that’s not respect — that's fear."

Start teaching respect to your toddler

As soon as your child can communicate verbally, teach him/her to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. Praise them for doing so.
Don’t get upset when your three-year-old calls you “dumb” – after all you know you are not. It is during times like these, when it is critical to model respectful behaviour. Politely tell your child that “we don’t call people bad names, you are allowed to call me mommy”.
Be both kind and firm in disciplining your child. Being kind shows that you have respect for your child and being firm shows that you have respect for what needs to be done.
Teach your child to be kind, friendly and polite when talking to people even when they disagree with them.
Teach your child to accept others for who they are and to treat everybody in the same way.
Start teaching your child to have respect for all living things. Show them how to hold a puppy, take care of a kitten.
Show them the wonders of nature, from how ants walk in a perfect line to the beauty of a sunset. Teach them not to kill and destroy, but to preserve and safe our natural resources.

Respect and your pre-schooler

Get in alignment with your life partner. It is important for respectful behaviour to be modelled by both parents and for discipline standards to be set the same way by both parents. Make sure one parent is not trying to address disrespectful behaviour while another parent lets certain things slide.
Always be respectful when you correct your child on the way they behave.
Have realistic expectations for your child which you know they are able to meet in order to create opportunities for praise which will be one of the biggest encouragements for a child to expand on their respectful behaviour.
Expect respect. Before going somewhere inform your child what will be expected of them. Never let your child think that manners are optional or temporary.
Commit your child to using “I” sentences. If your child for instance tells you a story of kids who did something wrong and your child was a part of this, hold them accountable to say, “I was rude”.

Respect might mean different things to different people, but in the end it all comes down to attitude. If you have an attitude of superiority towards others and treat others with disdain, your child is going to mimic that. On the other hand, if you treat others, not matter their race, religion, status, career or language, with kindness and a positive attitude, your child will do it as well.
Remember to have patience when teaching your child respect. The older they get, the more they are influenced by the world around them. Keep the communication channels open between you and talk to your child about incidents that had happened during the day. Even if he/she had been rude, misbehaved or mistreated someone or something, discuss it with him/her and make sure your child understands why it was wrong and how he/she should have handled it.

If you want your child to become part of the EQ4Kids Programme, Contact us to find a franchise near you .

How to teach your child about personal space

Wed, 29 Aug 2018 14:14:46 GMT

Teaching your children about personal space can be difficult. As with most things pertaining to emotional intelligence, the question about how big or small your personal space is, also depends a lot on your temperament.

While the people-orientated Yellow and Greens love to hug people, and do not have a problem with sitting and standing close to others, the task-orientated Reds and Blues, prefer to keep people at a distance. A toddler with a Blue temperament will not go around hugging everybody and will most probably shy away from greeting people. A child with a Yellow temperament will most probably make friends with anybody and loves to give out hugs to anybody they deem fit to have one.

As a parent it is your responsibility to teach your child about personal space. Be it to teach a shy child that sometimes it is necessary to let people get close to you and how to greet people with confidence or to teach your extroverted little Miss Sunshine that she cannot just assume that everybody she sees is a potential friend or that everybody appreciates being hug all the time.

Respect and protect

It is important to teach children to respect the personal space of others, but also to protect their own. When children feel comfortable with their bodies, understand their bodies and can identify parts of their bodies, it will be easier to explain to them about defending and defining their personal space. A child of five is already capable of grasping this concept and will also be able to display it.

Most children can instinctively sense whenever they are entering someone’s personal space and whenever theirs are entered. This, however, does not come naturally for all children. If your child struggles with identifying when his/her personal space is being invaded, it has the potential to make your child vulnerable to inappropriate conduct. It is thus important to make sure that your child does fully grasp this concept.

Visual cues can help

Making use of visual clues with regards to personal space works well for very young children. When your child was a baby, you perhaps fenced off certain parts where the child was not allowed or where the child could get hurt.

As children grow up it is important to have family rules defining personal spaces for each family member. Everyone needs a space that is just theirs. Basic lessons with relation to personal space can be taught to children by telling them to close the bathroom door when they are using the toilet etc. Start making your child aware of your own personal space limits, for example by telling them that you are going to close the door because you need some privacy for a minute.

At the infant/small toddler stage, personal boundaries are, however, mostly related to safety. When teaching young kids about personal space, it helps to make sure that they have visual cues which can assist them in this process. E.g. A gate, a wall, a line or marking which allows them to be able to see certain boundaries.

Teaching your toddler

Help your child discover who should and who should not be in their personal space by discussing this regularly. In a book written by Julia Cook entitled, “Personal Space Camp”, children were taught the basics of personal space through a game where each child ran around with a hula-hoop around them, they were chasing each other and when they tagged each other they had to just touch the other’s hula-hoop with their own.
Practice social scripts with your children, teach them things to say when someone is in their personal space e.g. “please move over, you are too close” etc.
Again, it is important to model the behaviour that you wish to see in them, make them aware of your consciousness towards your own personal space.
Make sure your child knows who can come close to them and who should not. Make sure they know how to say “you are too close to me” out loud when an unwanted person comes too close to them or makes them feel uncomfortable.
Help them create a personal space in their room which they can use for spending time alone. E.g. a chair at a desk in their room. Remind them that whenever they want to spend time alone, they can sit at their desk and draw pictures for example and you will know that they need time alone and will respect their personal space.

Teaching your pre-schooler

Teach your child that positive relationships are the result of respecting personal space.
Help your child to practice saying “no” to someone who invades their personal space.
This is also a great age to start showing your child some of the body language that someone will typically display if you are invading their personal space so that they will be able to recognise it.
Use a rope and make a small circle with it – let your child sit in the circle and explain to your child that people who are close to us, like our family, are people we are comfortable with and our personal space for them is smaller. Make the circle bigger and explain to your child that with strangers and other people the personal space boundaries are bigger. The less we know the person, the bigger our personal space.
Start giving your child a “cue word”, like “personal space” whenever he/she gets too close to someone to remind them of what they were taught.
Also explain to your child that there are certain situations where someone will end up in their personal space, such as sitting on the bus or standing in a queue at school. Explain that these situations are unique and allowed.

Make sure your child knows that they can talk to you about anything and create opportunities where you and your child can discuss topics like personal space. Never force a child to kiss or hug anybody, regardless if it is family or not, as long as they greet everybody in a friendly manner, no physical contact is required.

If you want your child to become part of the EQ4Kids Programme, Contact us to find a franchise near you.

Every child, and adult, needs to have a good attitude towards life

Thu, 23 Aug 2018 12:56:47 GMT

In that Disney Classic, Marry Poppins, she sings “a spoon full of sugar, helps the medicine go down”. It has a catchy tune, but this song also carries much wisdom. If you have a good attitude, you can face all of life’s challenges, getting better without getting bitter.

Your attitude is your perspective on life. It determines how you react to change, to people and to your circumstances. It’s far more than the “do you see the glass half full or half empty” scenario. It’s to have a “I can” and “I will” way of living.

It’s true that some temperaments, the Blue and Greens, tend to be more negative towards life, while the people with Red and Yellow temperaments, tend to be more positive. (For more on the Four Colour Temperaments click here ).

Although your temperament is inborn, you can always learn to adopt a positive attitude towards life in general. The earlier this education process start, the better.

You are the role model

For your child to have a positive outlook on life, you must have a positive one too. Children do not always listen to what adults say, but they do copy them! If you are forever complaining about your circumstances, the bad economy, people irritating you or how much you dread going to work on a Monday, chances are your children will be doing it too.
Positive thinking is a skill that can be taught to a child by any loving adult. It develops greatly from the basis of receiving encouraging words, believing in your child and creating a world for them in which they can learn that there is always an opportunity and good things right around the corner.

Positive thinking starts out with only a seed planted in the mind of a child. Try to often remind your child that they are destined for great things. A positive attitude can make life more manageable, especially in a world filled with violence, negativity and suffering. It is not always possible to control what happens to us, but we can be more conscious towards reacting more positively. When children develop a positive attitude early in life, positive thinking becomes a habit for them which can ease the pressures associated with growing up.

Let’s look at some practical age-appropriate things you can do with your child to help them develop the right attitude.

Tots and toddlers:

Never underestimate the value of your own actions. Children will watch and copy what their parents do. Constantly review the attitude you have towards life as a parent.
Make use of “teachable moments”. These are the small moments in your own life, and that of others, which you can use to help children see how to overcome adversity and how to remain positive.
Have your child think of someone with a good attitude and someone with a bad attitude and have them tell you more about these people. Point out to them how they rather might enjoy spending time with the person who has a good attitude.
When your child is mad or upset about something, after talking it through, do something really funny which will make them laugh and point out to them how much better they feel if a change in their attitude occurs.
Start teaching your child words which describes someone with a good attitude e.g. Appreciates things, doesn’t complain often or smiles a lot.

Pre-schoolers:

Help children explore what their own attitudes are like. Make use of situations they encountered before. Help them become aware of how they think and feel and help them to expand on the ways they reacted in certain situations. Go back to things that have happened to them and point out the good things which had happened or lessons they had learned through unpleasant situations.
Ask your child to come up with one thing that makes them feel really bad and ask them to come up with an idea on how to see this as a good thing as well.
Teach your child to start controlling the thoughts they have and the conversations they have with themselves. Rather than saying “I am not good at this” teach them to be able to say, “I might not be good at this yet, but luckily there are many other things I am good at”.
Start teaching your child that feeling positive or negative about something is their choice.
Create more opportunities for your child to do things they are really good at. Having confidence plays a big role in having a good attitude.
Start keeping a journal with your child of all his/her good accomplishments as well as occasions where he/she learned lessons. Encourage them through this to not only see good things and bad things, but rather good things and opportunities through which they have learned a new lesson even though it might seem like something bad had happened.

The school years:

In which way do you, as a parent, tend to see things – do you deliberately choose to look for the good/positive in every situation no matter how bad it might be? Do you make sure that you comment on things or situations in life by making use of positive or uplifting words rather than always saying negative things?
Every day consists of opportunities to teach our children to have a good attitude. You can, for instance, point out negative things around you to your child and encourage them to look at it and rather identify something positive/display a good attitude.
Teach your child to be thankful. Let him/her start a journal where they list 5 things each day for which they are thankful for. Let him/her also write down on a weekly basis the things they want to achieve during the week. Discuss with them how they want to achieve their goals. Give positive encouragements.
If your child is really struggling with something, always remind them to think of all the things they have done well in the past, and all the problems they have overcome. Encourage them to say: “I can do this, and I will keep on trying until I succeed.”
Teach your child to not give up, but to keep on trying. Encourage him/her to read books, watch movies where the character struggled at first but didn’t give up and succeeded in the end.
Share with your child your own stories of how you had struggled with something but with persistence and determination managed to overcome your struggles. Choose stories from your own past when you were your child’s age, and not necessarily those that you have struggled with as an adult.
Guide your child to discover ways to deal with bad moods, failure or heartaches. He/she might find it relaxing to listen to music, play with clay, paint, or build something with their blocks. When he/she really struggles with something, say for example a difficult maths problem, teach them that it’s okay to leave the problem for a while and to step away and do something to calm down, like reading or listening to music, before trying the problem again.

Cultivating a positive attitude takes time and patience. Praise your child’s efforts towards having a good attitude and encourage them to keep on trying when they are struggling to stay positive.

Being part of an EQ4Kids class will help your child greatly in dealing with his/her emotions and in cultivating a positive attitude. Contact us to find a franchise near you.

Practical ways to develop your child’s social skills

Thu, 16 Aug 2018 07:13:50 GMT

Social skills form the basis of all human relationships. The better your social skills are the greater chance you have of being successful, not only in your career, but in your interpersonal relationships as well. It is therefore important to develop a child’s social skills from the start.

Children gain a lot of experience and learn a lot of important social skills through playing and interacting with friends. The key to strong preschool social skills is emotional competence. Social development in children builds on a child’s primary relationship which is of course the bond they have with parents or their guardian.

It appears many aspects of social development are an innate part of a child’s temperament, but we also know that environmental factors can play a big role in shaping the social development of a child. Psychologists have become increasingly aware of the fact that social skills can and should be taught to children. There are many studies which have proven that shy children can become more outgoing, children who tend to isolate themselves can be taught to make friends and aggressive children can learn to have better self-control.

Always remember to teach your child new skills in an age-appropriate way. Herewith are some practical tips you can do to develop your child’s social skills from EQ4Kids’ Director, Antoinette Steyn:

Children of 3 and 4 years

At this age, children are still learning how to get along with other children. It can be helpful if you as a parent can plan different activities for your child to do at home before a friend comes over to play. Encourage your child to be a part of deciding what he/she would like to play with when the friend comes over.

This is a great age to start reading stories to your child on positive friendships.

Start making your child aware of your appreciation for your own friendships.

Start teaching your child to count to five/ten before reacting/to calm down.

Practice different ways to start a conversation with your child as well as different ways to get a person’s attention.

Teach your child how to approach different friends with whom he/she wants to play.

Whenever your child experiences something new, ask them whether they have any questions they want to ask to find out more about the new experience.

The preschoolers (5/6-year-olds)

Start teaching your child how to make choices first through simple activities like:

When it is Grandpa’s birthday ask your child to help you decide what gift to get him. Discuss what he likes, what his hobbies are and what the pros and cons of certain gifts will be.
Start sizing up decisions. Teach your child that decisions fall into categories of small, medium and large. Small decisions might include deciding which snack to take to school and requires much less time to decide upon. Medium decisions might include deciding which book to read because it requires a little more thought. Large decisions can be things like choosing which hobby to start doing or which sport to start participating in, these decisions call for more time and needs to be thought through. The next time your child struggles to decide which juice to order at the restaurant, remind your child that it is part of the small decisions.
Help your child engage their critical thinking skills and sharpen their decision-making skills by playing the “what if” game. Make up examples in which they must make a choice. E.g. “What if you get invited to two different parties which will be held on the same day at the same time, how will you choose which one to go to?”

Teach your child some of the basic social skills and have your child practice these skills on you and display these skills to your child in your everyday life. Examples:

How to start conversations.
How to express what I want/don’t want and what I feel.
How to compliment other people.

Social skills required before Grade 1

Here is a list of some of the basic things a child must be taught to do to contribute to the development of his/her social skills. Review the list and reinforce those your 6-year-old child might struggle with:

Saying please and thank you;
Deal with anger and frustration;
Ask questions appropriately;
Accepting consequences administered by a teacher;
Accepting responsibility for own behavior;
Dealing with losing/frustration/insults/making a mistake in an appropriate manner;
Starting a conversation with others;
Joining a group activity which is already in progress;
Following directions;
Making friends;
Complimenting others;
Understanding the feelings of others;
Compromising on issues;
Cooperating with peers;
Coping with taunts and verbal/physical threats/aggression from others;
Seeking attention in an appropriate manner;
Waiting your turn.

At EQ4KIDS we help children develop their emotional intelligence. We teach them in a fun and practical way how to face and handle strong emotions like fear and being scared. Contact us and find a franchise near you!

Facing your child’s fears – is nothing to be scared of

Mon, 13 Aug 2018 07:59:45 GMT

As parents we have all experienced a situation in which our child is afraid of something and as parents we want to help our child get over this fear. Many anxiety specialists believe that facing one’s fears is the best solution for this, but in the case of a small child it is important to do this at the child’s pace and very gradually. It will sometimes be a frustrating experience, but never push your child too far. Anxiety is a natural condition in some instances which helps us deal with new experiences and which sometimes protects us from danger.

An online article from Kids Health specifies that “the nature of anxieties and fears change as kids grow and develop:

Babies experience stranger anxiety, clinging to parents when confronted by people they don't recognize.
Toddlers around 10 to 18 months old experience separation anxiety, becoming emotionally distressed when one or both parents leave.
Kids ages 4 through 6 have anxiety about things that aren't based in reality, such as fears of monsters and ghosts.
Kids ages 7 through 12 often have fears that reflect real circumstances that may happen to them, such as bodily injury and natural disaster.

As kids grow, one fear may disappear or replace another. For example, a child who couldn't sleep with the light off at age 5 may enjoy a ghost story at a slumber party years later. And some fears may extend only to one particular kind of stimulus. In other words, a child may want to pet a lion at the zoo but wouldn't dream of going near the neighbour’s dog.”

How to handle your child’s fears.

Herewith some useful age-appropriate tips from our EQ4Kids Director, Antoinette Steyn.

When your toddler is being scared…
Try to always acknowledge your child’s fears; don’t force them to always do something they are afraid of. Teach them about what they are afraid of and tell them stories of someone who overcame a similar fear.

Be reassuring and comforting when it comes to your child’s fears – your child needs this to understand that it is in order to have fears and that they can be dealt with.

Don’t share your own current fears like being afraid to go to the dentist or similar situations with your child. If you want to share your experiences of fear with your child, rather make use of telling him/her stories of when you were his age and how you overcame a fear.

Praise your child’s brave behaviour. Not just the ones related to the specific fear but also other instances in which your child displays brave behaviour.

Never punish your child when he/she backs away from facing a fear – this is when they need your comfort.

Helping your pre-schooler faces his/her fears

Work on increasing your child’s physical skills. When children learn to control and explore their bodies, it contributes to increased physical confidence.
Start teaching your child relaxation techniques such as deep breathing or self-distraction, for instance by listening to a story.
Always try to display confidence to your child. In many situations children take their cues from their parents, if you want your child to be brave, you need to be brave too.
Always be patient and reassuring.
Don’t let your own anxieties influence your child.
Reinforce exposure rather than always avoiding your child’s fears. Start gradually by reading them a positive story on spiders when they are afraid of spiders. Allow for small victories to take place in the process of helping your child face a fear.
Start teaching your child positive “self-talk”. By telling themselves for instance “I am brave” or “I can do this”.

The school-going years

Never shame, blame or embarrass your child when it comes to the things they fear.

Encourage your child to experience the emotion of fear without giving their fear the power over their behaviour.

Assist him/her in exploring different ways to deal with fear instead of forcing them to get over their fears.

Communication is key. Make sure your child knows he/she can talk to you about everything. Listen emphatically and help them come up with solutions.

Should your child have a phobia of something, that is an irrational fear that hamper his/her life, please seek assistance from a trained play therapist.

At EQ4KIDS we help children develop their emotional intelligence. We teach them in a fun and practical way how to face and handle strong emotions like fear and being scared. Contact us and find a franchise near you!

Teaching children thankfulness… some helpful tips for parents

Fri, 03 Aug 2018 08:03:00 GMT

Thankfulness is not only about saying thank you when someone gives you something or do something for you. It’s about having an attitude of gratitude. It’s a lifestyle choice that benefit a person’s total wellbeing and ensure a positive outlook on life.

In a world where we tend to focus on the negative and where we are bombarded daily by bad news in the media, life can start to feel like a survival game and a consistent struggle just to keep up.

Having an attitude of gratitude will not change your circumstances, but it will change your perspective on life. For adults it means you have to re-programme your brain to focus on what you have and not on what you don’t have. To focus on the positive things instead of the negative. To count your blessings every day instead of listing your burdens. Re-programming is a difficult and time-consuming process.

Fortunately, children can be taught from a very early age to have the right attitude towards life. Cultivating thankfulness in children can give them the advantage of becoming better adjusted adults with coping skills in place to handle everyday life.

How to you go beyond teaching them to say thank you and cultivate an attitude of gratitude? Here are some useful age-appropriate tips for parents from our EQ4Kids Director, Antoinette Steyn:

Tips for parents with toddlers

You can start exploring the subject of thankfulness when your child is 3-years-old. Focus on teaching them to be appreciative of certain and specific things like pets, objects and people.

Pre-schoolers are not necessarily ungrateful, it is just that in certain aspects they don’t understand gratitude the way an adult does.

Be patient with your child and see everything you do towards teaching your child thankfulness as one brick in the wall towards building a house.
Begin at dinner time, once a week, by giving each member of the family a chance to say what they are thankful for.

Help your child create thank you notes to give to people.

By age 4 most children are able to be thankful for not only material things, but also for acts of service and certain qualities in people.

Show your child that you are thankful for them and the things they do;

Don’t demand that your child to say thanks – rather say, “I like it when you say thank you” and praise your child when they do show gratitude;

Consider the reasons for ungrateful behaviour. When your child is ungrateful and is still a toddler, it is necessary to take into consideration whether your child might be uncomfortable, hungry, tired etc.

Take your child’s temperament into consideration – some children are just more talkative than others – never embarrass your child for not being grateful;

Encourage your child to help others. It is good for them to receive appreciation from others; this will contribute to them learning the importance thereof.

Tips for parents with 5-6-year-olds

Try not to always buy your child something when he/she demands it.

Teach your child appreciation by demonstrating it as often as possible.

Find ways to show your appreciation for your child other than material things.

Have in depth discussions with your child about the two things he/she was most grateful for during each day.

Put it in their memory. Help your child to write a song or poem which they can learn and memorise.

Make a unique gift list. Make a list of gifts that can be given to people other than material things and help your child choose when he/she can give this gift to certain people. E.g. “Today is Grandma’s birthday – let’s pick something on the list like picking flowers for her to say we love and appreciate her.”

Make a gratitude jar with your child. Put notes in this jar every regularly of things they were grateful for and read everything in the jar occasionally.

Tips for parents with children in primary school

Share your ability to be thankful for everything you have with your child and encourage them to do the same.

Encourage your child to start a Thankfulness Journal where he/she has to write five things every day that they are thankful for. Encourage them to read through this Journal on the days that they are feeling down or negative.

The wonderful things in your life can either mean nothing or everything to you, your life can feel empty or fulfilled, it all depends on your decision to be thankful and appreciative of what you do have instead of wanting only what you don’t have.

When we spend all our time wanting more and needing more we end up creating a life which never brings fulfillment. In contrast, when we wake up every day and make a conscious decision to see everything we have and be thankful for it – we end up having a life filled with riches, happiness and more than we could ever want. This type of mindset is something we can teach our kids by displaying these qualities ourselves.

Teaching your child about consequences

Thu, 26 Jul 2018 06:53:47 GMT

As adults, we know that every choice we make has a consequence. Bad choices can lead to bad consequences. If you ignore the speed limit on the highway you will end up with a hefty fine. If you stick to a healthy diet you will reap the rewards of looking and feeling good. Most people know to take responsibility for their own actions and face the consequences, good or bad, heads on.

Others have never learned this valuable lesson and that is why you get middle-aged people still passing the bucket and playing the blame game. The good news is that if we can teach our children now how to face up to consequences, take responsibility and make better life choices, the consequence will be that they will one day be much better equipped to handle everyday life than some of the “blamers” and “responsibility-dodgers” out there today.

How not to do it

eaching children about consequences can be a daunting task. The administration of blame, shame or pain is not acceptable. Remember growing up in the times when teachers had all the power? How many ear pinches, smacks against the head and name calling have you endured because you didn’t understand algebra or didn’t do your homework? Did any of that help you?

A friend of mine had a problem with sweaty hands when she was in Grade 3. The more nervous she got, the more her hands sweat. She was also left-handed, which meant ink marks on her hand as she tried her very best to write neatly. Unfortunately, she had a teacher who detested any smudge or mark in the books. Every day she got a spanking because her books were untidy, every day her books looked worse. Vicious cycle. Nothing learned. Until this day, decades later, she still resents that teacher and still shies away from writing anything by hand where others can see it. (She will be forever thankful of computers and yes, she is a writer!)

Jane Nelson refers in her blog, positive discipline, to the Four R’s that might result from, shall we call it traditional punishment:

Resentment ("This is unfair. I can’t trust adults.")
Revenge ("They are winning now, but I’ll get even.")
Rebellion ("I’ll show them that I can do whatever I want:
Retreat, in the form of sneakiness ("I won’t get caught next time.") or reduced self-esteem ("I am a bad person.")

She also states that: “Parents and teachers don’t like to admit that, often, the main reason they like to use punishment is to demonstrate their power to win over the child or to gain revenge by making the child suffer. The subconscious thinking behind this idea is, I am the adult and you are the child. You will do what I say—or else you will pay.”

That attitude will not help your child to learn how to take responsibility for their actions, neither will it help them to learn how to come up with solutions to problems.

Be consistent and creative

At EQ4Kids we believe a consequence is something that follows from a person’s actions, inactions or even poor decisions. It is different than punishment in that punishment is retribution. When you give a child a consequence it is important to have it related to the child’s choice or action. E.g. if your son sleeps too late and that makes him late for school, the natural consequence will be for him to go to bed earlier that night.

One thing that tends to make consequences more effective is consistency. Consequences also work best when they are immediate. Children need to receive immediate feedback for their positive and negative behaviours. Remember that consequences should be used to discipline your child without shaming them.

Creativity can help parents think past the old ways of implementing consequences that don’t work. Find consequences that will also reinforce a child’s learning needs in the moment.

Toddlers are still a lot like little scientists trying to figure out what the limits are. When it comes to disciplining these children, it should be all about creating opportunities for natural learning. Sometimes failing on its own can be the natural consequence for a child at this age. We are sometimes too quick to rescue children from suffering certain consequences in order for them to not be in a tough situation.

Practical tips for parents

3-year-olds: Keep consequences short at this age, it shouldn’t be something that lasts for more than three minutes. Allow your child to fix his/her own mistakes and encourage them to do so. Keep in mind that it will probably not be fixed up to your standards as an adult but encourage them and praise them for their efforts.

4-year-olds: If children don’t put items away like they are asked to, start teaching them that the item will be taken away, but they can buy it back with money they can get for doing chores.

5-year-olds: Make a homemade “correction” can or “chore” can. Put different pieces of paper in the can with different consequences written on them. Instead of always giving your child a timeout, start making use of this jar. Whenever your child does something which needs a consequence and when you cannot think of one at the moment which is related to what they did wrong, send them to the can to pick a slip. A few ideas of what to put on these slips might include early bedtime, no TV for a night or an extra chore. Try to also toss in a blank piece of paper, which can be seen as a “mercy” card.

6-year-olds: Start making your child aware of consequences by restructuring the way you communicate certain things to your child such as:

If you can’t find your shoes, dad will help you find them, but there will be a finder’s fee.
If you cannot behave well towards your sister, mom will assume that you need some time to think about it and I will send you to another room to sit.
If you fight with your brother, mom will assume that you have nothing better to do and I will give you a chore.
If you keep shouting or speaking unkindly, you will lose your freedom to speak.
If you do not use your good table manners, mom will ask you to dine somewhere else which might not be this comfortable.
If you keep on tipping your chair back, I will see it as unsafe for you and I will have to ask you to stand through dinner.

Older children: Consequences can be a very interactive topic of discussion – find ways to explore the subject with your child. When discussing consequences, you can give examples of certain situations and scenarios and ask your child to determine what the consequences will be. Encourage them to start making decisions by taking into consideration the consequences first.

Most important of all. Never act out of anger. Calm down before you act. Make sure your child feels loved even when he/she has to face the consequences. Be a positive role model by taking responsibility for your own choices and actions without making excuses or playing the blame game. Your child will follow your example.

When your child gets angry

Thu, 19 Jul 2018 11:34:48 GMT

Children and adults lose their tempers occasionally. Small children tend to either yell, scream, throw something or even want to hit something or someone. Everyone gets angry; but children have to learn from a young age what not to do when they are angry. It is okay to get angry, just as long as the anger gets released in appropriate ways. It is important for parents to find ways not to feed negatively into their child’s emotional outbursts.

Co-owner and founder of EQ4Kids, Antoinette Steyn, gave the following tips for parents on how to handle anger according to the child’s age:

Tips for parents (3-year-olds):

Start teaching your child to remove him/herself from the situation and to recognise what it is that sparks their anger. Practice regular relaxation techniques (deep breathing) with your child after they felt angry.

Tips for parents (4-year-olds):

Increase your child’s emotional awareness. The more a child is encouraged to express difficult feelings, the less emotions will build up and lead to an overflow in anger.

Improve your child’s emotional literacy by talking to them about anger and other feelings regularly.

Frequently refer to your own and other people’s feelings and explain them to your child. Reflect on your child’s emotional situations and question your child’s feelings. Whenever your child makes insulting comments or strong statements, make them aware of the feelings they might have that can make them say such things. If your child says something like “my brother is stupid”, point out to your child that you think they might just be upset because their brother interrupted the time you were spending together.

Tips for parents (5-year-olds):

Always accept your child’s feelings and redirect your child’s anger. Never dismiss your child’s difficult feelings by saying things like “calm down, it is not such a big deal ” or “you are a big boy now you can’t cry about that ”. It can cause your child to be misunderstood and only add frustration to the emotion they might be experiencing. Accept what your child is feeling, name the feeling and direct your child towards an appropriate outlet for the emotion. For example:

Identify your child’s feelings: “Wow Susan, that really made you upset”
Show understanding: “You don’t like it when your brother plays with your toys without asking”
Encourage appropriate expression of feelings: “Will you try and show me how you are feeling” – draw a picture, tore a piece of paper etc. or just use words to explain it.
“What would be a better way to solve this problem”? Help your child come up with a solution.

It is important to teach children that feeling angry is in order, but aggressive behaviour is not acceptable. Try to tell your child what they did wrong after being aggressive. Try to do this calmly otherwise it might seem as if you have lost control yourself, which is a bad example for a child. Children also need to be taught to take responsibility for their actions.

Remember that when kids live in an environment where anger is dealt with in a healthy way, they generally learn to deal with their anger constructively.

Tips for parents (6-year-olds):

Only actions must be limited, but all feelings must be allowed.

It is true that children need your love most when they “deserve it least”: Instead of making use of “time out” and making your child sit alone with all the big scary feelings, try to rather make use of “time in” - during this time you must stay with your child and help your child to move through his feelings.

Children tend to gradually show more self-control when parents make use of this method because they will feel less helpless and alone.

Above all always remember that our children copy our behaviour. They will do what they see you do. The best way you can teach them how to manage and control anger is to learn how to deal with your own anger in a calm and efficient way.

Dealing with anger is just one of the many topics we present in our EQ4Kids classes. Your child will benefit greatly if he/she can become part the EQ4Kids Development Programme. For more information complete the following enquiry form or contact us .

A Parental guide to the 4 Temperaments…

Fri, 13 Jul 2018 11:38:38 GMT

The four temperaments, Popular Yellow, Powerful Red, Peaceful Green and Perfect Blue, each has strong and weak points in adults as well as in children. While all the temperaments are equally important in life, it is necessary to work on each temperament’s weak points and build on the strong ones.

The result will be that you will have a child that is more balanced, and who is able to sustain healthy relationships from a very young age. Be careful to never use anyone’s weak points against them and to not try and change someone’s temperament.

According to Lynette Beer’s book The Windows to Your Personality the following are each temperament’s major weak points, fears and depression triggers:

Popular Yellow

Natural Weak Qualities:
Unorganised and undisciplined.
Do not remember names or details.
Like to exaggerate.

Become depressed when:
Life is not enough fun

Fears:
Being unpopular or bored.
Structured routine.

Do not like these people:
Those who criticise and do not react to their humour.

Can improve if:
They become organised and learn to watch the time.

Reaction to stress:
Leave the scene
Find something fun to do
Find excuses

Powerful Red

Natural Weak Qualities:
Too bossy and insensitive
Impatient

Become depressed when:
Things are beyond their control and people do not want what they want.
Fears:
Losing control of anything

Do not like these people:
Lazy people who are not interested in their work and evade their duties

Can improve if:
Others are also allowed to make decisions and they learn to be more patient.

Reaction to stress:
Work harder
Dispose of the offender

Peaceful Green

Natural Weak Qualities:
Unable to decide
Lack of enthusiasm and energy
An inner will of steel.

Become depressed when:
When there is too much conflict
People are not helpful

Fears:
To discuss personal problems
To take the blame
To make great changes

Do not like these people:
Who are pushy or loud or who expect too much from them.

Can improve if:
They are willing to do more
Finish tasks more quickly

Reaction to stress:
Hide
Watch TV
Eat

Perfect Blue

Natural Weak Qualities:
Don’t trust others
See the negative side of things first
Focus too much on detail

Become depressed when:
When their routines and schedules are not adhered too
If it looks like others are not paying attention
When they can’t meet their own standards.

Fears:
That people do not understand how they really feel
To make a mistake;

Do not like these people:
Forgetful,
Latecomers,
Who are unorganised and unpredictable.

Can improve if:
They are not quite so serious about life and do not insist that everyone must be a perfectionist.

Reaction to stress:
They withdraw
Become depressed
Give up and analyse problems repeatedly

How does each temperament relate to children?

Popular Yellow

Well, they usually get along very well with children because of their love of life, their optimism and good sense of humour.

Yellow Parents with Yellow children
Because discipline and responsibility are not strong points of either party they need to pay special attention to this. Be careful that you do not compete with your child to be the centre of attraction with their friends during their teenage years.

Yellow Parents with Red children
They share an optimistic outlook on life and the recognition and achievement of goals. Be careful... Red children will fight to have their way and Yellow parents will give in to avoid conflict. Parents must realise that they will not always be popular with their Red children, but they have to be firm otherwise the roles will be reversed.

Yellow Parents with Green children
They share a pleasant and comfortable atmosphere. Always remember your Peaceful Green child will not become excited about the things that you find exciting in life. Encourage them, but in a calm and loving manner, because they will withdraw if you apply pressure. Try to set an example of being organised for your child as both temperaments tend to be a bit disorganised.

Yellow Parents with Blue children
They share a creative artistic world. Although there is a vast difference, there can be a good relationship. But, do not expect them to be as enthusiastic as you are. Be calm and listen to them. Always confirm that anything is possible. Encourage them all the time and give them space and silence to recharge. Respect their need for perfectionism.

Powerful Red

Red parents with Yellow children
They share an optimistic outlook on life. Both are extroverts and your Yellow children will gladly follow your leadership if you praise them all the time. But, do not expect them to be as driven as you are. Make time for fun in your home lest they look for it elsewhere in unhealthy places.

Red parents with Red children
Both are self-motivated and are driven to succeed. But, if your preferences are very different, there will be extreme conflict. Learn to listen and accept that others may have their own opinions and preferences. Lay down clear rules for dealing with conflict – for example a cooling off period before final decisions are made. Learn to make acceptable compromises.

Red parents with Green children
They share a natural balance in their relationships because of their temperaments. Green children will easily follow the model of leadership that they see in the parent. But, although you may want to, do not make decisions for them. If you should do that, the children will never learn to take responsibility for their life. Use constructive words to encourage them. Help them to organise their life, but do not do things for them. Make sure they have a place and time where they know it is their “off-time” and they do not need to feel guilty about it.

Red parents with Blue children
They share your talent to motivate. You can bring out the best in your Blue creative child provided that you have a calm, positive and encouraging attitude. But, do not expect them to make quick and decisive decisions. Give them time to process things and think them through. Allow them to voice an opinion without attacking them

Peaceful Green

Green parents with Yellow children
They share a good sense of humour. Green parents have a special touch with children. But as neither parent practises natural discipline, the parent must first develop discipline before the child will follow. Live with definite rules and discipline and keep to them otherwise your Yellow child will undermine your authority and want to negotiate with you.

Green parents with Red children
They can complement each other, but only if the parent sets boundaries and the Red child understands them. Live with definite rules and conditions and keep to them, or else your Red child will take over the household. Create opportunities where these children have some measure of freedom to do things within boundaries. Always give them credit for what they have achieved.

Green parents with Green children
They share a relaxed, comfortable atmosphere. But be careful not to fall into the habit where you do not communicate. Without purposeful contact and energy, the relationship will weaken. Parents must maintain the discipline in order to set an example for the children. Motivate your child to set goals and help him or her to achieve them. Praise them all the time.

Green parents with Blue children
These two do not need to talk to each other all the time. They enjoy each other by merely being together. But, with this combination there may be a dangerous lack of communication, especially if the naturally quiet parent cannot manage to get the naturally quiet child to speak. The child may feel as if he is misunderstood all the time while the parent may despair and stop trying.

Perfect Blue

Blue parents with Yellow children
You can help your Yellow child to be more organised. But, realise that personalities differ. If they do not have the opportunity to have fun at home, they will look for it outside. As they are by nature not disciplined Blue parents can help, but not with constant nagging and criticism. Set out a specific place where an “untidy” area is allowed. Encourage their achievement in the arts. Do not create expectations that are too high. Allow them to participate purely for the fun and not to be perfect.

Blue parents with Red children
They share the natural ability to organise and keep to a schedule. But, you would like to have these children on your side. Red children want credit for their achievement. Therefore, do not keep credit from them even if they did not perform perfectly. It will have a very negative impact on the relationship. Be flexible and offer them choices where possible so that they may feel that they have some control over their lives.

Blue parents with Green children
They share a quiet and peaceful atmosphere. But, your Green child needs a lot of encouragement, which is not readily given by Blue parents. Take time to give direction and use constructive words to encourage them to reach their full potential. Be careful that they are not neglected just because they are in the background (do not forget about them!).

Blue parents with Blue children
Both enjoy discipline, neat surroundings and a programme with a schedule. Together they also enjoy the arts. But, realise that just as you have specific ideas, your children also have ideas that may not necessarily agree with yours. Do not take normal conflict personally. Teach them to show their feelings, just as you must learn to show your own. They have a deep need to be understood.

How our temperaments define us

Fri, 06 Jul 2018 12:54:40 GMT

How many times have you heard that you look exactly like your mom or dad? Or that your child is like a mini me version of yourself? You might agree that you do have your dad’s eyes or your mom’s mouth and indeed your chid does have your nose and ears, but that’s where the similarities end.

While your mom loves to keep her house in ship shape condition where everything from the keys to the tissue box have an exact spot, you tend to misplace your keys, handbag and phone on a daily basis. Your child on the other hand might look like you, but while you are outgoing, fun-loving and always up for a joke, she is shy, serious and prefers to read.

You might wonder what went wrong? The answer is simple. Nothing went wrong. You all just have different temperaments. Let me state it clearly from the start, not one temperament is better than the other. All of them, and here at EQ4Kids we talk about four temperaments, are equal and each temperament has its own strong and weak points.

What do we mean by temperament?

According to Lynette Beer, EQ4Kids co-owner and author of the book, The Windows to your personality , no two persons are exactly the same. Each one is uniquely created with a certain temperament. There are mainly four temperaments, but any person is a unique combination of all four, not taking into account their individual characters, history and emotional baggage. We divide the temperaments into yellow, red, green and blue. First things first, you have to remember that you are born with your temperament intact; you have inherited it from your grandparents or even great grandparents.

Temperament is the combination of inborn traits that subconsciously affect the everyday conduct of a person. Your temperament can be seen as the blueprint for your personality and has a big impact on how you see the world, and how you relate to others. These characteristics are genetically compiled on the basis of certain factors such as nationality, race, gender and other hereditary factors. It is transmitted by genes. You therefore have no choice in the composition of your temperament at birth.

Originally the four temperaments were named sanguine, choleric, melancholic and phlegmatic, but we talk about the temperaments in colours i.e. Popular Yellow, Powerful Red, Perfect Blue and Peaceful Green. These four temperaments have many variations, as people usually have a primary and secondary blend. The order of this combination will have a significant impact on one’s personality.

Our human nature let us to think that our way of doing things is the right way – that our way of feeling, thinking and understanding of the world is the best way. When our life partners or children differ from us, we relate these differences to madness or stupidity. We feel that if others were more like us, our lives and our relationships would be better.

However, trying to force people to be more like us always fails. Although people can change personality characteristics to a certain degree, their fundamental personality is largely unchangeable. We do injustice to others when we assume that such differences are inherent flaws that need to be changed. Furthermore, we are unable to understand and relate to these differences, causing conflict and misunderstanding in our relationships.

For you to really understand your child you have to know what temperament he/she has, and you have to know which temperament you have. Let’s have a closer look at the four temperaments and see if you recognize yourself or your children in any of them.

The Popular Yellow

You can hear and spot a Popular Yellow from a distance. These people are the extroverts of the extroverts. Fun-loving, always up for an adventure, with sparkling eyes and ready to tell a story. Yellows love attention. They blossom under approval, affection, acceptance, the presence of people and activity.

They try to avoid dull tasks, routines, criticism, details and lofty goals at all cost.

According to Florence Littauer’s book Personality plus for Parents, you can recognise this temperament in babies who are bright and wide-eyed, curious, gurgles and coos, shows off, wants company and are very responsive. Yellow babies also tend to scream for attention, grab onto everything, knows they are cute and will cry when no one picks them up or when they are tired.

As a child, a Popular Yellow is usually daring, eager, innocent, inventive, imaginative, cheerful, enthusiastic, fun-loving, chattery and full of energy.

The Controlling Red

Remember that old song from Frank Sinatra, “I did it my way”? That’s the theme song for people with Red as their main temperament. They are task-orientated extroverts with strong leadership abilities. Known to be hard workers, but strong-willed. Don’t start an argument with a Red, they believe they are always right and will fight you into submission.
Reds are natural optimists who has to be in control always. They require appreciation for all their achievements, opportunities for leadership, participation in family decisions and did I mention something to control? Reds don’t like to rest, they are afraid of being bored and will only play a game if they know they will win.

Florence Littauer says you can recognise a Powerful Red baby as the one being energetic, outgoing, precocious, adventuresome, a born leader, strong-willed, demanding, loud, never sleepy and with a tendency to throw things around.

Powerful Red as a child is daring and eager, self-sufficient, competitive, assertive, trustworthy, a productive worker who moves quickly and keeps a goal in mind.

The Perfect Blue

People with Blue as their main temperament are the introverts of the introverts. They really prefer to get the job done in the correct way rather than spending time with people. A true Blue person would actually prefer not dealing with people at all. They like to do things in an orderly fashion. Routines are very important to them.

Perfect Blues require sensitivity to their deep desires, satisfaction from quality achievements, their own space, security and stability. They are the exact opposites of the Popular Yellows and tend to avoid noise, confusion, trivial pursuits and being jollied.

Florence Littauer states in her book that babies with blue temperaments tend to be serious, quiet, guarded and shy. They are content to be alone, seems to look sad most of the time and cries easily.

As children the Perfect Blues are deep thinkers who fantasizes a lot. They are usually very talented and musical but put immense pressure on themselves because they are always striving for perfection. They are very loyal, intense, dutiful and responsible, but do tend to be moody, oversensitive and negative.

The Peaceful Green

People with Green as their main temperament are people-orientated introverts. They are loveable because they care about people. Known as the peacemakers of the world, the Green temperaments will do anything do avoid conflict. They hate it. To get a Green to do something you have to convince him why it needs to be done, by him, right now... If you can convince him, you will be surprised how much a Green can and will do for you.

Peaceful Greens have low energy levels and they will not be rushed into anything. While they can’t stand confrontation and conflict, they are surprisingly strong-willed. They require constant peace and relaxation, attention, praise and loving motivation. Greens don’t do well with taking decisions (they will try to avoid it), extra work, tension, responsibility or any confrontation.

Littauer states that babies with Green personalities tend to be serious, easy going, undemanding, happy and adjustable. Their favourite past time (from babies to adults) are taking naps. Green babies tend to be guarded, unresponsive, slow and shy.

Children with Green as their main temperament are easily amused, dependable, lovable, agreeable and little trouble. They tend to watch others do things in stead of doing it themselves or joining in. They love to tease others and can be lazy, fearful and quietly stubborn.

Now you know some of the main characteristics of the four colour temperaments. Next time we are going to look at each temperament’s weak points as well as the challenges you have to face and the pitfalls you have to avoid when raising a child whose temperament differs from your own.

EQ Explained... The two bullies of anger and fear

Thu, 28 Jun 2018 07:02:59 GMT

Emotions, sometimes we can’t live with them and we can’t live without them. Our emotions help us to regulate the world around us. It tells us how to feel about situations, things and people. It protect us from dangerous situations.

Unfortunately, it can also hamper our emotional intelligence if we don’t learn how to control it. As such, no emotion in itself is bad. It’s good to feel love, happiness, sadness, anger... it helps us to deal with life. But, if your emotions control your life, you will make life difficult for yourself and those around you.

Two emotions stand out as trouble makers. They are known as the emotional bullies of fear and anger. And like most bullies, the more you let them shove you around, the pushier they get. Fundamentally, you can beat these emotions, like any bully, by standing up to it. Your thoughts are what count, because your feelings are influenced greatly by how you think. Feeling fearful and angry increases the chance of you experiencing negative and anger provoking thoughts. Negative thoughts can increase negative feelings, and so a vicious cycle can develop.

The impact of Anger

Anger and bitterness can change a person so much that you no longer feel and act as yourself. It puts you in a position where you take irrational decisions and the consequences are devastating. Anger and bitterness start taking control of your life to such an extent that you focus only on these negative emotions. It starts following you and you become its slave. In the long run, anger changes you into an unpleasant person who is grumpy and dissatisfied. As a consequence, you are systematically isolated and pushed out of society.

Anger can take many different forms. Many people feel that this is not really the problem with which they have to cope, but in reality, they do not understand the many disguises behind which anger can hide. Amongst these are feelings of bitterness, vindictiveness, hatred, noise and shouting, provocation, rebellion, jealousy, envy, revenge, intolerance, gossip, criticism, sarcasm and the inability to forgive.

Fear and all its forms

Fear is universal and general. In many respects fear goes hand in hand with anger. People fear for their safety, future, finances, children and world conditions. There is very little in the news and newspapers to give peace of mind; on the contrary it just adds to fear and unrest. The most common fear is the fear for yourself and this is most detrimental to your health. Man fears failure, disease, poverty, collapse, etc.

Just like anger, fear comes in many forms, including worry, doubt, inferiority, shyness, cowardice, indecisiveness, suspicion, superstition, hesitations, isolation, despondency, loneliness and pride.

Fear and anger can have detrimental effects on a person’s social, spiritual, physical and emotional wellbeing. These two emotions can cause health issues such as heart problems, high blood pressure, headaches, thyroid problems and arthritis. Anxiety places the greatest stress on the heart. Often people’s problems are not organic but emotional.

A few facts about fear and how you can cope with it

A study has shown that 60% of our fears are totally unfounded and will never happen. 20% are based on things in our past that were completely beyond our control. 10% are based on things that are so irrelevant that they will not make a difference to our lives. And of the rest only 4 – 5 % can be justified.

The emotion of fear is, however, a reality as you feel it. Admit the emotion but take control of it and then move ahead despite the emotion that you feel. We may experience fear; it is a real emotion, but we do not need to give in to the debilitating effect that it causes.

Do not make dead fears come alive. We can do what we want to and have to do, even if we have to do it with the emotion of fear. The challenge does not lie in the feeling, but in the control of the feeling. The challenge is to take positive action in the
presence of fear.

Let me try to help by giving the following guide lines:

When you feel fear, remember it is only a thought, a negative thought, and negative thoughts can awaken emotions of fear in you.
You have the choice and power to choose positive thoughts rather than negative thoughts; the choice is yours.
You can therefore avoid negative and destructive thoughts and choose what you want to think. You must deliberately choose to think the right thoughts.

This will result in your speaking the rights words and doing the right deeds.

You must deliberately and constantly choose to talk to yourself and sometimes even to scold yourself. In this way you can conquer the effect and hold fear has on you.

Dealing with anger

If you or anyone you know has anger-related problems, please seek help. Professional councillors can teach you all the techniques on how to manage and control your anger. I also recommend you read Lynette Beer’s book Die pad na emosionele herstel available online at www.lynettebeer.co.za .

Stop! Think... Act

It doesn’t matter if you are at home, work, in a shopping mall or stuck in traffic, whenever you are confronted with a situation that can trigger negative emotions; you have to deal with these emotions immediately.

It takes time, effort and practise but you will see a difference in your relationships everywhere if you can learn how to control your emotions. The method is simple. Whenever you are confronted with a situation, stop, think about how you are going to react and what the best way would be, before you act. In most situations, it is far better to react in a calm and positive manner. Learn how to control you biggest asset and live a healthier and more productive life!

Source: If you want to you can. Lynette Beer

EQ Explained… It starts with emotions

Fri, 22 Jun 2018 08:28:37 GMT

What is emotional intelligence?

We call it EQ which stands for Emotional Quotient others refer to it as EI (emotional intelligence). No matter what you call it, it comes down to the same thing. The free dictionary online gives the following definition:
“ EQ abbreviation for (Psychology) emotional quotient, a (notional) measure of a person's adequacy in such areas as self-awareness, empathy, and dealing sensitively with other people. ”

It all comes down to emotions and how to deal with them.

Understanding the impact of emotions

The one thing that we all must realize is that we all have emotions. Yes, even the people who go through life with expressionless faces and who we all refer to as emotionless. (There is a vast difference between suppressing emotions and learning how to control it.) Human beings all have emotions. That is how we were created. Just think for a moment how dull and grey our world would have been without any emotion. Yes, there wouldn’t be any jealousy, anger outbursts or fear, but there will also be no laughter, no joy, no excitement. Be thankful we have emotions!

It is important to note that there is no such thing as a bad emotion. All emotions serve a purpose and, in moderation, can help you to achieve your life’s goals or a specific purpose. Like all things in life, the secret is balance. You might get so angry about the crime in your area that you decide to join the local Community Policing Forum, which means a good thing came out of your anger. If, however, you punch someone because you are angry, it means your anger got the better of you.

The biggest problem with emotions starts in your brain. Lynette Beer, motivational speaker, writer and EQ4Kids Director, explained it so well in her book “ If you want to you can ”: “The emotional side of the brain reacts 80 000 times faster than the logical side of the brain. The human brain is the most complex entity in existence and involves different parts that do different things. Threat-based emotions, such as fear and anxiety, are designed to be easily aroused and even suppress positive emotions.

We live in a world where terrible things that we never meant to happen, happen to people all the time. We live in an imperfect world, childhood trauma, stressful life events, harsh words and feeling misunderstood and lonely disturb the chemical balance in our brains. Because of this, the brain may tell us that there is far more danger than there actually is, we panic – and we start believing that we are inferior and worthless.

How our emotions work against us

The brain consists of three components - the old brain, the midbrain, and the new brain. The old brain – also called the reptilian brain – controls our respiration, heart rate, sleep, and other primitive functions. The area known as the midbrain is involved in the production and governance of emotions. The new brain consists mainly of our cerebral cortex. The biggest difference between humans and other mammals is the size of the new brain – and specifically our frontal lobes. These lobes are involved in processing information, learning, and making judgments.

Anxiety is focused on threats; it gives us a sense of urgency, prompting us to do something to escape the potential threat. Threats activate the old brain, or what neurologists call the “reptilian” brain. Now what makes us human is that we have frontal lobes that have developed to allow us the capacity for rational thought and free choice, but that doesn’t change that the primitive part of our brain is still very powerful and necessary for our survival.

Imagine an animal in the wild enjoying a lovely lunch of fruits and grasses, and while this is happening the animal hears a twig break. This could be a result of many things, but what if it’s a lion? That’s where the “reptilian brain” kicks in, making the animal think worst case scenario because the couple of seconds it would take for the animal to look up and assess the situation would cost the animal it’s life. So, threat-based emotions, such as fear and anxiety, are designed to be easily aroused and even suppress positive emotions. This happens in so many areas of life, doesn’t it? We have an argument with someone we love and when in an angry state of mind, we forget the good side of that person.

Whenever you feel a certain emotion, a whole system is activated. This system includes the thoughts and images that enter your mind, the memories you access, the aspects of yourself or the surrounding world that you focus on, the bodily and mental sensations you experience. For example, training your attention on possible threats is likely to increase the chance of anxious thoughts popping into your mind, and vice versa.

Understanding helps you change

Understanding how emotions work gives you plenty of opportunities to make changes. Changing even one aspect of the system can make changing other parts easier. If we pay attention to our thoughts and feelings we can actually recognise which brain systems are turned on (platform of light and darkness). We are capable of great cruelty and great compassion. We are capable of quiet confidence or paralyzing fear. We are capable of forgiveness or vengeful anger. We are capable of reflective thoughtfulness or impulsive thoughtlessness.

We always have a choice. We can choose a platform of light or a platform of darkness. Even though it might not feel like it when strong emotions of fear and anger take over, the human brain contains frontal lobes that allow us the capacity for rational thought and free choice. It doesn’t change that the primitive part of our brain is still very powerful and even necessary (for our survival). But we get it all wrong, and we allow that part of our brains to control our lives and keep us trapped in anger and fear.

Ps. This is the first article in a series called EQ explained. Next time we are going to look at the two major emotional bullies, anger and fear.