Being Careful with the Feeling of Shame: A Guide for Parents
As parents, we play a pivotal role in shaping our children’s emotional experiences. While feelings like joy, excitement, and pride are often celebrated, emotions like shame are more difficult to navigate. However, understanding and managing shame in a healthy way is crucial for emotional well-being and growth. Shame is a powerful emotion, and if handled poorly, it can have lasting negative effects on a child’s self-esteem and sense of worth.
This article explores the feeling of shame, why it’s important to approach it with care, and how parents can help their children navigate it in a healthy, supportive way.
What is Shame?
Shame is an emotion that occurs when a person feels that they are fundamentally flawed, inadequate, or unworthy. Unlike guilt, which is about feeling bad for a specific behaviour, shame targets the individual, making them feel bad about who they are as a person.
For children, shame can arise in various situations—failing at a task, being compared to others, not meeting expectations, or feeling rejected by peers. While shame is a normal part of human experience, when children are overwhelmed by it or experience it too frequently, it can lead to issues such as low self-esteem, social withdrawal, or anxiety.
Why Parents Should Be Careful with Shame
- Shame Can Undermine a Child’s Self-Worth
Children are highly impressionable, and their sense of self is often built on how they are treated by others, especially their parents. If a child is made to feel ashamed for mistakes or flaws, they may internalize the belief that they are not “good enough.” This can have long-term effects on their confidence and emotional resilience.
Example: Telling a child, “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?” or “You should be ashamed of yourself” can lead the child to feel inadequate and unloved, affecting their ability to trust their own abilities and navigate future challenges. - Chronic Shame Can Affect Emotional Development
Excessive shame can stifle emotional growth. Children who often feel shamed may struggle to express their feelings, avoid social interactions, or develop negative coping mechanisms such as aggression, withdrawal, or perfectionism. - Shame Can Lead to Behavioural Issues
Children who are frequently shamed may act out in an attempt to protect themselves from further emotional pain. This can manifest as defiance, aggression, or withdrawal from social activities.
Example: A child who is shamed for not finishing their homework might respond by avoiding schoolwork altogether or displaying disruptive behaviours, thinking they are not capable of succeeding.
How Can Parents Help Children Navigate Shame in a Healthy Way?
As parents, it’s crucial to create a safe and supportive environment where children feel valued and loved, even when they make mistakes. Here are several strategies to help your child manage and overcome shame in a positive manner:
- Separate the Behaviour from the Child
Rather than shaming the child as a person, focus on the behaviour that needs to change. Reinforce that making mistakes is part of learning and that everyone, including adults, experiences setbacks.
Example: Instead of saying, “You’re so careless, I’m ashamed of you,” try, “I understand you’re upset about your mistake, but mistakes help us learn. Let’s figure out how to fix this.” This shift helps the child understand that it’s okay to make mistakes—they are not defined by them. - Model Healthy Emotional Expression
Children learn by observing their parents. Show your child how to express emotions, including shame, in a healthy way. Acknowledge your own mistakes, express how you feel, and show how you move forward.
Example: “I feel frustrated because I made an error at work today, but I’m going to take a deep breath, learn from it, and keep going.” This models resilience and self-compassion. - Encourage Self-Compassion
Teach your child to be kind to themselves, especially when they feel ashamed. Self-compassion helps children move past feelings of shame without letting them define their identity.
Example: Teach phrases like, “I made a mistake, but that doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. I can try again tomorrow.” Encourage them to treat themselves with the same kindness they would offer a friend in the same situation. - Validate Their Emotions
Acknowledge and validate your child’s feelings of shame without making them feel wrong for having those emotions. Let them know that feeling ashamed is a natural human experience but that it doesn’t have to define their sense of self.
Example: “I can see you’re feeling embarrassed, and that’s okay. It’s tough when we feel like we’ve let ourselves down. But remember, you are always loved and valuable, no matter what.” - Focus on Solutions, Not Blame
Rather than dwelling on the mistake that led to the feeling of shame, help your child focus on how they can improve or move forward. This helps shift the focus from their perceived flaws to their ability to take positive action.
Example: If a child feels ashamed for not finishing their chores, instead of saying, “You never do your chores properly,” try saying, “I see that you got busy and forgot. Let’s come up with a plan to help you remember next time.” - Reinforce the Power of Growth and Effort
Help your child see that mistakes are opportunities for growth. Praise their effort, problem-solving, and perseverance, rather than just the outcome. This encourages a growth mindset and reduces the likelihood of children internalizing shame.
Example: “You worked really hard on this, and even though it didn’t go perfectly, I’m proud of the effort you put in. You’re learning and growing.”
The Lasting Impact of Healthy Shame Management
By helping children navigate shame in a healthy way, parents can foster a sense of self-worth, resilience, and emotional maturity. When children understand that mistakes are part of the learning process and that they are loved unconditionally, they can approach life with greater confidence and compassion.
Support Your Child’s Emotional Growth with EQ4Kids
To help your child develop emotional intelligence and learn how to manage challenging emotions like shame, consider enrolling them in the EQ4Kids Programme. Through engaging activities and expert guidance, the program helps children build self-awareness, self-regulation, and empathy—skills that empower them to manage emotions healthily and thrive in life. Don’t let shame hold your child back—help them embrace their emotional journey today!
Share Post
Complete the following form if you require more info about EQ4kids or want to enroll your child at your nearest Franchise.
Blog Enquiry
