Are you providing your child with a secure base?

When you get on an airplane the flight attendants explain the safety precautions to you which needs to be taken into account in case of an emergency. One of the things they explain clearly is the fact that when the oxygen masks drop, you need to put your mask on first before attempting to help your children or other co-passengers. The reason for this is the fact that you won’t be able to stay safe and help others if you don’t make sure you get the oxygen you need first. Trying to help others without first ensuring your own survival will be like trying to pour water from an empty cup. Parenting works the same way. 

Parents need to ensure that they heal themselves, deal with their own issues and be the best version of themselves for their children. They need to make sure that their past, their mistakes and their pain don’t drive their relationship with their children. Children don’t come with an egotistic desire to attach to the labels of the world. We as parents often bestow these labels upon them and pressure them into becoming something or being someone they are not. Children are whole from the start and we often treat them as incomplete or something which needs fixing. We often draw from the disappointment in our own lives, create an environment for our children in which they have to achieve things on a list or be something according to the criteria laid out by this world. Children do however come with a natural desire to connect with others and the first and most important connection they need is the one with their parents. Having a healthy and safe connection with their parents can play a big role in their success in life.

Dr. Dan Siegel, author of the Book “Parenting from the inside out” refers to the four important S’s of attachment which requires a child to feel safe, soothed, seen and secure. This is what you need to focus on when trying to ensure that your child will one day reap the benefits of having had a positive attachment style with his or her parents. 

Children need to see their parents as secure and need to feel comfortable to venture out into the world, discovering themselves, learning more about their abilities, whilst knowing that they can return to their safe place at any time. Step back and be curious and supportive whilst guiding your child through life and helping them learn all they need to know about life instead of intervening with control and trying to determine which way they should go.

Remember that in life it is important to realise that sometimes our challenges can serve us better than our victories. Choose to learn from the mistakes which your parent might have made or from the parenting mistakes you might have made in the past, learn from them and use them to take control of your parenting style and making sure you are giving your child a secure base to function from for the rest of his or her life.