EQ Explained... The two bullies of anger and fear

Emotions, sometimes we can’t live with them and we can’t live without them. Our emotions help us to regulate the world around us. It tells us how to feel about situations, things and people. It protect us from dangerous situations.

Unfortunately, it can also hamper our emotional intelligence if we don’t learn how to control it. As such, no emotion in itself is bad. It’s good to feel love, happiness, sadness, anger... it helps us to deal with life. But, if your emotions control your life, you will make life difficult for yourself and those around you.

Two emotions stand out as trouble makers. They are known as the emotional bullies of fear and anger. And like most bullies, the more you let them shove you around, the pushier they get. Fundamentally, you can beat these emotions, like any bully, by standing up to it. Your thoughts are what count, because your feelings are influenced greatly by how you think. Feeling fearful and angry increases the chance of you experiencing negative and anger provoking thoughts. Negative thoughts can increase negative feelings, and so a vicious cycle can develop.

Anger and bitterness can change a person so much that you no longer feel and act as yourself. It puts you in a position where you take irrational decisions and the consequences are devastating. Anger and bitterness start taking control of your life to such an extent that you focus only on these negative emotions. It starts following you and you become its slave. In the long run, anger changes you into an unpleasant person who is grumpy and dissatisfied. As a consequence, you are systematically isolated and pushed out of society.

Anger can take many different forms. Many people feel that this is not really the problem with which they have to cope, but in reality, they do not understand the many disguises behind which anger can hide. Amongst these are feelings of bitterness, vindictiveness, hatred, noise and shouting, provocation, rebellion, jealousy, envy, revenge, intolerance, gossip, criticism, sarcasm and the inability to forgive.

Fear is universal and general. In many respects fear goes hand in hand with anger. People fear for their safety, future, finances, children and world conditions. There is very little in the news and newspapers to give peace of mind; on the contrary it just adds to fear and unrest. The most common fear is the fear for yourself and this is most detrimental to your health. Man fears failure, disease, poverty, collapse, etc.

Just like anger, fear comes in many forms, including worry, doubt, inferiority, shyness, cowardice, indecisiveness, suspicion, superstition, hesitations, isolation, despondency, loneliness and pride.

Fear and anger can have detrimental effects on a person’s social, spiritual, physical and emotional wellbeing. These two emotions can cause health issues such as heart problems, high blood pressure, headaches, thyroid problems and arthritis. Anxiety places the greatest stress on the heart. Often people’s problems are not organic but emotional.

A study has shown that 60% of our fears are totally unfounded and will never happen. 20% are based on things in our past that were completely beyond our control. 10% are based on things that are so irrelevant that they will not make a difference to our lives. And of the rest only 4 – 5 % can be justified.

The emotion of fear is, however, a reality as you feel it. Admit the emotion but take control of it and then move ahead despite the emotion that you feel. We may experience fear; it is a real emotion, but we do not need to give in to the debilitating effect that it causes.

Do not make dead fears come alive. We can do what we want to and have to do, even if we have to do it with the emotion of fear. The challenge does not lie in the feeling, but in the control of the feeling. The challenge is to take positive action in the
presence of fear.

Let me try to help by giving the following guide lines:

• When you feel fear, remember it is only a thought, a negative thought, and negative thoughts can awaken emotions of fear in you.
  
• You have the choice and power to choose positive thoughts rather than negative thoughts; the choice is yours.
  
• You can therefore avoid negative and destructive thoughts and choose what you want to think. You must deliberately choose to think the right thoughts.
  

• You must deliberately and constantly choose to talk to yourself and sometimes even to scold yourself. In this way you can conquer the effect and hold fear has on you.

If you or anyone you know has anger-related problems, please seek help. Professional councillors can teach you all the techniques on how to manage and control your anger. I also recommend you read Lynette Beer’s book Die pad na emosionele herstel available online at www.lynettebeer.co.za.

It doesn’t matter if you are at home, work, in a shopping mall or stuck in traffic, whenever you are confronted with a situation that can trigger negative emotions; you have to deal with these emotions immediately.

It takes time, effort and practise but you will see a difference in your relationships everywhere if you can learn how to control your emotions. The method is simple. Whenever you are confronted with a situation, stop, think about how you are going to react and what the best way would be, before you act. In most situations, it is far better to react in a calm and positive manner. Learn how to control you biggest asset and live a healthier and more productive life!

Source: If you want to you can. Lynette Beer