How to teach your child respect

Respect is a difficult concept to grasp as it is an abstract term which people can assign various definitions too. Broadly put it comes down to how you treat people and how you behave and speak to others. Respect can be referred to as an attitude. It is a way of responding to others which can be both verbal and non-verbal.

Respect is also the attitude of esteem or admiration – to hold in esteem or consider well-regard towards others, oneself and one’s possessions. A child who is respectful, takes care of belongings as well as responsibilities.

There is no step-by-step model which parents can apply to teach a child respect. Just like love is best learned by receiving love, so in turn respect is learned by receiving respect.

Children model the behaviour they learn from adults. When a child experiences and feels respected it is easier for such a child to understand how important it is. It is essential to start teaching this to your child as soon as they may begin to understand what you are saying to them.

We often forget that children are not born with a built-in sense of respect. Each child might have a different personality, but all children need to be taught how to be respectful. From the day a child is born, they start learning to make use of certain behaviour to get their needs met and this is natural. However, it is the job of each parent to teach children respectful ways of doing so as they get older.

Children should be taught that respect means not calling people mean names but treating people with courtesy and caring enough about themselves to not do things which they know can hurt them. It contributes a great deal to the self-confidence of a child to be able to grow up with a lot of respect for him/herself and others.

Being able to respect others as well as yourself is one of the greatest leadership qualities. Ralph Waldo Emerson said: “What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you are saying”. Respect is something which you get by showing it and giving it to others. We need to teach our children that showing respect does not include compensating on your own good personal values. Appropriate behaviour consists of acting in a way that leaves room for respect towards yourself, as well as, respect towards others.

"We don't generally give our children the kind of respect that we demand from them," says Jerry Wyckoff, psychologist and co-author of Twenty Teachable Virtues. "We get confused because often, our upbringing makes us equate respect with fear: 'I really respected my father because I knew he'd hit me if ... ' that’s not respect — that's fear."

• As soon as your child can communicate verbally, teach him/her to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. Praise them for doing so.
  
• Don’t get upset when your three-year-old calls you “dumb” – after all you know you are not. It is during times like these, when it is critical to model respectful behaviour. Politely tell your child that “we don’t call people bad names, you are allowed to call me mommy”.
  
• Be both kind and firm in disciplining your child. Being kind shows that you have respect for your child and being firm shows that you have respect for what needs to be done.
  
• Teach your child to be kind, friendly and polite when talking to people even when they disagree with them.
  
• Teach your child to accept others for who they are and to treat everybody in the same way.
  
• Start teaching your child to have respect for all living things. Show them how to hold a puppy, take care of a kitten.
  
• Show them the wonders of nature, from how ants walk in a perfect line to the beauty of a sunset. Teach them not to kill and destroy, but to preserve and safe our natural resources.
  

• Get in alignment with your life partner. It is important for respectful behaviour to be modelled by both parents and for discipline standards to be set the same way by both parents. Make sure one parent is not trying to address disrespectful behaviour while another parent lets certain things slide.
  
• Always be respectful when you correct your child on the way they behave.
  
• Have realistic expectations for your child which you know they are able to meet in order to create opportunities for praise which will be one of the biggest encouragements for a child to expand on their respectful behaviour.
  
• Expect respect. Before going somewhere inform your child what will be expected of them. Never let your child think that manners are optional or temporary.
  
• Commit your child to using “I” sentences. If your child for instance tells you a story of kids who did something wrong and your child was a part of this, hold them accountable to say, “I was rude”.
  

Respect might mean different things to different people, but in the end it all comes down to attitude. If you have an attitude of superiority towards others and treat others with disdain, your child is going to mimic that. On the other hand, if you treat others, not matter their race, religion, status, career or language, with kindness and a positive attitude, your child will do it as well.
Remember to have patience when teaching your child respect. The older they get, the more they are influenced by the world around them. Keep the communication channels open between you and talk to your child about incidents that had happened during the day. Even if he/she had been rude, misbehaved or mistreated someone or something, discuss it with him/her and make sure your child understands why it was wrong and how he/she should have handled it.

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