Kids & Consequences

Creativity can help parents think past the old ways of implementing consequences which do not work.  Find consequences that will also reinforce a child’s learning need in the moment.

At the age of three, bad behaviour is mostly unintentional.  Children at this age are still like little scientists trying to figure out what the limits are.  When it comes to disciplining these children it should be all about creating opportunities for natural learning. 

Sometimes failing on its own can be the natural consequence for a child at this age.  I would rather have my child fail with certain things at this age and learn from it rather than later in life when they are teenagers.  Parents are sometimes too quick to rescue children from suffering certain consequences in order for them to not be in a tough situation.  Parents very often fix too many things for children and this causes children to miss out on the opportunity to learn very important coping skills.

Around the age of 5 to 7 children truly start to understand the consequences of their actions.  When a 3 year old hits someone with a toy, you might take it away and give them some time out.  It certainly will not help much at this age to tell them to think about what they did, but they will think about the fact that you sat them down.

Keep consequences short at this age, it shouldn’t be something that lasts for more than three minutes.  Remember that consequences don’t always have to be negative to teach.  It is more important to make sure that there is a teaching element in consequences.  Allow your child to fix his/her own mistakes and encourage them to do so.  Keep in mind that it will probably not be fixed up to your standards as an adult, but encourage them and praise them for their efforts.

One thing that tends to make consequences more effective is consistency. Consequences also work best when they are immediate. Children need to receive immediate feedback for their positive and negative behaviours.  Remember that consequences should be used to discipline your child without shaming them.

Start making your child aware of consequences by restructuring the way you communicate certain things to your child like:

• If you can’t find your shoes, dad will help you find them, but there will be a finder’s fee.
• If you cannot behave well towards your sister, mom will assume that you need some time to think about it and I will send you to another room to sit.
• If you fight with your brother, mom will assume that you have nothing better to do and I will give you a chore.
• If you keep shouting, or speaking unkindly, you will lose your freedom to speak.
• If you do not use your good table manners, mom will ask you to dine somewhere else which might not be this comfortable.
• If you keep on tipping your chair back, I will see it as unsafe for you and I will have to ask you to stand through dinner.
• If I ask you to clean your room and afterwards see that you still left a lot of things lying around, I will assume that you no longer want them and I will place them in “toy time out” for a week – you will have to work hard to earn them back after a week.