Positive Parenting During Puberty

The following are things that you as a parent can do to help your child during challenging times which they might need to face during this age:

• Have more detailed and in-depth conversations with your child, especially regarding accomplishments and challenges;
• Try to be involved with your child’s school. Go to the events held at school and meet their teachers;
• Discuss peer pressure with your child and the risky behaviour in which friends might want them to get involved.  Motivate your child to develop a healthy sense of right and wrong;
• Always know your child’s friends and their families;
• Discuss goal setting with your child and how to monitor it;
• Discuss expected behaviour from your child when no adults are around.  Provide your child with reasons for this so that they will also develop a sense of what to do and how to be prepared for certain situations;
• Don’t just praise your child without having them think of their accomplishments.  Bring an element of responsibility into the way you talk by using statements such as “you must be proud of yourself for such a wonderful achievement?” rather than simply telling them that you are proud of them.
• Make sure they know and understand the normal emotional as well as physical changes that puberty might entail;

“Unexpressed emotions will never die.  They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways” 

Sigmund Freud

Puberty is now contributing greatly to your child. A child’s thought patterns are now starting to adjust to adulthood. Their brains are allowing them to start thinking about more intangible ideas, which can include topics such as love and the meaning of life.  A child’s brain in this age group is becoming more advanced since they can now start coping with more abstract thinking. An 11 year old is mostly able to start understanding hypothetical situations and will start resorting to a more adult way of thinking and expressing themselves. 

As children approach their teenage years, the emergence of adolescent egocentricity can mostly be noticed. Accordingly you may notice them struggling with the ability to distinguish between their perception of what other people think of them and what people actually think of them in reality. This phenomenon usually appears at the age of 11-12 but mostly wears off at the age of about 15-16.  It may be hard to have a child in the house displaying this behaviour, but rest assured that it can contribute greatly to your child’s personality development.  As a parent you should however still be aware of certain problematic behaviour which can arise due to this, such as substance use, eating disorders or impulsivity.

Children in this age group start to have strong emotions. They either like something or completely hate that.  They might even start hating school.  Help them express their reasons for this and encourage them to identify parts thereof that might still be enjoyable. 

Good parenting is necessary throughout all ages of a child, but there are certain parenting skills in this age group to which parents should  pay specific attention. Some of these skills include:

• Understanding the normal growth and development of your child;
• Praise them appropriately;
• Show approval and interest as well as support;
• Try to attend the events in which your child participate;
• Encourage healthy friendships and reasonable independence;
• Make listening time a part of your daily interaction and try to show understanding;
• Establish realistic rules and enforce them correctly and consistently;
• Respect your child’s privacy;
• Make sure the behavior you display is in line with what you wish to instill in your child;
• Don’t try and be your child’s best friend. Your role is to teach, encourage and be a role model;
• Listen to your child’s opinions without interruption or without being judgmental;
• Get to know your child’s friends without drawing quick conclusions about them;
• Allow your child to make age appropriate choices on their own, like choosing their clothes;
• Take responsibility for your child’s sex education;
• Remember that you as a parent are their ethical and behavioral role model