Teaching your child about consequences

As adults, we know that every choice we make has a consequence. Bad choices can lead to bad consequences. If you ignore the speed limit on the highway you will end up with a hefty fine. If you stick to a healthy diet you will reap the rewards of looking and feeling good. Most people know to take responsibility for their own actions and face the consequences, good or bad, heads on.

Others have never learned this valuable lesson and that is why you get middle-aged people still passing the bucket and playing the blame game. The good news is that if we can teach our children now how to face up to consequences, take responsibility and make better life choices, the consequence will be that they will one day be much better equipped to handle everyday life than some of the “blamers” and “responsibility-dodgers” out there today.

eaching children about consequences can be a daunting task. The administration of blame, shame or pain is not acceptable. Remember growing up in the times when teachers had all the power? How many ear pinches, smacks against the head and name calling have you endured because you didn’t understand algebra or didn’t do your homework? Did any of that help you?

A friend of mine had a problem with sweaty hands when she was in Grade 3. The more nervous she got, the more her hands sweat. She was also left-handed, which meant ink marks on her hand as she tried her very best to write neatly. Unfortunately, she had a teacher who detested any smudge or mark in the books. Every day she got a spanking because her books were untidy, every day her books looked worse. Vicious cycle. Nothing learned. Until this day, decades later, she still resents that teacher and still shies away from writing anything by hand where others can see it. (She will be forever thankful of computers and yes, she is a writer!)

Jane Nelson refers in her blog, positive discipline, to the Four R’s that might result from, shall we call it traditional punishment:

• Resentment ("This is unfair. I can’t trust adults.")
  
• Revenge ("They are winning now, but I’ll get even.")
  
• Rebellion ("I’ll show them that I can do whatever I want:
  
• Retreat, in the form of sneakiness ("I won’t get caught next time.") or reduced self-esteem ("I am a bad person.")
  

She also states that: “Parents and teachers don’t like to admit that, often, the main reason they like to use punishment is to demonstrate their power to win over the child or to gain revenge by making the child suffer. The subconscious thinking behind this idea is, I am the adult and you are the child. You will do what I say—or else you will pay.”

That attitude will not help your child to learn how to take responsibility for their actions, neither will it help them to learn how to come up with solutions to problems.

At EQ4Kids we believe a consequence is something that follows from a person’s actions, inactions or even poor decisions. It is different than punishment in that punishment is retribution. When you give a child a consequence it is important to have it related to the child’s choice or action. E.g. if your son sleeps too late and that makes him late for school, the natural consequence will be for him to go to bed earlier that night.

One thing that tends to make consequences more effective is consistency. Consequences also work best when they are immediate. Children need to receive immediate feedback for their positive and negative behaviours. Remember that consequences should be used to discipline your child without shaming them.

Creativity can help parents think past the old ways of implementing consequences that don’t work. Find consequences that will also reinforce a child’s learning needs in the moment.

Toddlers are still a lot like little scientists trying to figure out what the limits are. When it comes to disciplining these children, it should be all about creating opportunities for natural learning. Sometimes failing on its own can be the natural consequence for a child at this age. We are sometimes too quick to rescue children from suffering certain consequences in order for them to not be in a tough situation.

3-year-olds: Keep consequences short at this age, it shouldn’t be something that lasts for more than three minutes. Allow your child to fix his/her own mistakes and encourage them to do so. Keep in mind that it will probably not be fixed up to your standards as an adult but encourage them and praise them for their efforts.

4-year-olds: If children don’t put items away like they are asked to, start teaching them that the item will be taken away, but they can buy it back with money they can get for doing chores.

5-year-olds: Make a homemade “correction” can or “chore” can. Put different pieces of paper in the can with different consequences written on them. Instead of always giving your child a timeout, start making use of this jar. Whenever your child does something which needs a consequence and when you cannot think of one at the moment which is related to what they did wrong, send them to the can to pick a slip. A few ideas of what to put on these slips might include early bedtime, no TV for a night or an extra chore. Try to also toss in a blank piece of paper, which can be seen as a “mercy” card.

6-year-olds: Start making your child aware of consequences by restructuring the way you communicate certain things to your child such as:

• If you can’t find your shoes, dad will help you find them, but there will be a finder’s fee.
  
• If you cannot behave well towards your sister, mom will assume that you need some time to think about it and I will send you to another room to sit.
  
• If you fight with your brother, mom will assume that you have nothing better to do and I will give you a chore.
  
• If you keep shouting or speaking unkindly, you will lose your freedom to speak.
  
• If you do not use your good table manners, mom will ask you to dine somewhere else which might not be this comfortable.
  
• If you keep on tipping your chair back, I will see it as unsafe for you and I will have to ask you to stand through dinner.
  

Older children: Consequences can be a very interactive topic of discussion – find ways to explore the subject with your child. When discussing consequences, you can give examples of certain situations and scenarios and ask your child to determine what the consequences will be. Encourage them to start making decisions by taking into consideration the consequences first.

Most important of all. Never act out of anger. Calm down before you act. Make sure your child feels loved even when he/she has to face the consequences. Be a positive role model by taking responsibility for your own choices and actions without making excuses or playing the blame game. Your child will follow your example.