Kids and Bullying

I have had many days where my child, only a small toddler then, came home and said “the other children are mean to me” or “I don’t like so and so…because…”  It is never a nice thing for a parent to hear that your child might be a little outcast on the playground.



School bullying is a hot topic in the media lately and that is a good thing, it is about time people and especially parents start giving it the attention it deserves.  In my opinion, people still seem to forget that bullying is something that already starts happening in a child’s pre-school years.  This is a very sad truth. According to Henry D. Schlinger PhD.; Director of the Applied Behaviour Analysis Program at California University, Los Angeles, little kid-bullying (engaging in bullying and being bullied) is surprising to many parents and not noticed as readily as it is in older children.  Adults dismiss it mostly as “kids being kids”.

It is thus very important to help children in their pre-school years to already become aware of this phenomenon and to help them develop the tools to deal with bullying from as young as possible.

According to Brenda Nixon, author of the book “The Birth to Five Book”, children don’t have the full cognitive ability to feel empathy yet.  So before the age of 3, a child might hurt another child physically or emotionally but doesn’t really understand how it feels to the recipient of his actions.  However, after the age of three this all changes.  A child’s brain at this age is developed enough to understand another point of view to a certain extent, which makes this the age where premeditated and purposeful acts of aggression can begin to surface. 

Teach your child to speak up when someone hurts him/her.  If it is someone on the playground, teach your child to loudly say “stop hurting me” in a confident way. Teach your child to recognise signs and symptoms of bully behaviour (this includes being bullied and being a bully.) 

There are various reasons why children bully.  Sometimes children imitate behaviour which they have seen before, from a sibling, friend or parents.  Some children turn to bullying to get attention and some children bully for more complex reasons.  Very often teachers and parents take a “wait and see” approach especially when it comes to pre-schoolers.  Parents need to pay close attention to how and when to intervene in bullying. In some instances when this is not done, bullying can reach a crisis point where someone really gets hurt. The consequences of this can sometimes cause permanent damage, both physically and emotionally.

Teach your children never to tolerate being forced to feel uncomfortable and hurt.  Create an environment where your child knows he/she can tell you anything.  Build your child’s confidence and teach him/her not to accept the things a bully might have called him/her – show your child there is no truth in the remarks of a bully.  E.g. if your child was called “dumb” by a bully show your child how clever he/she is and that it is not true what the bully said. It is also necessary to show your child that you support them emotionally in situations like these.  Ask them if they felt hurt and let them know you are sorry that they had to go through something like this.

Not all conflict behaviour should be defined as bullying.  Children are impulsive and will tend to have sudden scuffles, wrestling matches and friendship spats and these will occasionally get out of hand.  But the positive side of this is that play-related conflict can make children stronger for they will learn through experience how to adapt in situations like these. This is when they learn how to negotiate and how to forgive.

Bullying is something completely different from what was discussed above.  Bullying can undermine a child’s self-esteem, and cause emotional pain and anxiety – even if the bullying is between little children.  There is no age where being picked on, being hurt or shunned is acceptable.

Teach your child to resolve problems without resorting to violence. This includes how to ignore the bully and to move away from him or her whilst also to telling the bully to stop. Teach them that there is no shame in retreating from such a situation. Make time to talk to your children so that they can develop healthy communication skills. It is an important skill to develop as young as possible so that your child can learn to always talk to you.  It will become very helpful as your child grows older and might end up in more dangerous bullying situations. If they have the confidence to talk to you about such situations it can assist in identifying and stopping bullying behaviour long before it gets out of hand. 

How will you know if your child is being bullied?  There are certain signs you can watch out for like:

• Your child has unexplained bruises or bumps.  It is a particularly strong indicator if your child, when questioned about this, says he or she doesn’t know or forgot what happened;
• Your child no longer wants to play with a child they once liked;
• Your child repeatedly tells you about a particular kid who bothers him/her;
• Your child suddenly becomes clingy, fearful or depressed;
• Your child complains of stomach aches or headaches, usually before being dropped off at a day care or pre-school.
• Your child loved pre-school but suddenly doesn’t want to go anymore.
• Your child makes negative remarks about himself, like: “I am dumb” or “I am a loser”.

How can you help your child when they are being bullied? Teach your child that the bullying may sometimes be discouraged by just acting as if the bully doesn’t bother him/her. Some experts believe that if you don’t give a bully any attention at a young age it will eventually stop – older children who are bullies however, still proceed even if ignored.  Teach your child to always stick with friends and if he/she doesn’t have any – work on his/her skills to make friends.  Be self-confident, tell them to stop? When things are uncomfortable for your child, teach him to tell the teacher at school and to always talk to you about what happened.