Kids and Assertiveness

When my son was 5 years old, he was the sweetest and kindest boy and I was so proud of him.  One day when I picked him up from school I noticed how he got into a situation where another boy demanded him to give him his cookies which he immediately gave away.  On another occasion, I heard him tell his father that he couldn’t finish painting his picture at school because another boy took all his blue paint.  It was then and there that it suddenly struck me. I realised that teaching him to stand up for himself might be more important than teaching him to be easy-going. Unfortunately, there is not one-size-fits all approach and each child needs to be treated according to his personality, specific needs and abilities at that particular age.

"Being assertive helps in virtually every relationship - at school, at home and on the playground," says Stuart Fishoff, PhD, Professor of Psychology at California State University, Los Angles.   Being assertive in a classroom, for instance, gives a great advantage to any child.  They will be comfortable to demand the teacher’s attention, raise their hand if they have any questions and will also be able to ask for extra help if needed.  Assertive children also find it easier to make friends.

Remember to teach your child that there is a difference between being assertive and being aggressive.  Bear in mind that some children are just naturally not comfortable to say what they want. They are more shy and passive.  Don’t try to override these natural tendencies of your child e.g. don’t push a shy child to fight for the lead role in a play.  The basics of being assertive are something every child can learn to do.  Just always remember the words of Graeme Hanson, M.D, Clinical Professor of Psychiatry and Paediatrics at the University of California in San Francisco. : "Trying to force a child into a role that's not comfortable for her in order to boost her confidence may have the opposite effect."   There are always ways to nurture assertiveness in a child without pushing them beyond their natural abilities and temperament.

Remember to do things with your child that promotes a healthy self-esteem because this helps to promote the ability to be assertive.  Don’t label your child when you confront him or her with something they did wrong and teach them not to do this with others either. E.g. rather than saying “you are naughty”, say “you hurt me” or “you are breaking your toy”.