Parenting & Attachment Styles
Parents need to ensure that they heal themselves, deal with their own issues and be the best version of themselves for their children. They need to make sure that their past, their mistakes and their pain don’t drive their relationship with their children. Children don’t come with an ego driven desire to attach to the labels or standards of the world. We as parents often bestow these labels or standards upon them and pressure them into becoming something or being someone they are not. Children are completely whole beings, but we as parents often treat them as if they have so many things missing within them. We, with our emptiness or perhaps disappointment in our own lives, create an environment for our children in which they have to achieve things on a list or be something according to the criteria laid out by this world. Children do however come with a natural desire to connect with others and the first and most important connection they need is the one with their parents or primary caretakers.
Dr. Dan Siegel, author of the Book “Parenting from the inside out” refers to the four important S’s of attachment which requires a child to feel “safe, soothed, seen and secure.” This is what you need to focus on when trying to ensure that your child will one day have a Secure Attachment. This is what you will need to do in order to help your child exude with confidence in a healthy way.
Children need to see their parents as secure and need to feel comfortable to venture out into the world, discovering themselves, learning more about their abilities, whilst knowing that they can return to their safe place at any time. Step back and be curious and supportive whilst guiding your child through life and helping them learn all they need to know about life instead of intervening with control and trying to determine which way they should go.
Remember that in life it is important to realise that sometimes our challenges can serve us better than our victories. Choose to learn from the mistakes which your parent might have made or from the parenting mistakes you might have made in the past, learn from them and use them to take control of your parenting style and making sure you are giving your child a chance to fit perfectly into the secure Mature Type.
Attachment Styles In Children
Let’s take a look at a quick summary of what the different Types might look like in children:
| TYPE | CHILD'S BEHAVIOUR |
|---|---|
| THE SECURE TYPE | When parents return after being away, they are met by a secure child with positive emotions; When they feel emotionally overwhelmed, they can seek comfort from a parent; They prefer their parents above strangers; |
| THE AVOIDANT TYPE | Easily avoids their parents; Does not seek comfort or interaction from parents; They don’t indicate a strong preference for their parents above anyone else; |
| THE PLEASING TYPE | Might be overly cautious about strangers; They can become emotionally upset or distressed whenever their parent leaves; They are not immediately comforted by the return of their parent |
| THE DISRUPTED TYPE | Their initial behaviour might seem as if they seek comfort from a parent but they will instantly withdraw with fear or uncertainty; They can show a mixture of aggressive, avoidant or resistant behaviour towards a parent/s; They struggle to see relationships or connections with others as safe; They tend to struggle to self-regulate their emotions |
Heal your own wounds in order to make sure that you are the best version of yourself for the ones you love and especially your children. Look at for the following and make sure your parenting style does not include any of these elements:
- Children shouldn’t be placed in a position to assume a parenting role;
- Children don’t need to reassure you that you are a good mom or dad;
- Children shouldn’t beg you to stop fighting with others and they shouldn’t be the ones trying to play the “peacemaker” between you and your spouse;
- Make sure your boundaries are not distorted by venting to your child about your spouse;
- Make sure your child always feels safe, recognised and supported;
- Make sure you give your child the right of having a childhood;
Nobody needs to be defined by what they did or what happened to them and no child should suffer the sufferings of their parents. The secret lies in finding a healthy way to let go of the negative things which only hold us back. The type which your life can take on as explained in this book, remains a choice which only you can make.
A Child with a
SECURE TYPE know that their caregiver/s are readily available. They know that they are trusted to do certain things on their own, they know that they can venture out into the world to explore certain things but will always be welcome to return to their safe base. They find confidence through knowing that overwhelming emotions ca be dealt with and that their caregiver/parents can deal with any version of them. They understand that their feelings are valued and will not be dismissed all the time.
A child with an
PLEASER TYPE
understands that they have a caregiver that will keep them safe and often feel as if they need to let their caregiver/parents know how much they are needed. During the childhood years of a person who falls into this category they were exposed to the fact that their caregiver/parents were not always attentive to their needs and easily resort to interpreting this as them not being valued. Children who grow up in these circumstances have caretakers/parents who are distracted but they do occasionally attend/respond to their child’s need. In these circumstances children sometimes learn that by taking care of their parents/caretaker, they get a form of attention. This creates a situation in which a child has to supress their own needs in order to take care of the needs of their caretaker/parent. The Pleasing Style often had parents who told them what to do when faced with challenging tasks, instead of guiding them towards finding solutions or just assisting them on sorting out their challenges.
A child who falls into the
AVOIDANT TYPE
often grew up with an underlying consciousness toward the fact that they need to keep themselves from showing overwhelming feelings such as fear for it will cause their caregiver/parents to go away. These kids often have to suppress negative/overwhelming feelings which can result in higher levels of stress hormones being produced. In the early years, individuals who develop this style appear to be more independent. In many circumstances children in this category has a caregiver/parent who moved away from them when they expressed overwhelming feelings. This in turn contributes to the child learning to suppress their feelings to try and keep their parents/caregiver close. Children can soon learn to do this very well and to such an extent that they appear content with an easy-going personality. They do however miss out on important lessons such being able to recognise emotional needs, accept emotional needs and how to manage and address their own emotions.
A child who falls into the
DISRUPTED TYPE grew up feeling as if they are struggling to cope and need their caregiver but was challenged by the fact that their caregiver was also the one that scared them. Children who develop this style grew up with lots of fear and uncertainty being present. This can be seen as the most damaging attachment style formed in the early years of a child’s life. One of the biggest reasons for this is that a child in this situation struggles to find a reliable way through which they can keep themselves safe. Some children growing up in challenging circumstances sometimes resort to using dissociation as a coping mechanism. Dissociation basically refers to a state in which the brain chooses to not focus on the present when it is too painful/frightening or challenging. Dissociation leaves little mental energy for explorative play and learning.
For more information on attachment styles you can order the book THE SHAPE OF YOUR M.I.N.D – “What shakes you-can shape you.” Written by Antoinette Steyn (co-developer of EQ4Kids). Send an email to info@antoinettesteyn.co.za
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